by Amalie Jahn
He leapt down the last three steps and began ambling across the Grounds in the direction of his dorm. I stood like an idiot, watching him walk away until he was no longer illuminated by the streetlamps and the darkness of night completely engulfed him. Only then did I realize I was holding my breath.
C HAPTER FIVE
SPRING SEMESTER - SECOND YEAR
“We’re here,” I whispered to Nate as I shut off the car’s engine in front of his apartment. He’d fallen asleep in the passenger’s seat five minutes after leaving the hospital and continued snoring softly into his chest the entire trip. I nudged him gently on the shoulder. “Nate?”
He roused slowly. He was groggy. Groggier than I’d seen him in a while. I wondered how many Vicodin he’d taken before we got in the car.
He stirred. “Mel?”
“Yeah. We’re here. You want me to walk you in?”
He opened his eyes and leaned toward me across the console, not yet fully lucid. “I love you. I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry for everything.”
I kissed him gently on the lips and waited for him to come to. “I love you too. But don’t just be sorry. Try to fix it. You can get better. Summer’s here.” I hesitated. “Go to the treatment center.”
He pulled away, slowly waking up. “I’m fine. There’s nothing that needs fixing. Nothing I can’t handle. I’m just…” He trailed off.
“I know. You’re having trouble sleeping.”
“Yes. I’m still working through it. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better soon.”
I took a deep breath as I lifted his chin, forcing him to look at me. The color of his eyes betrayed him. The radiance of pewter had been replaced by the ashen grey of soot, and my heart broke to think of his sorrow. “It’s been almost a year. You’ve been saying that since September.”
He groaned. “Please. Not now, Mel. Let’s just get through finals and then maybe we can talk about it again. Until then, I don’t want to think about September. Or Sam. Or football. Or any of it. I just want it to go away.”
That was always his response. Just make it go away. But I couldn’t make it go away. No one could.
Finals were finals. I got through them. I studied. I concentrated as well as could be expected. I prayed for the best.
I don’t think Nate even managed the praying part. When I showed up at his apartment at the end of the week, I found him stuffing dirty clothes into a giant duffle bag.
“How’d you do?” I asked from the doorway of his bedroom, content to stay on the periphery of his packing.
He disappeared beneath his bed and reappeared with a wadded up pair of shorts. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just need to get outta here,” he said, shoving them into his bag.
I considered offering to help when two of his roommates tore through the front door into the apartment.
“Hey, Melody,” Tyree called when he noticed me standing in the hall. “Have a great summer!”
“Thanks,” I replied, mustering as much enthusiasm as I could. “You too.”
“Are you all finished?” Josh asked as he slid past me into the room.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah. Thank God. Time to pack up and head home. At least we’re gonna be in this same apartment again next year so I don’t have to pack so much. The TV can stay, the sofa, the bed…” He paused, considering Nate’s haggard form hunched over his belongings. “Speaking of that, are you in again? I need your deposit if you are.”
Nate didn’t stop what he was doing. He also didn’t respond.
“Yo, Nate, are you in or out?”
I watched as he closed his eyes. I knew he was willing us to go away.
“I’m out, dude,” he said finally.
I took hold of the doorknob to steady myself. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t told me what he was planning. Even with everything he’d been through, I hadn’t expected him to just give up. From the look on his face, neither had Josh. We both just stood there, dumbfounded by the reality of what was happening. No one wanted to acknowledge it had come to this. Neither of us was willing to accept that Nate was dropping out of school, even though he had already dropped out of life.
“But why?” Josh said at last.
Nate struggled with the zipper, swearing under his breath. “It’s complicated.”
Josh and I exchanged a knowing glance. We were both aware of why he wasn’t coming back and knew Nate lacked the courage to say the words aloud.
“Sam wouldn’t want it to be like this,” Josh said quietly.
“You’re right,” Nate replied. “He wouldn’t want to be dead.”
C HAPTER SIX
FALL SEMESTER - SECOND YEAR
It was steamy; unusually hot for the first week of September. My windows were open and the fan on my desk blew directly into my face. There was no central air in my dorm and although it hadn’t been a problem in the past, I suddenly wished I had followed Nate’s lead to live off Grounds in an air conditioned apartment. As I sat thinking of him, he appeared in my doorway, dressed in his orange team jersey and blue athletic shorts. His chest and shoulders were enormous, even without the pads underneath. The rush of adrenaline that always accompanied his arrival coursed through my body. I never got tired of seeing him, tan and perfectly rough around the edges, as he threw himself across my bed, sending my Spanish homework fluttering to the floor.
“Hey, you,” he said.
“Hey, yourself,” I replied, restacking my assignment. “Don’t you have practice?”
“Not ‘til 4:30. No pads practice today since we have the game tomorrow. Coach said he only needs about an hour to run over the plays one more time and to go over any changes in the lineup.” He positioned himself so he was sitting upright against my headboard. “With all my free time I thought I’d stop by and bother you for a while, and it looks like I arrived just in time.” He pointed to my large stack of books. “Are you doing homework on a Friday afternoon?”
“No. Yes. Maybe a little bit,” I said as I climbed onto his lap. “I’m just trying to make sure I stay on top of things.”
He fingered the top button of my shirt. “If you’re looking for something to stay on top of, you can stay on top of me all afternoon. I gotta be honest though, finding you here like this has me a little bit concerned. Have you learned nothing from me? Do you need remedial training?” He coughed dramatically, brandishing his hands in the air. “Repeat after me. Friday nights are not for homework.”
“Friday nights are not for homework,” I parroted to appease him.
“Friday nights are for fun.”
“Friday nights are for fun.”
He nodded approvingly. “Good. Now that we have that settled, what plans do you have for this evening?”
I didn’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I have to eat dinner. I’ll wait for you if you want or I’ll go earlier if you’re planning to eat with the team.”
He pulled me close and kissed me playfully on the nose. “I spend way too much time with those goons. I’d rather eat dinner with you. Wanna hit the grill?”
One of the things I loved most about Nate was that he wasn’t embarrassed to make his feelings about me known. He didn’t hide our relationship from his friends, and he didn’t make excuses for wanting to spend time with me. He just did what he wanted to do, regardless of what anyone else thought of him. And it made me swoon that what he wanted to do was spend time with me.
“Can Lesley come too?”
He chuckled. “Doesn’t she always? You two are attached at the hip. It’s like getting two girlfriends in one.”
“Bonus for you,” I said as I settled down beside him and turned on the TV. “Why don’t you see if Sam wants to come too.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to waste more time trying to get them together again this year,” he groaned. “Lesley’s so moody and judgmental. There’s no way he’ll ever go out with her. Sometimes I honestly don’t know how you two are such good friends.”<
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“She’s not that bad,” I said, coming to Lesley’s defense. “Maybe hooking up with Sam would help make her less… volatile.”
Nate shook his head. “That’s an interesting choice of words. I might have used crazy instead. And besides, your plan to get them together didn’t work last year. Why should this year be any different?”
“Because Sam was still pining over that horrible Jada girl last year and now he’s not. He told me she met someone over the summer and it’s serious, so it’s time for him to get over her. Sam and Lesley could be perfect for each other. I just have to get them to realize it.”
He smiled at me, shaking his head. “You’re too good for that girl, you know that? And besides, relationships need to develop organically. You can’t force them. They have to happen like you and me.”
I rolled over and propped myself onto my elbow so I could look directly at him. “First, since when do you use the word ‘organically’ to describe an evolving relationship? And second, how do you know our meeting wasn’t a set up?”
He turned away from the TV and pulled me into his arms before rolling on top of me in one fluid motion, pinning me beneath him as he supported his own weight. If I hadn’t known he didn’t want to hurt me, I would have been petrified.
“You think the Freshman Orientation Gods planned for you to fall in love with me?” he asked, his breath warm on my face.
“No,” I replied, pushing on his chest with all of my strength. “I think they planned for you to fall in love with me. Now get off me so I can finish my Spanish.”
Instead of yielding to my pleas, he released his arms, crushing me beneath him.
“Get off!” I squealed.
He laughed, holding himself just high enough on his elbows to keep from smothering me completely. “Never!” he cried.
I began tickling under his ribs, hoping it would entice him to release me, but it only served to make him more determined.
“This isn’t a fair fight,” I managed to squeak as he covered my face with kisses.
At that moment Lesley stumbled through the doorway, her arms heavy with books from the library. She sighed as she dropped them to the floor.
“Are you two at it again?” she asked, wriggling free of her backpack.
“Not again,” he quipped, relenting control and sitting up. “Still.”
“You two are cute but some days you make me want to puke,” Lesley said matter-of-factly. “How about keeping the saccharine to a minimum, huh?”
“How can I resist this adorable little face?” Nate teased, pinching my cheeks between both of his hands.
“Seriously. Enough. I’m nauseous over here.”
I gave Nate a stern look, putting an end to his banter. “So,” I said, changing the subject as I climbed off the bed, “Nate and I are going to the grill after his practice and he’s bringing Sam. You’ll come too, right?”
“Will I have more of this to look forward to?”
I glared at Nate as he opened his mouth to respond. “We will be on our best behavior, won’t we Nathan?”
He pretended to shine his halo. “On my honor.”
“Fine. I’ll go. But only because Sam will be there to run interference.”
We arranged to meet up at six at the front entrance to the grill, but by 6:30 Lesley and I decided the boys weren’t coming. We ate cheesesteaks by ourselves and were almost back to our room when a text arrived from Nate. My shoulders sagged as I illuminated the screen.
Practice sucked. Came home to shower and crash. Sorry about dinner. Raincheck? Call u in the AM.
I clicked off my phone, shoved it in my pocket, and continued walking along the sidewalk.
“Everything okay?” Lesley asked as she fell into step beside me.
“I guess.”
“That doesn’t sound reassuring. Was that Nate?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
I sighed, unable to mask my disappointment. “I guess something happened at practice that’s got him upset, and he just doesn’t feel like hanging out.”
We walked in silence as the excitement and anticipation of Friday night buzzed around us. Groups of students moved like small herds of cattle carting cases of beer to various parties on and off Grounds.
“We could just go do something ourselves,” she said finally in an attempt to lift my spirits. “Sasha and Alex are heading over to the Phi Delt house. We could go with them. Or I heard in biology class today that Sigma Pi is doing something too and I’m already on their list. Or if you don’t want to go out we could rent a movie and stay in with whoever’s on the floor.”
Although I appreciated her attempts to distract me, my mind was racing in a million directions as I tried to convince myself there was no reason to feel dejected.
Nate and I spent the summer between our first and second years living with our respective families almost two hours away from one another. During that time, we saw as much of each other as we possibly could, scheduling visits around summer jobs and family obligations. He spent fourth of July weekend celebrating with my family in Washington DC and even came with us on our annual beach trip. Even still, I discovered not having him physically present in my everyday life was tough. I blamed my father for the jealousy and trust issues I projected onto my relationship with Nate, but more than anything else, my lack of self-confidence fueled my fears. I worried endlessly over the summer that he would forget about me or find someone else, and although those fears were unfounded, they continued to linger, just beneath the surface.
And so my initial reaction to Nate’s text was to wonder if his excuse was as innocent as it appeared. Life taught me that many people simply lied to solve their problems, and I needed to be mindful if I was to avoid being deceived. Although Nate had never given me a reason to doubt him, a nagging voice in the back of my head always caused me to wonder. Was he really crashing at home or was he choosing something or someone else over me?
We reached the steps of our building and Lesley waited patiently for me to respond.
“Mel, he’s a good guy. He loves you. I’m sure whatever is going on will be fine by morning.”
I didn’t respond. I knew she was right. I silently chastised myself for focusing immediately on my own feelings instead of considering how bad things must have gone at practice for Nate to opt out of a Friday night of fun. I pulled my phone out of my pocket.
Sorry practice didn’t go well. Rest up for the game tomorrow and I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.
I hit send and grabbed Lesley’s hand.
“Sigma Pi, huh?”
“Yeah. You wanna go?”
My phone chirped. I glanced at the screen.
I love you too. Til tomorrow…
I looked at Lesley. “Absolutely,” I replied.
C HAPTER SEVEN
SUMMER BREAK - SECOND to THIRD YEAR
For the fifth day in a row I found myself at Brooke and Charlie’s house with baby Vicki curled up in my arms. There was no end to the love I felt for my niece, so petite and perfect swaddled in her gingham blanket. I watched Brooke move gingerly around the kitchen making sandwiches, still recovering from her cesarean. We were all very relieved that both she and the baby were doing well after Vicki’s unexpected early arrival into the world.
“Egg salad again today, or something else?” Brooke asked as she pulled out the loaf of bread from the pantry.
“Egg salad sounds good, but I should really be the one making lunch for you,” I replied.
She opened the refrigerator and grabbed a jar of mayo from the shelf. “Stop. I’ve got this. It’s just so nice to be up and about again. And besides, Vicki is quite comfortable right where she is. Best not to disturb her as long as she’s sleeping.”
She slid my sandwich across the counter and I carefully positioned myself with the baby in one arm so I could eat with my other hand. Working one-handed took some getting used to and I ended up losing half my sandwich into my lap.
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��You’re a mess,” Brooke giggled.
“A small price to pay,” I replied.
“You’ll need to change now before work this afternoon. You can borrow something of mine if you want.”
“Thanks,” I replied, popping the last bite of my sandwich into my mouth. “Speaking of work, when are you going back to the clinic?”
She shook her head. “I’m trying not to think about it. I know Dr. Barnes and Dr. Fletcher are swamped without me there, but I can’t stand the thought of not being home with her right now. The new vet we hired isn’t going to be here until September, which would have been fine if Vicki had made it to her due date, but since she came early, I guess I’m going to have to go back full time until he gets here. I can scale back to a couple days a week once he arrives, but until then I really need to get back. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with Vicki. We hadn’t prepared for this scenario.”
I smiled at the precious bundle in my arms. “I’ll keep her.”
She hesitated. “No. Melody, I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering.”
She considered me from across the kitchen. “What about working at the campaign office?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t care nearly as much about the campaign as I did about Vicki. “My hours are pretty flexible. I can work evenings. It would be fine.”
I saw her resolve wavering. “What about Nate?”
Her question caught me off-guard, but I knew she was referring to whether or not he would be spending time around the baby. I’d confided in both her and Charlie about Nate’s worsening condition, and she made it clear that she didn’t think we should continue our relationship.
As I gazed down at Vicki, I realized that perhaps she wasn’t the only one who felt that way. We’d spoken only once since leaving school the week before, and the conversation consisted of stilted small-talk sandwiched between awkward silence, culminating in a full-blown fight during which he accused me of nagging and I accused him of being a pathetic junkie. I’d begged him to find a job, take a class, or at least attend an NA meeting, but my pestering fell on deaf ears.