by Rosie Clarke
How that must have hurt his pride. He had wanted to give me something in return. He had given me freedom, but he hadn’t been strong enough to let me go completely. He was prepared to let me go to Jack, knowing that I would not leave him, but he could not find the resolution to divorce me. And so he had given me something more …
The tears ran down my face as I watched his struggle for breath. He was much quieter now, but I knew he was dying. I bent to kiss his lips once more.
‘I love you, Jon. It doesn’t matter about what you did. I’m with you now. I shall stay while you need me.’
His eyelashes flickered. Perhaps he understood. I would never know.
I told Sol not to come down for the funeral.
‘I’m going to stay for a few days,’ I said. ‘Mum is here. I’m all right. You needn’t worry.’
‘I’m here if you want me, Emma.’
‘Yes, I know that,’ I said. ‘I’m so grateful to you for being you, Sol.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Nothing sensible …’ I gave a choking laugh. ‘I’ll be home soon.’
‘Take care of yourself, Emma – and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.’
‘That gives me plenty of scope then,’ I said. ‘I can’t talk any longer, Sol. Or I shall cry …’
I was already crying when I put the receiver down. Mum was standing behind me when I turned. She came to me then and caught me in her arms, hugging me until the tears ceased.
‘It’s all right, love,’ she said. ‘You did all you could. I know that now. I’m sorry … sorry I didn’t understand.’
‘You were right. I should have been with him more.’
‘There’s only so much a body and soul can stand,’ she said. ‘I expected too much of you – but I didn’t know.’
‘There’s nothing to know …’
‘I’m not a complete fool, Emma. I’ve been blind, but my eyes are open now.’
‘Well, it doesn’t matter now. Jon has gone.’
‘Yes – but we have to go on.’ She looked at me oddly. ‘I don’t like living alone, Emma. Does that offer you made me to come and live with you still stand?’
‘Yes, of course it does, Mum …’ I tried to smile but the tears were falling too fast. ‘Of course it does …’
I found a letter for me amongst Jon’s things. It confirmed all the suspicions his rambling had aroused in my mind.
I read it and then burned it. It was better to leave things the way they were. As far as the police were concerned Philip’s death was a gangland killing, and that was the way it would stay.
Once Jon’s affairs were cleared up, I would go back to London. He had left everything to me. I thought I would sell the house.
It would be too painful to come here again.
I went to visit Sister Jones a few days after Jon’s death. I wanted to make a substantial bequest to the hospital on his behalf. There were men in those wards who would never have the chance to leave, and money could help in some small way to make their lives more comfortable. I believed we owed them that at least.
‘I’m so sorry, Emma,’ Vera said. ‘Of course we always knew it could happen at any time – but he seemed so well when he came down just before last Christmas.’
‘Yes, he was well at Christmas. It seemed to start afterwards … just a chill at first. I didn’t think it was anything serious. Jon said he was fine just a few days before the end …’
‘They all say that,’ Vera replied with a smile. ‘I suppose they’ve had enough of doctors and being sick …’
‘Yes, I expect so.’
‘Well,’ she said, a bracing note in her voice. ‘You did your best, Emma. You must think of the future. No point in regrets.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘There is no point in regrets now …’ But the tears burned at the back of my eyes.
‘Surprise!’ Sheila put her head round the sitting room door. ‘I told Mrs Rowan I would announce myself. I hope that’s all right?’
It was summer again, and the sunshine was playing through the windows, bringing warmth to the room.
‘Sheila!’ I leapt to my feet. ‘It’s wonderful to see you. How are you? When did you arrive – and why?’
‘Such a lot of questions all at once.’ She grinned at me. ‘Todd is going to do another tour here later in the summer. The last one was so successful. He couldn’t get here for another month – but I thought I would come and see you … and Lizzy, of course.’
‘I’m so glad you did!’ I hugged her. ‘I really could do with your help now, Sheila.’
‘Payback time?’ she asked, then laughed. ‘I’m getting so American now. What can I do for you, Emma?’
‘Just being here is enough …’ I hesitated, then, ‘Jon died two months ago … very suddenly.’
‘I’m so sorry, Emma.’ She arched her eyebrows. ‘Or is it a relief?’
‘No, far from it. It just makes me feel worse. Guilt and regrets. I’m free now, but Jack isn’t. He has taken Angie home. She is having his child.’
Sheila pulled a face. ‘I knew he was trouble the moment I saw him in Southend.’
‘No, it isn’t like that,’ I said. ‘He’s doing the right thing, Sheila. We both agreed … there was nothing else he could do. She is delicate. She mustn’t be upset or she might lose the child. Neither of us wanted that.’
She nodded. ‘Well, that’s your business. Sure there’s nothing else I can do for you?’
‘Nothing – unless you know how to make more people come to my shop? I thought trade would have picked up by now … but I think I must be ahead of my time.’
‘What’s that all about?’ she asked, looking interested. ‘Is this the shop you told me about when you wrote – with all the different departments?’
‘Yes. People came for a while, but the sales are dropping again. They don’t seem to realize how much easier it can be to shop when everything is together. Sol says to give it time … but I always was impatient.’
‘Yes, I remember,’ she said and laughed. ‘Well, I shall just have to see what I can do, shan’t I?’
‘What do you mean?’
She shook her head mysteriously. ‘You’ll see, Emma …’
Sheila refused to tell me what she was up to, but a day later I opened my morning papers to see her picture all over the women’s pages of three of them.
‘I came all the way from America to shop here,’ she declared. ‘It is such a wonderful idea. I can’t imagine why no one thought of it before. The clothes are so exciting and new – but much less expensive than haute couture. When I go home, I shall tell all my friends about it.’
She then reeled off a list of famous names, including Rita Hayworth, Betty Grable and Ingrid Bergman.
‘Do you really know them that well?’ I asked when I saw her later. ‘Or is that one of your white lies?’
‘I do actually know a lot of famous people,’ Sheila said. ‘They aren’t exactly friends, but I know them well enough to claim it in the press. Let’s hope it makes an impression.’
‘Well, at least you tried,’ I said, amused by her enterprise. ‘If sales pick up, I shall have to try using publicity again.’
‘I meant what I said, Emma. It really is so exciting and different – and I love the Francine de Paris designs. I’m going to take several of those back with me. I think they would sell back home. I could talk to some people for you – see if there’s any chance of one of the big stores taking them up.’
‘I had thought I would keep them exclusive to us,’ I said, ‘but perhaps it would be a good idea to expand …’ I looked at her and smiled. ‘See what you can do, Sheila. Pick what you want. I’ll give them to you – and a share of the profits if we make any.’
She shook her head. ‘We’re rolling in money, Emma. Todd has just bought me a house of my own in France. What I really want is for you and the children to come and stay in September.’
‘Won’t Todd think it odd if you have Lizzy to stay?’
/> ‘He might if I had her on her own – but he thinks she is your daughter. Well, she is these days – isn’t she?’
‘Yes. I love her as much as if she were,’ I replied. ‘You know we should love to come, Sheila. I was thinking of taking them again later in the year anyway.’
‘That’s settled then,’ she said. ‘No sooner do I think I’ve paid you back, than you go and do something for me again.’
‘We help each other,’ I said. ‘We’re friends, Sheila … I think we always shall be …’
‘For ever and ever?’
‘Well, something like that …’
We looked at each other and smiled.
I knew that I was beginning to get over Jon’s death, and the shock of discovering what he had done. It had left scars, but they would fade over the years.
I was determined to make a success of my shop. I would dedicate my time to making the idea I had thought so brilliant a success despite the initial setback. But I would not forget my friends and family. In future, I would make certain I spent more time with them. I would take the children on more holidays, and keep my weekends free for outings.
My mother was living with us now. We had forgiven each other for all the misunderstandings, and were closer than ever before. She hadn’t even raised her eyebrows when I told her we would be going to France to stay with Sheila in September.
‘If we like it, I might buy a house there one day.’
‘That will be nice, love,’ she said. ‘I suppose I ought to start thinking about getting myself a passport …’
Sol looked at the cheque as I held it out to him.
‘What’s that for, Emma?’
‘It’s the six thousand pounds I owe you. Now that Jon’s house has been sold and probate has been granted, I can pay you back the money you lent me.’
‘There’s no need to do that, Emma …’ He looked uncomfortable. ‘Keep it for a year or two in case you need it.’
‘I would rather you had it now, Sol. I don’t like owing you money for longer than I have to.’
‘You don’t …’ he said. ‘I didn’t lend you the money …’
‘I don’t understand.’ I stared at him. ‘What are you saying?’ Then I frowned as understanding came. ‘I suppose it was Jack? Why didn’t either of you tell me?’
‘Jack wanted it that way.’ Sol sighed. ‘I told him you wouldn’t be pleased when you found out what he had done – but you know Jack. When he makes up his mind, there’s no changing him. He thought you wouldn’t know for years, and by then it wouldn’t have mattered …’
‘What do you mean?’
He crossed over to the wall, moved a picture to reveal a safe beneath. He unlocked it with his key, took out a large brown envelope and handed it to me.
‘It all belongs to you, Emma. There is no loan … Jack gave you the money and the property …’
‘The property?’ I gasped. ‘But that’s impossible … I have a lease. I pay rent.’
‘Which comes to me. I have been investing it for you. I bought some shares in one of Jack’s companies – they have done quite well.’
‘You mean I own the shop … all of it? I could sell it or let it – do whatever I like?’
‘Yes, that’s about it, Emma. It was Jack’s gift to you. Take this upstairs and have a look. I expect there’s a letter inside …’
‘I’ll have something to say to you later!’
‘I expect you will …’ He gave me a rueful smile.
I turned and left the study. I kept staring at the envelope in my hand. Why had Jack done this? He must have known I would never have accepted the loan from him.
I sat on my bed and slit the letter open. Immediately I could see the loan agreement had been torn up. There was what were obviously the deeds to the property – and a letter.
‘My darling Emma.’ It was as if he was speaking to me!
Please don’t be too angry with me. I wanted to cover your lovely body in diamonds, but you wouldn’t let me give you presents. I love you so much. I have to know that you are secure for the future or I can’t bear it. Forgive me and go on loving me as I shall you …
‘Oh, Jack,’ I whispered chokily. ‘Jack … what have you done?’
The tears were trickling down my cheeks as the door opened and then Lizzy came in.
‘Emmie …’ She stopped and stared at me. ‘You’re crying, Emmie. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, darling.’ I brushed the back of my hand over my eyes, then beckoned to her. ‘Emmie is being very silly. Someone has done something very nice for me and it made me cry.’
Lizzy came towards me. She sat on the bed and put her arms around me, laying her head against me.
‘You told me you were sad because your friend went away – is it the same one who has done something nice?’
‘Yes, darling.’
She reached up to touch my cheek. ‘Don’t be sad anymore, Emmie. You still have me and James.’
‘Yes, Lizzy. I still have you and James. I am very lucky.’
‘I shall never leave you.’
I smiled at her. ‘You might one day, darling. When you grow up.’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m going to stay with you for always and always.’
‘Well,’ I said and bent to hug her. ‘We shall just have to see what you think about that when you are sixteen …’
Chapter 11
‘What do you think, Emmie?’ Lizzy twirled in her crisp, striped poplin shirtwaister with its froth of net petticoats swishing beneath the full skirt. ‘Do you like it? I think it’s lovely.’
I smiled fondly at her. James had stopped calling me Mummy during his first year at school. Lizzy was nearly seventeen but she still called me by the baby name of Emmie. She had grown into the dazzlingly beautiful girl we had all expected her to be, her dark hair shaped into a pretty layered cut that looked almost like one of those big curly chrysanthemums.
‘It’s very pretty, Lizzy,’ I told her as she peered at her image in the mirror. ‘I thought it would suit you as soon as I saw it. You will be the belle of the ball on Saturday.’
Sheila’s daughter had always been pretty, but now she was beautiful. Sheila herself had been very attractive, but Lizzy had something very special about her.
Lizzy laughed and shook her head. ‘It’s a Rock and Roll concert, Emmie, not a ball.’
‘Yes, darling, I know. I’m not quite in my dotage yet. I have heard of Tommy Steele and Elvis Presley – though who this group is you are going to see, I’ve no idea.’
‘No one knows them yet,’ Lizzy said, pulling a face at me. ‘But they are going to be famous one day – Terry Moon and the Starmakers. They wear Teddy boy suits – like Bill Haley and the Comets. You must remember them?’
‘I seem to remember you dragged me to see that film last year. What was it called? Rock Around the Clock? It was impossible to hear a word for all the girls screaming. And why some of those audiences had to cause such a fuss in the streets afterwards, I don’t know.’ I smiled at her teasingly. ‘I do hope you won’t be screaming at this Terry Moon, darling? And you won’t be hanging around the stage door afterwards?’
‘I shan’t have to,’ Lizzy said, a naughty curve about her mouth. ‘Tina and me have been invited to go backstage afterwards. You know I met Terry when we were staying with Sheila in France last year. He entertained at her party. You weren’t with us that holiday, but I showed you the photographs James took. Terry is really good. I know his band is going to make it to the top one day. Todd said he thought the group had promise. He said he might give them a spot in his show next time he comes to London.’
I nodded, frowning slightly as I recalled something about that holiday. Lizzy and James had gone to stay with Sheila at her villa in the South of France without me. She’d invited us all, but Mum had been very ill. After years of suffering unexplained bouts of fatigue, the doctors had finally told us she had a weak heart and ought to rest more often. I hadn’t wanted to leave her, an
d though she had recovered she was still not really well.
It was sad. She was only in her mid fifties, two years younger than Gwen, who was still running the shops in March and showing no sign of wanting to give up – though Madge Henty had retired at the end of last summer. But of course, my mother had never been really strong, and sometimes now when I saw how tired she was, I worried about her.
I looked at Lizzy, making myself concentrate on what she was saying. ‘Well, as long as James is there tomorrow, to take care of you and your friend.’
Lizzy pulled a face, but didn’t say anything to contradict me. I had been aware of a strained atmosphere between them of late. Lizzy had finally got tired of obeying James’s every whim, and had made a lot of new friends. She enjoyed going to dances, parties and the pictures with her friends, quite a few of whom were boys.
It was hardly surprising that with her remarkable looks Lizzy should find herself the centre of attention. The young men queued up to take her out, and as long as they seemed respectable, I was inclined to let her go. She and her best friend, Tina Browne, were sensible girls, but Tina’s father and I took it in turns to fetch them home. We had agreed on a curfew of eleven o’clock when it was something special like a party or a dance, but in the week they had to be home by ten.
I knew that James was not best pleased by the change in Lizzy. I had noticed some smouldering looks being directed her way since he’d come home from technical college for the summer holidays. He was very possessive of her, and though they had been brought up together there was nothing brotherly in the way he looked at her.
James was eighteen now, and his ambition to make a name for himself as a film director appeared to have waned, though he was still very keen on photography. He was actually a very good photographer and had already had an exhibition of his work at college. He had also won prizes in several competitions – especially after his last trip to visit Jack in New York.
The lighting and symmetry he had achieved had been praised by critics, both here and in America. I knew he was only waiting to finish his education before going to live with Jack. I should miss him very much, but America was not so very far away these days.