by Edward Albee
ROSS
By what? She’s going to stop by what?
MARTIN
(Staring after her) Nothing; nowhere. (To ROSS) No crew?
ROSS
Just me this time—the old hand-held. (Indicates camera) You ready for the chair?
MARTIN
(Sing-song) Ha, ha. (Suddenly remembering) How’s old Todd!?
ROSS
“Old Todd?”
MARTIN
You know: old Todd!
ROSS
You mean my baby son who just last week it seems I dandled on my knee? That old Todd?
MARTIN
Lovely word—dandled. Yes: that old Todd.
ROSS
Who I cannot accept having become eighteen?
MARTIN
Whom.
ROSS
Maybe.
MARTIN
Yes; that one. Can any of us? Ever?
ROSS
Pushing me further into middle age?
MARTIN
Yes; that one.
ROSS
(Offhand) He’s OK. (Laughs) He asked me last week—first time since he was four, or something—why he didn’t have a brother, or a sister, or whatever—why April and I never had another kid.
MARTIN
April, May, June—the pastel months. You name girl babies after them.
ROSS
(Doesn’t care) Right. (Does care) I told him if you do it right the first time, why take a chance on another.
MARTIN
Did he like that one?
ROSS
Seemed to. Of course, I could have told him the whole graduating class got together and vowed that we would all have only one kid each—keep the population down. Speaking of which, how’s Billy? How’s yours—your one and only?
MARTIN
(Attempted throw-away tone) Ohhhh, seventeen last week—didn’t Todd come to the party? No, I guess he didn’t. Real cute kid, Billy, bright as you’d ever want, gay as the nineties.
ROSS
Passing phase. Have you had the old serious talk?
MARTIN
The “You’ll get over it once you meet the right girl” lecture? Nah, I’m too smart for that, so’s he, so’s Billy. I told him to be sure. Says he’s sure; loves it, he says.
ROSS
Well, of course he loves it; he’s getting laid, for God’s sake! Don’t worry about him.
MARTIN
Who?
ROSS
Billy! Seventeen; it’s a phase.
MARTIN
Like the moon, eh?
ROSS
He’ll straighten out—to make a pun. (To quash the subject) Billy’ll come out of it; he’ll be OK.
MARTIN
(Reassuring if a bit patronizing) Sure.
ROSS
Voice test? Phone off?
MARTIN
I assume Stevie did it.
ROSS
I hear a kind of … rushing sound, like a … wooooosh!, or … wings, or something.
MARTIN
It’s probably the Eumenides.
ROSS
More like the dishwasher. There; it stopped.
MARTIN
Then it probably wasn’t the Eumenides: they don’t stop.
ROSS
(Agreeing) They go right on.
MARTIN
Right.
ROSS
Why is Stevie going to the feed store?
MARTIN
She isn’t.
ROSS
Then why did she …
MARTIN
It’s a joke.
ROSS
A standing joke?
MARTIN
No, a new one; a brand-new one.
ROSS
OK? Ready? Ready Martin; here we go; just … be yourself.
MARTIN
Really?
ROSS
(A tiny bit testy) Well, no; maybe not. Put on your public face.
MARTIN
(Overly cheerful) OK!!
ROSS
And don’t switch in the middle.
MARTIN
(More) OK!!
ROSS
(Under his breath) Jesus! (Announcer voice) Good evening. This is Ross Tuttle. Welcome to People Who Matter. Some people have birthdays and no one pays them any mind. Well … family, of course, friends. And others … well, some people are … I was going to say special, but that’s a … dumb word, for everyone matters, everyone’s special. But some people matter in extraordinary ways, in ways which affect the lives of the rest of us—enrich them, inform them. Some people, I guess, are, well … more extraordinary than others. Martin Gray—whom you’ve met on this program before—is such a man, such a person. Good evening, Martin.
MARTIN
Good … uh, evening, Ross. (sotto voce) It’s mid-afternoon.
ROSS
(Quiet snarl) I know. Shut up! (Announcer voice) Three things happened to you this week, Martin. You became the youngest person ever to win the Pritzker Prize, architecture’s version of the Nobel. Also this week you were chosen to design The World City, the two hundred billion dollar dream city of the future, financed by U.S. electronics technology and set to rise in the wheatfields of our Middle West. Also, this week, you celebrated your fiftieth birthday. Happy birthday, Martin, and congratulations!
MARTIN
(Brief pause; casual) Thanks, Ross.
ROSS
Quite a week, Martin!
MARTIN
(A little puzzled) Yes; yes it was. Quite a week.
ROSS
(Big) How does it feel, Martin?
MARTIN
Becoming fifty?
ROSS
(Pushing) No. All of it. Yes.
MARTIN
Well …
ROSS
(Sensing no answer is coming) It must be amazing! No, thrilling!
MARTIN
Turning fifty? No: not really.
ROSS
(Not amused) No! The other! The World City! The Pritzker! All that!
MARTIN
(Genuine surprise) Oh, that! Well, yes … amazing, thrilling.
ROSS
(Prompting) For one so young.
MARTIN
(Innocent) Fifty is young?
ROSS
(Controlling himself) For the Pritzker Prize! Where were you when they told you?
MARTIN
I was at the gym; I’d taken all my clothes off, and Stevie called me there.
ROSS
Stevie is your wife.
MARTIN
I know that.
ROSS
How did it make you feel?
MARTIN
Stevie being my wife?
ROSS
No: the Prize.
MARTIN
Well, it was … gratifying—not being naked, but … hearing about it—the Prize.
ROSS
(Exuberant) Weren’t you … thunderstruck!?
MARTIN
Well, no; they’d hinted at it—the Prize, I mean, and …
ROSS
(Heavily prompting) But it was pretty wonderful, wasn’t it?
MARTIN
(Understanding what to say) Yes; yes it was pretty wonderful—is pretty wonderful.
ROSS
Tell us about The World City.
MARTIN
Well, you just did: two hundred billion dollars, and all, the wheatfields of Kansas, or whatever …
ROSS
What an honor! What a duo of honors! You’re at the … pinnacle of your success, Martin …
MARTIN
(Considers that) You mean it’s all downhill from here?
ROSS
CUT! CUT! (Camera down. To MARTIN) What’s the matter with you!?
MARTIN
Sorry?
ROSS
I can’t shoot that! You were a million miles away!!
MARTIN
(Considering) That far.
ROSS
MARTIN
Try what?
ROSS
The taping! The program!
MARTIN
(As if seeing the camera for the first time) Oooooh.
ROSS
We’re taping!
MARTIN
(Unhappy) Yes; I know.
ROSS
(Nicely concerned) Something the matter?
MARTIN
I think so. Yes; probably.
ROSS
Do you want to talk about it, as they say?
MARTIN
About what?
ROSS
About what’s the matter.
MARTIN
(Concerned) Why? What’s the matter?
ROSS
You said something was the matter, that you think something’s the matter.
MARTIN
(Far away) Oh.
ROSS
Forty years, Martin; we’ve known each other forty years—since we were ten.
MARTIN
(Trying to understand) Yes. That gives you something? Rights, or something?
ROSS
I’m your oldest friend.
MARTIN
No; my aesthetics professor at college; I still see him; he’s a lot older than you; he’s over ninety.
ROSS
(So patient) Your longest friend: the person you’ve known the longest.
MARTIN
No; my Aunt Sarah; she’s known me …
ROSS
(Trying to stay patient) She’s not a friend!
MARTIN
(Deep, quiet surprise) Oh?
ROSS
(Close to giving up) No; she’s a relative; relatives are not friends!
MARTIN
Oh, now …
ROSS
Are not the same as friends. Jesus!
MARTIN
Aha! Yes; well, you’re right. I’ve known you longer as a friend than anyone. (Tiny pause) Why is that relevant?
ROSS
Because you’re troubled, and I thought that as your oldest friend I might be able to …
MARTIN
I am? Is that true?
ROSS
You said that something was the matter!
MARTIN
(Not remembering) I did, hunh?
ROSS
Why are you so …? (Can’t find the word)
MARTIN
Are you still shooting? Are you still on?
ROSS
(Heavy sigh) No. We’ll try to do it at the studio later. Sorry.
MARTIN
Can I get up now?
ROSS
If you want to; if you’re not happy.
MARTIN
Why are you talking to me like I was a child?
ROSS
Because you’re acting like one.
MARTIN
(Innocent) I am?
ROSS
Probably the most important week of your life …
MARTIN
(Impressed, if uninvolved) Really!
ROSS
… and you act like you don’t know whether you’re coming or going, like you don’t know where you are.
MARTIN
(Self-absorbed, almost to himself) Maybe it’s … love or something.
ROSS
Maybe what is?
MARTIN
Like a child.
ROSS
(Bingo!) You’re having an affair!
MARTIN
SHHHHHHHH! I mean, Jesus!
ROSS
(Shrugs) It’s OK; he’s not having an affair.
MARTIN
Jesus! Too bad you didn’t bring the crew; they’d love this.
ROSS
(Cool) They know their business.
MARTIN
And …?
ROSS
And …?
MARTIN
Aren’t you guys friendly anymore?
ROSS
They know their business. What do you want me to do—have them over for dinner? Have every crew over for dinner?
MARTIN
(Puzzled) No, I guess not. (Afterthought) Why not?
ROSS
Hm?
MARTIN
Why not have them over for dinner?
ROSS
Oh, for God’s sake, Martin!
MARTIN
(Hands up, defensively) Ok! OK! Jesus!
ROSS
It’s just that … it’s just that I don’t … mix with …
MARTIN
(Joyful) The help?! You don’t mix with the help!?
ROSS
What is wrong with you today!? That’s not what I meant, and you know it.
MARTIN
(Half-serious, half-joking) You’re a snob! I guess I’ve always known that. For all your left-wing, proletarian background, you’re a snob: worst kind.
ROSS
(A plea; a warning) We’re best friends, remember?
MARTIN
Meaning …?
ROSS
We like each other.
MARTIN
(“So, that’s it!”) Ohhhhhhhh!
ROSS
More than anyone.
MARTIN
(Ibid) Ohhhhh! (Considers it) Right; yes. Who else can I be cranky with?
ROSS
Stevie??
MARTIN
Ya know, Stevie doesn’t take too well to cranky anymore. If she’s developed a flaw, it’s that. “Don’t be so cranky, Martin.”
ROSS
Pity.
(They’ve gentled down now)
MARTIN
(Shrugs) Well … you know.
ROSS
(Pause) So you’re in love.
MARTIN
With Stevie? Sure! Twenty-two years now.
ROSS
No, I mean … “in love.” Ficky-fack! Humpty-doodle!
MARTIN
What on earth are you talking about!? “Humpty-doodle!?”
ROSS
You said you were in love—outside of Stevie, as I read it.
MARTIN
(Genuine) Really? I don’t remember.
ROSS
(Impatient sigh; abrupt) O … K! That does it!
MARTIN
(As Ross gathers up stuff; true innocence) Where are you going?
ROSS
(Staring him down) I’m gathering my things and I’m taking my left-wing … what was it?
MARTIN
Uh … proletarian.
ROSS
… proletarian self outa here.
MARTIN
“But, why!” as the …
ROSS
Look, I came here to fucking interview you.
MARTIN
Fine.
ROSS
To boost your ego even more than …
MARTIN
I have no ego.
ROSS
Bullshit! Even more than where it is already and you fuck that up.
MARTIN
Fine. You say fuck a lot.
ROSS
You say fine a lot. (He laughs; so does MARTIN)
MARTIN
Words beginning with F.
ROSS
(Smiles) Yeah. (Pause) So; tell me about it.
MARTIN
(Shy) About …?
ROSS
(Gently urging) Your new love.
MARTIN
Oh; that.
ROSS
Yes.
MARTIN
I don’t know that I want to.
ROSS
Yes; you do.
MARTIN
… that I can.
ROSS
Try.
MARTIN
(Small smile) You’re persistent.
ROSS
Best friend. (MARTIN tries to talk; can’t) Best friend.
MARTIN
(Frustrated explosion) OK!! OK!! (Heavy, slow sigh; long pause) I don’t know if I ever thought that … well
, that Stevie and I would be … well, no; we’re not. (Pause)
ROSS
Are you telling me about it?
MARTIN
I’m starting to … or maybe I’m beginning to start.
ROSS
Oh; OK.
MARTIN
As I said, it never occurred to me that anything like this would come up. ’Cause we’ve always been good together—good in bed, good out; always honest, always … considerate. I’ve not been unfaithful our whole marriage; I want you to know this; never physically untrue, as they say.
ROSS
That’s amazing. It’s wonderful, but … wow!
MARTIN
Yes: wow. Oh, I’ve been groped in the kitchen by a cutie or two, late, a party, once or twice, and I’ve had my hand a couple of places a couple of times, but I’ve never … done anything. You follow.
ROSS
Yes; I follow.
MARTIN
It never seemed … well, necessary, either to be able to do a comparison, or … even for its own sake. I never needed it, I guess. Do you remember that time, that college reunion weekend you and I decided to call that service they’d told us about … the gang had told us about?
ROSS
(Rueful laugh) The Ladies Aid Society?
MARTIN
Yeah, and you called them, and …
ROSS
… and we had a couple of bimbos over …
MARTIN
Bimbi.
ROSS
Yes? (Broad) Ohhhhh, I remember.
MARTIN
… and you were married already, and Stevie and I were dating … or going together …
ROSS
… or whatever.
MARTIN