by Rosie Clarke
‘About three months ago,’ Sheila said. ‘Before we left America on our European tour. In April, I think. I’m sorry, Emma. If Jane Melcher didn’t tell you, I probably shouldn’t have … I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t done out of spite, believe me.’
‘No, of course not,’ I said. My head was beginning to clear a little. ‘I would rather know … I would rather know …’
That wasn’t quite the truth. Alone in my hotel room that night, I found myself unable to sleep, and tossed restlessly on my pillows as the thoughts tumbled in my mind.
Jack was here in England. I had no real need to wonder what had brought him to Southend. Knowing Jack, it would be business. He was a wealthy, powerful man and had always been caught up in some deal or other even during the war.
I switched on the bedside lamp, reaching for the library book I had brought with me. It was Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful And The Damned, which I had wanted to read for a long time, but I was too disturbed to settle to it. Sheila’s news had shocked and distressed me, and the words blurred on the page.
Jack married … What was she like, his wife? Was she pretty? She would be, I knew that. Much prettier than me. Did he love her? Were they as good together in bed as Jack and I had been?
The stupid, petty jealousies were like needles in my flesh. I wanted to scream or cry, but there was no sense in giving way to my feelings.
I had thought I was over the pain of losing Jack, but it was back, cutting me to the bone. I was still in love with him, as much as ever, and very aware of what I had thrown away.
This was madness. I must not let myself think this way!
‘You made your bed, lass, now you must lie on it.’
I seemed to hear my beloved Gran speaking to me down the years. She had been a very wise lady, and I knew she would scold me for letting myself look back with regret.
‘No regrets, Emma. Look to the future.’
I had made my choice. I had chosen Jon and sent Jack away. I knew I would do the same if I was forced to make that choice all over again … so why did I feel like weeping?
I prayed that I would not bump into Jack any more. We were leaving Southend on the Saturday afternoon, and the children wanted to go on the pier again before we caught our train. With any luck I would not be forced to see Jack again. I could push the memory of him back to a corner of my mind, where it could not hurt me – at least, not as much as it was hurting now.
‘Mum, when can we do this again?’ James demanded as we walked back to the hotel, loaded down with our parcels. Sheila had enjoyed spending money on both children, and I had not tried to stop her, so they had lots of good things to take home. ‘It was fun. I want to stay in a hotel again one day soon.’
‘I was thinking I might take a house in Cornwall for a few weeks next month,’ I replied. ‘Grandma and Bert could come with us – and Sarah. It would be more fun like that … don’t you think so?’
James did not reply. I thought he was considering my question, but when I glanced down at him I saw he was staring at a man who was walking along the street towards us.
‘Daddy …’ he yelled and started to run. ‘Daddy …’
My son had grown out of calling me Mummy since just after he started school, but Jack was still his daddy. That hurt somehow. My heart caught as I wondered how Jack would react. I watched as he suddenly became aware of the young boy charging eagerly towards him. For a moment he hesitated, then he started to grin and took swift steps to meet James, catching him up and swinging him off the ground.
‘Hello, son,’ he said, his manner natural, welcoming. ‘Well, this is a surprise. I was coming to see you in London next week. I’ve got a present for you.’
Sheila looked at me as I paused uncertainly.
‘Go on,’ she hissed. ‘Now’s your chance. Make him crawl, Emma. Tell him to get the hell out of your life.’
‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘James adores him.’
I walked towards Jack, my heart jerking, Lizzy still clinging apprehensively to my hand. ‘Hello, Jack,’ I said as I reached him. ‘I’m sorry about this …’
‘Why?’ His brows rose, and I could see him looking at Lizzy. He seemed angry, but was trying to conceal it, probably for James’s sake. ‘Because of last night I suppose. Well, I won’t deny it was a shock. I was with colleagues and thought it best not to intrude. I was going to call next week … to see James as I promised I would next time I was in London.’ He ruffled James’s hair, something that would have made my son squirm if I had done it, but which he seemed to enjoy coming from Jack. It was quite clear that whatever place Jon had in his life – Jack was his father. I doubted that he had thought about the meaning of the word. Jack was the daddy he recognized and loved.
I met Jack’s intense gaze. ‘You haven’t been back to London since the war?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I’ve had other things to keep me busy.’
‘Yes, so I believe.’ I raised my head, hoping no sign of my inner turmoil showed as I looked into his eyes. ‘I understand congratulations are in order?’
‘You mean because I’m married?’ I nodded and Jack’s expression became even colder, if that was possible.
‘Emmie …’ Lizzy tugged at my hand. ‘Can I have an ice cream please? Just one more before we go home?’
‘I’ll take her,’ Sheila offered. ‘You’ll find us in the cafe over the road, Emma.’ She held out her hand. ‘You coming, James?’
He shook his head. His expression was tortured. It was obvious he wanted that ice cream, but he wanted to stay with Jack more.
‘No, I want to be with Jack,’ he said. He had remembered he was grown up now, his expression slightly apprehensive as he looked at his daddy. ‘Are you really going to come and see me next week, sir?’
‘Yes, I really am,’ Jack said. ‘I promise. I’ll take you out somewhere – if your mother says it’s OK?’ I nodded, and Jack gave him a little push towards Sheila and Lizzy. ‘Go with your friend,’ he said. ‘I want to talk to your mother now for a few minutes.’
James was silent, still hesitant, then he nodded and ran off to join Sheila and Lizzy. For a moment Jack and I stood absolutely still, just staring at each other.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jack said. ‘I was rude last night, Emma. I should have come over and said hello.’
‘You were surprised to see me,’ I said. I was desperately trying to stay calm. ‘It was a shock for me, too, seeing you walk in like that. We only brought the children down for a couple of days. Sheila has been in America since the war. She came over to visit Lizzy, who lives with me, and book the hotels for her husband’s tour. Todd Jansen, the jazz singer.’
Jack nodded, his expression thoughtful. ‘Yes, I sort of recognized her. We met once at a charity concert in New York. I vaguely remember she was a friend of yours once …’
‘We are friends,’ I replied. ‘We don’t see each other often, but we’re still friends …’
‘Am I still your friend, Emma?’
My throat was tight with emotion. ‘Do you want to be?’
‘It might be easier … for the boy’s sake.’ Jack’s eyes were intent on my face. ‘I would like to see something of him while I’m here – and keep in touch in the future.’ He frowned. ‘I thought he might have forgotten me by now. ‘It was my intention to bring him a present and then go quietly away again if he had forgotten about me …’
‘James has never forgotten you …’
My heart was aching. I had not forgotten Jack either, but I would not let him see that if I could help it.
‘In that case, you won’t mind if I call to see James?’
‘No, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t.’ I hesitated, then raised my gaze to meet his. ‘I am fetching Jon home from hospital tomorrow. He doesn’t know about …’
‘About us being lovers?’ There was a faint smile in Jack’s eyes. ‘No, I didn’t imagine he would. I’ll be careful, Emma. All your husband needs to know is that I’m Jam
es’s friend. I’ll tell him I prefer to be called Jack now he’s grown up.’
‘Yes, that might be best … more tactful. James does call Jon Father occasionally … though only out of politeness. He clearly still thinks of you as his daddy.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Well, I ought to be going … we have to catch the train at two-thirty this afternoon.’
‘I shall see you next week then,’ Jack said. His gaze narrowed. ‘Thank you for being so reasonable, Emma.’
‘Why should I be anything else?’ I asked. ‘I did what I had to do, Jack. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘No,’ he said, and there was an odd expression in his eyes now. ‘I believe you did what you thought was right … and perhaps you were. Who knows about these things?’
‘You wouldn’t have met your wife if I had left Jon …’
‘No …’ Jack smiled, a mocking, challenging look that made me flinch as if he had struck me. ‘I wouldn’t, would I, Emma?’
‘I wish you every happiness, Jack.’
‘Thank you, Emma. Believe me, I am as happy as I deserve to be.’
I nodded, and turned away to cross the road.
‘Are you happy, Emma?’
His question held me. For a moment I paused on the edge of the pavement, glancing back at him. ‘I’m as happy as I expected to be,’ I said; then I ran across the street and did not look back.
Chapter 3
‘Well, what did he have to say for himself?’ Sheila asked when we were sitting on the train. The children were bored with playing with their toys and had gone out to walk up and down the corridor. ‘I hope he apologized for his rudeness?’
‘Yes, he did,’ I replied. ‘He says it would be better if we could be friends – for James’s sake.’
‘I would have told him to get lost,’ she said, pulling a wry face. ‘You’re storing up trouble for yourself. You were always too forgiving, Emma. People take advantage …’ She laughed as she realized what she’d said. ‘Including me.’
‘Everyone does what they have to do …’
‘I could pay you the money back now … the five hundred pounds you let me have when … I needed it.’
‘I don’t need it,’ I said. ‘If I ever do, I’ll ask. Just let the past go, Sheila. I’d like us to be friends, really friends. Even if we don’t see each other much.’
‘We’ll keep in touch,’ she promised. ‘I always meant to come back one day. It may be a long time before I can visit again, but I shan’t forget. You or Lizzy.’
I nodded. There wasn’t much need for words. Sheila’s visit had removed a nagging worry from the back of my mind. I had always wondered if she might return to claim Lizzy, but now I knew she wouldn’t. Lizzy might choose to leave us one day, but that was a long way in the future.
A future that was about to change. It would seem very strange to have Jon actually living with us all the time. There would be adjustments to make … not least the presence of my husband in my bed every night.
I was thoughtful as I drove down to fetch Jon from the small military hospital the next day. Sheila had gone off to finish making arrangements for Todd’s tour, and things were back to normal again – or almost.
It wasn’t as easy to dismiss my chance meeting with Jack as I’d hoped, or the knowledge that he would be coming to the house to visit my son. A part of me wanted to forget, but another part of me was tingling with anticipation … excited at the prospect of seeing him again. It seemed that neither my son or I had been able to forget Jack.
Don’t be a fool, Emma!
I scolded myself mentally. I had fought long and hard for my peace of mind, and now I was in danger of letting Jack destroy it all over again. It would be foolish of me to allow him back into my heart and mind. I must keep reminding myself that Jack was now married.
He must love his new wife. Of course he did! He had forgotten me, forgotten the way it had been between us … and yet something in his parting words had seemed to deny that.
‘Believe me, I’m as happy as I deserve to be.’
What did that mean? I felt a surge of hope, ridiculous, selfish, glorious hope that he still loved me. I squashed it swiftly. It would be wicked of me to hope that Jack was not happy, that he had never truly forgotten me.
I made a determined effort to put all such thoughts from my mind. This was a special day. It was the last time I would need to fetch Jon home. From now on we would be living together, all the years of pain and struggle behind us.
Sister Jones was waiting in her office. I had brought her several small gifts of flowers, fruit and chocolate. She had a passion for Fry’s dark chocolate bars, which I had discovered over the years. We were friends now, and she smiled ruefully as I handed her my gifts.
‘I’m going to miss your visits, Emma – and so will the boys. They all look forward to seeing you.’
‘I shall miss you, Vera – but you must visit us in London whenever you come up. Let me know, and I’ll arrange seats at the theatre.’
‘Always so generous.’ She smiled. ‘I might just come one day. And now, I mustn’t keep you any longer. Jon is in the games room. He and some of the others are having a few beers. Jon insisted on giving a little party.’
I nodded my understanding. Jon was more fortunate than some of his friends. His scars had responded to treatment, healing fairly well over the years, as had his injured hand, but there were other men who would never leave this place: either because they were too ill or afraid of the world outside.
I stood on the threshold of the games room and watched. Jon was talking to a man in a wheelchair. Robert’s spine had been shattered and he would never walk again. His wife had visited him once, then written to say she could not face coming back. His situation was not uncommon amongst these heroes of the peace.
‘Emma …’ Jon’s face lit up as he saw me. ‘Don’t stand there, darling. Come and say goodbye to everyone.’
‘I brought a few things,’ I said as I kissed his cheek. ‘Pam made cake and biscuits.’ I put the tin down amongst the debris of glasses and empty bottles. ‘I’ll leave them for your friends.’
‘We’re going to miss you, Emma,’ Robert said, grinning at me. ‘Your pretty face makes a change from Sister’s ugly mug.’
‘I heard that,’ Sister Jones said from the doorway. ‘That’s an extra enema for you, my lad!’
‘Sorry, Sister! I’m drunk – not responsible for my actions. Or words come to that. Not that I ever am, of course.’
There was a chorus of laughter from the men. Sister was smiling. She was accustomed to their insults, which were meant only in jest and helped to relieve the tedium. Life here wasn’t all pain and misery, thanks to the devotion of people like Vera Jones.
I stayed talking to the men I had come to know so well for over an hour. Then it was time to leave for the last time. We said our goodbyes and went out. I sensed something in Jon as we walked to the car – apprehension perhaps, or a certain sadness.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘You’re not sorry to be leaving, are you?’
Jon glanced at me, a rueful expression in his eyes. ‘You know me so well, Emma. No, I’m not sorry to leave, but I am sorry for Rob and some of the others. And there is a slight fear of facing up to the future … of life outside …’
‘You’ve no need to be afraid,’ I said, meeting his troubled gaze. ‘I know there’s still a weakness in your chest. You can’t work, Jon, but we’ve talked this over. You don’t need a job.’
‘Because my wife keeps me?’ He frowned, and I sensed his pride was bruised.
‘I’ve been lucky,’ I said. ‘Things have worked out with the shops. Besides, you can help me with the accounts if you feel like it.’
‘You don’t need my help,’ he replied, frowning. ‘I thought I might try to write, Emma. I may not be any good but …’
‘Write?’ I was surprised and pleased as I realized he was serious. ‘You haven’t mentioned this before. What will you write – poems?’
‘I’ve written a few,’ he admitted, ‘but I’m thinking of trying a play. Actually, I wrote something for the radio. Just a little story, but they’re going to read it on air …’
‘That’s wonderful, Jon.’ I turned to kiss his cheek, but his arms went round me, embracing me. His lips were on mine, soft and tender, but also with a hint of intent. As I gazed into his eyes, I knew Jon had turned a corner in his mind. He meant to live as normal a life as possible. ‘I’m so pleased, my darling.’
‘They’ve asked me to go for an interview,’ Jon said. ‘They want to discuss some ideas I put forward. I wrote to them from the hospital, so they will be expecting me to look a bit odd. It won’t shock them too much.’
‘You don’t look odd.’ I reached out to touch his scars, which were shiny and smooth to the touch, but had long since ceased to give him pain. ‘Your face just looks lived in, Jon.’
‘Slightly battered and worse for wear,’ he said and laughed. He had come to terms with his appearance long ago. ‘It doesn’t worry me, Emma. You’ve gone on loving me, and that’s all that matters. I’m so much luckier than some of the others …’
I saw the reflection of pain and sadness in his eyes, and I felt the guilt strike me. How could I have allowed myself to think of Jack again when I knew how much Jon needed me?
‘I’m lucky to have you home,’ I said. ‘I’ve got some news for you, darling. I’ve been thinking of taking a house in Cornwall for a few weeks during this summer. We could all go down as a family – and we might think of having a look round while we’re there. We could buy a house in the area …’
‘I thought you wanted somewhere nearer London?’
‘Well, yes, if we were going to live there all the time. I was thinking more of holidays. And it would be nice for you if you wanted some peace … somewhere to write. You will need to be in town when you’re meeting people, won’t you? So it makes sense to stay where we are for the moment – doesn’t it?’
I hoped so much he would agree – but was I asking for too much?
Jon nodded, a thoughtful expression in his eyes. ‘Yes, it might be a good idea. Let’s think about it for a while, Emma. I’m in no hurry to make changes at the moment. I’m just looking forward to being with you and the children.’