Thank you for downloading this Simon & Schuster ebook.
Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.
To every single customer service rep employed by Discover Student Loans or Navient, this book is not dedicated to you, but I would like to extend a fuck you to each of you for disturbing me with your calls while I was writing this book.
Had you given me a little peace, you would’ve gotten your money sooner.
With that out of the way, this book is dedicated to my mama. Thank you for making my life so.
It’s expensive to be me.
—Erika Jayne
Throw that money over here, nigga, that’s what it’s for.
—Cardi B
YOU SELF-CENTERED BASTARD
Of course it was an attractive light-skinned Black man who led me to ruin.
Men are generally awful, but there is something unique about this particular genre of bae. I can’t recall his name, but when your face looks like the reason God created sin, does it matter?
I will never forget spotting him in the cafeteria and immediately wanting to venture over his way to listen to whatever it was he had to say. I may have been unwilling at the time to admit the truth about my same-sex attractions out loud, but when temptation is mere feet in front of you with a smile and overall profile that gives “leading man in a 1990s Black romantic comedy” or at least an ill-advised reboot of one, you shimmy your gay ass over and try not to stare too hard.
We were both at James Madison Senior High School’s College Fair, which for all intents and purposes, I, as a student at James Madison Senior High School, was not especially excited about attending. He appeared younger than his recruiting counterparts around us—had to have been in his mid to late twenties. God, I wish Instagram had been around in 2001, so that I had photographic evidence of how he looked.
Back then, I used to describe Madison as the local version of Lean on Me, only our Joe Clark liked to wear cowboy boots and somehow came across even surlier and stricter than the “Crazy Joe” at (Fair) Eastside High that Morgan Freeman played. I remember once showing someone I was communicating with through a message board a picture of my high school.
“Nigga, that looks like a prison!”
Or if one were to be a bit more generous as a result of high school pride, perhaps it resembled a juvenile detention center whose best days may indeed have been well behind it, but at least the people in charge had gone out and bought some paint to try and spruce the place up. (As much sprucing as you could do to an older building surrounded by fencing and large gates.) The original building has since been demolished and a new structure has opened in its place. I drove by it during a work-related trip back to my hometown of Houston, Texas. It now looks like a much fancier private prison, although whoever picked the colors for it does not watch enough Bravo or HGTV.
In a lot of ways, I felt as if we students were treated like prisoners. We had a magnet program for meteorology, which, with all due respect to Al Roker, icon, never made sense to me given that, at an “inner city high school” there weren’t many Black and Latinx teens who thought they could one day tell viewers that Captain Planet was correct and Mother Nature’s revenge was imminent. I was not in the magnet program, but I did take mostly pre-AP courses, and as a result of that, I did have some teachers who pushed me a little harder as a student. Even so, the overall climate of the school felt far stricter than it needed to be, in an effort to corral the “unruly” minority population of largely meager means, who most outsiders assumed had very little to hope for when it came to their futures.
My high school made national headlines in spring 2019 when the principal announced a dress code for parents that many rightly regarded as classist. To any Madison alum of a certain age group, the news was unsettling but not at all surprising. I remember the principal who took the place of Joe Clark’s Cowboy Cousin (after his promotion) attempting to ban the class ahead of mine from wearing braids and locs at commencement. That was ultimately overturned because of pushback from students, but respectability was, as usual, pushed by the repressive.
No matter, though: I’m a proud Marlin. I can be critical because I went there and understand. I can recognize that in the midst of all that, there were good teachers, there were bright minds, and there were plenty of us with loads of potential. More of us just needed convincing of what could be possible, along with access and means to arrive there.
As for the college fair, the obvious colleges were present: the HBCUs Texas Southern University and Prairie View A&M University. Obvious is not used pejoratively. Some of the most brilliant people I have ever met in my life attended or have taught at either school, but in terms of the collective expectations of the student body, they were considered our main, and limited, options.
To be fair, so were some of the other Texas-based schools that seemed to want to court at least two and a half of us to help offset their lily-white campuses. Say, the University of Houston, the University of Texas at Austin, Texas A&M University, and Sam Houston State University. There were people who worked at all these schools actively pushing us to entertain the idea of venturing out, but the army recruiters were getting a big share of the attention all the same.
The very handsome college recruiter I was entranced by was representing Hampton University, a school I had never heard of but had appreciation for based on their blue-and-white aesthetic and choice in spokespeople.
While it was a forgone conclusion at this point that I would be attending college, in hindsight, it was far more of an anomaly for me than I knew at the time. My mom had effectively drilled it into me for as long as I remembered that I was going to college, but this wasn’t really the norm for those that grew up around me or shared my bloodline. Still, I knew my ass was going because I was not going to have that woman choke me out with a rosary until I acted like I had some damn sense.
I dreamed of New York University or Columbia University, but who had money for that? My mother made clear that I would go somewhere, but neither she nor I had entertained the idea that I might attend the kind of school that felt like an unattainable fantasy. My assumption was that I was likely to go to University of Houston, though if I lucked up, maybe I could get scholarship money out of UT Austin and go there instead.
After talking to Recruiter Bae, my feelings changed. He convinced me that if I wanted to attend a prestigious college—private, out of state, even—it was possible, no matter what my surroundings or financial circumstances suggested. When he asked what I wanted to do with my life and I mentioned journalism and television, he boasted about Hampton and some of its alum. While I make no apologies for letting hormones steer me in his direction, he was genuinely inspiring to me, and while some of the schools I’ve attended were met with jeers from others who were from Houston but came from much nicer backgrounds, it’s often been in those settings that someone Black has looked me square in the eye and instilled in me the belief that what seems unattainable is entirely possible.
I recall his fine ass inspiring a lot of others, too. So much so that he became the focus of conversation in some AP class. I remember one of my classmates specifically saying, “All of y’all talking about going to Hampton or whatever are going to be right here with me at TSU or PV.” Not long before the declaration, I recall her wanting to go to Florida A&M University. Not sure what changed her mind—pre
sumably the cost of the school—but her swatting away one of her goals under the pretense of realism had spurred in her the self-appointed task of doing the same to the rest of us. She ended up being correct about where most ended up, but I took what Recruiter Bae had to say to heart and tried to make a miracle happen.
It was the first semester of my senior year, so there wasn’t a lot of time to figure a lot of this out. I did apply to several schools out of state and ended up deciding to attend Howard University in Washington, D.C. For me, once I got to see the kind of people who’d gone there—including Houston natives Debbie Allen and Phylicia Rashad—it felt like the best place for me to be. Best because it felt not only the most reasonable choice, but the most viable. I knew someone who had grown up around the corner from me and had gone to one of those fancy New York schools, and who left a year after because of the enormous tuition bill. (He married rich; he’s fine.) I didn’t want that to happen to me, and to be honest, I couldn’t even afford these well-to-do Black-ass schools, so why in the hell was I going to try to go to one of those?
To try and pay for Howard, I applied to as many scholarships as I could find. I wound up winning seventeen in a single semester. I have thought a lot about what my life would have been like if someone had convinced me that I could leave the state of Texas for college sooner. I could have amassed a lot more in scholarship money if I had been convinced a year prior to allow myself to dream a bit bigger. I have also thought a lot about what my life would have been like if I had even accepted being gay before I left for college.
I won one of my closest friends a $10,000 scholarship by writing her essay. I know this because they told her that her remarkably well-written entry was what won them over. That should have been me! But because I had a thing for suppression and stubbornness, I did not pursue queer-centered scholarships and wound up turning to Citibank to cover the rest.
My mama was never into this idea. In fact, I remember once being excited about an acceptance letter from another school and watching her burst into rage. She was in the kitchen while I excitedly shared the news. Then she just got quiet. Finally, she slammed the kitchen cabinet and let out what she had appeared to be holding in for quite some time.
You self-centered bastard.
She didn’t apologize for that comment until about two years after that, when I brought it up in conversation in the car, but even if hearing my own mom say such a thing to me stung, I did try to consider the source of her anger. We didn’t have the money for any of these schools I was considering. Who was I to know this and pursue them so vehemently anyway? How did I not consider how that might impact others around me—namely her? I didn’t think I was being selfish, but I understand now why I came across that way.
I didn’t want to be stuck in Houston. I didn’t want to delay my dreams, because I worried that if I did, they might never come true. I felt like I was raised by two people who had had their dreams stripped from them. I grew up around people who didn’t appear to have ever even had the chance to dream. I was Black, from Hiram Clarke, and didn’t know any damn body with even a molecule of the level of access needed to have some sustainable career in media and television.
I dreamed for it anyway, and much of the gumption to do so was rooted in my mom’s encouragement—no matter our disagreement on how to go about it. Even if she disagreed with me, she supported me, and that says everything about her. But what was never said between us in those moments was another truth about why I was so desperate to get out: I didn’t want to be stuck in a violent home that made me want to die, more than I ever admitted to anyone else in that house. I needed to get out for not only my dreams, but my sanity. Howard University felt like my best bet to do both.
I took out about $10,000 in loans for the first year, but it soon became clear that I’d need much more to keep studying at Howard and living in Washington until graduation. So I took out more. I struggled a lot in college and ended up losing a few of those scholarships. Midway through my time at Howard, I decided that it might be in my best interest to go back home and figure out another plan. Part of that plan included me transferring to the University of Houston.
I got accepted and planned to start my junior year there; however, one trip back home during Spring Break of my sophomore year showed me that while I wasn’t my happiest yet at Howard, I for damn sure wouldn’t be happy back in Houston. My dad was drunk, argumentative, and ultimately, violent. By now I was on the verge of turning twenty, and sure, I used to help fight off my dad on my mom as a child, but I was a young man now, full of untreated rage and in the vicinity of its root. I could not be there. I might have literally tried finally to kill him.
I stayed at Howard and took on more debt. It got better because I had come out, but a reality check of the consequences of my choices was looming. It took mere weeks after my college graduation to get it.
After I received my diploma, I immediately owed almost $800 a month in private loans, with twelve years to pay it off. That’s not counting the few hundred dollars I still pay each month in federal loans. Fortunately, the government gave me more than twice the time to cough it up. Then again, they tack on a lot of interest, so fuck them, too.
Usually when someone attempts to discuss their student loan debt, their judgment is questioned.
How could I not have understood the financial commitment I was making? And if I’m so far in debt now, why am I writing this and not pursuing a more lucrative career as a doctor or lawyer—or, as one relative put it bluntly, “When are you going to work in a building?”
Know that if you are the type of person who asks these questions, I’ve got the gift of silence ready for you as soon as you send me an address.
I’m not dismissing my responsibility for this. But along with many other seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds, when I went to college I didn’t know anything about student loans, interest rates, or rude private debt companies that hound the living hell out of you. All I knew was what I was told: College was the ticket to social mobility, and good students deserved to go to schools that matched their talent and ambition. Folks like me, who come from working-class backgrounds, were told to chase down a bachelor’s degree by any means necessary. And then consider more. But no one mentioned just how expensive and soul-crushing the debt would be.
Still, I get it. I made the decision to take out loans. The voices in my head don’t let me forget that. If they did, the people who call me in the wee hours on Sunday morning hoping to collect my outstanding balance in one lump sum will remind me, with great displeasure.
At my graduation, which took place on a beautiful day in May 2007, my commencement speaker and the best example of the intersection of auntie and deity to ever exist, Oprah Winfrey, spoke passionately on the toxicity of fear. “Don’t be afraid,” she told us. “All you have to know is who you are. Because there is no such thing as failure.” I felt invigorated by her remarks when she delivered them. As I told everyone, while she delivered her remarks just being in Oprah’s presence probably raised my credit score.
But once I got that congratulatory letter from Citibank, stating the terms of my debt and repayment, and understood it to be the financial equivalent of a backhanded compliment along with a dire warning not to play with them, panic took over. As the bank explained, my loan repayment plan only allowed two instances of six-month deferments. That was it. No more. In other words: I’d better run the bank its money or else.
I know it’s blasphemous if not cosmically dangerous to ignore Oprah’s wise words, but this was terrifying. I have lived in fear ever since. The greatest fear—the one that has controlled so many of my decisions—is that one day I may fall too far behind on payments, so much so that I will default on my loans, destroy my financial well-being, and take my mother down with me. That fear has given way to anxiety and depression—some periods more debilitating than others.
A couple years after that letter informed me of the grave mistake I had made—after I turned down an ideal first j
ob for me because it wasn’t going to allow me to live and pay my loans, after I moved back home and took whatever freelance jobs I could get to pay the bills and at least allow me to keep thinking everything I had done wasn’t in vain, and after I moved to Los Angeles, where I once again had to turn down some opportunities in favor of the ones that allowed me to make as much money as possible to stay on top of those loans—I was driving around LA in a state of equal parts fury and despair. I called my cousin to tell her how sick of it all I was, that I was tired and couldn’t take it anymore.
Then I turned off my phone. I needed silence. When I turned it on again a few hours later, I was greeted with frantic voicemail messages—back then, most people still checked those—including several from my mother. We had already had a difficult call the year prior, when I had that Hepatitis C scare that turned out to be a false alarm and a needless new example of how racism makes everything—including seeking competent medical attention—worse. Likely recalling the level of stress and angst in my voice at the time, though, she was terrified of what I might have done.
My brother also left a voicemail, trying to explain in his way why suicide was not the right option. He categorized suicide the way many do—as a cowardly act—and spoke exactly as a nigga from Houston would. I love him so much, but I didn’t need to hear that shit. I called my mom back first, obviously.
“Ma’am, I had no intention of killing myself,” I said. “I would never do that to you, because you’d still be on the hook for these loans.”
There’s no relief for my wallet or my self-esteem. Every time I fork over another payment, I think about all of the other ways I could have financed my education. Why didn’t I take more part-time jobs? I was in Washington—why didn’t I try to date some closeted politician and be his well-compensated secret? Or spend more time at the campus gym and land a job stripping? I could have paid for classes in cash!
I Don't Want to Die Poor Page 1