by Soraya Lane
“Delta Force?” she asked, still unable to believe that she’d thought he was in standard service, while he was actually part of a Special Forces task force.
She remembered Luke talking about those guys. Always the most dedicated, secretive and tough men on tour, they often had to immerse themselves in a different way of life, travel constantly, and stay focused on the bigger picture. And from what she remembered, they were usually single. Had he been living under a different identity these past two years?
“It was restricted information, but I still should have found a way to tell you something.” He paused, one hand raking so viciously at his hair she thought he might pull it out. “I’d been training for this my entire life, Ollie. My entire life. I never expected to be a dad, but I know now that our son should have been my priority. But they offered me the job and I jumped.”
“Were you even in the Middle East?
Luke shook his head, a frown dragging his eyebrows downward.
“Afghanistan?” Tears stung her eyes but she pushed them away. She hadn’t even known where he was! Her own husband.
“I had to immerse myself in a different culture. Grow a beard, learn the language. The whole nine yards.” He kept hold of her hand even though she tried to pull away from him. “It doesn’t excuse my actions, but I want you to know that what I did at least counted for something.”
She didn’t know what to say, felt like a fool for not even guessing that he’d been on some sort of confidential mission.
“It wasn’t easy, Ollie. But it was what I’d been training for my whole life.” He paused. “It’s not an excuse, but I want to be honest with you, and telling you what I’ve been doing is part of that.”
This was why their relationship had started to show cracks: because he thought she resented the army. But it wasn’t that, couldn’t be further from it. What she resented was that he thought his comrades were more his family than she was, and that hurt. Charlie was his real family. The fact that he’d promised to leave the army had been important to her, but him deciding to fight for their country again was not something she would ever have stopped him from doing. She’d faced a lifetime of lies before her tenth birthday—a lifetime of failed promises—so when Luke had made her a promise, the one person she’d chosen to trust in this world, she’d expected him not to let her down.
“Ollie?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Luke.”
He looked awkward, his eyes traveling from her hands to her eyes. When he reached for her other hand, she tried to ignore the pull of her body toward his. The way she so desperately wanted to feel him in her arms again, to remember what his touch was like, how he smelled, how masculine he was.
But she needed to stay strong.
“What I want is for you to understand,” he said.
Olivia retrieved both her hands from his and tucked them around herself.
“You need to prove yourself to me before I’ll understand, Luke. Whatever happened between us, whoever’s fault it was, that’s in the past. But if we’re ever going to move forward, I need to believe what you’re telling me.”
His eyes locked on hers, but he didn’t say anything. She met his gaze, determined to stay strong. She guessed he was telling her that he intended on doing just that, but she wasn’t convinced. Because he could have told her more before he left, instead of waiting until now.
Delta Force. The words wouldn’t stop repeating in her mind, as if on a stuck cycle. How could he have been so far away, doing something so dangerous, without her knowing? Because the truth of it was that Luke could have died, and she would never have even known where he was. Or that he was gone.
CHAPTER SEVEN
TODAY HAD BEEN NICE. More than nice. It had almost felt normal. They’d dropped Charlie at preschool, done the grocery shopping together, just mundane things, but it had been good.
“Want to stop for something to eat?”
“Sure thing.”
It was nice being the passenger in her own car and having someone drive her around for a change. And it was also nice not to be angry. Not to be seething inside and itching for a fight. It wasn’t as if she’d forgiven Luke completely, but she was slowly opening up to the idea of listening to what he had to say, to giving him that chance to prove himself.
All Olivia had ever wanted was an explanation, a grown-up discussion about what he’d done and how it had hurt her and Charlie. The effect it had had on them. They’d made good headway yesterday, though the whole Delta Force announcement had thrown her a little. But still... She could see it from his point of view—not that she agreed, far from it. But if they were going to attempt a trial to see if they could ever be together again...she was going to have to try. And that meant she had to listen to him.
“Here okay?” he asked.
She looked out and saw the sign for Cup. Perfect. “Good choice,” she said. Her stomach was starting to growl.
Luke pulled into the parking lot and turned off the engine. “How long do we have till Charlie’s finished?”
“Another hour,” she said.
They got out of the car and walked in. It was strange, being just the two of them. Since he’d been home almost all their time alone had been limited to the house. And arguing. It was as if Charlie was their buffer, ensuring they didn’t argue too much, too loudly or too often.
This was like an awkward second date.
“Coffee?”
Olivia nodded. “Latte, please.”
Luke ordered, then joined her at the table she’d chosen. He sat across from her, fingers thrumming gently on the tabletop.
“What’s a normal day for you?” he asked.
Olivia looked up. “Is it weird transiting back to this kind of life?”
“Yeah.”
She breathed a sigh of relief, needing to hear him say that. Because she knew he’d be finding it hard—missing his buddies, not sure how to fit back in at home.
“My days are pretty routine. I usually get Charlie up and ready, then it’s either off to preschool or doing chores around home. Afternoons are most likely work for me, unless Charlie’s at school, and then I do as much as I can.”
Luke was watching her so intently she found it hard to look back. She’d never been so grateful to see a waitress when theirs arrived and placed coffee in front of them, because it gave her something to focus on other than the seriously masculine man sitting across from her. It didn’t seem to matter what the time of day or what he was wearing, she couldn’t stop the insistent thud of attraction that continually pushed through her body. A yearning she couldn’t control, a desperation to know what it would be like to be back in his arms again, even though she resented thinking like that at all.
“Two forks. Enjoy.”
Olivia murmured a thank-you, but she was focused on Luke and the plate in front of her.
“What’s this?”
Clearly she knew what it was, but...
“You don’t like lemon meringue pie anymore?”
Luke leaned over the table and handed her one of the forks. “There are things I’ll never forget about you, Ollie. Pie is only one of them.”
She reached for the fork and took a mouthful, savoring the sweet yet tart flavor. It had always been her favorite dessert, her weakness. And somehow, despite everything that had happened between them, all the time that had passed, Luke hadn’t forgotten.
He winked at her, that delicious slow wink that never failed to make her body turn to liquid. “We used to be good, you and me. Before life got all complicated on us.”
It was times like this she could almost pretend he’d never left.
* * *
Luke watched her from across the table. He couldn’t have dragged his eyes from her even if he’d wanted to.
“You first,” he said, sliding the plate her way.
Olivia looked at him, before shrugging and taking another mouthful.
“Good?”
She giggled and put her hand in front of her mouth. “Definitely worth getting fat for.”
She took another few mouthfuls before pushing it back toward him. “Thank you.”
Luke looked up from the pie. “For what?”
She shrugged her shoulders before sitting back in the chair, as if she wasn’t sure what she wanted to tell him. Or maybe she was, but didn’t know how to say it.
“For this,” she said, her voice low. “For remembering.”
As if he would ever forget about her. “When we married, we were so young,” he said, hoping it came out the right way. “After what I’ve seen, the things I’ve been witness to, I don’t want to argue, Ollie. I just want to give us a real chance.” Luke paused. “I had a lot of time to think when I was away, time to try to figure out where we went wrong, and you know what?”
Olivia hadn’t taken her eyes from him.
“I think things might have been different if we’d taken it slow. If we hadn’t rushed headfirst into marriage and a baby, even though we didn’t really have any control over that.” He smiled at her, wishing they could go back in time. “But I’d like to think we could start over again and go slow. Or at least consider it.”
She looked up before reaching for the fork resting on the side of the plate, and diverting her gaze. “I’d like that,” she said, her hand hovering midair as she met his gaze again. “I just hope we’re not already past the point of no return.”
Luke didn’t look away until she did. He hoped she was wrong about that.
“So tell me more about Charlie’s preschool,” he asked.
Olivia looked relieved that he’d changed the subject. “If we start talking about how brilliant that kid is at preschool we could be here all day.”
Funny, but Luke didn’t mind the sound of that. Not one bit.
* * *
Olivia smiled across the room at him and Luke grinned straight back. Every smile, every touch, every gesture made him feel as if he was getting somewhere. That having to work so hard was worth every scrap of effort.
When he’d been in foster care, times had never been easy. He’d learned to appreciate every minor victory, every day that didn’t result in a beating or a bad word. Every day that didn’t make him cry for the father he’d lost. And that was how he was approaching being part of his family again. Every day that went by without him messing up was a good one. A day he could be proud of. And one that made his regret that he’d ever left them run even deeper.
The one thing that was tough was not being particularly good at what he was trying to do. When he joined the army, he’d trained harder than any of the other recruits, he’d worked harder to ascend the ranks and he’d learned with rapid speed when he’d been accepted into Delta Force. But there was no course, no training, no anything to practice when it came to being a dad. Being a great father meant learning through mistakes, and that was not something that came naturally to Luke. He liked rules, orders, strategies—but he was darned if he was going to give up this time without doing his best. Even if there wasn’t a rule book for him to follow.
Olivia’s voice made him look up. She’d walked back into the room.
“Would you mind taking care of Charlie tomorrow afternoon, Luke?”
No, he didn’t mind at all. “Sure.”
Olivia gave him a smile. He wished he knew if it was a thanks-for-helping-out kind of smile, or something more.
She picked up some of Charlie’s clothes and started to fold them. “I need to help Ricardo prepare for a party, but it shouldn’t take long. It just means I’ll be back later than usual.”
Ricardo. Luke hated every syllable, every letter, of that man’s name. He knew it was stupid, but there was something he didn’t like about the guy, or the way Olivia spoke about him.
“Luke?”
He tried not to show the jealousy throbbing at his temple.
“Sure. Fine. We’ll just hang out here.”
She smiled again, and this time he knew it wasn’t the smile he’d been hoping for.
“Charlie, did you tell your dad that it’s your birthday soon?”
Luke watched his son, determined not to show how rattled he was, but inside his stomach was twisting like a Rubik’s cube. Was she just saying that to see if he remembered? He knew the date, had never forgotten it, but he obviously had a long way to go before he could convince her of that.
“I’m gonna be four!” Charlie enthusiastically flicked the spaghetti he was eating for emphasis. “One, two, three, four!”
“And what do you want for your birthday, big guy?” His kid’s excitement was contagious.
“Soldier toys.”
Luke smiled, but reined it back when he saw how concerned Olivia looked.
“What else, honey?” she asked him.
Luke looked at Charlie, waiting for him to answer his mom’s question.
“Guns!”
Luke cleared his throat. It wasn’t that he didn’t love that his boy liked soldiers and guns, because he’d always been the same, but he knew what a raw nerve it had probably just hit in his wife. Given the fact she looked as if she’d just sucked a lemon.
“Charlie, what about the lovely toys you wanted last week? The books?” Olivia persisted.
“I wanna be like Daddy. Bang, bang!”
Luke stepped up and removed the fork from his hand.
“Guns are serious, bud. You don’t point them at your mom, and you don’t use your fork like that.”
Charlie stared back up at him, tears in his eyes. Oh, sheesh. Luke had tried to do the right thing and the kid was going to start bawling. Luke bent so he could look him in the eye.
“Don’t cry, Charlie. We just need some rules, and I don’t want you to upset your mom.”
Charlie started wailing, fled the chair and flew into Olivia’s arms, his little body heaving with sobs. Luke felt like an idiot. A mean, unloving idiot. Had he been too serious, too tough on his son? Wasn’t he meant to be firm at times?
“Ollie, I’m sorry, I was just trying to say the right thing.”
She shook her head, her lips on Charlie’s blond hair. “He’s just not used to you telling him off,” she said, giving Luke what he guessed was a reassuring nod. “You’ve been his friend, and now he’s seeing you as a parent.”
Luke went to answer, then snapped his jaw shut as she carried their son to his room. Luke definitely needed to find that elusive manual on parenting. Maybe then he’d stop making a fool of himself at the worst of times....
Real fathers laid down ground rules, took charge, but he guessed that was the problem. Most dads did so since childbirth, whereas Charlie was used to being with his mom. Used to his mom’s rules, his mom’s love, his mom full stop.
Luke picked up his beer and took a good swig, until he realized Olivia had reappeared. He put it down on the side table and sat back in the chair.
“He must have been exhausted. Fell asleep in my arms and now he’s tucked up in bed.”
Luke nodded. She was trying hard, he could tell that. But so was he, only he wasn’t succeeding in his mission.
“You know when we met, how I told you a little about my past but never wanted to talk about what had happened in foster care?”
Olivia lowered herself slowly into her chair, as if she was afraid that if she moved too fast he’d change his mind and stop talking. “I remember, Luke. You told me that you’d buried that part of your past and had no intention of ever digging it back up.”
He shut his eyes and let his shoulders fall, leaning deeper into the chair. Talking about his past was never going to be easy, but right now, it was
the only way he could think to open up to Olivia. To make her understand.
“Maybe if I’d dug it up, back when you’d asked me about it, we wouldn’t be here now.”
She looked sad, her head on an angle as she stared at him. As if she couldn’t believe what he was saying. “You mean we never would have gotten married?”
“No, Ollie. I mean that maybe we could have avoided all the hard stuff. That it wouldn’t be like this. That you could have understood what I meant when I told you I didn’t want to be a dad.”
She tucked her feet up and wrapped her arms around her legs, knees drawn up tight to her chin. He knew he’d hurt her when he’d told her that, but back then he hadn’t known how to express his fears, what he was so desperately afraid of.
“I know what it’s like to remember a dad and know that he’ll never come back,” Luke said in a low voice. “To grow up with no one and wish that things could have been different, wish that you could turn back time. I can still remember flashes of what they were like, both of my parents, but then sometimes I wonder if I imagined it just to have something to hold on to.”
Olivia had tears in her eyes now, threatening to spill down her cheeks. “I don’t want that for Charlie, Luke. I don’t want to see him wait for his dad his whole life.”
Luke shook his head, steeled his jaw and tried to fight the emotion ripping through his own body. But he couldn’t. He fell forward, on his knees, reaching for Ollie’s hands and holding tight once he had them.
“Ollie, you need to believe me when I say I don’t want to repeat that pattern. Please. And my leaving, that was me trying not to repeat it, trying to stop Charlie from knowing me and then losing me.”
She let go of his hands and placed hers on his face instead, palms to his cheeks. “I’m trying, but it’s not easy for me to understand.”
Fear had gnawed him at every turn, haunted him when he was away at war. That he had no one. That he’d never had anyone. Yet here he was, with a woman who had once loved him and a son who was desperate to love him, and he’d already messed it up. He might have grown up alone, but he had the chance to be someone here, to be connected to people who loved him, and it was time he swallowed his fears and tried to confront them. His own fears, his not wanting to hurt his son like he’d been hurt, had only re-created his experience as a boy.