by Alice Rachel
Chapter 14
Chi told me that he still lives with the Wilcoxes and they are part of the Underground. He explained that the Underground isn't a place; it’s a group of people working in secret against what they call “the oppression.” They're working on a project of importance right now, but Chi hasn't told me what it is yet. The Underground has managed to infiltrate the authorities with spies, but each mission is a risk for the entire group. And though rebelling could cost Chi his life, he doesn't seem to care about death.
“Are you not afraid to die?” I ask.
“I've got nothing to lose, Thia. When you've got nothing to lose, you can do anything you want. Death is something you fear when you care, when you might leave people behind. There are horrible things going on out there, and that’s more important than my life.”
Somehow, this bothers me. My heart always races when I meet Chi, as if I were growing wings somehow. They spread on my back as the whole world spins under my feet and I finally take flight. Something’s been trying to pull free inside of me, and Chi has become the breeze of air blowing right through the bars of my claustrophobic prison. He keeps sparking these fireworks inside me, triggering emotions and sensations I never even knew existed. These past two months, he has slowly annihilated the torment inside me—replacing it with peace, his light shining my darkness away—something I only feel in his presence. The thought of losing him makes me feel empty, and the possibility of him being gone scares me.
“I wish we could meet somewhere else, somewhere normal, without hiding,” I say.
“Yeah, me too. I wonder what it’d be like to just hang out with you casually. But I try not to think about things I can’t have. Well...that was until I saw you. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I knew I couldn’t have you, and it was driving me crazy." He breathes deeply and looks straight at me. "It's still driving me crazy.”
I swallow hard. This is the first time that Chi truly acknowledges that he might have feelings for me. At least, that’s what I believe he’s saying. It makes me want to fly right down into the valley and scream for joy.
“Thia..." The look in his eyes intensifies. "This means that I like you—a lot.”
He studies my reaction, and I simply smile, though my entire being has caught on fire. He leans toward me slowly, as if he were expecting me to push him back. When his lips touch mine, they are so soft that it could just be air between us. His hand slides toward the nape of my neck, and Chi pulls me closer to him as he kisses me more deeply. His mouth tastes like spearmint. My heart thunders inside my chest like a storm while his touch electrifies my nerves back to life. When he pulls away, my head feels dizzy with sensations. Chi pushes his forehead to mine and his mouth spreads into a playful grin.
“Now, we truly are in trouble,” he says, and his smile widens, reaching his eyes.
This is the beginning of the end. Enlightenment swallows me as my entire life suddenly shifts under my feet. And just then, I realize I no longer care if I'm in trouble. I don’t care what might happen. I just want him. I know that every second I spend away from Chi is going to hurt and that the longing inside my heart will leave me restless all night and day.
Chi takes my hand in his and interlaces his fingers with mine. My lips rise into a smile. I don’t think I’ve ever beamed and glowed like this in my whole entire life. I’ve never felt this light and carefree before. I’ve never been this happy before. Chi lies down on the grass and I settle next to him. His arms reach for me, pulling me to him as I rest my head on his chest.
He buries his face in my hair and asks, "May I kiss you again?"
My cheeks turn red. I look up at him. "Yes, you may kiss me whenever you want," I reply.
He smiles, pulls my chin toward him, and presses his lips to mine, sweetly. He tastes incredibly good. Our kiss lasts, deepening, and when he pulls away, his eyes shine at me as if he can't quite believe that I let him kiss me again. I close the distance between us and confirm his hopes with one closed-lip peck on his mouth. A mischievous grin shows up on his face as he pulls me tightly against his chest. We remain in each other’s arms and simply revel in the presence of one another, without uttering a single word.
Chapter 15
All day long, I've been thinking about Chi's lips against mine. How soft they felt. How his spearmint scent has grown on me. How different Chi's kiss was from William's. While William is possessive, cold, and calculating, Chi is kind and respectful. His emotions are always clear and transparent. He doesn't feel the need to hide behind a wall. He can be funny and sarcastic. He likes to test my boundaries, constantly teasing me, so much so that it's become a game between us. There's always this fire inside him, a volcanic time-bomb on the verge of explosion. He feels real anger at the way we treat others in our society, and yet his rage is hidden deep inside him, surfacing only sometimes. I've never met anyone so incensed before, so tormented by the injustices of this world.
Most days, the thought of meeting Chi is the only thing preventing me from crashing down and breaking into a million pieces. The time when I'm away from him is long, and the wait is excruciating. I spend every second thinking about him. I have this craving, this need to be with him all the time. Chi makes me want to fly, William makes me want to die, and my heart is caught in between, both elated and in agony.
Spending time with Chi is refreshing; spending time with William is suffocating. Sometimes I wonder how wicked fate can truly be that I have to be with someone I'm growing to hate, someone for whom I am barely human at all, when all I want is to be with somebody who actually sees me, someone courteous and civil, someone who treats me like an actual person.
Chi said he'd have a surprise for me today. I've been waiting with so much anticipation that I can hardly sit still in class anymore. Melissa sends me sideways glances that I ignore while my fingers play over my table as if it were a piano, my restless foot tapping the tempo. Chi refused to tell me what the surprise was. He simply said that it was something I would probably enjoy.
When school is finally out and I arrive at our usual meeting place, Chi isn't there yet. I lean against the monument, take in the view, and enjoy this peaceful environment—the trees blowing in the wind, the sounds of different birds chirping from the branches before taking flight, finding freedom in a world where there is none.
The leaves crunching under his feet reveal his presence before I see him. I lift my head just as he turns around the corner of the Arch. He smiles at me and my heart pounds against my ribcage, hard. I don't know if I'm supposed to approach him, kiss him, stay away, wave my hand, or relax maybe. I can't think.
Chi drops his backpack. He strides over quickly and joins me within seconds. He doesn't touch me though. He's holding something behind his back. I try to catch a glimpse of what it is without making it obvious, though of course he knows what I'm up to. His mouth tilts up on one side at my behavior and I clear my throat, pretending that nothing's going on and that I'm not dying to know what he's hiding right now.
"Hi Chi," I greet him, flatly, my vocal cords cooperating with me for once. I manage to say it without my voice shaking or betraying my curiosity. I might be duping him, but I can't fool myself. My chest is breaking apart, smashed open by this quickening heartbeat that won't stop crushing me from the inside out.
"Hi, Thia." He bends over and deposits the tiniest kiss to the side of my mouth. I hold my breath. When I don't push him away, he remains there, pulling back just slightly before his mouth comes claiming mine again. I inhale sharply through my nose, breathing in the scent of him. My mouth finally agrees to obey my commands and return his kiss. His lips are like feathers against mine, making me want to take off, making me fly.
He pulls away and asks me to close my eyes. I shake my head at him and he chuckles.
"Are you scared?" he asks.
"Scared of what?"
"I don't know. Little Red Riding Hood playing in the woods with the Big Bad Wolf." He lets out a laugh. "Just close your eyes. I w
on't bite or blow your house down, I promise."
I sigh. "Fine." I close my eyes. "You're hardly a wolf, just so you know. You don't scare me in the least."
He doesn't reply or even wait a second before dropping something in my hands. I feel for it right away. It's rectangular, thick, and made of paper.
"You got me a book?" I ask as I open my eyes to confirm my guess.
"Not just any book," he replies, beaming at me.
I take the time to inspect the cover featuring a bearded man with white hair. The Empire in the Pillory, by Victor Hugo.
I cast Chi a quick glance and my eyebrows gather in slight confusion. He's smiling as if this is the most exciting thing he's ever come up with. I bite my upper lip and swallow a giggle. I have no idea what this is about. I open the book and read enough to make out some of the content.
"Poems?" I smile. "You brought me a poetry book?" I'm genuinely happy now. This was really thoughtful of him.
"Not just any poems, Thia," he protests. "Hugo was a revolutionary. He wrote those after exiling himself voluntarily."
"I've never heard of him."
But he doesn't explain further. "I think you'll like the poems," he simply continues. "Well, I hope so." He plays with a curly lock that has fallen over my face and pushes it behind my ear. His eyes reflect the sun, shining at me, brightening my world.
"I'll read some tonight." I grin at him again. I can hardly wait. I really want to know what got Chi so excited and why he thinks this book is so special.
"Do not show this to your family," he adds, suddenly anxious.
"Well, I could never explain where I got it anyway."
He relaxes upon my reassuring him, but his first reaction makes me slightly nervous.
"Is this a book I'm not supposed to have, Chi?" I ask.
"Maybe." His eyebrow arches at me, daring me to keep it anyway.
"I'm sure whatever Mr. Hugo wrote won't get me in any more trouble than what I write in my own journal on a daily basis, Chi." My voice comes out bold and superior. I'm up to the challenge. It's not any more dangerous than my being here with him in the first place. This is just a book—a book of forbidden words—something I am now really eager to read because I know I'm not allowed to do so.
Chi pulls my head toward him and kisses my temple. "You are everything I hoped you would be, and more."
My chest shatters under the sudden leap of my traitorous swelling heart. "What do you mean?"
"When I saw you for the first time..." He pauses. "At the stadium, you know. I was hoping you'd be like this. Smart. Willing to resist and question their stupid rules." He smiles at me, his lips lopsided. "You are everything I expected and hoped you would be."
"What if I hadn't been?" I ask.
"I would have been terribly disappointed," he replies, stating it as a simple fact. "I wanted to kiss you the moment I saw you, Thia." He comes closer to me. "I desperately wanted to kiss you at the ball, too." Closer still, his arms now around me, pulling me to him. "And every single day after that." He leans into me, and his lips find mine, showing me just how much he means it.
His lips brush my mouth, pressing with increasing insistence each time they touch me, until we crash against each other. He's stealing my breath. All my rational thoughts are gone—flying through the wind blowing my mind. And at this very moment, I fall, fall for him so hard I come crashing down, hitting the ground and never wanting to stand back up. My heart speeds up. I don't know if I'm scared, terrified, or just plain elated.
When he pulls away, I give him a tiny smile and try my best to remain calm, though I'm now realizing that I'm falling in love with him. And I'm waiting, desperate, wanting nothing more than for him to just kiss me again. I wait. I wait for him to do so, and when he does, I know that I am lost, lost for good, because there is no way I can ever turn around now and find my way back to the boring, stifling existence I used to live.
Chapter 16
In the evening, I read half the book that Chi gave me. I don't notice it at first, but he has left a note on the first page for me.
"For you to enjoy and ponder.
If we should let them destroy while we wander.
Chi."
The message would be unclear to anyone not knowing Chi. But unlike last time, when he handed me the first note, I decipher the meaning hidden behind his words immediately now. Chi is referring to the authorities. It's a clear allusion to the content of the book. The rhymes of Victor Hugo are so beautiful, filling my soul with a desire to change things irrevocably. It's such a cry for justice, as if he had written those words just for me, making my heart ache and concur.
I fall asleep with the book in my hands, resting over my chest and keeping Chi close to my heart. Sometime during the night, I wake up in a panic. How could I let such an incriminating item lie around so carelessly? I stash it away in the box containing my journals.
A week passes by before I get to see Chi again. I can't raise my mother's suspicion. I've been pretending to spend so much time at the library after school that I'm wondering how she hasn't caught on to my lies yet.
The moment I reach the Arch, Chi asks me if I've read the book. I smile at him and nod.
"Did you like it?" he asks.
"Yes, Chi. I loved it. Thank you."
He grabs my hand, pulls me to him, and holds me tightly against his chest before cupping my face. His thumbs run up and down my cheeks. They're slightly calloused against my skin. His lips reach for me delicately and he speaks against my ear, "Let's get out of here."
I pull back. "And go where?"
"Let's head down the valley." One of his eyebrows rises in excitement. He retrieves my hand and interlaces his fingers with mine.
"The path is over there to the right," I declare, proud to remember the route I used to take with Lance.
"How do you know?" Chi asks.
"My brother showed me."
"So, I don't hold the monopoly of bringing you to this place, then?" he asks, smiling at me.
"Sorry to disappoint."
He laughs, his voice filled with humor, carrying me to a place I've learned to love, a place both joyful and carefree, a place I only ever enter when I'm with him and wish I never had to leave.
His fingers remain intertwined with mine as he leads the way down the path. It's been left untouched for years. It's hardly visible anymore. The trail is partly blocked by vines and branches. Chi pushes them out of the way and waits for me to duck and pass underneath them before he lets them fly back past us.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"Have you been to the stream?"
"No. Lance always made us stop a few minutes into the woods."
Chi doesn't add anything. He sends me a quick smile, simply happy to show me something I haven't seen yet. He keeps on clearing the way for me. The drop is steep. The walk back up will be hard and treacherous. Our feet hit the leaves, kick rocks, break twigs. It's cold out, but not enough to make us shiver.
When we reach the water, I gasp in wonder as I catch sight of some animals running away at the sound of our intrusion. The brook is low, almost non-existent. Chi sits down, and I crush the leaves underneath me when I settle by him. We talk while he runs his thumb over the top of my hand, electrifying me in the process, shooting sensations through my skin.
"What are you doing this weekend?" he asks out of the blue. It takes me by surprise. He's never wanted to know before today. "Is there any way you could meet your friend to study over the weekend? Any chance you may need some private tutoring?" He waggles his eyebrows at me.
"I..." I pause. I spend almost every weekend with William and his family. I force myself to accept their constant insults, their belittling orders, and their demeaning attitude toward me—the girl they've come to own.
Chi sends me a glance, reading right through my silence. "I see." His good mood is gone in a flash. "Do you have to see him often?"
I don't want to reply. I don't want him thinking about William and me wh
en I can't come here because of my obligations. But my sudden stillness and unease speak for me.
"That often, huh?" His irises turn a dark shade that I've grown to recognize as a sign of the torment residing deep inside him but that only rises to the surface when he gets truly upset.
His jaw is tightly set and his mouth has turned into a thin line of disgust. William is a subject I try to avoid, a topic that always threatens to derail the roller coaster that drives Chi's emotions. I search his eyes for a connection, but he's avoiding my gaze. He bends over to pick up a rock and throws it away, hard. I flinch when he does it, but he doesn't seem to notice.
"I just can't come here when it's not a school day. I made it clear when we started meeting," I try to explain. I know he understands, but it doesn't make it any easier on either of us.
It's already been two months since I first followed my instincts and threw away all common sense to meet Chi here. Since then, my feelings have changed and grown irreversibly while my inner life has been altered beyond recognition. But this situation between us, the impossibility of ever really being together, that hasn't changed. And it hurts my heart so much to think the circumstances will never get any better.
Chi turns toward me. "The last thing I want is for our relationship to get you in trouble, or worse, put you in danger." He stops and sighs. "But I've grown selfish. I just..." He looks away for a second before closing the distance between us, his body so close to mine I can feel the heat radiating through his clothes. "I just wish I could have you for myself. Without all this." His hand flies around as he says it, encompassing all these invisible obstacles that keep us apart. "Without having to share you with him." His voice hits a high cord when he says "him," his tone filled with obvious anguish and disdain. And just like that, my heart cracks and breaks.
The pain in his eyes comes to stab at me, puncturing my soul while he wraps his arms around me. His lips meet mine, hard, desperate, showing me how difficult it is for him when I'm not around, how much he hates it when I have to oblige others and please people who don't even value my presence.