“Okay.”
I waited in the doorway. Finally, Edward looked over at me with a polite smile. “I’ll be right behind you,” he promised. His eyes strayed back to the TV.
I stared for another minute, shocked. Neither one seemed to notice. I could feel something, panic maybe, building up in my chest. I escaped to the kitchen.
The pizza held no interest for me. I sat in my chair, pulled my knees up, and wrapped my arms around them. Something was very wrong, maybe more wrong than I’d realized. The sounds of male bonding and banter continued from the TV set.
I tried to get control of myself, to reason with myself. What’s the worst that can happen? I flinched. That was definitely the wrong question to ask. I was having a hard time breathing right.
Okay, I thought again, what’s the worst I can live through? I didn’t like that question so much, either. But I thought through the possibilities I’d considered today.
Staying away from Edward’s family. Of course, he wouldn’t expect Alice to be part of that. But if Jasper was off limits, that would lessen the time I could have with her. I nodded to myself—I could live with that.
Or going away. Maybe he wouldn’t want to wait till the end of the school year, maybe it would have to be now.
In front of me, on the table, my presents from Charlie and Renée were where I had left them, the camera I hadn’t had the chance to use at the Cullens’ sitting beside the album. I touched the pretty cover of the scrapbook my mother had given me, and sighed, thinking of Renée. Somehow, living without her for as long as I had did not make the idea of a more permanent separation easier. And Charlie would be left all alone here, abandoned. They would both be so hurt...
But we’d come back, right? We’d visit, of course, wouldn’t we?
I couldn’t be certain about the answer to that.
I leaned my cheek against my knee, staring at the physical tokens of my parents’ love. I’d known this path I’d chosen was going to be hard. And, after all, I was thinking about the worst-case scenario—the very worst I could live through.
I touched the scrapbook again, flipping the front cover over. Little metal corners were already in place to hold the first picture. It wasn’t a half-bad idea, to make some record of my life here. I felt a strange urge to get started. Maybe I didn’t have that long left in Forks.
I toyed with the wrist strap on the camera, wondering about the first picture on the roll. Could it possibly turn out anything close to the original? I doubted it. But he didn’t seem worried that it would be blank. I chuckled to myself, thinking of his carefree laughter last night. The chuckle died away. So much had changed, and so abruptly. It made me feel a little bit dizzy, like I was standing on an edge, a precipice somewhere much too high.
I didn’t want to think about that anymore. I grabbed the camera and headed up the stairs.
My room hadn’t really changed all that much in the seventeen years since my mother had been here. The walls were still light blue, the same yellowed lace curtains hung in front of the window. There was a bed, rather than a crib, but she would recognize the quilt draped untidily over the top—it had been a gift from Gran.
Regardless, I snapped a picture of my room. There wasn’t much else I could do tonight—it was too dark outside—and the feeling was growing stronger, it was almost a compulsion now. I would record everything about Forks before I had to leave it.
Change was coming. I could feel it. It wasn’t a pleasant prospect, not when life was perfect the way it was.
I took my time coming back down the stairs, camera in hand, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach as I thought of the strange distance I didn’t want to see in Edward’s eyes. He would get over this. Probably he was worried that I would be upset when he asked me to leave. I would let him work through it without meddling. And I would be prepared when he asked.
I had the camera ready as I leaned around the corner, being sneaky. I was sure there was no chance that I had caught Edward by surprise, but he didn’t look up. I felt a brief shiver as something icy twisted in my stomach; I ignored that and took the picture.
They both looked at me then. Charlie frowned. Edward’s face was empty, expressionless.
“What are you doing, Bella?” Charlie complained.
“Oh, come on.” I pretended to smile as I went to sit on the floor in front of the sofa where Charlie lounged. “You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I’m using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt.”
“Why are you taking pictures of me, though?” he grumbled.
“Because you’re so handsome,” I replied, keeping it light. “And because, since you bought the camera, you’re obligated to be one of my subjects.”
He mumbled something unintelligible.
“Hey, Edward,” I said with admirable indifference. “Take one of me and my dad together.”
I threw the camera toward him, carefully avoiding his eyes, and knelt beside the arm of the sofa where Charlie’s face was. Charlie sighed.
“You need to smile, Bella,” Edward murmured.
I did my best, and the camera flashed.
“Let me take one of you kids,” Charlie suggested. I knew he was just trying to shift the camera’s focus from himself.
Edward stood and lightly tossed him the camera.
I went to stand beside Edward, and the arrangement felt formal and strange to me. He put one hand lightly on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm more securely around his waist. I wanted to look at his face, but I was afraid to.
“Smile, Bella,” Charlie reminded me again.
I took a deep breath and smiled. The flash blinded me.
“Enough pictures for tonight,” Charlie said then, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. “You don’t have to use the whole roll now.”
Edward dropped his hand from my shoulder and twisted casually out of my arm. He sat back down in the armchair.
I hesitated, and then went to sit against the sofa again. I was suddenly so frightened that my hands were shaking. I pressed them into my stomach to hide them, put my chin on my knees and stared at the TV screen in front of me, seeing nothing.
When the show ended, I hadn’t moved an inch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward stand.
“I’d better get home,” he said.
Charlie didn’t look up from the commercial. “See ya.”
I got awkwardly to my feet—I was stiff from sitting so still—and followed Edward out the front door. He went straight to his car.
“Will you stay?” I asked, no hope in my voice.
I expected his answer, so it didn’t hurt as much.
“Not tonight.”
I didn’t ask for a reason.
He got in his car and drove away while I stood there, unmoving. I barely noticed that it was raining. I waited, without knowing what I waited for, until the door opened behind me.
“Bella, what are you doing?” Charlie asked, surprised to see me standing there alone and dripping.
“Nothing.” I turned and trudged back to the house.
It was a long night, with little in the way of rest.
I got up as soon as there was a faint light outside my window. I dressed for school mechanically, waiting for the clouds to brighten. When I had eaten a bowl of cereal, I decided that it was light enough for pictures. I took one of my truck, and then the front of the house. I turned and snapped a few of the forest by Charlie’s house. Funny how it didn’t seem sinister like it used to. I realized I would miss this—the green, the timelessness, the mystery of the woods. All of it.
I put the camera in my school bag before I left. I tried to concentrate on my new project rather than the fact that Edward apparently hadn’t gotten over things during the night.
Along with the fear, I was beginning to feel impatience. How long could this last?
It lasted through the morning. He walked silently beside me, never seeming to actually look a
t me. I tried to concentrate on my classes, but not even English could hold my attention. Mr. Berty had to repeat his question about Lady Capulet twice before I realized he was talking to me. Edward whispered the correct answer under his breath and then went back to ignoring me.
At lunch, the silence continued. I felt like I was going to start screaming at any moment, so, to distract myself, I leaned across the table’s invisible line and spoke to Jessica.
“Hey, Jess?”
“What’s up, Bella?”
“Could you do me a favor?” I asked, reaching into my bag. “My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?”
I handed her the camera.
“Sure,” she said, grinning, and turned to snap a candid shot of Mike with his mouth full.
A predictable picture war ensued. I watched them hand the camera around the table, giggling and flirting and complaining about being on film. It seemed strangely childish. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for normal human behavior today.
“Uh-oh,” Jessica said apologetically as she returned the camera. “I think we used all your film.”
“That’s okay. I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed.”
After school, Edward walked me back to the parking lot in silence. I had to work again, and for once, I was glad. Time with me obviously wasn’t helping things. Maybe time alone would be better.
I dropped my film off at the Thriftway on my way to Newton’s, and then picked up the developed pictures after work. At home, I said a brief hi to Charlie, grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen, and hurried up to my room with the envelope of photographs tucked under my arm.
I sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope with wary curiosity. Ridiculously, I still half expected the first print to be a blank.
When I pulled it out, I gasped aloud. Edward looked just as beautiful as he did in real life, staring at me out of the picture with the warm eyes I’d missed for the past few days. It was almost uncanny that anyone could look so...so...beyond description. No thousand words could equal this picture.
I flipped through the rest of the stack quickly once, and then laid three of them out on the bed side by side.
The first was the picture of Edward in the kitchen, his warm eyes touched with tolerant amusement. The second was Edward and Charlie, watching ESPN. The difference in Edward’s expression was severe. His eyes were careful here, reserved. Still breathtakingly beautiful, but his face was colder, more like a sculpture, less alive.
The last was the picture of Edward and me standing awkwardly side by side. Edward’s face was the same as the last, cold and statue-like. But that wasn’t the most troubling part of this photograph. The contrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust.
Instead of doing my homework, I stayed up to put my pictures into the album. With a ballpoint pen I scrawled captions under all the pictures, the names and the dates. I got to the picture of Edward and me, and, without looking at it too long, I folded it in half and stuck it under the metal tab, Edward-side up.
When I was done, I stuffed the second set of prints in a fresh envelope and penned a long thank-you letter to Renée.
Edward still hadn’t come over. I didn’t want to admit that he was the reason I’d stayed up so late, but of course he was. I tried to remember the last time he’d stayed away like this, without an excuse, a phone call...He never had.
Again, I didn’t sleep well.
School followed the silent, frustrating, terrifying pattern of the last two days. I felt relief when I saw Edward waiting for me in the parking lot, but it faded quickly. He was no different, unless maybe more remote.
It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. If only Alice would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.
But I couldn’t count on that. I decided that, if I couldn’t talk to him today, really talk, then I was going to see Carlisle tomorrow. I had to do something.
After school, Edward and I were going to talk it out, I promised myself. I wasn’t accepting any excuses.
He walked me to my truck, and I steeled myself to make my demands.
“Do you mind if I come over today?” he asked before we got to the truck, beating me to the punch.
“Of course not.”
“Now?” he asked again, opening my door for me.
“Sure,” I kept my voice even, though I didn’t like the urgency in his tone. “I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I’ll meet you there.”
He looked at the fat envelope on the passenger seat. Suddenly, he reached over me and snagged it.
“I’ll do it,” he said quietly. “And I’ll still beat you there.” He smiled my favorite crooked smile, but it was wrong. It didn’t reach his eyes.
“Okay,” I agreed, unable to smile back. He shut the door, and headed toward his car.
He did beat me home. He was parked in Charlie’s spot when I pulled up in front of the house. That was a bad sign. He didn’t plan to stay, then. I shook my head and took a deep breath, trying to locate some courage.
He got out of his car when I stepped out of the truck, and came to meet me. He reached to take my book bag from me. That was normal. But he shoved it back onto the seat. That was not normal.
“Come for a walk with me,” he suggested in an unemotional voice, taking my hand.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I didn’t like this. This is bad, this is very bad, the voice in my head repeated again and again.
But he didn’t wait for an answer. He pulled me along toward the east side of the yard, where the forest encroached. I followed unwillingly, trying to think through the panic. It was what I wanted, I reminded myself. The chance to talk it all through. So why was the panic choking me?
We’d gone only a few steps into the trees when he stopped. We were barely on the trail—I could still see the house.
Some walk.
Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.
“Okay, let’s talk,” I said. It sounded braver than it felt.
He took a deep breath.
“Bella, we’re leaving.”
I took a deep breath, too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask.
“Why now? Another year—”
“Bella, it’s time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s claiming thirty-three now. We’d have to start over soon regardless.”
His answer confused me. I thought the point of leaving was to let his family live in peace. Why did we have to leave if they were going? I stared at him, trying to understand what he meant.
He stared back coldly.
With a roll of nausea, I realized I’d misunderstood.
“When you say we—,” I whispered.
“I mean my family and myself.” Each word separate and distinct.
I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll come with you.”
“You can’t, Bella. Where we’re going...It’s not the right place for you.”
“Where you are is the right place for me.”
“I’m no good for you, Bella.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. “You’re the very best part of my life.”
“My world is not for you,” he said grimly.
“What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “It was exactly what was to be expected.”
“You pro
mised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—”
“As long as that was best for you,” he interrupted to correct me.
“No! This is about my soul, isn’t it?” I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me—somehow it still sounded like a plea. “Carlisle told me about that, and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you—it’s yours already!”
He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder—like the liquid gold had frozen solid.
“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
“You...don’t...want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
“No.”
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz—hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he’d spoken.
“Well, that changes things.” I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn’t realize what he was telling me. It still didn’t make any sense.
He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. “Of course, I’ll always love you...in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it’s time for a change. Because I’m...tired of pretending to be something I’m not, Bella. I am not human.” He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were not human. “I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.”
“Don’t.” My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. “Don’t do this.”
He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.
“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.
The Twilight Saga Collection Page 44