She shook her head, her long hair nearly coming free from its ponytail. “I…I can’t. I don’t want to,” she said. Her whole body was shaking and a part of her wished that James would simply take her in his arms and soothe her. But the other part just wanted to hit something. Hard. Preferably him.
“Selena…?” he pleaded, but saw her expression shift from one of anger to one of sadness.
“All this time, you’ve known where I was and you never came back for me…”
And that was it in a nutshell. She could forgive the invasion of her privacy. She could forgive him lying about his family and who he really was. But she couldn’t forgive him for abandoning her. Again.
“It’s not like that,” he said desperately. “I swear! I didn’t have… It wasn’t me who got the report, Selena. After you came back to town and I spoke to my brother, he…”
“So your family had me investigated?” she asked wildly. “Who does that? Why would they even need to? I’ve been completely honest with you from day one and you just let them—”
“I didn’t know they were doing it! You have to believe me.” He reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders.
She shrugged his hands off and took a shaky step back. “No, I really don’t and I can’t. Maybe you should have had them investigate me years ago.”
“I didn’t ask them to do it now,” he said.
“Then why? Why would they do it?”
James wished he could answer her. So many things raced through his mind, but this wasn’t the time or the place to get into all of it. If he could just convince her to come home with him, to listen to him without any distractions, he knew he could make her understand. “It’s complicated.”
“Really? That’s what you’re going with?” she asked with disgust. “I can see that it’s clearly an issue with your family.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You could have talked to me. You could have approached me. But you didn’t. You were a coward, and because of that, we lost all those years. If your family was so damn curious about me or thought that I was hiding something, they could have talked to me. Instead they decided to be sneaky and invade my privacy. It makes me sick to think about it.” It was never going to be over. It didn’t matter how much they talked about it; it seemed like it was too big an obstacle for them to overcome or let go of.
“I didn’t know, Selena! I’m sure they were just looking out for me—making sure that everything you told me was true. Back then, I was acting on instinct and on the only facts that I had—”
“They weren’t facts; they were lies my father told you, and you took his word over mine. Why? Because it was easier to walk away.” The rage was back and this time she was going to embrace it. “You once accused me of looking for a way out, but I think it was you who was looking.” She looked at him as if he was something repulsive. “You took the easy way out.”
“It was never easy to walk away from you,” he growled, taking a step toward her. “Not a damn day has gone by where it was easy. I told you before and I’ll tell you again: ten years ago I had my whole life planned out; I had everything I wanted, and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. I struggled so damn much to dig myself out of the pit that I was in and tried to make something of myself. While I’m not condoning what my brother did, I know he was just trying to look out for me. Maybe he wanted to make sure things weren’t going to go south for us again.”
“You can’t tell something like that through a long-distance camera lens,” she snapped.
“Selena—”
“If you had only called, written…anything! You would have had your answer years ago, but instead you kept your precious distance. It’s clearly some kind of pattern with you; you keep it from me, your family—”
“My family has nothing to do with this!”
“Your family has everything to do with this,” she spat. “You ran away from them when things got too hard, and you did the same thing with me!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said and then cursed when his phone rang again. Pulling it from his pocket, he was surprised to see his Uncle William’s name appear. Turning the phone off, he put it back in his pocket.
“I know more than you think I do,” she said. “Poor little rich boy didn’t want to fall in line with the family business. Boo-freakin’-hoo. You walked away from your family and came here and played the poor boy, working your way up from nothing to make something of yourself. It would have been impressive if it weren’t such a lie. You knew my father’s main gripe with you was that he thought you wouldn’t amount to anything; you could have proved him wrong.”
“I shouldn’t have had to prove anything! There was nothing wrong with me as a person, but your father was too much of a damn snob to notice that. People like him are the reason I walked away; that damn life of privilege isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. No one really likes you for who you are. They only want a piece of you, to see what you can do for them. I wasn’t going to live like that, and I certainly wasn’t going to pull the rich-kid card to get your father to like me. It wouldn’t have mattered if I told him I had more than enough money to buy the whole damn town; he showed his true colors to me, and anything after that would have been a damn act. It makes me sick to think about it!”
“If you had been honest from the beginning, about who you really are and why you were living the way you were, it would have made a difference,” she said through clenched teeth. “But now? Now I realize that the man I loved—the man I still thought I was in love with—doesn’t exist. He was a lie. You told me less than a week ago you didn’t know how to believe me and the things I was telling you. Well, now I know exactly how you must have felt because right now there isn’t a damn thing you could say or do that would make me believe anything you say.” She furiously wiped away the tears that were ready to fall. “Good-bye, James.”
Defiantly, she stepped around him and started to walk away. “Don’t do this,” he said quietly.
She stopped where she stood and looked over her shoulder at him. “I didn’t. I gave everything to you ten years ago, and I came back here and was ready to give it all to you again. You were the one who wasn’t willing to give everything to me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice cracking. “Tell me how to fix this and I will. Tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it.” He’d beg if he had to; his pride was a thing of the past. “Please, Selena. Don’t go. Give me another chance. Tell me what you want from me.”
She shook her head sadly. “All I ever wanted was you—the real you. You keep holding him back. You were the only person who ever made me feel loved and accepted, other than my grandmother. At least I know who she really is. She doesn’t hide that person from me. The world knows her, warts and all. But you? I don’t think I’d know the real you no matter what you did.”
“That’s not true, Selena. I may not have told you about my family, but everything else I ever said or did was the real me. I am more than my family name, dammit!”
“But it’s a part of you. Don’t you understand that? Do you think I would have made demands on your money if you had told me the truth?”
“You wouldn’t have been the first—”
“Then you didn’t really know me.”
“Don’t go,” he pleaded. “Please. Let’s go someplace and talk.”
She gave a mirthless laugh. “We’ve been talking for a week, and we’re still no closer to being over it than we were before. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you want something; it just isn’t meant to be.”
“I never thought I’d see you again,” he said. “That day I walked into Jen’s house and saw you, I felt like I had been sucker punched. You looked exactly as I had remembered you.”
“I hope that memory serves you well in the future.” She watched as he paled, a look of s
hock and then defeat on his face. “Good-bye, James.”
This time he didn’t stop her.
Chapter 15
Dammit.
Leaving Long Island had been harder than she ever could have imagined; if anything, it was harder than it had been at eighteen. Jen begged her to stay, to come back to her house and finish out her trip, just the two of them. It was tempting, but Selena knew if she stayed, there’d be pressure to see James.
Pressure that she’d put on herself.
Or Jen would.
Hell, for all she knew, James might even show up and put the pressure on her himself.
Doing her best to not look like she was running away, she calmly collected her things from their makeshift picnic, gave it all to Jen, then made her way around the field saying good-bye to everyone. Hardly anyone let on that it was odd for her to be leaving in the middle of the festivities, and to those who had, she’d simply said that an emergency had come up with her business and she had to get back.
Jen held her hand as they walked back to Selena’s car. “I really hoped that…”
“Please don’t,” Selena interrupted. “It’s too much. I just can’t deal with it all right now.”
They walked in silence until they reached the car, and Jen pulled her into a fierce hug. “Next time I’m coming to the Outer Banks and staying with you.” If only Selena had pushed a little harder for that in the first place, she wouldn’t be feeling like she was dying all over again.
“I promise to not let anyone throw bricks through my windows.”
Jen chuckled and hugged her that much tighter. “This was so not the way I wanted our visit to end. In my mind we’d have a chocolate hangover, both be wearing dark sunglasses, and I’d be dragging you into the airport while you begged to not have to go home.”
Selena couldn’t help but laugh. “That would have been preferable to this.” She pulled back and could see that Jen was on the verge of apologizing again. “It’s okay. I’m a big girl now, and things are much clearer than they were. I’m not afraid to come back here anymore; I’m actually quite lucky. I’m one of the few who actually got a glimpse of what could have been. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what I had hoped for.”
“Selena…”
“Don’t. I’m going to make a quick stop on my way to the airport, I’ve got to drop off the rental car, and then I’ve got a plane to catch. I love you, and I want you to keep me up-to-date on how things progress with Mike.”
“Someone say my name?” Both women turned in time to see Mike heading their way with a big smile on his face, a baseball bat slung over one shoulder, and a six-pack of beer in the other hand.
Perfect timing, Selena thought to herself. She knew Jen would be fine, and she’d go back to the game and maybe even enjoy herself, and Selena would be free to make her escape.
“Are you leaving, Selena?” he asked, confusion written all over his face. “I thought James was coming to meet you here. I saw him leaving the station about an hour ago. Did he make it here?”
She nodded. “He’s out on the field someplace. But I’ve got a work emergency that I need to deal with,” she said as she pasted a smile on her face. Before she lost her nerve, she grabbed Jen and hugged her one last time and then turned to Mike. “You be good to her, okay?”
Placing an arm around Jen, Mike smiled and pulled her close. “You got it.”
Her limbs felt like lead as she climbed into the car and rolled down her window. “I’ll call you tonight when I get home.” Jen nodded. “Go have fun.” They waved as Selena pulled away.
In the rearview mirror, she saw what she thought was James standing on the sidewalk by the football field. For a brief moment, she considered slamming the brakes, throwing the car in reverse, and going back and saying she didn’t care about the lies or the damn file; she just wanted him.
Then she realized she wasn’t even sure who James really was, or if he really knew who he was anymore. It seemed like he had spent a large part of his life trying to be someone else. Did he ever try to just be himself? And would he recognize that person if he figured it out?
Taking her eyes from the mirror, she looked ahead and swore to herself that from now on, she would never look back.
* * *
It turned out that was easier said than done. The last thing she needed to do before heading to the airport was see her grandmother.
Hopefully, she’d have some words of advice on how she was going to survive a betrayal like this again.
She was just in time for dinner when she arrived and her grandmother looked up, took one look at Selena, and rose to take her in her arms. When she led Selena from the dining room, Selena stopped her. “What about your dinner?”
“It’s meatloaf night. I can live without that. I’ve got the makings for sandwiches back at my room. Come on. Tell me what’s got you packing and leaving so soon.”
Selena pulled back, eyes wide. “How do you do that?”
Her grandmother chuckled. “Haven’t we been over this?” Together, they walked arm in arm until they were back in her room, and Selena sat down and pulled herself together while her grandmother prepared sandwiches for them. Once the plates were on the table, she sat and looked at Selena and merely raised her eyebrows.
“He lied.”
“Okay.”
Now it was Selena’s turn to raise her eyebrows. “That’s it? Okay? Shouldn’t you be outraged with me?”
“Why? You haven’t told me what he even lied about. Maybe he lied about picking up some milk or if your hair looked nice. Honestly, dear, you need to elaborate.” At her age, Betty Ainsley had seen and heard it all. She knew her granddaughter was upset, but with her emotional state over this whole visit, it was quite possible that this was just a simple misunderstanding.
With a sigh of frustration, Selena launched into the whole story, getting angrier as she went. By the time she was done, she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms defensively. “Well? I was right to walk away, wasn’t I?” Her grandmother made a noncommittal sound as she rose to clear away their dishes. “What? You don’t think that what he did was wrong? He lied. About everything! About who he even is!”
“Did he? Really?”
“How could you even ask that? Weren’t you listening?” It wasn’t like Selena to be disrespectful, and as soon as the question was out of her mouth, she regretted it. Her mouth opened to apologize, but her grandmother held up a hand to cut her off.
“Here’s the way I see it: You’re hurt. You feel betrayed. I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong or right, Selena. I think you’ve had enough people telling you when you should be angry over something. You’re an individual, a grown woman, and you’ll know when it’s time to get over it.” She shrugged one frail shoulder as she sat back down beside her granddaughter. “I’m sorry you’re upset, and I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but you have to decide what is best for you.”
While Selena had always wanted to have that option, she never thought it would be possible. Whenever she got upset, it seemed like she always looked for someone to tell her what to do next. Knowing that the decision was now hers made it feel as if a giant weight had been removed from her shoulders. She looked around her grandmother’s living room as she let her words sink in.
The silence was near deafening.
“You helped me more than you could ever know.” Standing, Selena went to kiss her grandmother on the cheek. “I better get going; I’ve got a plane to catch and I have to drop the rental car off first.” Her grandmother stood and hugged her. “I wish you’d consider moving down South,” Selena continued. “We’d get to see each other a whole lot more.”
“Nonsense. Believe it or not, I enjoy my winters, and most of my friends are still here. Plus, what would the church do without me? That greenhouse would be neglected in no time.”
; Selena’s eyes shone with unshed tears at the mention of the greenhouse. “That’s very true; you’ve done a wonderful job with it. A lot of love and care has gone into that place. I hope you’ll continue to do that for a long, long time.”
“I will, sweetheart. I most certainly will.”
It hurt to drive away, knowing that her grandmother was getting older and it could very well be their last visit. The words her grandmother spoke, however, made Selena feel a bit better. She was allowed to be upset, and no one should try to tell her how she felt or when it was time to move on.
On the drive back to the airport, Selena took in the scenery with a fresh set of eyes. So many things had changed since she’d lived here, and that was the way it was supposed to be. Places, just like people, couldn’t stay the same. Things have to be allowed to grow and evolve, and sometimes those changes were good and sometimes they were not.
She liked to think that she had changed. Over the years, Selena knew she’d come to take more control over her life and learned to go after things she wanted. Most of the time those were good things. In the case of wanting James Montgomery, it wasn’t. She’d have to learn not to idealize their time together. They were two individuals with very different opinions on what was acceptable in a relationship. Maybe if she’d known the truth about who he was and where he came from, she might not have pined quite so hard for him.
That’s not true, she thought. If she had been bold enough to take the opportunity, who’s to say that she wouldn’t have walked away from her own family sooner? Clearly James had issues with the demands his family made of him, and wasn’t that exactly her issue with her father? From the little she’d learned about the Montgomerys, she knew they weren’t cruel or vindictive like her father, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have made James feel any less inferior than she’d felt for so long.
As she took the highway exit for the airport, she sighed. This was it. The end of…so many things. Her trip. Her visit with her best friend. And the dream of happily ever after with the man she’d been holding on to for far too long. She’d have to get over them all.
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