The ferry crossed the Foveaux Strait from Oban to the mainland twice daily in winter, while the affectionately named “pencil planes” flew more often. The first flight of the day would’ve left an hour ago. Since his phone battery died during the wee hours of this morning, he’d no way of knowing what waited for him at home.
Jade, he told himself pushing open the gate. Jade would be there. Please, God.
He jogged up the stairs to the front door. Locked. He knocked, hard enough to cause the glass to rattle.
“Keep your hair on.” A shrill voice then the rapid tap of footsteps sounded from inside.
He sagged against the side of the house, his breath whooshing out of his lungs as if he’d been slugged in the stomach. Never thought he’d be so happy to hear Marci’s voice.
The door whipped open. “You’re back. You could’ve texted me.” Marci, made up like a cheap porcelain doll, tapped a spike-heeled shoe on the floor.
He shot a glance at the solo suitcase parked in the hallway and stayed outside on the deck. “My battery died.”
Marci made a pffft sound with her pursed lips and spun away from the door. “Well, come in, it’s your house after all.”
He trailed after her to the family room.
“Where’s Jade?” He felt like a bomb technician, aware that an accidental twitch could detonate a ground-leveling explosion.
“With your mother.”
Marci perched on a barstool, her mini-skirt hiking higher up her thighs. He looked away.
“She wouldn’t stop crying last night after you’d left, so I had to call her. She calmed right down after your mum arrived.”
Her blue eyes tracked him as he first dropped his jacket on an armchair, then walked into the kitchen.
“I made a pot of coffee.”
Ben poured himself a cup and cut her a wary glance. “So. Is she okay this morning?”
“Yes, yes, she’s fine. Your mother rang before, but I told her to keep Jade until I could talk to you alone.”
Ben sipped the coffee, which may as well have been weak tea for all the taste it had. “Oh?”
“See, here’s the thing.” Marci tossed her hair. “I never wanted to be a mother.”
No great surprise. Ben schooled his features into a bland, non-judgmental expression. Female-taming techniques 101—rack brains for what they might mean, then agree using carefully rephrased words. “You were very young when you got pregnant.”
She nodded, frown lines in her forehead smoothing. “Exactly.”
Bingo. “And you weren’t ready for all the hassles and responsibilities of being a mum.”
Her lips trembled and pulled up in one corner. “I was terrified. After I had Jade, I didn’t, you know, feel the huge wave of maternal love everyone told me about. I thought it would come later, but it never really did—” She played with a strand of her blonde hair. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but…” Her boobs thrust out then sank down with a gusty sigh.
Ben’s palms, slippery with sweat, clamped around his coffee mug. “But?”
“You’ll hate me.” She licked her pouty pink lips. “She’ll hate me.”
“But what, Marci?” A tiny flame of hope flickered in his chest.
“Seeing her with you, I know you don’t need to fake loving her like a parent should.” She straightened her shoulders. “You’re willing to give up your home and the Italian chick because you love Jade.”
He winced. “I do love her.”
“And your mum and sisters love Jade too. They want to be there for her—you want to be there for her. Me?” She gave him a small smile that twisted into a grimace. “After the last few days, I realized I don’t want to take care of her by myself. I’m too selfish—there, I said it.”
Ben placed the coffee mug down on the counter before he crushed it to dust. “You don’t have to do it by yourself, Marci.”
“So you’ll marry me?”
Marry Marci after he’d finally admitted to himself he loved Kezia? Promise to love and cherish and whatever else you said to a woman during the ceremony? What kind of example would it be to Jade if he married a woman he didn’t love, and barely tolerated?
Ben forced the jagged rocks tumbling around in his guts to a standstill so he could get the words out. Words that formed a decision he’d made on the ferry ride over. “No. I won’t marry you or share your bed. But I will move to Auckland to help you care for Jade.”
He thought it wise not to mention his plans to sic his lawyer onto her first thing tomorrow morning.
Marci slipped off the stool and came into the kitchen, stopped dead in front of him. “Cutie, you look like a guy facing a hangman’s noose, sooo not flattering. I didn’t want a man to take care of me or share a bed with me out of a ball-crushing sense of duty. I want him to be with me because he loves me.” She patted his cheek and stepped back.
“You’ll never love me. When I first got here, I thought the two of us could one day, you know…” She rolled her eyes. “Not gonna happen. Kinda guessed it after I saw you looking at the school teacher. I’ve decided I want a man to look at me that way.”
“You’ll find him, Marci—but Jade—”
“Belongs with you. Here.”
Ben almost swallowed his tongue. “You mean…?” He couldn’t finish, his hands trembling so violently he had to stuff them into the pockets of his jeans.
Marci pressed her lips together and nodded. “I’m a sucky, deadbeat mum, huh?”
Ben had to clear his throat twice before he choked out a response. “No, it makes you a mother willing to do the right thing for her kid. That doesn’t make you sucky or deadbeat in my book.”
She uttered a soft, snorting laugh. “I never liked the hands-on stuff with Jade and Blake.”
He straightened. “I want full legal custody.”
“You contact your lawyer, and I won’t stand in your way.” She cocked a hip. “I still want to see her from time to time. Do the fun stuff, you know, shopping trips, make-up, fashion, etcetera—the kind of stuff your gumboot-wearing, Italian girlfriend won’t be able to help her with.” A plucked eyebrow arched up at him.
He thought it prudent to refrain from saying he hoped Kezia never gave a crap about shopping trips, make-up, and fashion. “We’ll work something out.”
“Speaking of your girlfriend…she seems like a nice lady. Is it serious?”
He didn’t know how serious it was any more. “The whole possibility of marrying you may’ve screwed things up.”
Marci giggled her signature giggle and slapped his arm. “Nah, you’ll talk her round. You’re not the cold-hearted jerk I first thought you were. You’re kind of sweet—like a big teddy bear.”
Oh, God. Kill him. Kill him now. “A big teddy bear. Yeah, you nailed it.” He tried to keep his smile patient, when really, he wanted to get his lawyer on the phone ASAP.
“Sure this is what you want, Marci?”
She frowned a little. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?”
“Hell, no. But for Jade’s sake—for all of our sakes—you need to be a hundred per cent sure if you walk away.”
“I only came back for her out of duty and guilt. I don’t regret letting Simon take Blake—a boy should be with his dad—but with Jade?” She sighed. “I thought if she came with me, I’d lose the guilt and want to do the whole Earth Mother thing. Turns out, nope, I don’t.” She shook her head. “I won’t change my mind, because she’ll be happy here with you, and I can get on with my own life. I feel like a huge weight’s been lifted off me.”
She smiled at him, and although the spot of skin between his shoulder blades crawled at Marci’s lack of emotion, he peeled his lips apart in a friendly grin and refrained from a yahooing fist-pump.
“Well, let’s go and tell Jade and Mum the good news.”
Marci wasn’t the only one with a weight gone.
Kezia. Nothing stood in their way now, so once she got back to the island, they’d talk and everything would work out
. Somehow.
Chapter 18
Kezia knew who was outside before Sparky barked and Jade’s shushing sounds came through her back door.
Oh, God—they were here.
Zoe had been discharged from hospital earlier that day, two mornings after Ben left. Piper had collected them from the airport, filling her in on the details Shaye only mentioned over the phone: Marci had left the island alone, and Ben’s lawyer was working on custody arrangements.
Kezia was happy for him, she really was.
“Come in,” she called.
Slotting the lasagna pan into the oven, Kezia narrowed her eyes against the blast of heat. She wouldn’t dwell on the first time Ben helped make her signature dish. His hot, sweet kisses. Her fluttery stomach, the breathless anticipation and quivering excitement. No, dwelling resulted in yearning for the past, and she’d learned her lesson this time. Learned it well.
“Hi, Kezia.” Jade ran straight to her for a hug.
“Jade, cara.” Kezia squeezed the girl tightly but couldn’t keep her gaze from Ben.
He leaned against the door jamb, thumbs hooked in the belt loops of his jeans, wearing a chunky wool sweater that emphasized his broad shoulders. Cool brown eyes swept over her, his handsome face giving nothing away. Sparky panted at his ankles—doggishly grinning like today was the best day ever.
“Did Aunty Shaye tell you the good news?”
Kezia fixed her smile in place. “Yes, and I’m so glad you’re staying. Our class wouldn’t be the same without you.”
“Ugh, school. Don’t remind me.” Jade groaned and poked out her tongue. “Can I see Zoe for a little while? Aunty Shaye said not too long ‘cause she’ll be tired.”
“A little while is fine. She’s in bed watching a movie on my laptop. You can go on through.”
“Thanks!” Jade raced out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.
Kezia wiped sweaty palms down her legs. Breathe, Kez. In, out, repeat, repeat, repeat. Absolutely pointless. One glimpse of Ben and her lungs ceased to function, and blood stampeded through her veins, straining toward him as if he exuded a gravitational pull.
They hadn’t spoken since Invercargill. Wrapped up caring for Zoe, the few times she’d left the hospital for a walk, she’d only checked her text messages and returned a few missed calls. None of the messages or missed calls came from Ben. How her spirits had pathetically soared after Shaye rang with the news. How they nose-dived after she disconnected. Ben getting custody of his daughter didn’t fix the underlying issues.
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t trust her ability to speak in complete sentences without sounding breathless, so she nodded. “Coffee?”
Playing the part of a good hostess must be hereditary. Funny—since the predisposition to fall in love with suitable men had obviously skipped a generation.
“I’ll give it a miss. You look exhausted.” He made a small sound of exasperation as Sparky sidled inside with him. “Out, girl.”
The dog whined, then trotted through the door and curled up in her usual spot.
Kezia would rather skip this conversation altogether, but it squatted like a smug elephant in her kitchen, sucking up all the oxygen. Ben turned back from closing the door, his brow furrowed, his mouth a tense line.
They watched each other, and the tension crackling around the room would’ve zapped her into a boneless jellyfish if she hadn’t already been weak, hot, and quivery deep down inside.
“Shaye told me you’d contacted your lawyer.” She turned and twisted on a tap, running cool water over her fingers. “She said since Marci’s agreeable it should be a straight-forward procedure to get custody.”
His boots scuffed across the floor. “That’s right.”
Six-foot-two of sexy-smelling, hard-muscled man stood directly behind her. Her man. No—not any more. Her gut gouged raw with grief, Kezia squeezed a dishtowel, more to steady herself than to dry her hands. “I’m glad you got your happy outcome, Ben.”
What was her happy outcome? The Wellington job offer? She’d stared at the e-mail when they’d arrived home until her vision blurred with tears. Then she’d popped a DVD into the laptop so Zoe could watch her feel-good movie Mary Poppins.
Two big, warm hands spanned her waist and slid down to gently grip her hips. “It’s not happy yet. There’s the matter of you and me.”
Ben’s fingers spread wide apart. The steady pressure of his thumbs worked up her spine, snaring a gasp of pleasure from her throat. Within seconds, he had her powerless with need, begging for his touch to continue. Kezia’s hips thrust backward, her bottom meeting solid, aroused male. Oh, Sweet Mother he felt so good—and straight after that thought—Kezia Marie Murphy, stop it! Right. Now.
She jerked forward to get away but her escape was momentary. Ben crowded closer, pinning her stomach to the counter edge.
“I was wrong.” He let go of her hips and brushed aside her hair, the warmth of his breath misting over her skin. “We’re not done. Not even close.”
“Things have changed.” She grappled to hold onto the smooth surface. Anything to resist pushing her bottom against him again.
“Yeah, for the better. Marci’s not an issue anymore.”
The inner wound she’d tried to protect tore open and bled. Biting her lip, the pain sharper than the flash of need blazing along her nerve endings, Kezia wriggled out of his arms.
“Do you think we can just go back to the way we were before?”
He stared, as if her curls had sprouted into a Medusa-tangle of snakes. “Well, not exactly like before…”
“How would it be different?”
They had chemistry in spades, but hot sex and the ability to not piss each other off most of the time wasn’t a recipe for long-term success. What if in six months’ time, Marci changed her mind? What if—God forbid—Zoe’s cancer returned, and they had to move to a city with a children’s oncology ward? Would it be her instead of Marci then—forcing him to make unbearable choices?
Kezia’s stomach coiled into knots at his silence, at the lines bracketing his tightly closed mouth. She couldn’t make him choose, because what if he didn’t pick her?
“You consider marrying another woman, and after she lets you off the hook, you think we’ll pick up where we left off?” She hated her voice’s bitter edge, but she was unable to soften it.
“Marrying Marci was a last resort idea—a really bad idea—and I only considered it because I was desperate and put on the spot. After I’d time to think it through, I knew I couldn’t ever go there. I was just trying to do the right thing for Jade—”
“You were being responsible, I get it. Just like when you were twenty and you were responsible by taking care of your father’s dive business and your family. You provided for their practical needs, but were you ever there, truly there, when they needed more than your breadwinning capabilities or strength?”
Ben flinched, as if she’d smacked him upside the head. “This has nothing to do with us.”
“It has everything to do with us! You almost did the same thing last weekend by half convincing yourself marrying Marci would be the practical and responsible thing to do to secure Jade’s future.”
“I made the only decision I thought I could make.”
“Yes. You made the decision. You said you would take care of this. There was no us while you thought about marrying that woman. There was no us after you turned down my offer of financial help without discussion.” Her breathing hitched, and her hand snaked up to massage the tightness in her throat. “If it were only sex between us, I’d understand. But you told me it was more than just sex, Ben. You made me believe it was more. But then it came down to the hard stuff and you didn’t want to dirty your hands with messy emotions. You just up and walked away.”
He stepped toward her. “I didn’t walk away from you.”
“In every way that matters to me, you did.” She held a palm out to stop him coming closer, planting it on his chest.
He stopped, covering her hand with his, keeping her fingers trapped against the heat simmering through the soft wool of his jersey.
“Kezia, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I…” His brow furrowed and the tips of his ears reddened. “I, ah…” He swore softly, lifting her hand to brush his lips across her knuckles. The stubble circling his mouth tickled her skin and made her pulse gallop even faster. “Kez, you must know how sorry I am, how much I want you—how much I…care about you and Zoe.” He offered up a crooked smile that two weeks ago would’ve had her dragging him into her bed.
“Of course I do.”
She waited, waited, for the words that meant something might be salvaged from this mess.
His gaze bored into her. He had beautiful eyes, gold flecked brown framed with long dark lashes. Sweet and sensitive eyes that shouldn’t belong to a man who’d shattered every last one of her dreams.
And still, Ben remained silent.
The ache in her chest spread, as if her heart had expanded with hope, then suddenly compressed to the size of a marble. The heart’s a mystery—it could survive a lot of knocks and bruises and bounce back for more. She thought something so strong and resilient would make a terrible noise when it finally shattered. But no, her heart broke with a quiet snap, like the handle of brittle, porcelain teacup gripped by careless fingers.
Kezia had run out of tears. They’d all been used up during the late-night hours in Zoe’s hospital room.
He let her hand go and backed away. “You need some space, I get it.”
Kezia stared down at her Donkey slippers. Ben didn’t get it, but Donkey did—he told Shrek he was so wrapped up in layers he was afraid of his own feelings. Hah! Well, the chubby green ogre had nothing on Ben.
“I’m tired, and I can’t think straight, so yes, I’d like to be alone now.” She bent down and cracked open the oven to check the lasagna. A convenient excuse to look away. “Jade can stay awhile. I’ll send her home after the movie’s finished.”
“All right.” Footsteps crossed the wooden floor, and the door creaked. “I won’t push, but you can’t hide from me forever. I’m not walking away from you again.”
Melting Into You (Due South Book 2) Page 26