by Annie Jocoby
I lost track of time as I sat there on the beach, but I finally became ready to go back to the hospital. I trudged back to the car and took a look at my phone. I became alarmed to see that there were about 20 missed calls from Scotty.
Oh crap. Obviously something had happened while I was checked out at the beach.
I immediately called Scotty back, and she answered right away. “Where’ve you been?” she demanded the second she picked up. Her voice was full of rage.
I was put back on my heels and felt defensive. I deserved to be attacked, I knew that, but still…hearing that tone from Scotty got my hackles up. “I’ve been at the beach,” I told her. “What’s going on?”
“Your daughter is losing her leg, that’s what’s going on. How could you do this? How could you leave me alone to make this decision? What if it was a wrong decision? It’s going to be only on me. I can’t believe that you would just leave like that.”
My heart suddenly dropped when I heard that. How could I be this irresponsible? It wasn’t like me to do that. All that I could think was that I felt like I was suffocating in that hospital, but that was no excuse. No excuse at all. “I’ll be right there.”
I drove like a bat out Hell to get back to the hospital. Scotty needed me and I felt absolutely awful. Absolutely terrible. I shook my head as my car weaved in and out of traffic, with me praying to the God that I long since shunned that a cop wouldn’t pull me over. At one point, I was behind two slow people, so I gunned my car on the shoulder of the highway.
I finally got to the hospital where I saw my tiny wife sitting in a chair just staring at the wall. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. “Honey, I’m so sorry….”
She shook her head. “How could you do this to me?” she asked. “God, that sounds so selfish. This isn’t about me. It’s about our daughter.” She looked defeated. “I mean, what happened, happened. It was going to happen whether or not you were here. But I had to make that terrible decision on my own.” She hung her head and I put it on my shoulder. That always made her feel comforted and I hoped that it would have that effect right at that moment as well.
To my surprise, she threw both of her arms around my neck. I couldn’t forgive myself for not being there when Scotty was making this decision, but she apparently forgave me. At least I hoped that she did. “Nick,” she said, “Addy’s losing her leg. What’s going to happen? Will she be able to play soccer?” She shook her head. “Oh, that’s crazy. Soccer is such a minor thing. What about wearing a prom dress or a wedding dress or any kind of dress?” She shook her head again. “Why am I obsessed with these minor things?”
“Because they’re not minor.” I held Scotty’s head against my shoulder. “They’re not minor. They’re everything. They’re the moments that make up a life, and our little girl won’t be able to experience them like everyone else.” I felt devastated too, just as devastated as Scotty, but I really needed to be there for her. I wasn’t there for her when she actually was making this decision, but I was determined that I was going to be there for her right at that moment.
In the meantime, I knew that I was going to have to have my support team there. Ryan was going to want to know about this. I hadn’t really filled him in about Addison’s illness, because there really wasn’t time. Everything had happened so quickly, and he had been out of town for business. He was going to want to know about this, though. I was also going to have to call Addison’s step-sisters, Charlotte and April, who were both living in New York, where they had moved after they finished college. Scotty was going to call Jack, I knew.
I was definitely going to need more help with this. Scotty was falling apart, and I wasn’t feeling as strong as I needed to be either. Besides, these were all people who Addison loved. They needed to be there for her when she woke up.
All at once, though, I knew that Addison waking up was going to be one of the most devastating moments of my entire life.
Eighteen
Addison
I woke up in a hospital bed and looked and saw everyone who loved me. It was such a strange thing, going into surgery. They told me to count backwards from 100, which I did, and the last thing I remember was floating. That was the only word for it – floating. Then, just like that, I was in a hospital bed with a shit-ton of people surrounding me. Not just mom and dad and Olivia and Chloe, but also Uncle Ryan and Aunt Iris, and my two step-sisters, April and Charlotte. Uncle Jack was also there, along with Zane and Daniel.
“Hey,” I said to everyone. I felt completely out of it. My right leg was throbbing, though. Absolutely throbbing. “I need some painkillers.”
Mom came over to me. “Honey, we’re so happy that you're awake.” She didn’t look very happy, though. There was something wrong – that much I could tell. Mom was never one to hide the way that she was feeling.
“What’s going on? Why are there so many people here?”
Mom started to wring her hands and Chloe started to cry. Dad put his arm around Chloe, and ushered her out the door. At that point, I started to feel really weird. My heart started to pound and I felt completely shaky. “Mom, what’s going on?”
She looked around. “I called the doctor. He was here a second ago. He just left to run to an emergency after he brought you out of sedation.
“That didn’t exactly answer my question.” I looked at everyone and nodded at Ryan and Iris and April and Charlotte. “It’s good to see you guys.” I looked back at mom. “Answer my earlier question.”
It was then that I put my hand on my right leg. It was throbbing so much that I tried to massage it. My heart started to beat out of my chest as I realized that the lower part of my leg was missing.
And it all became clear.
I suddenly became enraged. Everyone was there, looking at me with pity, and I suddenly knew why. I suddenly knew why it was so important that everybody in the world had to show up right there in my hospital room. Everyone and their brother and sister was there, and I knew why.
“I’d like everyone to leave,” I said. “And I need to see that doctor right now. Right fucking now.”
I glared at everyone, one by one, letting them know with my eyes that they weren’t welcome. I had no idea why I was so angry. I only knew that I was.
Everyone left but mom. She stayed next to my bed and held my hand. “Mom, I said everyone and I mean everyone. Out now.”
“Honey, I’ll find that doctor.” She looked around the room, as if she expected the doctor to magically appear at any second.
At that point, dad showed back up without Chloe. He took mom’s arm and whispered something to her.
“Mom, I told you to leave. I want you and dad out of here. And I want to see that doctor. Yesterday!” I crossed my arms in front of me.
Dad took mom’s arm and literally dragged her out of the room. “Nick, let me go!” she said to dad. “My baby needs me. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s in pain and scared and I can’t leave until that goddamned doctor can get back here and talk to her.”
Dad spoke to mom in a low voice and continued to drag her out of the room. Chloe was right behind them.
After everyone left, I started to cry. Obviously something went wrong, but I couldn’t fucking believe how it happened. I mean, I went into surgery thinking that I was going to come out of it with two legs. That doctor almost assured me that would be the case. Nobody told me that they could just take my leg without telling me about it. I figured that if the surgeon was going to take my leg that they would do it in a different surgery. You know, prepare me and everything. But no. Apparently the doctor thought that it was going to be just fine to go ahead and chop off my leg without telling me or preparing me or anything.
To say that I was pissed understated the matter.
Five minutes later, give or take, the doctor finally showed up. “Dr. Jensen,” I said, “what happened? Why do I not have a leg? You told me that you were going to cut out the tumor and that I’d be back on the socce
r field. Yet I wake up and there’s no leg. Leg gone. What happened?”
“I’m very sorry, but there were complications. The cancer was more widespread than I had originally thought. When I performed the surgery, I unfortunately found that the cancer had invaded your muscle tissue and surrounding areas. Amputation was the only option at that point.”
“Dr. Quack.” I started to flap my arms like a duck and quacked. “Dr. Quack Quack.” I knew that I was being a brat and disrespectful, but I didn’t care. “Why didn’t you explain to me that this was a possibility before I went under?”
Was I being unfair? The doctor had explained to me that amputation might be necessary. He did explain all that. It was just that I hadn’t planned on that happening to me. I hadn’t planned on the doctor finding out that the cancer had invaded other areas and that I would just wake up without a right leg. I mean, I had part of a right leg – the stump. I didn’t think that counted, though.
At that, Dr. Jensen took a seat next to me. “I’m very sorry, Addison. This is a complication that does occur. I know that I explained to you that there would be the possibility that amputation would be necessary. I’m very sorry that you weren’t more prepared for this eventuality. Please understand, though, that we had spoken at length about the possibility that this would happen.”
“Yes, but how did you not know that the cancer had invaded my muscles and stuff? Isn’t a doctor supposed to know that before he performs the surgery?”
“Addison, the cancer that was on your muscles and tendons was microscopic. It didn’t show up on the scans. You did understand that this was a possibility.”
I did understand. That was true. I just didn’t think that it was going to happen.
I swallowed hard and shook my head. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t happening. How could this be happening?
“Addison, would you like to have your family back here?” the good doctor asked.
I nodded my head. I was starting to calm down, yet starting to feel completely defeated. Completely defeated. How could I wrap my head around what had happened to me?
One by one, each of the people who were around my hospital bed before filed back into the room. Mom came up to me and sat on the bed, putting her arm around me. “Honey, I’m so sorry that this happened. But the doctor said that, because your leg was amputated, you won’t have to go through chemo and radiation. Isn’t that wonderful?”
I nodded. “I would be a total freak if I lost all my hair, wouldn’t I?”
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it that way.”
“What way would you put it? I guess I do have to look at the bright side.” I was being sarcastic, because I had finally had enough. Enough. It had only been a matter of weeks since I went into that hospital to find out what was happening to me, but it had already felt like years and years. “Now I won’t be that freak with the bald head and no leg. What a relief.”
Olivia glared at me. “You’re being a total brat, do you know that? Listen, you’re going to live. You might not live the way that you want to, but you’re going to have every chance. Lots of people have lost a leg, not just you. And dad’s sister wasn’t as lucky as you are. Think about that.”
April, my step-sister who was the most level-headed of the bunch, put her arm around Olivia. “You’re not helping.”
I reached out to touch April’s arm. “Actually, Olivia is helping. She’s right. I could be like Aunt Michelle.” I suddenly felt awful. “Who I never got to meet.”
Everything just hit me, and I started to cry. I was being a horrible person. I had to think about how lucky I was to be alive. How lucky I was to not have to go through chemo and radiation.
Then again, this whole situation reminded me of a line in The Thornbirds, which was an old, old mini-series that was a favorite of my mom’s, even though it was before her time, too. There was a scene where a great fire had wiped out everything and killed both the father and the brother of the main character, Meggie Cleary. When she got angry with God, the good priest Ralph, who was soon to be her lover, told Meggie to look at the bright side. God spared a rose, and sent the rain that put out the fire. God was good.
Then Meggie made the point that God had sent the fire to begin with.
That was how I felt, deep down. Yes, I was spared the horrors of radiation and chemo. Yes, it appeared, for now, that I wasn’t going to be headed for an early grave like poor Aunt Michelle. I guess that God was good there. But then again, God also gave me the cancer, so it was difficult to thank Him.
On the bright side, it appeared that I might, might, live long enough to send in audition tape to Chopped Junior. I had to hurry up and try to get on that show before I turned 16, and there was the possibility that my being one-legged might actually be a bonus. I’d have the right sob story to make it on there.
Was the trade-off worth it?
Later on that night, after everyone went home except mom and dad, who were sleeping in two chairs next to my bed, it all hit me at once. I was different now. I would never be the same. Plus, I was going to feel like an absolute freak of nature. What would happen at school with the other kids? How would they treat me? I was never all that popular to begin with. I mean, I had friends and I played soccer, but I was never going to be homecoming queen, that was for sure. I imagined that if I was a popular girl, I could start a fashion trend with my…what? What clothes would I wear? Could I ever wear a skirt, ever? Or a dress? What would happen when I went to prom, assuming I would be invited?
So many questions.
Mom woke up and looked over at me. “Honey, you’re still awake. It’s 3 AM. Can’t you sleep at all?”
I shook my head and felt tears coming down my face. “I love you mom, and I’m sorry for being a bitch earlier. I think that I was just in total shock.”
Mom came over to me. “Can I hold you?”
I nodded and she climbed up on the bed with me.
I put my head on her shoulder and cried for what seemed like hours.
Nineteen
The next day, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I only had one leg. I was going to have months, maybe years, of rehab in front of me. I had seen videos of warriors on television, trying to learn how to walk after their leg was blown off. I kinda knew what was in store for me.
What I didn’t anticipate was how much pain I was in. It felt like the leg was still there, and it felt like it was on fire. That was the only way to explain it - my right leg, below my knee, was on fire, even though it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t want painkillers, because I was afraid of them. I knew how addictive they were, because I had a friend who started on painkillers for a bad back, and ended up addicted to heroin when the doctors wouldn’t give her more. So, when the doctor tried to put me on a painkiller, I said no.
“Dr. Jensen, I know that you’re looking out for me, but I don’t want any painkillers. I’ll take some aspirin, but none of those painkillers. I’ll suffer.”
And suffer I did, so bad that day that I cried all day. At least the physical pain took away from the emotional pain, though. That was worse. I felt like I was like nobody else in the world. I knew that wasn’t true, because lots of people lost their legs, but that wasn’t helpful to me right then. A freak is what I felt like.
All through the day, though, lots of people visited me from school. Janet, one of my best friends, came by, as did Tisha. Everyone on the soccer team came by, one by one, including my coach. Even Blake came by, to my huge surprise. That was the worst, really, because I could tell that he was turned off by how I looked. That just made me cry even more.
Tisha was actually the most comforting of the bunch. She was an expert in talking without addressing the elephant in the room, and, for some reason, that was what I wanted right then.
“So, I’m here to tell you all the latest gossip. You really have to get back to school. Everyone misses you.”
“I’ll be back. I mean, not today, of course. But as soon as I can. They’re going to put a new
leg on me at some point, but they want to get me used to walking on crutches without a leg first.” I lowered my voice. “How weird is everyone going to treat me when I show up without a leg?”
Tisha shrugged. “Not weird at all. I know that you’re going to be self-conscious, but don’t be.” She shrugged her shoulders. “After Tina transitioned last year, she was so certain that everyone would just drop over dead when she showed up after her surgery, but nobody batted an eyelash. They won’t for you, either.”
Tina used to be Tony, and was a good friend of Tisha’s brother, Hank. Surprisingly, Hank and Tina are still the best of friends, showing how little people of my age really cared about such things.
“That’s a little different. I mean, Tina looks like a woman. She is a woman. Nobody would just look at her and think that she’s deformed or something. And she’s pretty hot at that. That’s different.”
“The point is, nobody cares about things like sex changes or missing legs or things like that. This is the 21st Century, and we’ve all evolved. Anyhow, like I said, I have gossip for you.”
As Tisha filled me in on all the happenings at school - this couple broke up, that couple got into a huge fight in the hallway, such and such was having a spat with so and so, I felt somewhat comforted. Was Tisha right? Would the kids not care about how I looked?
“And girl, Blake is really into you,” she said. “He’s been asking about you non-stop.”
“Ha. Well, he was here earlier, and he left pretty quickly. I don’t think that he’ll be back.”
Tisha raised her eyebrows. “Really? Huh.” Then she shrugged her shoulders. “Well, I’ll found out what’s going on with that. If he can’t handle your new figure, he can’t handle it. Who needs that or who needs him? Seriously.” She shook her head. “You’re still you. You’re still gorgeous. I mean, I’d kill for your rack and your hair. And your eyes. You’re not going to have a problem, trust me on that.”