by Alice Rachel
I look back at her. “Mother, this is Chi. Chi, this is my mother.”
“Good evening, Chi! So, you’re the gentleman who started it all,” she says with a sideways grin.
She looks tired, older somehow. She’s chuckling though, something I've never witnessed before. Of course, Mother has always been strong and nothing ever seems to faze her.
“Yes ma'am, that would be me,” Chi replies without humor, his voice still trembling from the emotions he’s trying to repress. “I’m sorry I kidnapped your daughter,” he adds, nodding his head in respect, gloom suddenly clouding his face. “If you’ll excuse me.” He sends me a quick glance before walking away and exiting the room.
I’m at a loss about what to do. Chi hates for others to witness his weaknesses. Though it's killing me to see him like this, I choose to leave him be—for now.
I turn to my mother. “Are you okay? What did they do to you in there? What about Father? What did he say when the officers came to pick you up?”
“Yes, Thia, I’m okay. I’m actually feeling better than I have in years. And I am so proud of you. My very own little warrior. I can see why you chose Chi. What a handsome young man he is!” She smiles and pulls me into another hug. A tear rolls down my cheek. This is more than I ever hoped for: a true compliment from my cold mother and a sign of deep affection.
“As for your father," she resumes. "He was furious when he found out what I did. He called me a disgrace and told me he'd never take me back even if the officers let me go.”
A pang of sorrow spasms through my heart upon hearing this. My mother is now homeless, just like me. She no longer has status in society. But she comforts me right away and reminds me that she is finally free and actually relieved about it.
We talk a while longer before I tell her that I need to find Chi and make sure he’s okay. I shouldn't leave him on his own for too long. I let her know where our apartment is located. She should join us later. We only have one bedroom, but maybe she can use it and we’ll sleep on the floor.
I go straight to our apartment, but Chi isn't there. I call for him down the hall, with fear in my heart. Why did I leave him alone? That was such a stupid thing to do. Chi isn’t well; I don’t know what he’s capable of, or what he might do to himself. I need to find him, quickly. I look for him all over the place until I remember that the river brings him peace. He must be on the balcony. I head back to our bedroom, and now that I know where to look, I finally see his shadow behind the curtains, moving against the moonlight. Instant relief fills my veins.
I head to the French door. He doesn’t turn around even though I know he’s heard me. He's staring at the horizon, and I'm just standing here. I don’t dare touch him. I don’t know if he wants me to leave or stay and comfort him.
When he starts talking, his voice is steady though anger is growling underneath. “I knew I might not be there on time, but I still hoped. That was quite foolish of me, I guess.” He turns to me and the affliction on his face makes my heart bleed. “I almost saved my dad, Thia. I should have killed Stephen on the spot. If I had, my dad would still be alive.”
I take a step toward him and cup his face with my hands. “You can’t think like that. You didn’t know what would happen. And really, could you live with yourself if you'd killed Stephen? Your own brother!”
Chi pushes my hands away, his eyes as hard and cold as metal. His rejection stings, but I know it’s not personal. He just needs his space. He doesn’t want my comfort, and I don’t know how to help him. “Thia, what my brother said, about Willow…”
I look straight at him, and a mixture of feelings floods my heart in a wave so strong that all my doubts and insecurities wash out of me. I don’t care. I don’t care what he did with Willow. Chi just lost his entire family. I'm the only person he has left. I don’t know why he lied to me about her, but I just simply don’t care. It might hurt to think about him with another girl, but this isn't about me. Chi needs help and support; I want to be here for him.
“Chi, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”
He cuts me off, loudly, screaming in my face, “No, you don’t understand!” He pauses, as if in need of a breath, before continuing, more softly this time. “I can’t lose you, Thia. Not now!”
“You’re not losing me, Chi.”
But he’s not listening. He keeps on talking, babbling with frenzy, “I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t know how to tell you. You were so worried about our relationship at first, and then sex seemed to terrify you; I didn’t want to scare you away.”
“Chi, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter anymore,” I try to reassure him.
“No, it does matter! You see, I had nothing to lose before. It was all about finding my parents and I didn’t care about the consequences. But now, my parents are gone. And all this time, I thought I could save them, but I was a fool! I was so wrong! I failed them miserably. What Stephen said, he was right. I’m always too late! I can never forgive myself for this. And I can’t afford to lose you, too.”
Chi stumbles and falls to his knees. It surprises me so much that I don’t react right away. He looks completely broken. He grabs his face with his trembling hands as his whole body starts shaking and his shoulders slump downward in desolation. His grief breaks my heart. I take a step toward him as sobs rise in his throat. He's shivering all over.
His pain is excruciating to look at. I can’t stand seeing him like this. I wish I could take all his agony and mourning away. I would carry it all inside me. I would take it all, let it crush me and break me apart as long as it meant that Chi would just stop hurting. A single tear rolls down my cheek. I sit next to him and pull his head to my collarbone. He pushes his face against my left shoulder and holds on to me tight as he cries against my neck. His fingers are clutching my shirt, and his sobs are shaking through his entire body. I rock him slowly against me while caressing his hair and making soothing sounds. I don’t know what to tell him, so I remain silent. There is nothing to say, no comforting words that wouldn't sound like lies. Though his pain might lessen with time, nothing will ever be the same for him.
Slowly, his sobs subside and he calms down a bit. He pulls his face away from me and looks the other way. He doesn’t want me to see the tears in his eyes, but it’s too late. I don’t know why he always has to be so proud. He holds the heels of his hands to his eyes, as if he means to rub the pain away.
He’s still avoiding my gaze when he sighs. It’s a deep exhale, an attempt to let all the air out in the hope it might take away the pain as well. He finally turns to me. He kisses me all over my face. His mouth is wet and warm against my skin. His kisses on my lips are hard, desperate.
He pulls back and presses his forehead against my temple. “I had tried to prepare myself for the loss of my parents. I knew it might happen. But with you, it’s different. I know I pretend to be strong. I like to claim that I can bear it all, but I could never make it if I lost you, Thia. I'd rather die. You’re everything I have left, and I can't let anything happen to you. Please, tell me I'll never lose you.”
He looks me in the eye and my chest fills with anxiety. How could I possibly tell him that nothing will happen to me and that we’ll be fine? I have to beguile him from the fears clawing at him. He knows better, but I can tell he needs to hear it—one simple white lie to allay his worries.
So I say it even if deep inside I don’t believe one word of it. “Chi, I’m not going anywhere. Nothing’s going to happen to me. Okay?”
He looks at me, with tears still drying on his cheeks. “Okay.”
His voice is so low I can hardly hear it. He doesn’t believe one word I just said, but pretending that he does is easier for him right now than to argue about it.
“I don’t think it’s worth it anymore,” he continues.
“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”
“All this. The resistance. It's not worth the costs.”
I look at him. I don’t understand. Or maybe I do and I ca
n’t accept what he’s saying.
“If being a part of the rebellion means I might lose you, I'm out.”
“But, Chi, that’s why we’re here,” I protest.
“No, it’s not. My goal was to save my parents. I failed and I’m done. I’m not letting one more person I love get hurt.”
“Chi, you’re not thinking straight. We can’t just leave now.”
“Why not?” he asks, frustration cutting through his voice.
“Because it would be selfish and unfair,” I try to be sensible, but he won't listen.
“I don’t care if I’m being selfish. This whole damn society is selfish! I just want to make sure you’re safe, and I don’t care about the rest.”
I’m so shocked I don’t reply. Chi is the reason why I’m here. He talked me into this rebellion. He truly believed in it. He knows what’s at stake. He knows what this means for people who’ve been oppressed for so long. I can’t turn back and pretend that I don’t know, that I couldn't care less about the fate of those around me.
I look at him, but I can’t speak. Like that day I told him about the pre-nuptial night, Chi has that look on his face; he's made up his mind already. Though I don’t like his decision, I know that no argument of mine will convince him otherwise. But I still try. “Chi, I’m staying. If you want to protect me, you have to be with me.”
“Thia, I am not sacrificing you for this!”
“You’re not sacrificing me, Chi. You saved me many times over. You don’t need to save me from the world.”
“No! What I don’t need is to save everyone in the world when all I care about is you! I didn’t choose to be born second; you didn’t choose to be born a girl. I am sick and tired of this self-centered society and trying to save it from itself. Let the others do the job for once.” His anger slashes at me, and I have to remind myself that this isn't personal. This is just his anguish talking. I'm sure I can reason some sense back into him eventually.
“Chi, I can’t do that. How could I look at myself in the mirror every morning and know what’s going on out there?”
“When I saw my brother shooting at you, I thought I was going crazy. It’s horrible to say, but I’m glad William jumped in the way, Thia." His despair comes to cut me; it's hard not to give in, just to comfort him.
"I can’t let that happen again," he adds. "I can’t breathe thinking you might not make it next time.”
There’s no talking him out of his decision right now. He just needs some peace of mind. Instead of arguing further, I pretend that I’m on board with him. I nod and kiss him, hoping to bring him solace. I know his heart is broken, and I don’t want to add any more conflict to his life.
“I love you, Chi, so much.”
“I love you too. Please, don’t leave me,” he replies, and my heart breaks a little bit more at the pleading sadness in his voice.
“I’m right here. I’m not leaving.” I brush his lips with mine and thumb his cheek.
“Good!” A tiny half-hearted smile splits his mouth for a second, gone in a blink of an eye, instantly replaced by painful sorrow.
Chapter 34
Chi and I remain like this for a long time, sitting on the balcony. We’re holding on to each other tightly. My mind is frantic with worry about him. I think about the people that we've lost today: Chi’s father, James, William, and countless others I never even met and will never get to know.
I don’t understand William’s actions and I never truly knew him. I always thought he would lead me to my ultimate destruction and be the end of me. But instead, he saved me and sacrificed his life for mine. Had I known what would happen, would I have acted differently? I’m not entirely sure, but I doubt I would have.
There's no going back now. And despite what Chi says, there is nowhere we can go or hide. He cannot protect me. No one can protect me. The world is changing. And yet, just like before, Chi and I are outcasts with nowhere safe to run. I’m still pondering this when Chi gets to his feet and holds out his hand to me. I take it and stand up. We exit the apartment and go join the others.
We head to the fitness center. Taylor is there with Chase and Kayla. He sends Chi a glance filled with concern.
“Chi, I’m really sorry—" he begins, but Chi holds up his hand to cut him off. Taylor's brows crease with worry, but he moves on as if he hadn’t raised that topic. “Thia, your mom is going to share your apartment. I hope it’s not too awkward or anything.”
“No, it’s fine. I already told her to join us.”
“Great,” he says before turning to the television.
I hadn’t noticed it was there. It wasn’t in this room yesterday. It’s small, with a huge antenna, and it seems to be running on batteries. The reception is bad, full of static. The news is on, and the videos are shocking, revolting. A reporter is talking while some footage is being filmed from above, probably from a helicopter. Some prisoners are standing against a wall, with their arms in the air and their backs turned to the officers who start shooting. The prisoners fall to the ground, in a growing pool of blood. The guards move forward and drag the bodies through the yard while other prisoners are forced to line up and wait for their executions.
I close my eyes as more shots take the lives from more prisoners. I don’t think I can watch this. Chi squeezes my hand and I look at him. His face is grave; he’s as upset as I am. More images of the camps appear, showing piles of corpses lying in the courtyards.
I glance at Taylor and try to gather myself before I speak, but I can't hide my revulsion. “This is a failure! We failed all these people!”
A flicker of pain crosses Taylor's eyes. “We saved hundreds of people tonight, Thia. I received confirmation that more prisoners were saved from some of the other camps. We did what we had to do."
“Some members of the Underground were even left behind and didn’t make it back,” I exclaim, furious.
"Should we have left all the prisoners in the camps, then? Would you have felt better pretending that nothing was going on? Our missions are never free of consequences. People die every single time."
"How can you just stand here and watch this?" I shout at him.
“That’s enough, Thia!” he retorts as if scolding a child. Chi flinches against me, and his hand squeezes mine hard, signaling for me to shut up.
“Look," Taylor continues, more calmly now, "I understand what you’re saying, okay! What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry we couldn’t save thousands of people! We're not superheroes, Thia!"
I shake my head, glaring at him, and his irritation escalates in response.
"You've never seen the authorities kill or torture someone you cared about, have you?" he asks me.
I don't respond. He already knows I haven't.
"Well, let me tell you something, Thia. The rest of us have. Every single person in this room has lost a family member—shot right in front of their eyes. That shit on TV right now, that's what happens to people who aren't from the upper-class and to those who resist the rules. You need to wake up from that utopia you've been living in, princess. 'Cause you don't have a clue what real personal loss is or what sacrifices need to be made to change an entire system."
His words punch me hard, fueling the anger in me. When I look at Chase and Kayla in turn, their faces are covered with sorrow. My hand clenches tightly around Chi's.
"We knew that we couldn't save all the prisoners." Taylor won't stop talking. "I plain told you so before we even left for the camp. This is war now. The fight is far from over, and I need everyone to remain positive. We can’t stop, and it's a bit too easy to be all self-righteous about the consequences now. All that human loss, it's not on you, or Chi. It’s on me and the other Underground leaders. We are the ones who have to live with it. Things will get a lot worse before they get better. I never said it would be easy. You need to choose if you're in or out because I won’t let anyone dissuade the others or tell them to stop fighting."
His eyes bore right through me. He’s so
angry and displeased with me that I let the issue go. We keep on watching the news for ten minutes until I’ve had enough and need some air. I pull on Chi’s hand lightly and he gets my meaning. We walk out without saying goodbye to the others.
Chi and I go back to our apartment, where I find my mother standing by the window. She turns around when she sees us. She pulls Chi and me to her and holds us both in a tight hug.
When we pull away, she asks, “What do you think is going to happen now?”
“I don’t know.”
“How long are we going to be able to stay here?”
“I don’t know.”
She glances at me and smiles a little. “Yes, of course.”
Everyone's exhausted. It’s time to go to bed. Despite what I had decided, my mother insists that she should take the couch in the living room instead of the bedroom. Even though nothing has happened between Chi and me, sharing a bed with him is awkward when my mother is staying right next door.
I lie down, but I can't sleep. I look at Chi. His eyes are closed, but I can tell he’s not sleeping either. The horrible things we saw on TV keep on rolling in front of my eyes, preventing me from finding peace. After a few hours, my lids finally get heavy and my eyes shut down, closing the door onto this world where more terror is sure to come.
***
The next day, Chi and I head back to the fitness center. Mother decides to remain behind. I'm still exhausted. I didn't sleep well and nightmares plagued my night, waking me up at all hours. Though we didn’t have dinner last night, Chi and I are not hungry. We don’t feel like joining the others for breakfast either.
When we open the door to the training room, Taylor is standing there, surrounded by many people, most of whom are still wearing uniforms from the camps. They’re watching the news. Taylor turns around when he hears us open the door, but he doesn’t smile or greet us. He's still mad at me.