I carefully sat down next to him, not wanting to spook him with sudden movements.
“We really have been friends for a long time,” he said. “Our mothers dying the way they did only made us closer. But like brother and sister closer.”
“Does she know about your dad?”
“She knows he’s a dick but I hid the violence from her. I was...”
“Ashamed,” I said.
He looked up, our eyes locking, and he nodded solemnly. “Ashamed.”
I blinked back the spring of tears in my eyes. “So how did you...?”
“Things had been weird with her for a while before her fifteenth birthday and the night of, Elle got drunk for the first time. Wasted. I got her out of a situation with a guy in our class and hid her out in my room while I tried to get her sober.
“She just suddenly started to cry. It wasn’t... She told me she was gay. You have to understand her dad is a major donor to the Republican party—he’s conservative and traditional,” Finn explained. “He campaigned back in 2004 against same-sex marriages and wasn’t happy that Massachusetts was the first state to issue a marriage license for same-sex couples. I mean, he’s not going to react well to Elle’s secret—that’s a given. And he’s Elle’s entire world. She’s terrified of losing him. Of losing another parent. And she’s just plain terrified of being considered different. You’ve seen how much people here care about image. This is a conservative community. But it’s more than that. I mean, most people are more accepting now. They’d probably get over it. I tried to tell her that but there’s something more... something about her mom, I think, and whatever it is has Elle scared of how her dad will react. She’s afraid she’ll lose everything and everyone.”
Well, look at that, I thought. Our circumstances may be different but in a way our motives were the same—we both needed the safety of being popular, being accepted. I had yet another thing in common with Eloise.
“Theo...” I let the words fall away. There was a lot there to suggest Theo would be unhappy to learn Eloise was gay, but I had seen them interact. I could see how much love was there. I had to wonder if he would turn his back on his daughter. I couldn’t see him doing that. But then you just never knew about people. I wondered exactly what had happened with her mom, too. Instead I said, “So you struck a deal?”
Finn nodded. “We pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend until college and that way my dad stays off my back, and no one suspects the truth about Eloise.”
“Wow.”
I didn’t know what else to say.
I think I was shell-shocked.
“She knows how I feel about you. At least...she knows I like you.” He wore a look of apology. “I would never have dreamed that I would betray her... I just... I feel like I’m going crazy. All the lies, all the hiding.” He seemed to plead with me. “Most of the time I feel like I can’t breathe inside my own life. Like I’m just existing. Not with you, though. I feel like I’m breathing fresh, clean air whenever I’m with you. I feel alive.”
Holy... Wow.
Finn turned his hand, sliding his fingers through mine, and then he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it ever so softly.
“I promise that I won’t ever tell anyone. I would never do that to you or Eloise.”
“Thank you,” he said hoarsely.
Warmth moved through me that he believed me without even having to question it.
“So, what—”
The pool house door opened and the light from outside spilled over Eloise’s face as she stepped inside and closed the door.
She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at us. “What are you two doing in here?”
It was the worst time ever for me to lose my natural cool, my ability to pretend, something I had perfected over the years. But lose it I did. I jerked away from Finn so fast I slipped off the couch and narrowly avoided crashing onto the floor when he reached out and caught me. Perched on the couch beside him I knew my behavior screamed, We just got caught doing something we shouldn’t. “Shit,” I muttered, brushing my hair back with a shaking hand as I looked at Eloise for her reaction.
She wobbled in her heels a little, not any more sober than she had been when I’d last seen her. She narrowed her eyes. “Finn?”
Apparently Finn had also lost his ability to fake it. “Elle, I’m...” Guilt shone out of his eyes and, drunk or not, able to see in the dimness of the room or not, Eloise clearly sensed his guilt.
She stumbled back from us, pure fear in her eyes. She shook her head. “Finn?”
Finn stood up, letting go of my hand. “Elle, I’m sorry. It slipped out.”
“Oh God, you didn’t?”
“Eloise.” I stood up now, too. “I won’t tell anyone.”
However, my words didn’t seem to penetrate.
“Oh God.” She raised a shaky hand to her forehead and slumped against the wall. Her back hit the light switch and light flooded the room, making me wince.
Eloise didn’t even notice. She was struggling to breathe and her face had gone unnaturally pale.
“Elle.” Finn rushed toward her but she warded him off with her palm outward.
“I’m going to be sick,” she gasped out before she dashed toward the bathroom.
Finn went to follow but I cut him off, chasing after her.
I just managed to pull her hair out of the way as she slumped over the toilet and began throwing up everything she’d eaten and drunk at the party. Even when there was nothing left she kept making these whimpering, retching sounds that soon turned to full-out sobbing.
Tears burned my eyes. I hated that I was the cause of her pain and fear. “Shh.” I crawled closer, rubbing her back. “Eloise,” I whispered, my voice shaking, “this doesn’t change anything for me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I get you’re scared, okay. I get it. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”
She jerked back to glare up at me. Her face glistened with sweat and she had mascara smudges all around her eyes. “And I’m just supposed to trust you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I don’t.” Sliding away from the toilet, she pressed her back against the bathtub and with a quivering hand she pushed her hair off her face.
Finn stood in the doorway, hovering uncertainly.
The atmosphere was so thick and horrible it reminded me almost of grief. When Anna’s parents had split up a therapist had told her mother that what Anna was going through was a form of grieving. I’d sat with Anna every day after school and she wouldn’t say anything. But the atmosphere said it all. It was heavy and scary, made up of that singular feeling of having lost the innocence of believing in a magical forever, the loss of permanency...of safety.
That’s how it felt in that tiny bathroom, and it was mostly all coming from Eloise.
“We’re going to be family,” I finally murmured.
Her eyes flashed defensive fire. “And?”
“And I would never hurt my family.”
She looked away, her expression clearly saying she didn’t believe me.
“I mean it,” I said, and my jaw clenched against all the emotions threatening to rise up out of me. “I know what it’s like to have someone who is supposed to be family betray me. And I would never, ever betray my family.”
Whatever Eloise heard in my voice made her look straight into my eyes. It was only seconds as she peered into my soul, but it felt like forever. Finally I watched, relieved, as a measure of tension left her. “Promise?” Her lips trembled around the word.
“I promise.”
“Okay.” Her trembling turned to tears and she swiped quickly at them, as if to hide them from me.
“India, can I talk to Eloise alone?”
I nodded at Finn and he held out his hand to help me to my feet. Gra
teful for the help, because there was really no way to get up elegantly in my dress and heels, I took his hand and let him pull me up.
When I looked down at Eloise she was staring at us, a million and one questions in her eyes. I’d leave Finn to answer those. For now, I wanted her to be truly assured I wasn’t going to betray her trust.
“I think it would have to take someone pretty awful and cruel to tell your secret to the world,” I said. “And I may be many things, but I’m not awful and cruel. I’m going back out there, and as far as everyone is concerned, everything is as it always was.”
She nodded, looking like a lost little girl. I found I didn’t like seeing her like that at all. “Okay,” she repeated.
Satisfied she was as close to believing me as possible at this point, I slipped by Finn, squeezing his arm in support as I did, before leaving them alone in the pool house.
Once I stepped outside, I took in a deep, shaky breath.
“Holy crap,” I muttered, staring up at the dark sky above.
Who would have thought I’d travel three thousand miles to a supposedly better life only to find two kids as messed up as me?
I didn’t feel alone anymore at all.
And for their sake...I wish I goddamn did.
CHAPTER 14
Finn: Can we meet tomorrow? You can name the time and place...
India: Okay. 3p.m. Maggie’s Diner. It’s a little place in Waltham.
Finn: I’ll be there.
* * *
I STARED AT the text from Finn for the millionth time. We’d swapped numbers at lunch one day when Gabe had insisted I get everyone’s cell number. It was really just an excuse for Gabe to get my number so he could send me silly Snapchats throughout the day. Although, recently, I was happy to note that he wasn’t sending me nearly so many, seeming focused on Charlotte these days.
This was my first text from Finn.
After I left him and Eloise, I had gone back into the party. Gabe had Charlotte cornered in the nook by the back stairwell, his hands braced on the wall above her head. They had seemed to be in deep discussion and not even aware of anyone else.
Bryce and Joshua had stopped me, though, asking curiously where Elle and Finn had gone. I made this “ugh” face and told them I’d accidentally walked in on them in the pool house together when I was looking for somewhere to get a breather.
Bryce had clapped her hands together like it was the juiciest thing she’d heard and I felt a moment of relief that Eloise’s secret was safer than ever.
When Finn did appear again at the party it was alone, and he told everyone that he’d put Eloise to bed because she’d had too much to drink.
“Oh, sure,” Bryce had teased, “after you two had fun in the pool house.”
Finn had shot me a questioning look.
“What?” I’d shrugged with an air of casualness I didn’t feel. “I just told them I found you two going at it out there. If you’d wanted it to be a secret I assume you wouldn’t have chosen a semipublic place.”
Grateful appreciation had lit his eyes and he’d smirked. “Not your business.”
I’d rolled my eyes, keeping up the pretense. “Lock the door next time.”
An hour or so later the party began to disperse. Finn left with the others before we could get a chance to grab a private moment together. When I finally dropped down on my bed, though, I found the text from him.
Now my alarm clock only read 5:43 a.m.
I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink thinking about Eloise. Thinking about Finn. My head hurt from all the thoughts crashing into one another up there. My stomach felt that queasy, empty way it did when I’d had little sleep, and that feeling was only compounded by my nerves.
I wanted to see Finn. I wanted to know what this all meant.
But more than that I really wanted to talk to Eloise. This was too big to just leave it hanging. We may not be close but that didn’t mean I wasn’t worried about her. I needed to know for certain she trusted I’d keep her secret. I didn’t want her agonizing over the concern that I might out her.
A sound in the distance drew me up from my pillow. It sounded like a door closing. Throwing myself out of bed I hurried over to my French doors and pulled the curtains aside.
My stomach fluttered with those aforementioned nerves at the sight of Eloise strolling by the pool. She had on jeans and a Tobias Rochester hoodie. A very casual look for her. I watched her as she disappeared into the tennis court.
I glanced back at the clock. Obviously she was finding it hard to sleep, too.
Well...if we were both up...
I dashed into my walk-in and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans and sweater I could find. After brushing my teeth, I threw on a pair of sneakers and hurried out of the house into the chill morning air.
I found Eloise sitting crossed-legged in the middle of the court. She startled at the sound of footsteps and her head whipped around.
Her pale skin looked stark in contrast to her deep auburn hair and she had dark circles under her eyes. It was the least put together I’d ever seen her and it was no wonder. I’d bet she was suffering a mad case of hangover blues.
Oh and of course there was the small matter that someone she barely knew had found out her deepest secret.
“What are you doing here?” she said wearily.
“I couldn’t sleep.” I sat down next to her, my legs stretched out, ankles crossed, my hands braced behind me. I hoped by appearing casual I could ease some of the tension between us. “Saw you come out here.”
“I came out here to be alone.”
“Okay. But I’m here now. You could talk to me.”
Eloise scowled at me. “What do you want from me? To hold this over my head as blackmail?”
I flinched at the suggestion. “Maybe you’ve been living in your world for too long.”
“Or maybe I just understand people and their motivations. I’m not stupid, India. I know all you want is to be popular and accepted. I know ambition when I see it, which is why you are the last person I’d ever want to find out about this.” Her lower lip trembled and she bit it to stop it.
“You’re right,” I said. “I want to be popular and accepted. I was the most popular girl in junior year back in California. I liked it. Life was better when I was popular.”
She narrowed her eyes on me. “Life was better? What does that mean? Has it got something to do with why you don’t call Hayley ‘Mom’?”
I let go of a long, shaky exhale. “You’re not the only one with secrets. I went through something a few years ago. My dad...he wasn’t a good man. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Oh.” Some of her defensiveness melted into uncertainty. “I’m sorry.”
“It happens, right?” I shrugged it off with more nonchalance than I ever felt about it. “It made me stronger, though. It made me determined.”
“To be popular?” Eloise studied me carefully. “Because you think no one can hurt you when you’re at the top. You’re in control there. You’ve got power. You have people to notice if something were to happen to you.”
I flushed, embarrassed. Because she was partly right. “Yeah, that’s why.”
She kept staring at me, as if now that she’d uncovered some truth from me she was looking for more.
“I would never trample over someone else to be popular again. I am many things but malicious is not one of them,” I said.
We were quiet awhile until I felt brave enough to ask, “Why are you afraid to tell people the truth?”
Her hazel eyes seared into mine at my question, and I was sure she wasn’t going to answer. Instead she glanced around us and then stood up slowly. “Not here.”
“Pool house?” Relief that she was willing to talk to me moved through me.
; She nodded, and I stood up to follow her. The pool house was still unlocked, so we slipped inside. I turned on a few lights and wandered into the kitchen. “Tea? Coffee?”
“There should be some green tea in there.”
I busied myself making us tea, glancing over my shoulder now and then to make sure she was still sitting on the couch. She sat staring at her hands.
“I wish I could say something that would reassure you that you can trust me.” I handed her a tea and sat down on the chair across from her.
Her hands hugged the mug I’d given her.
I waited.
And waited.
Finally Eloise looked over at me, fresh tears in her eyes. “Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy.”
I hoped she read my compassion as that and not as pity.
She seemed to because she continued. “I didn’t know what I was going to do today. Ignore you. Talk to you. Hate you.” She offered an apologetic smile. “But I guess I’m just so tired of pretending.”
“I know you probably don’t believe me, but I understand that part more than you know.”
“No, I believe you, India. I always saw something in you... I was just reading it wrong. Now I know.” She shrugged. “You’re damaged, too.”
I winced. “That’s not a great word.”
“But it’s true.”
“Why are you damaged, Eloise? Why do you need to be? Why are you afraid to tell people the truth?”
“You know I was thirteen when I lost my mother?”
“Yeah.”
“That damages you, India. Losing someone you love that much. Their loss leaves behind a wreckage. And my mom and I were close. I knew I was lucky. My parents really loved one another. I never thought Daddy would get over losing her.” She relaxed back into her seat, staring off into space as she remembered. “For me it was different. I remember the pain of losing her and what it was like to suddenly realize that everything was temporary. The older I get, the more cheated I feel. Other kids my age...they didn’t know what it was like to grieve. To feel pain like that. To look around at people your own age and not understand them because what they think is important seems so trivial and stupid in comparison to what I know is important.
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