by Zara Raheem
“Oh, speed dating? Yeah. Me neither. But now that we’re here, tell me about yourself.”
“My friend actually told me about this, so I thought I would check it out,” he continued, seemingly distracted.
“Same. So tell me, what is—”
“You know, I always thought people who attended these things were weird.”
“Really?” Really?
“I mean, the whole idea of speed dating is only for people who can’t meet someone on their own, you know?”
“That’s not . . . true.” I frowned. I hadn’t met anyone I connected with in real life. Did that make me weird?
“Oh, I mean, it’s cool.” He shrugged. “I’m not saying this applies to everyone, obviously.” His eyes wandered to the left behind me. “I’m just saying it’s a little weird, that’s all.”
“Maybe we should talk about something else—” I said as Suitor #3 ducked under the table. “What are you doing?” I asked as he bumped against my leg.
“Shhh,” he hissed. “They’ll see me.”
“Who?” I whispered, turning around.
“I think I just saw someone I know.” He shifted underneath the table, lifting up the legs. Tania looked over at me as the whole table tilted to the right. I pointed to my date and shrugged, perplexed. “Let’s just keep talking,” he called out, his voice muffled under the tablecloth. Keep talking? With who? The empty seat across from me?
“Can you just come back up?” I pulled my leg back as he accidentally brushed against it again.
“I don’t want them to see me,” he whispered. Who the hell is “them”? I quickly looked around once more for any sign of them. Is it his boss? His ex-girlfriend? The FBI? This is ridiculous.
“Look, can you please—”
“You know, I was just thinking,” he interrupted, his head peeking out from under the corner. “If this actually works out between us, we shouldn’t tell people how we met.”
“We shouldn’t?”
“No, let’s just tell them we met at a coffee shop or something. That’s less weird.”
“Less weird,” I said as he popped back underneath. “Sure.”
BUZZ!
Speed Date #4
“So tell me, Leila, what are you looking for in a life partner?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Someone who’s smart.”
“Yes!” Suitor #4 whispered under his breath.
“Funny,” I said, pretending not to notice.
“Yes!” he whispered.
“Easy to talk to.”
“Yes!”
“Adventurous.”
“Yes!” I could sense the volume of excitement growing with each whisper until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m . . . I’m sorry, why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what?” He looked at me, confused.
“. . . Never mind.”
BUZZ!
Speed Date #5
“Hello, hello!”
“Hello.” I drew in a deep breath and smiled.
“How’s your evening going so far?”
“So far, okay. Yours?”
“Much better now!” Suitor #5 flashed me a confident grin. “So, what do you think of—” His phone began to ring. He pulled it out and glanced at the screen. “I’m sorry, this is my mother calling. Do you mind if I . . . ?” He pointed to the phone.
“Not at all.”
“Great, thanks!” He placed the phone to his ear. “Salaam, Ammi! No, I’m at the speed date now. Yes, in fact I’m sitting with someone now.” He looked across the table and smiled. “No, no, she’s very nice. Yes, she’s very pretty, masha’Allah,” he said, blushing. “Yes, I think you would like her . . . I don’t know, I was just about to ask her before you . . . Okay . . . Okay. Okay.” He covered the phone with his hand and turned to me. “She wants to talk to you.” He held out the phone. “Would you mind saying ‘Salaam’ to her?”
“. . . ”
BUZZ!
Speed Date #6
“So is this not going as well as you thought?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean, it doesn’t really look like you’re having a lot of fun.”
“No, I am.”
“I don’t believe you!” Suitor #6 persisted.
“I’m having a great time. Really,” I stated firmly.
“Let me see you smile then!”
“Excuse me?”
“Smile! It’s the only way I’ll believe that you’re having any fun!”
“Or you can just believe me because I said so?” I said, trying to mask my irritation.
“I don’t think I can do that, little lady.”
I cringed. “And why’s that?”
“Because of your face.” I scrunched my brows together. “Yeah, your face. It just doesn’t look like it’s having much fun.” Did this guy just tell me I didn’t have a fun face? How am I supposed to make my face look fun? Plaster confetti all over it?
I pressed my lips together and forced a small smile.
“There it is!” He slammed his palm against the table. “Now let’s have some fun!” He winked, grinning broadly.
BUZZ!
Speed Date #7
Suitor #7 sat down and barely said three words. Instead, he just stared at my breasts. I pulled the flaps of my jacket closer and tried to attempt a conversation.
“So, is this your first time dating . . . I mean, speed dating?”
“Hurrhhhh,” he muttered unintelligibly.
I took a sip of my water, unsure what to do. I looked over at Tania, expecting her to give me a sign that this was going as disastrously for her as it was for me. But instead, she was deeply immersed in a conversation with a well-dressed, bearded man. He was leaning in toward her, and they were laughing as if they had just shared an intimate joke. Tania was shyly touching her face, and the man was gazing directly into her eyes. I sighed, looking back at my date, who had now focused his entire attention on my left boob. I glanced at my watch, waiting intently for the buzzer.
BUZZ!
Speed Date #8
I watched as the bearded man said goodbye to Tania and made his way over to my side of the table. “Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” he replied as he glanced over at Tania once more, watching her as she introduced herself to the next suitor.
“So, your name is?” I said impatiently.
“Zeeshan,” he said, barely looking at me. He was so focused on Tania that he forgot to reciprocate the question.
“Well, I’m Leila, in case you were wondering.” He made a low, inaudible sound, his gaze still distracted. After about a minute of silence, I finally broke my composure. “You really like her, don’t you?”
“Who?” he asked, caught off guard as he turned to me for the first time. There was a look of sincerity in his dark brown eyes. I nodded my head to the right. “Oh, I mean . . .” He blushed and smiled bashfully.
“I don’t blame you; she is pretty great.”
He arched his eyebrows. “Do you know her?”
“Tania? Yeah, she’s one of my best friends.” I smiled as he glanced over at her again.
“Do you think she— I mean do you know if maybe . . . I don’t know . . .” He trailed off nervously. I looked at Tania and noticed her peering at Zeeshan too.
“I have a feeling she might . . . you know.”
“Really?” He beamed and leaned back in his chair. “Cool.”
BUZZ!
As Zeeshan got up to move to the next table, I motioned for Tania’s attention and gave her a quick thumbs-up. She stared at me, confused, but then I pointed to Zeeshan and wiggled my brows up and down. Her face reddened as she smiled. I glimpsed at my watch once more. Almost done, I thought.
Speed Date #9
“Hey, so since we don’t have much time, let me tell you about myself,” Suitor #9 said before he even sat down. “I was in born in Kansas in 1982. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Kansas? And before
you say anything, let me just tell you that Kansas has a lot more to offer than just wheat and sunflowers! I went to this private day school in Atchison. Fun fact: it was the same school that Amelia Earhart attended until she was twelve—”
“That is interesting,” I tried to break in. “But since we’ve only got seven minutes, maybe you can skip the early years and tell me more about—”
“So when I was fourteen, my family moved to Fort Dodge, Iowa. Now, if you thought Kansas was an interesting place for a little brown boy like myself, wait until you hear about Iowa—”
“Actually, we could probably skip your teenage years as well—”
“My sophomore year, I joined the Math Olympiads, and boy was that a trip! During our first competition, Jonathan De Russo . . .”
I glanced at the clock. For the next three minutes, Suitor #9 continued to talk nonstop—his words hitting me like a bullet train. He told me about his first crush, his delayed puberty, his sex-addicted roommate in college. With the minutes ticking down, I eventually exploded.
“Are you even the slightest bit interested in anything I have to say?”
“I’m so sorry!” he said, taken aback. It was the first second of silence we had gotten since the moment he sat down. “Of course, you’re right! I’m so sorry! I really am!”
“It’s okay.” I relaxed a bit. I hadn’t meant to be so blunt, but since he seemed genuinely sorry, I decided to let it slide. “Well,” I began as Suitor #9 pulled out a pad of paper and a pen from the inside pocket of his blazer. “I teach high school English. I’m an only child, and I’ve lived in L.A. my whole life.” I noticed him jotting down notes. I tried to continue as normal, but my curiosity finally got the best of me. “What are you doing?” I asked, pointing to his pad.
“Oh.” Suitor #9 looked up, smiling sheepishly. “I’m just writing down all the things I want to tell you when it’s my turn to talk again.”
I placed my head in my hands and silently prayed for the night to be over. This was not at all what I’d had in mind.
BUZZ!
Speed Date #10
“Last but not least.” Suitor #10 smiled, taking a seat. “So what does a pretty girl like you do?”
“I’m a teacher. What about you?”
“I’m an engineer,” he said, still smiling. “Original, I know.”
I laughed. “Where do you work?”
“I’m actually in between jobs right now.”
I lifted my brows.
“It’s a long story,” he said, waving his hand. “But my work visa expired recently, so I’m not able to work per se.”
“Oh. I see.”
“That’s kind of why I’m here.”
“In L.A.?”
“No, at this speed dating event.” He leaned in. “I need to find a solution, quick.” He laughed nervously.
“Oh,” I said, taking a sip of my water. I had heard about “status seekers” from Tania before. How these men often made the rounds, searching for women who would help them live out their American dreams in exchange for money or jewelry or companionship. Unfortunately for Suitor #10, I was not interested in a business transaction. I was looking for a husband. A husband who found me more attractive than my blue passport.
As Suitor #10 spent the next few minutes attempting to pitch me a sale, my mind began to drift. Two months ago, I was spending my weekends hiking and shopping and hanging out with my friends. Now I was sitting here at this lame event trying to remember the last time I had had any fun. Another Saturday totally wasted. From a distance, I could hear the sound of the final buzzer.
“Well, it was very nice meeting you, Leila. I’m glad they saved you for last.”
“Ditto.” I smiled back politely. “You were definitely the perfect way to end this night,” I muttered under my breath as I got up.
As Mr. Status Seeker walked away, I picked up my index card and wrote a giant NOPE across the top. Then I drew a dark vertical line through each guy’s name, and handed it to the aunty, who was making her way past each table with an eager smile. I waited for Tania to finish so we could walk out together.
The night was cool as we stepped outside. A safe distance from the building, I finally turned toward Tania expressing my frustration. “Oh my goodness. Could that have gone any worse? I mean, are there no normal guys in this city anymore?”
Tania remained silent. She was staring straight ahead with a small smile across her face.
“Helloooo. Are you even listening to me?” I snapped my fingers in front of her.
“Yeah!” she exclaimed, finally making eye contact. “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I guess I just didn’t think they were that bad.”
“Not that bad?! Seriously?” I asked, confounded. She had this weird, dazed look in her eyes. “What is with you?”
“Nothing,” she said defensively, still smiling.
“Are you thinking about that guy with the beard?”
“Zeeshan,” she said, her smile spreading into a grin. I hit her on the arm. She flushed a deep pink and turned away.
As Tania gushed about how quickly she and Zeeshan had hit it off and how she hoped he had selected yes for her too because she really wanted to see him again, I checked my phone to see two missed calls from my mother. My heart felt heavy with disappointment. I knew she was going to ask me about my night as soon as I got home, and I really wished I had better news.
I looked over at Tania. I hadn’t seen her this excited about a guy . . . ever. After everything she had been through in her past, she was more deserving of finding love than anyone, and I was glad she had made that connection. But her excitement just highlighted the fact that I had yet to feel the same way. Not once in this entire process had I felt the giddiness that she was experiencing now. That’s what love is supposed to feel like, right? I knew that the more dates I went on, the greater my chances would be of finding the one I was meant to be with. But as I listened to Tania recount every detail from her seven minutes with Zeeshan on the drive home, I was starting to wonder if a real connection was ever going to happen for me.
Summer Lovin’
School was finally out for the summer. After saying goodbye to the last of my students, I settled at my desk, grading papers and submitting final grades. Halfway through my third stack of essays, I heard a knock on my classroom door. “Come in,” I called out from behind a pile of papers. It was Tania.
She greeted me cheerily as she walked in carrying two iced tea lattes.
“Hey! I thought we were meeting at the Twisted Olive?” I said, glancing at the clock hanging above the door. My friends and I were going out tonight to celebrate the end of the school year, but also—and more importantly—to discuss the major problem we were facing (and by we I meant me). We were a month and a half into my three-month window, and I had yet to find a decent prospect. Time was slipping by, and we needed to come up with a solution. Fast.
“Happy last day of school!” Tania raised a celebratory cup and placed it on my desk, the condensation from the ice creating a circular ring on the wooden surface. “I just thought you could use a break,” she said, pulling up a chair next to me.
“Great!” I pushed my laptop in her direction. “I was just thinking about getting a cat. What do you think of this one?” I asked, clicking on a picture of an orange tabby from the local shelter. “I’m wondering, does this face scream ‘cat lady’ or whisper it, because you know how I prefer subtlety,” I said, taking a sip of my drink.
“Stop.” She rolled her eyes and jabbed me with her elbow.
“Ouch!”
She laughed, elbowing me again. Her usually reserved disposition was much more sprightly these days.
“So what’s new with you, Ms. Sunshine?”
Tania shrugged. “Nothing.” She said with a playful smile.
“How are things with you and Zeeshan?”
“They’re good,” she said, her cheeks turning the same hue as the roses on her blouse. “We went out for dinner again l
ast night.”
“And?” I leaned in, prying inquisitively. From what I had heard, the two of them had either met or spoken to each other every day since the speed dating event last weekend. It sounded like things were getting serious fairly quickly.
“And, he’s great.” She beamed.
“Tania!” I cried. “This is so exciting! Do you think he might be . . . you know? The one?”
“I mean, it’s too soon to tell but—I really like him.” She sighed.
“That’s great news . . . right?”
“It’s just we haven’t exactly had the talk yet.”
“Ohhhh.” I leaned back in my chair.
We both knew how judgmental the South Asian community was. Particularly toward divorced women. Once a woman had that stigma attached to her, regardless of the circumstances, it was almost impossible to change people’s opinions of her, especially as a prospect for marriage. As tough as it was for me to find a husband at the “ripe” age of twenty-six, I knew that Tania’s situation was even tougher because of her past.
“Maybe you shouldn’t say anything yet,” I finally said. “It’s only been a week. Get to know him a little more, and when you feel comfortable, then you should let him know. If he’s as great as you say he is, it might not even be a problem.”
“You think?” She bit her bottom lip. I could tell she really wanted to believe me, but the tone of her voice indicated that she wasn’t quite convinced. “You know, I actually came here for another reason. I wanted to talk to you about something before we met up with Hannah and Liv.”
“Oh?” I looked at her quizzically. “Did you rob a bank? Are you looking for an alibi? Do you need to flee the country? Because with everything going on around here, I might not be opposed to it.”
She shook her head. “Leila, I wanted to talk to you about your situation.”
My situation?
I pushed the laptop aside to let her know that she had my full attention.
“I think it’s good that you’re putting yourself out there and have been open to speed dating events and dating online. I know this is hard.” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “Believe me, I know. But sometimes I feel like you might be making things harder for yourself.”