by Annie Jocoby
Georgie and Gracie, the two pugs, were on the bed. They looked at me expectantly, their tiny curly tails wagging rapidly. Gracie got on her back, begging me to scratch her tummy. They brought me back into reality, which was that I was standing in the bedroom of my 15-year-old sick daughter – not standing in the room of my 5-year-old healthy child. As much as I wanted to pretend that these last few days hadn’t happened, I knew that they had.
I sat down on the bed with her and cleared away the hair from her eyes. She was getting so pretty – her dark hair had grown out so that it grazed her shoulders, and her blue eyes were piercing and crystalline, just like her father’s. She was slender and small-boned, just like me. She had a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks, which often happened when she got out into the sun a bit too much.
“Honey, would you like to not go to school tomorrow? I could take you into the city, like when you were little. We could do lunch and do the Met and just do the town. We haven’t done that in awhile. There’s some good movies coming out that I’d love to see – movies that I think that you’d like too.”
“Mom, I appreciate it, but no. I need for things to be as normal as possible. I mean, I know that I’m going to have to miss a lot of school. Well, hopefully not a lot of school, but I’m going to have to miss some days. But I don’t want to miss school if I don’t have to.”
I smiled at my oh-so-serious daughter. “You’re pretty amazing. Most kids would jump at the chance to miss as much school as possible.”
“Like you did, mom? When you lived in that car?” She stared at me, and I felt that she was looking just a little bit lost. “I know that you really had to bust your ass when you got back into school after that. I’m probably going to have to do the same if I end up missing as much school as I think.”
“I did have to bust my rear.” I still didn’t want to cuss around Addison, even to say the word “ass.” Nick didn’t have a problem with that, of course – he said every word in the book around them, and never tried to cover up his language. But I still felt that Addison needed a role model, so I tried to be that for her.
It was then that I came to an epiphany. Addison needed a role model. I had always tried to give her that. She saw me juggling work responsibilities and familial concerns, all while keeping it all together. I had brought her into work as often as I could, and I always tried to encourage her to follow her paths and her dreams, no matter what they were. She admired me. She admired what I did.
I was letting her down. By giving up on life, drinking all the time, not eating and refusing to work, I was letting her down. She needed me to be strong. She needed that not just because she needed my support, but she also needed to see that being strong meant that you handled life’s adversity. You took all the awful things that fate had in store and you dealt with them.
“Mom,” she said, putting her hand on my knee. “Are you okay? You’re just staring at the wall.”
“I am.” I tousled her hair. “I just realized how dumb I’ve been. How selfish. I need to become better, healthier and less tired. I need to do all that for you. I need to find a way to be strong. You need that from me. You don’t need me to be scared and lost and timid and tired.”
She smiled. “You’re fine, mom. Really. I mean, I’d like for you to talk to me more than you have, but it’s okay if you don’t.”
“How did you get so mature? I remember when you were just a little tiny baby, crawling around here with a pacifier in your mouth. Now, here you are, being more grown-up about this whole thing than your mother.”
“Mom, it’s going to be okay. You’re obviously more worried than I am, because, you know, if I don’t get through this, you’re going to have to live without me. But I obviously won’t have anything else to worry about at that point.” She looked sad, and her words were devastating to me. I couldn’t handle the fact that her mind was going there – dying at the age of 15. Before she ever had the chance to really live.
“But baby, don’t think like that. You’re going to get through this. You are.”
“I know. I guess. But, mom, what if the cancer has spread? I’ve been reading about this disease, and it might be in my lungs. What then? What then mom? We have to look at these possibilities.”
Her words were cutting me to the core, but I tried not to let her know it. She probably already thought of me as being a basket case, and I didn’t blame her. “Honey, we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I think that I need to go back to bed. And you do, too. Seven AM always comes so early.” She always woke up at 7 AM, and got the bus at 7:45. She was able to eat and get ready for school in record time, much faster than I ever did when I was her age.
She nodded her head and closed her laptop. “Okay, mom. Well, goodnight.”
I kissed her forehead, suppressing the sob that was forming in my throat. “Night.”
I tiptoed back into my bed, and snuggled up to Nick. He groaned lightly, which told me that he wasn’t quite asleep, but probably not quite awake, either. It comforted me to feel the warmth of his skin against mine. I said a silent word of thanks for him. If it weren’t for him, I probably would have completely fallen apart. As it was, I was going to have to consciously try to go on with my life in a normal way. I was going to have to go to Addison’s doctor’s appointments, of course, but, the rest of the time, I was going to go to work.
I finally realized that the best way to help Addy was to get my shit together.
And that was exactly what I was going to do.
Eleven
The next day, I got up at 7, along with Nick and Addison. Nick looked at me as I got out of bed. “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you getting up this early?”
“I need to make breakfast for Addison and Chloe. And I need to get ready for work.” I smiled at him, reveling in how he was looking at me with admiration in his eyes. “I finally came to the conclusion that you’re right. I need to try to carry on the best I can. I need this family to come to a kind of normalcy. A new normal, anyhow. And my hanging around the house, moping, instead of working, isn’t doing anyone any good. Least of all Addison.”
Nick smiled and patted the side of the bed. “Hmmmm, I was hoping you would come around. But I still want you to see Adele.” He nuzzled the back of my neck and put his hands on my breasts. “You can give me a few minutes, can’t you?” At that, he kissed my lips, and I felt the familiar feeling of melting into him.
“I can definitely give you a few minutes. Maybe a few more.” As I heard my heart quickening, I said “I think that Addy can probably make herself a bowl of cereal. She’s used to getting her own breakfast, and I…”
Nick pinned my shoulders down on the bed and got on top of me. “I know, Addy can make her own breakfast,” he said. “I really need to feel myself inside of you right now.”
I spread my legs, and felt his hard cock around my opening. I felt flush and warm. I had to admit that it had been a few days since I felt Nick inside of me, and I missed it. I really missed it.
He entered me slowly, filling me up, inch by inch. I threw back my head, glad that I had never, ever gotten tired of making love with Nick. He still excited me as much as he ever did.
He thrust in and out, his hands making their way to my breasts as his tongue was lightly caressing my neck and my earlobes. He hoisted me up to where I was riding him, and I put my hands on his shoulders as I rode him hard. I felt my insides swell up and grip his cock firmly. Finally, with a groan, I was completely and utterly satisfied, and I felt Nick’s hot cum spread inside of me.
I withdrew, and laid back down on the bed next to him. I interlaced my fingers with his own as I stared into his beautiful blue eyes. “I’m scared, Nick, but you’re absolutely right. Life has to go on.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Addison did. She changed my mind. I went to see her last night when I couldn’t sleep. She was wide awake. I guess she couldn’t sleep, either. But as I spoke with her, I realized that she looked
up to me. If I fell apart, then she’d lose faith in me. I can’t have that.”
“I’m glad that you changed your mind. I think that it’s so important that you get back to work and really throw yourself into it. That will take your brain off of what’s going on with Addison, with any luck.”
We both got dressed for work and headed downstairs. Addison was already there, of course, having finished her cereal. Chloe was standing right next to her, and it looked like they both had the same thing for breakfast – cereal and milk, with a glass of orange juice. “Mom,” Chloe said, seeing me. “You’re going to work?”
“I am, pumpkin,” I said. “Now you two better get a move on, or you’re both going to miss the bus.” Chloe went to a different school than Addy, of course, as Chloe was still in middle school and Addy was in the 10th grade in the high school. Nonetheless, their buses usually came about the same time, as both of their schools started at the same time.
They both picked up their backpacks. “I have swimming practice after school,” Chloe said. “But Phillipa’s mom will be bringing me home, so you don’t have to worry.”
“You’ll be home for dinner, though, right?”
“Sure.”
At that, they both left.
I picked up my keys off the hook and Nick and I headed onto work. We generally took separate cars, as Nick often worked longer hours than I did. That’s how I wanted it, too, because I used that commute time for “me” time – I listened to my talk shows on satellite radio, and I often used that time to daydream just a little. My life was always so scheduled that the 45 minutes or more that I spent in the car was like a little interlude.
And I knew that today, of all days, was a day that I was going to need that time to myself. I did my best thinking in the car, and I really needed to do just that.
Twelve
Addison
I was back in the doctor’s office, waiting to get more tests done. In a way, it was a good thing that I was getting all these things done. I needed answers, even if they were bad. But, at the same time, I wanted to be anywhere but right there in that office.
Chloe was sitting next to me. She had told mom and dad that she wanted to be included, so they let her, of course. I didn’t know why she wanted to be there. She certainly seemed to be bored, as bored as the rest of us were. We were all waiting to get into the lab so that I could get my PET scan and whatever else the doctors were going to do to me, and we had been in that waiting area for an hour. There was a television program on, of course, and it looked like a good one – it was an episode of Chopped, which was my favorite show. I dreamed of someday being on that show, and winning it. I dreamed of someday having my own restaurant, or at least be the head chef of a Michelin starred restaurant. Cooking was my passion, and it had been since I was around the age of 10, and mom started to let me help her cook.
To think that there was a possibility that I would never get any of that made me want to vomit. I had to put that out of my mind, even though that day was crucial. If the cancer had spread, then it would be game over. I knew that the most likely place for the cancer to go would be to my lungs, so every cough, every shortness of breath, scared the living shit out of me. I had allergies, and had had them all my life, so I always tended to cough anyhow. But with this hanging over my head…any kind of things going on with my lungs terrified me.
Chloe the owl was reading a book, as usual. She loved to read novels about angels and demons and fantastical things happening in modern-day New York City and other places like that. She also loved to read about shifters – men and women who turn into lions and tigers and bears and things like that, and then turn back again. Whenever she wasn’t studying for a test, she was busying herself with these books, as she was right at that moment.
“What you reading?” I asked her, not really caring about the answer, but wanting to pass the time somehow. Somehow, even though one of my favorite shows was on the television, I couldn’t concentrate on that. I needed to have human conversation. Mom and dad were in the waiting room with us, too, but I felt the need to talk to Chloe instead of to them. Mom and dad were still being weird, even though they both were trying not to be. Chloe, on the other hand, really was being normal, and I wanted that. I needed that.
Chloe shrugged. “The usual. I’m reading a story about a teenager who is finding out that he changes into a bear sometimes. He’s about to meet this human girl and fall in love. I think that this boy is going to also turn into a billionaire or something. I’m not really sure.”
“Sounds like a very realistic book,” I said with a smile. I also liked to read, but I enjoyed reading thrillers, like medical and legal thrillers, and mysteries and things like that. Sometimes I enjoyed paranormal thrillers and mysteries, even though I thought that they were kind of hooey. Fun hooey, but hooey nonetheless. “I suppose him becoming a billionaire has something to do with him shifting into a bear, right? Like he has the secret to super-human strength, like a bear, so he’s able to bottle that and sell it. Right?”
Chloe shrugged her shoulders again. “I don’t know, Addy. I told you I think that he’s going to become a billionaire, because they usually do in these books. But I don’t know for sure.” She rolled her eyes and put her nose back into her book.
Chloe appeared that she wasn’t going to talk to me, so I started to watch the show again. They’re ingredients that they had to incorporate were squid, some kind of star fruit, and asparagus. As I always did when I watched this show, I imagined myself making something with the ingredients. I practiced in my head on what I would do and put myself into the shoes of the contestants.
Mom noticed me watching the TV and came over and sat next to me. “You’ll get on that show,” she said. “Just you watch and see.”
I nodded. “Maybe I could try to get on the Chopped Junior show.” Chopped had a show just for younger contestants, and I really wanted to try out for that one as soon as I could. I smiled as I realized that my battle with cancer might actually be a plus when I tried out for that show, as the producers tended to like people with sad stories. And it certainly would be a sad story if I beat cancer but lost my leg. Not to mention my hair. I subconsciously touched my head and felt my hair. Was I going to lose it? When it came back would it be different? I had straight brown hair, and, from what I read, I might end up with curly red hair or something when everything was said and done.
Would I still be me?
“Why don’t we send in an audition tape and see what happens?” mom asked. “It couldn’t hurt. Maybe they’ll take you.”
I smiled. “Well, it’s on my bucket list. I never thought that I would be making up a bucket list at 15, but here I am.”
When I said that, I saw that it made mom really sad, so I felt horrible. Her eyes filled with tears and I saw her swallow a huge lump in her throat. “Addison, don’t talk like that. You don’t have to make up a bucket list.”
“But mom, everyone should have a bucket list. Everyone. Nobody knows when they’re going to get hit by a bus on their way to work one day. Nobody knows when there might be a school shooter showing up and mowing everyone down. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, so my making a bucket list is just smart.”
Mom hung her head, but I think that she saw my point. “You’re right. I never made my own bucket list, but maybe I should.”
I smiled. “What would be on your bucket list? It seems like you’ve done everything that you’ve set out to do.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe learning to ski. Your dad is a great skier, but I never really learned. I was always too scared, because your dad skis the black diamonds.” She shook her head. “I could never imagine doing those black diamonds. Or any other kind of slope.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah. I’d like to see New Zealand. It looks like a beautiful country. Your father and I have been everywhere else, it seems – all over Europe, Russia, Africa, China. We’ve even gone to Australia. But never New Zealand. That’s where they filmed t
hose Lord of the Rings movies, you know. It’s Middle Earth.”
Chloe looked up when mom mentioned Lord of the Rings. That was one of her favorite books, and I knew that she practically had it memorized. Myself, I had never read it, nor had I seen any of the movies. “I’d like to see New Zealand too,” she said. “I think we should go during spring break. With Addison. Maybe even Olivia, although she’s always busy these days. I’d like to see where they filmed those movies.”
“Well, there we go,” I said to mom. “We have a destination for spring break. Hopefully I can hike and do all that. I might not have a leg by then.”
Spring break was next month, so, with any luck, I would still have a leg then. But if I didn’t, I didn’t. I was going to learn to live with whatever happened to me. I was going to figure it out.
“What about you, dad?” I asked him. “What’s on your bucket list?”
Dad just shook his head. “I don’t really have one. I pretty much do everything that I’ve ever wanted to do. The bucket list is for people who put things off that they really want. Except for young teenagers like you – you haven’t had the chance to really do things that you really want, so a bucket list is appropriate for you.” He smiled. “And your mom and I are going to make sure that you meet your goals, whatever they are.”
“Dad, I’m not going to die. It’s not that important that you guys take me to New Zealand right away or whatnot. I don’t want you to treat me like one of those Make-A-Wish kids or whatever.” I hated the feeling that my dad was thinking about that – as if I had a year to live, and he and mom needed to take me right away to do the things that I wanted to do.