“Not really,” he said as he climbed inside the car.
“Dinner is on me.” I tried to sound lighthearted, but I knew he could see right through me. He knew I was trying to feed him, and he agreed in Draven fashion. He didn’t like a handout, but he wouldn’t turn one down either. Not when it came to the important stuff, like eating.
“Okay,” he agreed shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.
“Then point me to the nearest pizza place.”
Draven
“Did you have a good time?” My mouth was full of pizza so it came out in sort of a mumble. The cheesy, pepperoni goodness was hitting the spot.
“English, Draven.” She smiled.
“You heard what I said,” I countered, throwing my napkin across the booth towards her.
I couldn’t believe I was sitting here joking with Jenny of all people. I was having a good time, though, great even. She wasn’t as much of a stick in the mud as I thought.
She nodded. “I had an amazing time. Who knew I could have so much fun with you.”
“You’re just full wisecracks today, aren’t you?” I softly kicked her under the table. She looked kind of cute with pink paint splattered all over her face. “It would’ve been a lot more fun if we’d been drunk.”
She leaned back in her seat, and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re so full of crap. You had a great time too, and without getting wasted. Fun doesn’t always have to be sized up by the amount of alcohol you consume. I mean look at all the fun we had while you were at my house. You can’t argue with that.”
I groaned before taking another bite of my pizza. I knew exactly where this was going, and I didn’t owe her an explanation for leaving. It was just time to go. It’s not like it was a permanent arrangement. I was sick, and they helped me out, now it was time to go.
Her eyes softened. “Why are you going? Don’t you like being with us?” She sounded hurt and that made me feel guilty.
Guilt wasn’t something I was used to feeling and I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
I fidgeted in my seat wanting to bolt from the table. It’s stupid that we were even talking about it. “I had to go home sometime. I do have a home you know?”
“I know that.” She leaned forward resting her elbows on the table. “But…” There was a hitch in her voice. I could tell things were about to get deep, and sitting in a crummy old booth with a pizza between us wasn’t the right place for deep.
“Listen,” I looked at her to make sure she was paying close attention. “If you want to have some serious talk about things, then we’ll do it back at my place. I don’t feel like ruining this meal.”
She bit her bottom lip before glancing down at her plate. “Will you tell me everything?”
And by –everything, I knew she meant my past. I wasn’t sure we were ready for the whole heart-to-heart thing. There were things from my past that should never be talked about. “We’ll see.” It was the best I could give her at the moment.
Jenny was an uncomplicated person. She was easy to read at times, and she had the picture perfect life. The two of us had exactly zero things in common, and somehow we were thrown together in a universe where shit mattered. Life mattered, at least hers anyway. The only thing that the two of us wanted that was even remotely similar was to get out of Borders, New Hampshire and never look back. She had never told me in so many words, but the calendar countdown on the wall was proof. She was counting down the days until graduation. She had her college acceptance letter framed for goodness sakes. In a perfect world, the two of us might’ve been friends. But this world was totally fucked up, and Jenny Pearson despised me. The fact that she was going out of her way to take care of me, and keep me from my messed up life was only because she was a good person. Good and bad just don’t mix. Sooner or later she’d have to wake up and realize that taking any sort of risk with someone like me, wasn’t worth it.
She was on the side of the scale that was light, and free, while my side was weighted down so heavily that the whole damn thing could tip over at any given moment.
Jenny
According to William Shakespeare–Expectations is the root of all heartache.
Well no offense to Mr. Shakespeare, but it isn’t the expectation that breaks our hearts, but the moment you stop expecting things at all.
When Draven and I got back to his apartment, I called my parents to tell them I was staying with Lo. It wasn’t a complete lie. After what was bound to be a long conversation, I’d sneak into Lo’s house later. The less they knew the better.
“You can sit down on the couch. I swear there aren’t any bugs in it.”
Was I that obvious?
I sat down gently, hoping that he wasn’t kidding. The dark green sofa, well I think it was dark green once upon a time, made a squeaking noise as I sat down on the edge of it. The last time I was in Draven’s apartment, I didn’t really get a chance to see it all. I saw enough to know that it wasn’t fit for living in, but it was even worse than I thought. The carpet beneath my feet was barely there. The couch was torn up and stained black in several places. Don’t even get me started on the smell. It was like the smell of stagnant water that had been sitting for weeks. There were holes in the wall the size of fists, and barely enough furniture to know that someone even lived there.
With the cool New Hampshire nights, I couldn’t imagine living in a place with such a draft. I wondered if he even had heat, or air for that matter.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked. I watched him as he pulled a pack of cigarettes out from under his couch cushion, or what was left of it.
“We both know you’re going to whether I want you to or not.” He half grinned.
“True,” I leered. “How do you pay the rent here?”
“Diving right into the big stuff, huh? You know I don’t have to answer your dumb questions. It’s not like you need to know anything about my life.” His defenses were up big time. I expected as much from him, but I was as stubborn as the day was long. I wanted to know things, and not just because of my feelings for him. I just thought that maybe talking about it would help. Maybe he’d realize that for once he wasn’t alone.
“I like to live dangerously.” My sarcastic voice didn’t go unnoticed.
“Since my Dad went to jail, I’ve been slowly selling everything in the apartment to keep up rent.”
“Looks like you’re about out of things to sell.” Ugh. I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.
“Nice discovery Sherlock.” He lit his cigarette. “We have less than two months of school left and then I’m out of here anyway.”
“So you have your next rent?” My eyes searched for answers in his, and I got just what I was looking for. “You can’t stay here Draven. It’s bad.” I was dreading the things that I needed to say to him, but I couldn’t hold back anymore. “This place is not livable. You have no food, no money, and no clean clothes. Do you even have running water here?”
His head lowered, and my eyes filled with tears.
In the beginning, when I first started tutoring him, I thought that he was the world’s biggest pain in the ass. Somewhere along the way I learned that he was hurting, and his life was miserable. It didn’t excuse the horrible crap that he did, but it explained it.
“You can’t live like this.” I stood up and started pacing the floor. It was what I did in a crisis or when my nerves intercepted. “Why did you never get a job?”
“I don’t want one.” He shrugged. “Stop pacing. You’re making me dizzy, and I can live however I want. This isn’t much different than the way I lived my whole life.”
“I don’t want one. That’s such a shallow ass thing to say for someone who lives like this.” I waved my hands in the air.
“Who’s going to hire me in this town, huh?” He stood up too. “You’re Jack Lepage’s son aren’t you? Your Dad is the one who committed a double homicide over drugs right?” He mocked. “That’s exactly the kind of questions people
are going to ask me. People look at me and see him. Not one person in this town ever gave me a chance to be someone else. I’m always going to be the son of Jack Lepage, the man who beat up his son, drank up his bill money, snorted whatever he could get up his nose, lowlife, murdering scumbag.” He was yelling, his hands flailing in the air. There was a look of pure hatred on his face. It was scary, or maybe just scared, I couldn’t be sure.
“I don’t see that when I look at you.” I admitted.
“You used to,” he said, his voice much lower. He stepped closer to me, removing every bit of oxygen from the room, leaving my head spinning.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m as bad as everyone else in this town about judging the book by its cover. But in my defense, you bring some of it on yourself. You’re rough, and rude, and people don’t cross you because you’re like a firecracker ready to explode.”
“I don’t care about anyone in this town. I quit caring a long time ago.”
His words stung a little, since a part of me really cared for him.
“You don’t have to live like this. We don’t have much time left of school, and my parents are cool with you staying at our place.” I tried to explain. “You’ll have food, and clean clothes, and a warm place to sleep.”
“It’s my life. I’m not some charity case. I don’t want your pity”
“You know that’s not what I think. I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to say it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “That’s not fair.”
“What’s not? You’ve got your nose stuck up in the air like you’re too good to even be here.” His face was drawn tight with a furrow in his brow. “Who am I kidding? You are too good to be here.” He turned around and walked over to the window.
It felt like a punch to the gut, the way he said it. Sure, we were two totally different people. But I’d never in my life thought I was better than someone else.
I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, and he tensed up before turning to face me.
“I’m not better than you. I’m not.”
He reached for and touched the ends of my hair, slowly running it through his fingers. There was a deep, longing look on his face, one that made my heart skip a beat. Could he feel it? Did he know how he made me feel?
His fingers moved from my hair to my neck, running slowly downward. My eyes softly shut, and I rolled my head to the side giving him full exposure to my neck. I don’t know why, but his touch made me feel a little bit braver. Maybe it was because I didn’t want him to stop, or maybe I was testing his reserve.
“Do you like that?” His voice broke the trance and I opened my eyes to stare into his. I bit my bottom lip, letting it slowly release. It worked like a charm.
Both of his hands went swiftly behind my neck, and his lips met mine. It was nothing like the first time he kissed me. This time it was passionate. It was hot. It was like a force that sucked me in.
When his tongue met mine, massaging it, I moaned. He was an amazing kisser. I could feel the tingles all over my body and he hadn’t even touched me anywhere else yet. It was the possessive way that he held my hand and devoured my lips like he was a starving man.
I lifted my hands to his back, and gripped his shirt tightly. I felt like I had to hold on or I was going to fly away.
I’d been waiting for so long for this moment, longer than I’d realized, and now that I had it I never wanted it to end.
My body arched into his.
I was aching and needy and desperate.
I’d never felt that way before, but I knew a kiss with him wasn’t enough to extinguish the fire burning within me.
“I want you,” he told me as he kissed his way down my neck. “I need you.”
My breath was staggering when I told him, “I want you too.” I’d been imagining this moment for a while now, but never thought it would happen. A part of me felt like it was all a dream that I was about to wake up from.
His hand moved to the hem of my shirt, and when I thought he was going to lift it over my head, he stopped.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear what he was going to say. Knowing Draven he was about to ruin the entire moment for me, and if he did I doubted I could continue.
“I won’t be able to stop, Jenny. You either want this or you don’t.” His fingers ran along the lower part of my back.
Oh, I wanted it.
He spoke again. “Its just sex. Nothing else. If you want relationship type stuff, you won’t get it from me. That’s not who I am.”
Ouch. Not going to lie, that stung.
Could I do non-commitment sex?
He gave me that panty-dropping smile, and I fucking melted like an ice-cream cone.
I could handle it, if it meant having him for a night. But I was going to get something else in return.
I reached for the hem of my shirt and lifted it over my head, in the bravest act of my life. My barely covered chest was on full display. I couldn’t recall a time when I’d been so bold, but I kind of liked it. It made me feel powerful. “One night,” I told him. “And in return you come back home with me.”
Two could play your games, Lepage. Only it was me who was getting everything I wanted.
Almost everything…
“Deal.”
Draven’s mouth covered mine in haste, and my stomach dropped with anticipation of what was to come. He kissed me like I’d never been kissed before, while his hands traced the curve of my hips. There was a demand in the pressure of his fingertips as he gripped my ass. I released a strangled breath, and my hands clung to his shirt. I held on to it as tight as I could, because I knew that if I let go I’d float away.
He quickly lifted my shirt over my head, tossing to the ground beside us. His lips gently touched my neck and the heat of his breath sent shivers down my spine.
That was the spot, the one that made my toes curl.
His warm lips kissed the swell of my breast and I thought I’d soon come undone. I needed him to relieve the ache that was building inside me.
I wanted to feel his skin against mine.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered and my heart skipped a beat.
He couldn’t say things like that to me. My heart was far too invested.
I crashed my lips into his firmly, so that he wouldn’t say another word.
This encounter meant nothing.
The rest of our clothes were removed quickly and he moved me to the couch.
I gripped his chest tightly, as he pressed his hard body against mine. No more words were spoken. We just let ourselves go in the moment.
His hold on my body was strong, just like his hold on my heart.
Draven Lepage devoured me.
He took me right there on that dirty old couch, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He was rough, and I knew he was going to be, but he also took care of me. There weren’t two sides of Draven Lepage. There was one guy. And if you were lucky enough, you got to see every part of him.
When he kissed me, and called out my name. I was gone. I was in love with him, all of him. Despite the bad things that he was best known for, I couldn’t help how I felt about him.
And even though I would never take back that night, it hurt like hell knowing that it ended there. He didn’t want anything else from me.
I wanted everything from him.
Draven
I kept my word. I packed up my shit, and moved to Jenny’s in exchange for one night of sex with her. The word idiot was probably blatantly stamped on my forehead, but I didn’t care. It was worth it, more than worth it actually.
There were no words that I could use to describe it. Just thinking about it made my dick stand and salute. She was the sweetest thing, every single inch of her.
I remember the way she smelled, and the way her mouth made this perfect O shape when I moved quickly between her legs. I’d been with a few girls, and none of them compared. Je
nny wasn’t the type of girl for a dirty one-night stand, but I couldn’t help myself when it came to her. She was five foot three inches of absolute perfection.
Honestly, I couldn’t believe she did it. I didn’t waste one single moment talking it over. When she agreed, I moved like a jungle cat in search of his prey.
It was petty of me to take advantage like I did. It was true to my form. But one night is all I could ever have with her, so I was selfish and took what I wanted.
There was something about her that I couldn’t resist.
After moving back to her place, things started to get weird between us. I figured it would be that way, after my non-commitment speech. But she couldn’t possibly have wanted more with someone like me. I was hoping that by Sunday night things would’ve went back to normal, I could bug the shit out of her again, and not worry about the things we left unsaid.
I was wrong.
She tiptoed around me, making things thoroughly awkward. By the look on everyone’s faces at dinner, I could tell they knew something was up. You’d have to be blind and deaf not to notice it.
When I tried to talk to her, she blew me off. Even when the two of us studied, I got nothing. She told me how much better I was doing with my English, and that was that. Something was up, but I couldn’t dwell on it.
Sex made things complicated, but she chose to do it.
***
On Monday morning I drove myself to school. I wouldn’t be able to do it much considering I had a quarter of a tank of gas, and zero money. Hopefully, by the end of the week she’d let me tag along with her. Once things had a chance to blow over.
I had this bright idea that I’d talk to Jenny’s Dad about helping me find some kind of work, but didn’t really know how to approach the conversation. Her parent’s had already done so much for me, that I wasn’t really at liberty to be asking for favors. But I just kept thinking that when the time came for me to get out of this God-forsaken town, that I’d at least need a full tank of gas, or else I’d be stuck. I’d run out of things to sell. I packed a duffle bag of things from my apartment when I left, and the rest wasn’t worth having. All I had to my name were a few pieces of clothing, my toothbrush, and a couple of odd and end things, nothing worth mentioning.
Into dark water Page 10