Taming Chaos

by Lynne St. James

  Shaking my head, I tried to figure out where it’d all gone wrong. The sound check was great, but I was thirsty from the hotdog I’d had for lunch and went back to the dressing room to get some water. She must have seen me leave and decided to follow me.

  Her first push had taken me by surprise. I knocked over a bunch of the bottles that had been stacked on the table as I tried to hold my balance. When I turned to see who it was, she slapped me across the face. My mother didn’t raise me to take shit from anyone, and I grabbed a fistful of her hair and smacked her back. Her eyes widened in surprise, she definitely hadn’t expected me to fight back. It was really the only thing that saved me though. She was stronger, and we both knew it. She pushed me into the wall and scratched anything she could. I tried to kick her legs out from under her, but she grabbed me and we both fell. She punched me in the mouth, and I pulled some of her hair out, then punched her in the boobs. She was about to punch me in the face again when Chaos walked in. I vaguely remembered hearing his voice, then he was pulling her off me.

  I didn’t expect the notebook shit though. If Joe had been in the bus she’d have never gotten away with it, but oh well. I should have told Chaos last night, but work was not on my mind. Now instead of being sore from making love all night, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. I guess I had, Sweets the fuckin’ redheaded truck from hell. Sore, bruised with a bloody lip, and in a cab traveling back home to New York. Shit. It had been so good last night. How could it have turned to shit so fast?

  Fuckin’ bitch, that’s how. As much as I wanted it to be, it wasn’t all her fault. He accused me of stealing his songs. How could he? Obviously, I’d fooled myself into believing he was starting to really care about me. Maybe I was the ass.

  He had to realize she was jealous. Or was he just too stupid to see she was in love with him. Everyone else saw it. She can have him, they deserve each other.

  The buzz of my cell phone interrupted my thoughts—it was Chaos. Not only no but hell no. You could go to hell buddy. I turned the phone off and shoved it back into my purse. I was so tired all of a sudden and sore, I wished my mom was still alive. I needed one of her hugs. They fixed everything, well almost, but she could always make me smile no matter how bad things seemed. Things fuckin’ sucked now. I concentrated hard on not crying, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction even if he couldn’t see me.

  Of all my aches, the worst was my heart. How could I have fallen for him so quickly or at all? He was everything I’d stayed away from. I hadn’t even dated the band dudes in high school or college. I wanted no part of a man in music for just this reason. Yeah, yesterday and last night were amazing. He was so different when we were alone. It must’ve been an act, probably trying to convince me to help him with Symmetry. Well he was shit out of luck now. I’d write their songs the way I wanted and turn them in, then quit the freakin’ job—promise or no promise—then I’d apply for kindergarten positions. By fall next year, I should be teaching a bunch of cute little kids and this could all be a bad memory. Except he wouldn’t be easy to forget, ever.

  Plans made I tried to convince myself this was for the best. Better to be angry than hurt. I tried to hold on to it, but by the time we’d pulled up in front of my building all I wanted to do was climb into bed and cry. Why had I fallen in love with him? Why? I knew better. Now after showing his true colors it felt like he’d ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it into a blood splatter on the floor.

  Opening the door to my loft, I was greeted by Sylvester and Michelle. I didn’t say anything when she gasped at how I looked, just bent over and rubbed my kitty.

  “What the fuck happened to you? And why didn’t you answer your phone?”

  “Because I shut it off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

  Shaking her head she followed me into the kitchen. It was my routine, I came home I went to the kitchen to feed Sylvester, except she’d already fed him. He didn’t need me, no one did. That one small thing was all it took and I slid to the floor, I’d gone as far as I could and held back the tears for as long as possible, but it was over.

  Tears ran down my cheeks, hot, salty, and stinging where I’d been scratched. Holding my head in my hands I cried my heart out, gasping for air and hiccupping with the force of my sobs. I cried for the love that was forever lost, and for being so stupid as to trust.

  Michelle sat down on the floor, wrapped her arms around me, and let me cry it out, handing me a dishtowel for the tears. Crying was messy, anyone who believed otherwise was stupid, and I was already covered in dirt and blood, which was now joined by streaks of mascara running down my cheeks.

  I don’t know how long we sat there but eventually the hiccups slowed down and the tears dried up. Tilting my head back against the cabinet, I was totally drained. I didn’t think I had the energy to stand let alone take a shower. My heart hurt, or at least the hole where it used to be hurt, I didn’t think I had one any more. The tears started again, slowly sliding down my cheeks leaving more trails, and sadder if that makes any sense at all.

  “Cyn, what happened?” Michelle asked for the third time as she helped me off the floor. Picking up my suitcase, she dragged it and me to the bedroom. “Eric called me and said you were probably on your way home.”

  “Who’s Eric?”

  “Flame?”

  Oh yeah. Damn, I didn’t want to think about Raining Chaos—any of them—it made me think of HIM.

  “Did he tell you what happened?”

  “No. He didn’t know. Said there had been some kind of fight and Chaos was drunk and Wrath was pissed, and Sweets, Candy, and you had all taken off but not together.”

  Chaos was drunk? Why would he get drunk? Why did I care? Stupid question…why was I crying was a better question. He didn’t deserve my tears. “Yeah there was a fight alright. The bitch, Sweets, came after me in the dressing room after the sound check. I got her pretty good too. I bet she has a black eye tomorrow.”

  Michelle looked shocked, she’d never seen this side of me either, but I’d only known her since college when I stopped having to fight kids in the playground for picking on me because I didn’t have a dad.

  “Shit, girl. You’re full of surprises aren’t you?”

  “No not really.” I didn’t want to think about the rest of it, the tears were starting again and I just wanted to be left alone. “Can we not talk about this now? I really want to take a shower and just go to bed.”

  “No problem. I’m going to stay here just in case you need something, okay?”

  I tried to smile at her but I couldn’t do it, I was just so overwhelmingly sad, it was like losing my mother all over again, the sadness was everywhere. “Thank you. I’ll be fine but you can stay.”

  Nodding, she gave me another hug, picked up my suitcase and moved it off the bed and left the room.

  I wanted to shower, I really did, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand up. If my mirror hadn’t been across from the bed I probably would have climbed under the covers and tried to forget about everything. The mirror taunted me though, I saw my face, and I scared myself. Blood, dirt, mascara, eye shadow, and bruises. Forcing myself to get up I took the hottest shower I could stand, and went to put on my favorite nightshirt, that’s when I realized it was my oversized Raining Chaos t-shirt.

  One look at the shirt in my hands and the tears started falling again. I threw it across the room and grabbed a plain white t-shirt before climbing between the covers, grabbing my stuffed Eeyore and hugging him close. Sylvester jumped up on the bed and purred as he did his happy feet thing against my tummy before curling up and lying down with me. Thank God for unconditional love. Sniffling back tears again I closed my eyes and tried to make the world go away for a while.

  I must have slept, because when I opened my eyes it was dark. I could hear Michelle’s voice in the other room. My stomach grumbled but I wasn’t hungry, and I was tempted to stay in bed, but my body demanded I get up and pee. Since I was already up, I brushed
my teeth and hair and went to find Michelle.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chaos

  Somehow we managed to get through the freakin’ show. I don’t know how. Sweets and Candy were gone and we had no idea where they were. Cynda was gone, I knew why she left and I should be fuckin’ happy, but I wasn’t. I had the horrible feeling I’d made a huge fuckin’ mistake.

  I went back to the bus as soon as the show was over, leaving the guys to party with everyone. We were leaving for Virginia and the next tour stop as soon as everyone was back on the bus.

  Joe and Terrance went out looking for the girls, luckily with all of their tweets it wasn’t hard to track to them down. Candy should have been a news reporter. She couldn’t sneeze without fucking tweeting about it. Once I knew they were on the way back I felt a little better. I’d tried to call Cynda but I kept getting frigging voicemail.

  It was late but I wanted to make sure she was safe, so I tried again, and once again I got her voicemail. Listening to her soft voice I waited for the beep.

  “Cynda, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You didn’t have to leave like that. I’d appreciate it if you would give me a call.” I tried to be pleasant, I knew I should have apologized but I couldn’t, not yet. I needed fucking answers, from her or somewhere, I couldn’t just fuckin’ forget what happened. Hopefully she’d call me in the morning, if not, I’d have Flame call Michelle again to see if she’d turned up there. I shouldn’t care, right? She’d betrayed me? Or had she? Sally said I jumped to conclusions, had I this time? So many times in my life shit happened and it was exactly like it looked, I’d learned to freaking expect it. Was I wrong? Sighing, I didn’t know what to do but my head felt like someone was banging on it with a fuckin’ hammer.

  I went through the first aid kit and had just found the aspirin when Joe and Terrance came in with the girls. As soon as Sweets saw me she tried to turn around and get off the bus.

  “Wait, Sweets, Tammy…” She stopped when I said Tammy. We didn’t use our birth names much since we’d started the band, except when we were really serious about something.

  ‘What?” Her blue eyes were filled with tears and anger and I felt like shit that I’d hurt her. How did things get so fucked up?

  “Please sit down, we need to talk, you too, Candy.”

  Candy nodded and pulled out a chair sitting at the small table. Sweets hesitated but then sat down. I popped a couple of aspirin and took a swig of water, then sat with them.

  “I’m sorry, I hate that I hurt you, but you’re like a sister to me. It’s always been that way, and it will always be that way, nothing more nothing fucking less.”

  Sweets just watched me, she looked so sad. Candy grabbed her sister’s hand and gave it a squeeze. It was easy to forget they were sisters since they looked nothing alike. Sweets was outgoing, with lots of curves that she liked to show off and long red hair, Candy was small with brown hair and pale blue eyes.

  “We’re a family. I don’t want to break us up, but I am not in love with you, I do love you—both of you, you’re family. Can’t that be enough?”

  “I don’t know. Why won’t you give us a chance?”

  “I know you think you’re in love with me, but I think when you meet the man you’re really meant to be with you’ll forget all about me.”

  Candy nodded, “That’s what I was telling her.”

  “Tonight’s show wasn’t the same without you. The crowds were calling for you too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, just ask anyone. They’ll tell you.”

  They looked at each other for a bit, maybe they had some kind of fuckin’ sister talk, I don’t know.

  “You’re going to be even more pissed at me though.”

  “Why? What else is going on?”

  Sweets looked uncomfortable, and it was clear she didn’t want to tell me.

  Candy pushed her, “You have to tell him.”

  “Fine, I tweeted about it all, and even put a picture up of how I looked after the fight.”

  “You did what?” Fuck. What was she thinking? Holy fucking shit this was going to be a huge mess. “What did you Tweet about?”

  “Only that Cynda stole your songs and beat me up.”

  I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t look at her. She was right I was even more pissed, but it was my fault. I was older, I should have known better. She thought she was doing the right thing, I think. Unless she’s just using all of this. Damn, I can’t even think straight anymore.

  “Fuck.” I took a deep breath, trying to calm my temper. I felt like I was talking to a little kid, and maybe that’s the problem. She was only twenty-two, maybe all of us had sheltered her too much once she got to the Sherman’s. “Can you at least delete the picture?”

  “Yeah.” She pulled out her phone and clicked away. “Okay, it’s gone.”

  “What about the tweet, can you delete it?”

  “Yeah, but if people have seen it, and I know they have, it’s been liked and retweeted a shitload, it won’t matter.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Why not? She lied to us all.”

  “But we don’t know that for sure, I was too pissed to listen, maybe there was a good reason for it.”

  Joe came out from the front of the bus. He looked upset, but I didn’t know what else I could handle.

  “If you’re talking about the song, then yeah, you’re wrong.”

  I heard the words but they weren’t sinking in. “What do you mean? Do you know what she was doing?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  Obviously I was going to have to play dentist and pull it out of him like a bad tooth. “Will you tell me…us?”

  He sighed and looked like he didn’t want to say anything. She must have asked him to keep it a secret. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I can’t have you believing she was going to steal from you. She heard you writing the song the other night when she was trying to get to sleep. She said it was the most beautiful thing you’d ever written and the words came to her, she couldn’t stop writing. She wanted to surprise you with the finished lyrics.”

  “You know this for sure?”

  “Yeah, I’ve even heard her sing them. Her voice is like an angel, but not surprising considering her who father is.”

  “Her father?” Now I was really confused. She never mentioned anyone other than her mother.

  “Her father is Preston Mitchell. The singer and songwriter for The Hurricanes.”

  “No fucking way.” Preston Mitchell had been one of my idols growing up, he’s the reason I started writing songs. Cyn’s his daughter? Why hadn’t she told me?

  Joe nodded. “Yeah, it’s kind of a long story but it’s hers to tell, I really can’t say anymore.”

  “I understand I think. Fuck. How am I going to fix this?”

  Candy hugged her sister, trying to calm her down since she was crying again, but Sweets was losing it fast. “I’m sorry, Chaos. I didn’t know. I thought…oh my God I’ve fucked everything up. Everyone who sees my tweet is gonna think she stole some of your songs. I fucked up so bad.”

  Yeah she did and they were, but I didn’t know how the fuck I was going to fix it.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Cynda

  Michelle was on the phone when I came out so I went looking for coffee. I still wasn’t hungry even with my stomach growling, but maybe if I drank some coffee I’d feel better—or at least warmer. While I made a pot Sylvester kept me company, rubbing along my legs and purring, but he couldn’t make me smile either, even when he stood up leaning on the counter begging for treats.

  I knew from when mom died this numbness would eventually fade away, and I hoped like hell it didn’t take as long this time. “I hardly knew him, so why does it hurt so much?”

  “Maybe, because the bastard turned on you.”

  Startled, I knocked my mug off the counter and it smashed on the floor. “Damn, I didn’t hear you come i
n.”

  “It’s okay, you were in another world. I’m guessing the one where Chaos lives?”

  I nodded and bent down to pick up the broken pieces, pushing Sylvester away from the sharp ceramic remains. Looking at it on the floor it kind of reminded me of my heart, smashed to pieces. Nope I’m not going there, he’s not worth it.

  “Yeah, I guess I was.” Tossing the pieces into the trash I grabbed another mug and poured a cup of coffee. Holding the hot cup took the edge off the chill I’d been feeling since getting out of bed. “Do you want a cup?”

  “No thanks. I plan on sleeping tonight at some point.”

  “Funny. I think I’m done.”

  “Want to talk about it now?”

  Did I want to? No definitely not. Would I? Yeah, she was my bestie, of course I’d tell her. Besides, she wouldn’t stop bugging me until I told her everything. Grabbing the mug I went into the living room. The apartment was mostly open—my mother had it converted from her art studio before I was born and it was the only home I’d ever known. I loved the openness usually, but right now it was too big, I wanted small, enclosed, dark, alone.

  The stars twinkled in the night sky as I stood there sipping the coffee and looking out onto the city that never slept. Everything was normal…everything but me. Ugh…I sounded like a bad romance novel. I needed to snap out of it and decided at that moment I’d tell Michelle everything then it’d be done. I’d fold it up into a little box, lock it away, and move on with the life I should have already been living. Yup, it sounded like a great idea to me.

  As usual we sat at opposite ends of the couch leaning against the arms with our knees drawn up against our chins. We’d shared just about everything in our lives on that couch for almost five years, and now there would be another night of tears, ice cream, and chick flicks.

  “That was Eric on the phone. He found out some more shit and called to tell me. He also let Chaos know you were here. The fucktard was worried about you.”