by Marie Savage
I hope like hell she finds a job soon. I don’t know how much more of her I can stand. Defeated, I shut the truck off and welcome the brisk night air. The weather matches my mood—cold, dark, and dreary, with no sign of a bright sunny day in the future. I’m actually more depressed now than when I was living on the streets. If things don’t get better soon, I might even see about re-enlisting in the Marines. At least then I would have a more stable income for my son, and I wouldn’t have to see Renee, but the downside is I would miss even more time with Dustin.
I step inside the apartment to find Renee on the couch watching some stupid reality show she likes and my apartment a mess. There is an empty pizza box on the coffee table, soda cans everywhere you turn, toys scattered on the floor, and my son nowhere in sight.
“What the fuck, Renee? It looks like a tornado came through here,” I exclaim as I fight back the urge to yell at her. My first day away from the apartment and she has wrecked the place.
“I’ll clean up as soon as my show is over,” she announces as she tries to hush me, turning the TV volume up.
“Where’s Dustin?” I demand.
“Asleep,” she says as she tries to ignore me and concentrate on the TV.
“For how long?” I push, not giving a damn about her show.
“I don’t know. Do I look like a damn clock? A few hours, I guess.” She finally looks over at me.
“Damn it, Renee! If you let him nap that long, he won’t sleep good tonight. We need to keep him on a routine.” I remind her.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my son,” she shouts as I go in and check on Dustin.
He’s in his bed, looking like he is in a sugar coma with some kind of sticky shit all over his face and shirt. I softy wake him and lift him in my arms as I gather some clean pajamas and a towel for a much-needed bath.
“Correction—our son,” I scold her as I step into the room and make my way to the bathroom.
As I am drawing him a bath and stripping the sticky clothes off of him, Renee shows up and stands in the doorway.
“I was going to do that in a few minutes. You didn’t give me a chance,” she snaps.
“Oh, my bad. I didn’t want to disturb you and your important garbage show. No worries, I’ve worked all day, but I got this,” I reply.
“Why do you always have to be an asshole?” she says as she makes no attempt to control her potty mouth in front of our son.
“You know, if you continue to cuss in front of him, he will eventually pick up the words,” I say as I place him in the warm bath and hand him a few of his favorite bath toys. I refuse to say anything else to her as she continues to stand there. She wants a fight; I know her well enough to know the signs. She likes conflict and drama, but I’m in no mood for it. I tend to Dustin and she finally walks away.
After giving Dustin his bath, I dress him in his pajamas and walk out to the living room with him. Renee still makes no attempt to clean up as she sits there and glares at me. “Has he eaten anything other than whatever junk you gave him last?”
“He had pizza; he’s fine.”
“Is it too much to ask that you feed him something healthy once in a while? Every time I turn around, you are giving him sweets or junk. It’s not good for him, Renee.”
“I give him what he likes.”
I look around the room, biting my tongue as I hold my precious son. He deserves better than this. In just a matter of a few days, Renee has managed to turn my apartment into a pigsty. Is this how she treated our home when I was overseas? I wonder.
“Another thing … while you are here, I expect you to pick up the place.”
“So, you want me to be your maid or something?” She chuckles.
“I will clean up after myself. I expect you to do the same.”
“You have no idea, Mr. Know-it-all. Kids make messes. Most of this is Dustin.”
“Yeah, Renee, and he is two years old. You are supposed to pick up after him.”
“Fine, you want me to clean up, I’ll clean up,” she says as she jumps up and starts cleaning.
“It’s his actual bedtime now. I’m going to put him down, and hopefully he will sleep.”
“Oh, about that. We are going to have to make other sleeping arrangements,” she announces.
“Say what?” I say to her as I pause in the doorway.
“I can’t sleep in the bed with him. He tosses and turns and kicks in his sleep. Besides, that bed is too small.”
“There’s always the floor,” I suggest, just to be an asshole.
“Are you suggesting he sleeps on the floor?” she asks, shocked.
“No, I was talking about you.”
“You can be such a dick,” she says.
“Language,” I remind her once again. “What do you want to do, Renee?”
“You have a big bed, Ben. I can sleep on one side. I won’t bother you,” she pleads and tries to lay on the charm.
“No,” I say before stepping into Dustin’s room.
Renee quickly follows. “Ben, I’m sorry, but I’m sleepy. That’s why I have been lying around all day, I swear.”
“You are not sleeping in my bed, Renee,” I say to her again as I lay Dustin down and cover him up. He closes his eyes immediately.
“I need rest, Ben. How can I look for a job when I look like this? Just for a few nights, at least,” she whispers as we step out of the room.
Once again, I am falling into her trap. I need her to get a job so she can move the fuck out. “Fine, you can sleep in my bed.” I finally give in. I’m too exhausted to argue with her anymore.
“Thank you. I promise I won’t disturb you.” She smiles, knowing she has won this round.
“I know you won’t.” I grin at her, ready to aim one last insult to her ego.
“Huh?” she asks, looking at me confused.
“I’ll be sleeping on the couch,” I say before stepping away. I notice her jaw drop and she doesn’t say a word as I grab a pillow and blanket from my room and head for the living room.
Chapter 3
Julie
I am at my OB-GYN appointment, sitting in Dr. White’s waiting room, and filling out the stack of new patient forms the receptionist handed me when I signed in. I try not to think about how scared I am or about yesterday. I accepted the fact last night that I’ll be raising this baby alone.
Speaking of alone, I glance up and look around the room. I expect to see other single pregnant women like me, since it’s very common now, but I don’t. Instead, I see couples sitting happily as they visit the doctor together. I’m the odd one, the alone one.
Alone is something you would think I should be used to by now.
On the paperwork, it asks me to list a contact in case of an emergency. My first instinct is to put Carl. He has been here for me all these years after Aunt Gina died. He is the only family I have now.
But I’m here for the baby, Ben’s baby—the baby growing each day inside me. It is only right that the father will be the one notified if something happens to me. If I died, who would care for the baby? It has to be Ben. I could never deny him that completely, so I fill out his name as the father, and to save my embarrassment, I list us as being married. After all, if I hadn’t gone and messed up my relationship with Ben, we could have easily been married now.
“Mrs. Walsh?” The nurse calls me in and I follow her to the next room. She checks my weight and takes my paperwork from me while handing me a cup. “I need a urine sample for the test. You can use this restroom and just leave the cup in the little window in there. When you’re done, go to room four.”
Peeing in a cup is probably the easiest thing I have had to do so far. After taking care of business, I head to the indicated examination room. It’s painted very sweet with soft pink walls and pictures of infants and mothers. If I stay in this room, is it a sign that I will have a girl? I wonder. I wouldn’t mind a girl, someone I can dress up, buy baby dolls for, and have mother-daughter talks with. I missed that when Mom
died. It would be nice to have that with my own child.
A boy would be nice too. Especially if he grew to be as caring as Ben. I have to stop torturing myself like this. He has made a decision and I have to live with that. I’m the one who screwed up and betrayed him with Tyler. Now, I must pay the price, and that price is not having him in my life. I know I’ll eventually need to tell him, but right now, I just can’t. Not until this pain of rejection goes away.
The nurse comes in and checks my temperature and blood pressure and has me change into a gown. I feel awkward now as I sit on the edge of the exam table. The longer I sit here and wait, the more my anxiety grows.
I’ve only had a female examination once, and Holly made me go. I didn’t feel the need, since at the time, I was a virgin and had no plans of being sexually active. But Holly played the big sister role and said I needed to talk to someone in case I decided differently one day. Ben and I only used protection the first few times and I’m scared I will be lectured on that.
After a soft knock at the door, my doctor comes in. “Mrs. Walsh, my name is Dr. Heather White. How are you today?” she asks as she shakes my hand. She is young; my guess is that she is in her late thirties to early forties. She has her long highlighted hair pulled back in a tight bun, and she has a warm friendly smile that immediately puts me at ease.
“I’m good,” I reply.
“First off, we have confirmed that you are indeed pregnant. Congratulations.” She smiles as the nurse steps into the room to help.
“Thank you,” I respond, trying to smile.
“Do you remember when you had your last menstrual cycle?” she asks, pulling out a little round chart from her coat pocket.
“I don’t remember exactly, but I know it was just before Christmas … maybe around the eighteenth of December.”
“Okay, we will go with that for now. The ultrasound will help determine if we are on track,” she advises as she makes adjustments on the chart.
“Ultrasound?” I ask, wondering if it’s too soon for that.
“Yes, I have one here in the office. I like to get a look to make sure everything is okay,” she says, not batting an eye. “By my calculation, you are looking at a September twenty-fourth due date. So, today being the thirteenth of March, that puts you at about twelve weeks pregnant. How have you been feeling? Any nausea?” she asks.
“At first, yes, but it’s eased off. I’m just tired a lot.”
“It’s common.” She smiles as she makes notes on the computer. “Any health concerns in your family?” she asks.
“No, ma’am.”
“What about your mother’s pregnancies? Did she have any complications?”
“Not that I’m aware of. As far as I know, she was only pregnant once, and that was with me and my brother,” I answer, feeling stupid that I don’t know more about my mother’s health.
“So, you’re a fraternal twin?” Dr. White asks, looking up from her computer.
“Yes, I had a brother,” I confirm, looking down.
“Had? Did he die in the womb or was he stillborn?” she asks.
“Oh, no, nothing like that. He was a Marine. He died in service.”
“I’m so sorry.” She looks over at me. “Do you know if your mother delivered you vaginally or did she have a C-section?”
“I’m pretty sure Aunt Gina said she had a C-section,” I answer, trying to recall Aunt Gina’s stories of my parents. I notice the odd expression on the doctor’s face. “You see, my mom is deceased. She died when I was seven,” I explain.
“Oh, I see. Again, I’m so sorry,” she responds.
“Thanks,” I say, wishing my mom or Aunt Gina were here right now with me. All these questions are making me so uncomfortable.
“Go ahead and lie back,” she instructs as she stands and starts adjusting the table.
She quickly exams me and assures me everything feels normal. She leaves me to get dressed, and then I’m escorted by the nurse to the ultrasound room. The nurse leaves me with the female ultrasound technician. Her name is Sara, according to her name tag, and I note that would be a pretty name if I have a girl.
Sara instructs me to sit up on the exam table and lie back as she prepares me for the ultrasound. “I’m sorry, but this gel is kind of cold,” she informs me.
I nod, hoping to get this over with. I’m not even excited to see the baby now. A part of me wishes they would tell me that I’m not pregnant at all. I’m alone and embarrassed and ready to get the hell out of this office.
Sara starts the ultrasound and is typing away, but then stops, making me look over at her and I wonder if that’s it.
“Don’t be alarmed, but I’m going to go get Dr. White. Just relax and I’ll be right back,” she announces, leaving me alone in the room.
Is something wrong with my baby? She did it so fast that I couldn’t see anything. I start to panic. Oh, God, I didn’t mean it. I want this baby, even if Ben and I don’t get back together.
The technician and Dr. White come in and I’m in tears.
“Is something wrong? Is my baby okay?” I ask as I look at both of them. Why, oh, why did I come alone?
“Don’t be alarmed. Sara just wants me to confirm something.”
“What’s wrong with my baby? Please just tell me.”
“As far as we know, there’s nothing wrong.” Dr. White comes over and takes my hand, giving me comfort.
“What did you see?” I look over at Sara.
“Just relax and we’ll show you.” She smiles at me, not concerned at all.
Sara has me lie back once again and starts rolling the device around my lower abdomen. This time I pay close attention to the monitor, to see if I notice anything alarming. All I see is lots of movement.
Dr. White releases my hand and moves closer to the screen in front of me. “Well, it looks like you’re right, Sara. We have more than one baby here. They look fine so far. I see the heartbeats are good and strong.” Dr. White turns a switch and places another device on my tummy, smiling as she listens to the strange noises.
I listen carefully too and can hear the multiple sounds of heartbeats. “Twins?” I ask incredulously, thanking God that I’m lying down.
“Yes. It looks like they will be identical. It’s still a little early to see the sex, but by your next visit, we might be able to determine that. Both appear healthy. See the heartbeats?” She points to the screen.
“Twins?” I lie back and smile.
I come home in a daze. Twins, I’m having twins. I really need to tell Ben now. I can’t raise two babies alone, can I? I’m going to need his help. My phone starts vibrating, and for a split second, I hope that it’s Ben. I’m so excited I could just say to hell with it and blurt it out. Much to my disappointment, it isn’t Ben. It’s Mike, Holly’s husband, and I see that I have missed several calls from him.
“Mike?” I answer, hoping it isn’t the call that I’ve been expecting anytime now.
“Hey, there you are. I’ve been trying to call you for hours. Are you all right?” he asks.
“I’m sorry, the phone was on vibrate. What’s wrong?” I ask, hearing the strain in his voice.
“Holly’s dad passed away a couple of hours ago,” Mike solemnly says.
“Oh, no,” I moan as I put my hand over my mouth to hold back from crying. I quickly sit down on the couch to avoid falling. Bo, feeling my distress, quickly leaps from his bed to sit next me.
“You okay?” I hear Mike ask.
“Yes. How’s Holly?” I manage to utter.
“She needs you, Jules. Do you think you can come back, just for a few days?” he pleads.
“Yes, of course. I’ll pack a bag right now.”
“You and Bo can come stay with us. I will fix up the spare room.”
“Can I talk to her?” I ask, even though I don’t have any clue what I will say.
“She’s with her mom and family right now, but I will tell her you’re on your way.”
“Thanks, Mike.
Tell her I love her and I will be there soon.”
“Drive safe, and I’ll see you soon,” Mike says before hanging up.
Chapter 4
Ben
I’m headed back to Alabama, and for the first time, not to see Julie, at least not entirely. When Mike called me last night to let me know about Holly’s dad, I was torn over whether I should go or not. Holly’s made it clear to me on several occasions that I’m not her favorite person. Now that I’m no longer with Julie, would I even be welcome?
I decide to go, regardless of what people might think. Mr. Winston was always nice to me, as well as his wife, and I feel I owe it to her to pay my respects. Besides, Renee is getting on my last fucking nerve.
I know exactly what she is trying to do. She is trying desperately to worm her way back into my life and back into my bed. She has the bed part now, but she sleeps in it alone. I will take an empty couch any day rather than ever share a bed with her again. There’s only one woman who I would invite back into my bed, and I hope I get to see her while I’m here.
I’m curious to see if she really is with Tyler. Mike made no mention of it when he called, but of course, I didn’t have the balls to ask either. I want to know, but then I also don’t.
I thought I was doing the right thing when I bailed that morning and didn’t meet with her. I wanted her to take some time and think about what she wanted. There was a reason she turned to that guy Tyler, and I wanted to force her to come to terms with that.
Obviously, she chose him and has moved on. Maybe it wasn’t such a bright idea, after all. I should have fought harder for her. If somehow I’m wrong, and she isn’t with him, I’m going to fight like I have never fought in my life to get her back.