The Walls of Troy
Page 21
I was sure that was coming too. For now, all I knew was I couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t Troy.
Thank God it was the weekend now, so maybe I could spend a little time clearing my damned head, but I wasn’t all that optimistic about succeeding.
This was insane. I shouldn’t have been hung up on him like this, but goddammit, I was. We hadn’t known each other that long, but I already couldn’t tell the difference between my need to protect the man I’d been assigned to guard, and my need to protect the one I was quickly falling for. Being this far away from him was better for his safety, but it was killing me. And it shouldn’t have been. Because I barely knew him.
Except I knew the deep, dark things he didn’t want anyone else to know. He’d confessed to me about Ben. He’d let me see behind the veil. Hell, I’d told him about my ex-wife and the cheating ex-boyfriend who’d threatened to out me, and it had taken me ages to open up to my last boyfriend about either of them.
This was definitely the best thing, us being apart like this, because we’d gotten in way too deep, way too fast. It was a recipe for disaster even without a stalker in play. And the stalker was probably why we’d jumped in over our heads to begin with. Tense situations made emotions run high. That was why it never surprised me when a new couple emerged from a high-stress combat deployment—it was insanely easy to fall in love with someone when you had a sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Knowing you could lose someone in a heartbeat made it a lot easier, for better or worse, to fall hard and fast for that person.
And I had fallen. He was too young and in too much danger, and we hadn’t known each other nearly long enough, but…
But I had.
Sinking onto my couch, I closed my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck with both hands. Just the thought of him made my chest ache. I felt guilty for, well, everything. I was scared to death something was going to happen to him, and if it did, it’d be my fucking fault, either because I wasn’t with him now or because I had been with him and set off his crazy ex. I wanted—needed—to protect him, and it was killing me to know that the only way I could do that was to stay as far away from him as possible.
The buzzer by my door went off and startled the fuck out of me.
Christ. Now what?
I pushed myself up off the couch, shuffled to the intercom beside the door, and pressed the button. “Yeah?”
“It’s me.”
The voice stopped my heart.
“Troy?”
“Yeah. Can we talk?”
I gulped. He shouldn’t have been here. This was dangerous. But I couldn’t leave him standing out there where he was vulnerable.
“I’ll be right down.” I grabbed my key off the hook and headed out into the hall. I didn’t know how the hell this might go down or what exactly he’d come to say, but I didn’t like him standing in my apartment parking lot. Not with that crazy jackass out there somewhere.
My mouth went dry as I opened the door. “This is unexpected.”
Troy shifted his weight. “I know. I needed to see you.” He glanced over his shoulder, and my heart lurched into motion again. No matter what bullshit we had between us, I was edgy about him being out in the open like that.
I stood aside and gestured for him to come in. “You came here alone?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you insane?”
“Probably.” He held my gaze without flinching. “But I needed to see you.”
And I was insane if I thought I could send him away, so I motioned for him to follow me upstairs. After I’d keyed us into my apartment, I closed the door, turned the dead bolt, and leaned against it.
“I want you to come back,” he whispered.
“I can’t. There’s no way your dad will let me back on your security detail.”
“I can talk to him.” Troy shifted uncomfortably, making and breaking eye contact a few times. “He’ll—”
“Troy, he knows we slept together. I’m lucky he hasn’t had me keelhauled.” I tilted my head back against the door and sighed. “Putting me back on your security detail? No way.” I closed my eyes and swallowed. “And we both know I shouldn’t be guarding you. I shouldn’t be anywhere near you.”
“I feel safer with you than I do with anyone else.”
I opened my eyes and met his. “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re safer anywhere but with me.”
“What am I supposed to do?” He threw up his hands. “Isolate myself from anyone until Ben gets bored and finds someone else to fixate on?” Troy shook his head. “I’ve already tried that. And then you came along, and I…” He winced as he lowered his gaze.
As much as it hurt to be this close to him—hell, in the same room—I touched his shoulder. “Troy…”
He put his hand over mine and met my eyes. “I don’t want to lose you, Iskander.”
My chest ached, and it was all I could do not to pull him into my arms. “I don’t want to lose you either. But I can’t be the reason someone wants to hurt you.”
“You’re not.” He moistened his lips. “He wants to hurt me because he’s a fucking psycho.”
“And me being with you pisses him off. Until he’s incarcerated somewhere, it’s too damned dangerous.” I exhaled hard, my shoulders sagging. “Troy, it’s not that I don’t want you. It’s the complete opposite. I want you so bad it hurts like hell to be away from you.” My throat ached, and my voice tried to crack with every word. “But I can’t put you at risk.”
“You’re not. He is.”
“But we both know—”
“I don’t care. I just… I don’t. Maybe it’s fucked up and crazy, but I’d rather be in danger with you than be safe alone.”
“That is fucked up and crazy.” I pushed myself off the door. “As long as that idiot is out there, then—”
“Then we’ll tell my dad.”
I raised my eyebrows. “What?”
“I’ll…fuck, I’ll tell him everything. And then…” His shoulders sank a bit farther. “And then I’ll file the report. And name Ben.”
“But, what about—”
“I don’t care,” he whispered. “I feel safer with you, and I’m tired of letting him run my life, and I—” His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat. “I want to be with you, Iskander.”
That hit me right in the gut. Jesus. Didn’t I feel the same way?
“Think about this. What we’d be getting into. Even if your ex was out of the picture, look at us. I’m…I am not the kind of man you want, Troy.”
“You’re exactly the man I want.”
“I’m older than you. I’m a Navy man. You said yourself you want out of this life, and I’m in it for at least a few more years. Maybe even another fifteen if I aim for thirty.”
“I don’t care.” He shook his head. “I don’t care if you’re older, or more experienced, or if the Navy’s going to send you all over the fucking world. If they do, then I’ll wait here.” He inched closer. “I want to be with you. That’s the bottom line.”
“Do you hear yourself, Troy?” I exhaled.
“I know. I’ve been thinking about all of that nonstop ever since you left. And all the way here this afternoon.” He laughed shyly and let his gaze flick away from mine. “It took me three times as long to get here because I kept changing my mind and turning around.”
“Really?”
He nodded, meeting my eyes again. “Yeah. I’ve thought this through. A lot. I know what I’d be getting into.”
“What about Ben?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. All I can think about is you.”
Goddammit, Troy. You’re making this so fucking hard…
He rubbed a hand over his face, smudging his eyeliner slightly. “If you don’t want this, I’ll understand. But I needed you to know that I do.”<
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It hurt like hell, but I couldn’t resist pulling him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the top of his head. “None of this has to do with me wanting you or not. Because I do. More than I could even tell you.” I stroked his hair and tried to keep my voice even. “But I also don’t want you risking your safety and your father’s career for this.”
“It’s worth it,” he whispered unsteadily. “And, maybe it’s kind of crazy considering the situation, but…”
I tipped his chin up. “What?”
He pulled in a deep breath. “Even knowing Ben is watching me, and that this pisses him off enough to make him dangerous, I’ve…” He swallowed. “When I said I’ve never felt safer than I do with you, I mean…I mean in every way. Like…” He swore under his breath, as if struggling to find the words.
“I always wanted you feel safe with me,” I whispered. “Not just because I was your bodyguard.”
“I know. I do. And…look, I feel safe around Talos because he’ll rip anyone’s throat out who tries to fuck with me. And yeah, with you, it’s kind of the same. Protected, I mean, not like you’re my dog. But with you, it’s more than that.” He stepped back, hugging himself. “My heart doesn’t skip every time you move. When you say something, I believe you.” He met my eyes. “When you leave the room, I’m not afraid you won’t come back.”
I stared at him with wide eyes. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“I…” He took a deep breath. “The thing is, a few weeks after Ben and I started dating, we went on a road trip. Down to Florida.” He hugged himself tighter. “Things were still okay with us at that point. He’d never laid a hand on me, and we hadn’t even had a fight yet. But the whole time…” Troy closed his eyes and swallowed hard, as if forcing back a wave of nausea.
It took everything I had not to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder again. He probably needed it, but touching him now was dangerous. We were both too raw, too eager to jump into anything that didn’t hurt, and even the most platonic touch could be a spark to gasoline.
I hooked my thumbs in my pockets to keep my hands at my sides. “What happened, Troy?”
He shifted as if trying to mask a full body shudder, and met my gaze again. “The whole trip, I was afraid to get out of the car. Whenever we stopped at a rest stop, I was convinced somehow that I’d go in to take a piss, and when I came out, the car would be gone. It was completely irrational, but I was just… I was sure he was going to take off and leave me in the middle of nowhere.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “It was just this gut feeling. And knowing now what he’s really like? I think it was my subconscious telling me to get the fuck away from him.” He laughed bitterly. “Too bad I didn’t listen.” I didn’t know what to say to that, but he beat me to it anyway. “The reason I’m telling you this is I’ve never felt anything like that with you.”
“You shouldn’t feel anything like that with anyone.”
“No, but I did. And after him, I haven’t trusted anyone I didn’t already know.” He rubbed the back of his neck with an unsteady hand. “The thing is, you make me feel safer than anyone else. I like being with you. Sex with you is actually fun. When we’re in bed, I don’t spend the whole damned time waiting for the other shoe to drop.” When he looked in my eyes, his had an extra shine. “Ben has taken enough away from me. I can’t let him take you too.”
My heart dropped into my feet. To hell with dangerous and tempting—I wrapped my arms around him again and held him tight. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
He laughed humorlessly. “It’s kind of ironic to be worried about being hurt with you, when I feel safest with you.” The faint humor evaporated, and he looked in my eyes. “And not being with you hurts like hell.”
God, it hurts me too.
And it was insane that being away from him hurt so much. We hadn’t known each other that long. We barely knew each other at all, if I was honest with myself. But that didn’t change how I felt about him. It didn’t have to make sense to be real, and Jesus, looking in his eyes now, there was no pretending the way I felt about him was anything but real. When professional protectiveness had turned to whatever the hell this was, I didn’t know, but it had.
He met my eyes, and damn if a tear didn’t draw a muddy line over his cheekbone. “The thing is, every guy I’ve ever been with has been amazing until I did something wrong, or as long as I had something he wanted. But you’ve… I mean, right from the start, even when I was being a standoffish dick to you, you’ve always been there.”
“I had to be,” I said. “It’s my job.”
“It’s Fowler’s job too. And Johnson’s. But they never gave a shit about me. Once their shift is over, they’re done. You actually gave a fuck. Right from the start.” His eyebrows rose a little. “Didn’t you?”
“Absolutely. I cared about your safety from the beginning, and the more time I was with you, the more I cared about, well, you.”
“I know,” he whispered. “It was obvious right from the get-go. And when we got involved, I…well, I was scared to death of Ben while I was with him. And I’ve been nervous around guys ever since.” He reached up and touched my face, raising goose bumps all the way down my spine. “But I’ve never felt like that with you.”
“I’d never hurt you.”
“I know.” He ran his thumb along my cheekbone. “A lot of guys say that. Ben said it. You’re the only one I believe.”
Another blow to the chest. “God, Troy. You deserve so much better than assholes like that. And guys like me.”
“What if you’re the guy I want?”
He didn’t give me the chance to respond. His hand slid around to the back of my head, fingertips hissing across the shaved hair, and he stood up on his toes to kiss me.
A million alarm bells went off inside my head. This was such a bad idea. We both knew damn well we couldn’t and shouldn’t, but I couldn’t tell myself I wouldn’t, and I let myself be drawn in. As I wrapped my arms around him and parted my lips to deepen the kiss, something in me…gave. I couldn’t say if it relaxed, or if it broke, or if I’d just completely surrendered because there was no point in fighting how badly I wanted him, but I released a long breath through my nose and held him tighter.
Eventually, he broke the kiss and whispered, “I’m so sorry. For the shit I said.”
“I’m sorry too. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.”
I touched my forehead to his, and the words slipped out before I thought twice: “I love you, Troy.”
His whole body relaxed against me, as if something in him had given like it had in me when he’d kissed me. “I love you too.”
Holding him tighter, I said, “This is so wrong, but I can’t help it.”
“Neither can I. I don’t want to.”
And wasn’t that the truth? I didn’t want to either.
Drawing back, I met his eyes and touched his face. “Do you have anywhere else to be?”
“I don’t care.” He moistened his lips. “I could probably be studying, but I can’t think about anything except this.”
“Neither can I.”
“Then let’s not think.” He took my hands and guided me toward the hall. “We can think after.”
“After?”
Troy grinned.
So did I.
Seconds later, we tumbled onto my bed, fully dressed and fully tangled up in a deep, breathless kiss, with Troy on his back and his hands grasping my shirt, as if he had any reason to worry about me pulling away.
I broke the kiss and buried my face against his neck, and for a long moment, neither of us moved. We just held each other. Even this borderline unbearable hard-on, not to mention his cock against my hip, wasn’t enough to make me pull out of this embrace quite yet.
“I want you so
bad,” he whispered. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“We’re in bed together. I think we’re off to a perfect start.”
“Good point.” He pushed my shirt up and off. “We’re off to a good start, and I don’t want to fucking stop.”
I didn’t answer. I just pressed my lips to his and didn’t fucking stop.
We stripped off our clothes and pulled the sheet up over us, cocooning us together and away from everything else as I completely lost myself in him. No guilt. No shame. Maybe there should have been some, and maybe the fear that we were making a huge, dangerous mistake should’ve been closer to the forefront of my mind, but I couldn’t feel any of it over the relief that his body was against mine. That he was here, and there were two locked doors between us and the rest of the world, and he loved me like I loved him, and somehow that was enough to make everything outside this room unimportant. There were two locked doors between us and the rest of the world.
Even when we just held each other and kissed, we were never still. Our bodies kept slipping into a slow, sensuous motion, moving together as if we were already fucking.
Then Troy pushed me onto my back and straddled me. Goddamn, I loved this—dicks rubbing together, mouths moving together, and both my hands free to touch him all over. It was perfect. Kissing him, touching him, being as close to him as possible.
Almost as close to him as possible.
“Fuck me, Troy,” I blurted out between kisses. “Please. I need…” I need to be closer to you. “Please.”
Troy lifted himself up and reached for my nightstand. “Hands and knees?”
I grinned. “You tell me.”
He arched an eyebrow. “I’m on top, so I call the shots?”
Sliding a hand over his ass cheek, I said, “Well, you know what position you like best. As long as you’re fucking me, I don’t even care.”