He stared at me, bewildered by my tortured expression.
“Do you want to go home?” he said quietly, a different pain than mine saturating his voice.
“No.” I walked forward till I was close beside him, anxious not to waste one second of whatever time I might have with him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice gentle.
“I’m not a good hiker,” I answered dully. “You’ll have to be very patient.”
“I can be patient — if I make a great effort.” He smiled, holding my glance, trying to lift me out of my sudden, unexplained dejection.
I tried to smile back, but the smile was unconvincing. He scrutinized my face.
“I’ll take you home,” he promised. I couldn’t tell if the promise was unconditional, or restricted to an immediate departure. I knew he thought it was fear that upset me, and I was grateful again that I was the one person whose mind he couldn’t hear.
“If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start leading the way,” I said acidly. He frowned at me, struggling to understand my tone and expression.
He gave up after a moment and led the way into the forest.
It wasn’t as hard as I had feared. The way was mostly flat, and he held the damp ferns and webs of moss aside for me. When his straight path took us over fallen trees or boulders, he would help me, lifting me by the elbow, and then releasing me instantly when I was clear. His cold touch on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could somehow hear it.
I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.
For the most part, we walked in silence. Occasionally he would ask a random question that he hadn’t gotten to in the past two days of interrogation. He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a row, I’d given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty woods.
The hike took me most of the morning, but he never showed any sign of impatience. The forest spread out around us in a boundless labyrinth of ancient trees, and I began to be nervous that we would never find our way out again. He was perfectly at ease, comfortable in the green maze, never seeming to feel any doubt about our direction.
After several hours, the light that filtered through the canopy transformed, the murky olive tone shifting to a brighter jade. The day had turned sunny, just as he’d foretold. For the first time since we’d entered the woods, I felt a thrill of excitement — which quickly turned to impatience.
“Are we there yet?” I teased, pretending to scowl.
“Nearly.” He smiled at the change in my mood. “Do you see the brightness ahead?”
I peered into the thick forest. “Um, should I?”
He smirked. “Maybe it’s a bit soon for your eyes.”
“Time to visit the optometrist,” I muttered. His smirk grew more pronounced.
But then, after another hundred yards, I could definitely see a lightening in the trees ahead, a glow that was yellow instead of green. I picked up the pace, my eagerness growing with every step. He let me lead now, following noiselessly.
I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers — violet, yellow, and soft white. Somewhere nearby, I could hear the bubbling music of a stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass, swaying flowers, and warm, gilded air. I halfway turned, wanting to share this with him, but he wasn’t behind me where I thought he’d be. I spun around, searching for him with sudden alarm. Finally I spotted him, still under the dense shade of the canopy at the edge of the hollow, watching me with cautious eyes. Only then did I remember what the beauty of the meadow had driven from my mind — the enigma of Edward and the sun, which he’d promised to illustrate for me today.
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes were wary, reluctant. I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my hand, taking another step back to him. He held up a hand in warning, and I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels.
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun.
13. CONFESSIONS
EDWARD IN THE SUNLIGHT WAS SHOCKING. I COULDN’T get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.
I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn’t quite dry enough for my taste. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled the grass that swayed around his motionless form.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real . . . hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.
“I don’t scare you?” he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice.
“No more than usual.”
He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.
I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn’t escape his notice.
“Do you mind?” I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
“No,” he said without opening his eyes. “You can’t imagine how that feels.” He sighed.
I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow. With my other hand, I reached to turn his hand over. Realizing what I wished, he flipped his palm up in one of those blindingly fast, disconcerting movements of his. It startled me; my fingers froze on his arm for a brief second.
“Sorry,” he murmured. I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close again. “It’s too easy to be myself with you.”
I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun glitter on his palm. I held it closer to my face, trying to see the hidden facets in his skin.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent. “It’s still so strange for me, not knowing.”
“You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time.”
“It’s a hard life.” Did I imagine the hint of regret in his tone? “But you didn’t tell me.”
“I was wishing I could know what you were thinking . . .” I hesitated.
“And?”
“I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn’t afraid.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid.” His voice was just a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn’t truthfully say, that I didn’t need to be afraid, that there was nothing to
fear.
“Well, that’s not exactly the fear I meant, though that’s certainly something to think about.”
So quickly that I missed his movement, he was half sitting, propped up on his right arm, his left palm still in my hands. His angel’s face was only a few inches from mine. I might have — should have — flinched away from his unexpected closeness, but I was unable to move. His golden eyes mesmerized me.
“What are you afraid of, then?” he whispered intently.
But I couldn’t answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling.
And he was gone, his hand ripped from mine. In the time it took my eyes to focus, he was twenty feet away, standing at the edge of the small meadow, in the deep shade of a huge fir tree. He stared at me, his eyes dark in the shadows, his expression unreadable.
I could feel the hurt and shock on my face. My empty hands stung.
“I’m . . . sorry . . . Edward,” I whispered. I knew he could hear.
“Give me a moment,” he called, just loud enough for my less sensitive ears. I sat very still.
After ten incredibly long seconds, he walked back, slowly for him. He stopped, still several feet away, and sank gracefully to the ground, crossing his legs. His eyes never left mine. He took two deep breaths, and then smiled in apology.
“I am so very sorry.” He hesitated. “Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?”
I nodded once, not quite able to smile at his joke. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could smell that from where he sat. His smile turned mocking.
“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!” Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second.
“As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly.
He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow.
And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone.
“As if you could fight me off,” he said gently.
I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I’d never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated façade. He’d never been less human . . . or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.
His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
“Don’t be afraid,” he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive. “I promise . . .” He hesitated. “I swear not to hurt you.” He seemed more concerned with convincing himself than me.
“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered again as he stepped closer, with exaggerated slowness. He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.
“Please forgive me,” he said formally. “I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I’m on my best behavior now.”
He waited, but I still couldn’t speak.
“I’m not thirsty today, honestly.” He winked.
At that I had to laugh, though the sound was shaky and breathless.
“Are you all right?” he asked tenderly, reaching out slowly, carefully, to place his marble hand back in mine.
I looked at his smooth, cold hand, and then at his eyes. They were soft, repentant. I looked back at his hand, and then deliberately returned to tracing the lines in his hand with my fingertip. I looked up and smiled timidly.
His answering smile was dazzling.
“So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?” he asked in the gentle cadences of an earlier century.
“I honestly can’t remember.”
He smiled, but his face was ashamed. “I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well?”
I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth, iridescent palm. The seconds ticked by.
“How easily frustrated I am,” he sighed. I looked into his eyes, abruptly grasping that this was every bit as new to him as it was to me. As many years of unfathomable experience as he had, this was hard for him, too. I took courage from that thought.
“I was afraid . . . because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you. And I’m afraid that I’d like to stay with you, much more than I should.” I looked down at his hands as I spoke. It was difficult for me to say this aloud.
“Yes,” he agreed slowly. “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really not in your best interest.”
I frowned.
“I should have left long ago,” he sighed. “I should leave now. But I don’t know if I can.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
“Which is exactly why I should. But don’t worry. I’m essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should.”
“I’m glad.”
“Don’t be!” He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed.
“It’s not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else.” He stopped, and I looked to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.
I thought for a moment.
“I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway,” I said.
He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again.
“How do I explain?” he mused. “And without frightening you again . . . hmmmm.” Without seeming to think about it, he placed his hand back in mine; I held it tightly in both of mine. He looked at our hands.
“That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth.” He sighed.
A moment passed as he assembled his thoughts.
“You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?” he began. “Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?”
I nodded.
“Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn’t think of another way to explain.”
I smiled. He smiled ruefully back.
“You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let’s say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?”
We sat silently, looking into each other’s eyes — trying to read each other’s thoughts.
He broke the silence first.
“Maybe that’s not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.”
“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. “Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”
“Does that happen often?” I asked.
He looked across the treetops, thinking through his response.
“I spoke to my brothers about it.” He still stared into the distance. “To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He’s the most recent to join our family. It’s a
struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn’t had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor.” He glanced swiftly at me, his expression apologetic.
“Sorry,” he said.
“I don’t mind. Please don’t worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That’s the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can.”
He took a deep breath and gazed at the sky again.
“So Jasper wasn’t sure if he’d ever come across someone who was as” — he hesitated, looking for the right word — “appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other.”
“And for you?”
“Never.”
The word hung there for a moment in the warm breeze.
“What did Emmett do?” I asked to break the silence.
It was the wrong question to ask. His face grew dark, his hand clenched into a fist inside mine. He looked away. I waited, but he wasn’t going to answer.
“I guess I know,” I finally said.
He lifted his eyes; his expression was wistful, pleading.
“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?”
“What are you asking? My permission?” My voice was sharper than I’d intended. I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty must cost him. “I mean, is there no hope, then?” How calmly I could discuss my own death!
“No, no!” He was instantly contrite. “Of course there’s hope! I mean, of course I won’t . . .” He left the sentence hanging. His eyes burned into mine. “It’s different for us. Emmett . . . these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn’t as . . . practiced, as careful, as he is now.”
He fell silent and watched me intently as I thought it through.
“So if we’d met . . . oh, in a dark alley or something . . .” I trailed off.
“It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —” He stopped abruptly, looking away. “When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn’t been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.” He paused, scowling at the trees.
The Twilight Saga Collection Page 21