by Beth Wiseman
Dear Lord,
Please help me to get rid of the anger in my heart about this move and accept it as Your will for me. I pray that this will be a good move for all of us, at least until I can save enough money to return home, to Lancaster County. Lord, I pray for my new friend Emily. I fear she’s been hurt in a bad way, and ask You to wrap Your loving arms around her and comfort her. And extra blessings for Aenti Katie Ann and Onkel Ivan.
KATIE ANN HANDED Ivan a cup of warm milk that she’d heated on top of the stove.
“You didn’t need to go out in this cold just to get me some milk.” Ivan accepted the cup, blew on the hot liquid, then took a sip.
“I don’t mind.” She sat down beside Ivan on the couch and put her hand on his knee. It was a big gesture for her, since she’d avoided any contact with him since the day she saw him kiss the Englisch woman Lucy Turner. Ivan set his cup down on the table next to the couch, picked up his Bible, and pulled the lantern to the edge of the table. He didn’t even notice that she was making an effort. She gingerly ran her hand back and forth across his knee, and she thought about how long it had been since they’d been intimate. Nearly six months. She’d given up conceiving a child long before that, and tonight wasn’t about that. She wanted to feel close to her husband again, to somehow move past the pain they’d inflicted on each other.
Katie Ann knew that her failure to give Ivan a child had weighed more heavily on her mind than on his. Repeatedly, Ivan had told her that it was just God’s will for them not to have a family, and that they would be happy, just the two of them. More than once, she’d screamed at him, told him she could never be happy with just him, with no children of her own—a real family. And she’d meant it. For years, she and Ivan had drifted apart. Conversation was kept to a minimum, and each had their own interests. Unfortunately, his included Lucy Turner.
When Ivan didn’t respond to her tender caresses, Katie Ann eased her hand away from him. Her eyes drifted to his face, and if he would only look at her, he’d see the longing in her eyes. But he didn’t raise his eyes from the Bible. Look at me, Ivan.
She yawned, covered her mouth, then mumbled, “I’m tired. Are you ready for bed?”
They seldom went to bed at the same time anymore. Ivan often stayed up reading in the den until long after Katie Ann was asleep, and that had been fine by her. But in this new place called Canaan, she hoped for a new beginning, a chance for them to renew their love and start fresh. Perhaps now that she had accepted her life without a child in it, maybe she could shed the anger she felt and be close to her husband again. And forgive his intimate encounters with Lucy. Ivan promised her that all he’d shared with Lucy were several lunches and a few stolen kisses. But she still felt betrayed.
“I’m going to read for a while yet.” Ivan didn’t look at her.
“Fine.” She abruptly stood up. She walked around two boxes still needing to be unpacked, then marched up the first two steps before she swung around and walked back down. “Ivan . . .”
He lowered the Bible and raised his brows. Katie Ann fought the resentment bubbling to the surface by taking a deep breath. She wasn’t quite ready to give up. “Maybe—maybe you’d like to come to bed now?” She paused, her eyes pleading with him. “With me.” She was hoping Ivan couldn’t see her flushed cheeks in the dimly lit room. She bit her bottom lip and waited for an answer.
“I’ll be up shortly.” He offered her a weak smile, then buried his head again in the Good Book. She was humiliated, but determined to stay hopeful. She turned and hurried up the stairs.
After a quick bath, she pulled a tube of store-bought lotion from the top drawer of her nightstand. A vendor at the Bird-In-Hand market back in Lancaster County sold the flowery scent, and it was a luxury she’d finally allowed herself. She spread it generously up and down her arms, careful not to get the purple cream on her long white nightgown. Vanity and pride were forbidden, but on this night, she wasn’t thinking about those things. Tonight she wanted to smell—and look—good for her husband.
When she was done, she lay down in the bed and pulled the covers snugly around her neck. The small propane heater on her nightstand did little to warm her. She needed her husband for that. She closed her eyes and envisioned the last time they made love, but when the image blurred, she realized that for years it had never been about the lovemaking, only the baby making, which never happened. Tonight she wanted it to just be her and Ivan, without thoughts of conception, or of stolen kisses with Lucy Turner. And she knew that if she was truly going to open herself up to a new beginning with her husband, she was going to have to forgive Ivan for his indiscretions. So she waited.
And waited. As her lids grew heavy, she glanced at the clock. It had been over an hour since she came upstairs.
KATIE ANN OPENED her eyes seven hours later, and even in the darkness of the early morning, she could see that Ivan was not beside her. Did he even come to bed last night?
She dressed, then went downstairs carrying her lantern. Her heart was heavy as feelings of hopefulness about this new beginning seemed to be slipping away.
“I didn’t hear you come to bed last night.” She was surprised to see the coffee already made and Ivan at the kitchen table, casually sipping from his favorite green mug and reading The Budget—as if he hadn’t a care in the world.
Ivan pushed his reading glasses up on his nose. “Do you remember Edwin Yoder, my cousin from Sugarcreek?” He kept his head buried in the newspaper.
Ivan usually scanned the general updates to see if anyone he knew had posted a memo about current events, then he would read through the obituaries. In many ways, The Budget was their only way of keeping up with relatives who didn’t live nearby, and of course, both she and Ivan were interested in the happenings back in Paradise.
She nodded her head in response to his question, even though he’d ignored her comment. She poured herself a cup of coffee and joined him at the kitchen table. “Ya, I remember him. It’s been years since we’ve seen him and his family.”
Ivan pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. “He’s dead. Died of a heart attack recently.”
“Ach, no. I wonder why we haven’t received word from Sarah. Maybe a letter is on the way.” Katie Ann shook her head. “We should pray for the family.”
“Ya.” Ivan bowed his head with her, then he looked up and took a deep breath. “He wasn’t much older than I am.”
“I know.”
“Just goes to show you that you should live each and every day to the fullest.”
Katie Ann bit her bottom lip for a moment and she twisted her coffee cup in her hands. “That’s what I want us to do, Ivan. Live each day to the fullest.” She smiled as she set her cup down on the table.
“We are.” Ivan put his glasses back on and once again buried his head in the newspaper, reading about what people in Amish and Mennonite communities across the country were doing. Didn’t he see what was happening right here, in his own home?
“Ivan?”
“Ya.”
She waited until he put the paper down on the table and gave her his full attention. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Then why can’t you look me in the eye when you say it?
“I reckon I’ll start breakfast. What would you like? I can scramble us some eggs, or I can just make us some kaffi soup.” She stood up from the table and put on her apron.
“It doesn’t matter to me.”
Does anything matter to you? “Eggs I guess, then.” She walked to the refrigerator and found a few eggs, then began cracking them into a bowl. “I’ll be glad when we have our own chickens again. These store-bought eggs are nothing like fresh eggs. The yolks are light yellow, just not fresh. I can always tell the difference, can’t you?”
He gave a nod. “Uh-huh.”
“What are your plans today? With this weather, I reckon we can finish unpacking.”
“Ya. We can do that.”
She fought the knot in
her throat and swallowed hard as she stirred the eggs. “Or . . .” She spun around to face him. “We could do something that we haven’t done in years.”
“What’s that?”
Katie Ann wanted to yank the newspaper away from his face, but instead she took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “We could just—just stay in bed all day. Remember when we were first married, the day everyone was snowed in? No one could get out, and we just stayed in bed all day.” She waited for him to look at her. When he didn’t, she boldly went on. “We just made love all day long.”
“We’re not snowed in.”
Her eyes welled with tears. “Look at me, Ivan.”
He folded the paper, placed it on the table, then folded his hands on top of it. “Why are you yelling?”
“I’m not yelling. I just want you to look at me.” Egg dripped from the wooden spoon and onto the floor as she spoke.
Ivan put his glasses on the table and for the first time this morning, he looked into her eyes. “What is it, Katie Ann?”
“I’m asking you if you want to spend the day with me. Like—like we did that day we were snowed in so long ago.” She held her breath.
“We’re not snowed in and—”
“I know that, Ivan.” She put the spoon on the counter, then moved a few steps toward him. “And I know there is much work to be done around here. But I’m asking you if you want to spend the day together . . .” She paused as she blinked back tears, which only made her feel pitiful and ridiculous. But she pressed on. “Just you and me. Making love all day.”
Ivan raised his hand to his forehead, and Katie Ann wondered if he was going to rub the skin off as his hand went back and forth. “I thought we’d been through all this, that we were going to stop trying to have a baby. It’s just not in God’s plan, Katie Ann.”
She sat down across the table from him. “I’m not talking about trying to make a baby, Ivan. I’m talking about a husband and wife spending the day together, just loving each other.” She reached for his hand, then squeezed. “This is a new beginning for us. I want to spend time in your arms, in this new place, in our bed.”
Ivan raised his shoulders, then dropped them slowly. “Okay.”
Katie Ann felt like she’d been punched in the gut. She wasn’t asking him to perform a mediocre chore, but to love her the way she longed to be loved. Instead, his response signified about as much excitement as hauling the trash to the burn pile. She let go of his hand and sighed.
“What now? I said okay.” He raised his brows, the irritation in his voice evident.
“Forget it, Ivan. Just forget it.” She eased out of the chair and went to the stove. After she dumped the eggs into the skillet, she stared out the window at the snow falling in heavy blankets all around them. They didn’t need mounds of snow to keep them isolated from the world, or each other. They’d managed to isolate themselves from each other a long time ago. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her husband reading the newspaper.
Six
EMILY WOKE UP THANKSGIVING DAY MISSING HER friends and family back home in Middlefield. It would be the first Thanksgiving she’d ever had without her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. But Mamm had put the turkey in the oven the night before, the way she’d always done, and this morning the aroma filled Emily’s mind with recollections of holidays gone by. Times when her heart was filled with peace, her future hopeful.
She rolled onto her side in the bed and snuggled beneath her quilt as her thoughts turned to David. She hadn’t seen him since Sunday, but Mamm had said his family would be arriving in time for the noon meal. Emily knew she needed to crawl out of bed, get dressed, and go downstairs to help with preparations. Just a few more minutes.
Her heart fluttered when she thought about seeing him. He’d quickly gone from someone she feared to someone she wanted to know better, and that frightened her. She’d been focused on healing and establishing new goals for herself, and to develop a crush on David Stoltzfus would hinder her progress and set her up for much heartache. David could have any girl in the community he wanted, and Emily knew she was unworthy of his affections.
She thought about how attentive he’d been at the singing on Sunday, the way she caught him gazing at her when he thought she wasn’t looking. But he’d said he didn’t want to date her, so she was worrying for nothing. She threw back the covers and sat on the side of her bed. Then she recited her morning prayer, the same way she’d done her entire life.
Good morning, Lord. You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I come to ask You, God, if You’ll renew me too? Forgive the many errors that I made yesterday and let me try again, dear God, to walk closer in Thy way. But, Father, I am well aware I can’t make it on my own, so take my hand and hold it tight, for I can’t walk alone.
In the past, she would have followed the prayer up with personal devotion and one-on-one communion with God, but she climbed out of bed instead. She tried again to recall the last time she’d heard the tiny voice that she knew to be God. Flashes of James were almost instant, and she fought to steady her heartbeat as she put on a dark green dress. She smoothed the wrinkles and realized that she hadn’t heard the voice since before the attack. Seems like God should be here for me now, more than ever.
She pulled on her black tights, then sat on the bed to tie her shoes. A flurry of mixed emotions filled her head this morning. She was looking forward to seeing David, but apprehension raced through her every time she allowed herself to fantasize about something more than friendship with him. He’d made it very clear that friendship was all he had to offer, and that was all Emily had to give.
She tied her prayer covering and went down the stairs to find Betsy sitting at the kitchen table while her mother was scurrying around the kitchen.
“Emily, you’re late. I need some help in here.” Mamm spoke the words as if she was scolding Emily, but a smile was stretched across her face. “Now, come over here and test this dressing.” Mamm pulled the oven open and scooped a spoonful from inside the cavity of the turkey. She pushed the spoon toward Emily’s mouth.
“Wait, Mamm. It’s hot.” Emily leaned her face away while Mamm blew on the spoon.
“Here, try it now.”
Dressing had always been her mother’s specialty, and she’d made it every year for as long as Emily could remember, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and for their entire extended family. Lots of families in Middlefield had adjusted their traditions over the years, opting to have something other than turkey for Christmas, since they’d just had it for Thanksgiving. Plus, weddings were always in November and December, and turkey roast was served after the ceremonies. Emily was sick of turkey by Christmas each year and wished her mother would consider a change in tradition. Not Mamm. She wouldn’t hear of it. “It wouldn’t be Christmas without turkey and dressing,” she’d said.
“Gut, no?” Mamm’s left brow lifted as she waited for Emily to finish chewing.
“Ya, Mamm. It’s fine.” Emily rolled her eyes. “It’s always fine.”
Her mother breathed a sigh of relief, then returned to the stove and began stirring some green beans in a pot.
Betsy looked up from a book she was reading. “I’m going to be vega . . . vegetarian when I am a grown person.”
Emily grinned as she pulled apples and oranges from the refrigerator for a fruit salad. She glanced to the left so she wouldn’t miss the reaction from her mother.
“Betsy Ann, you will do no such thing.” Mamm spun around to face Betsy, her hands on her hips. “What are you reading? I reckon it’s not from the approved list.”
“Ya, Mamm. It is.” Betsy’s big brown eyes grew round. “The boy, Ben, in this book is a vegetarian.” Betsy nodded her head once for effect. “It’s more healthy to be one of those.”
Mamm shook her head. “It wonders me, is nothing safe in this world anymore? A gut Christian book about a ten-year-old boy who finds the Lord, and yet . . . he has to be a vegetarian?” Ma
mm slapped her hands down to her sides. “Not for you, Betsy. You would miss meat. And meat has protein. It’s gut for you.”
“I’m gonna be one anyway.” Betsy closed the book and stood from the table. “When will everyone be here?”
“Around eleven is what Lillian said.” Mamm turned to Emily. “Lillian said that she thinks David has sure taken a fancy to you. Evidently, he has mentioned your name several times, and—”
“We’re just friends, Mamm.” Emily knew that her father would reprimand her for taking such a sharp tone with her mother, something she’d been guilty of too often lately, but she could see her daed and her brothers through the window, shoveling the snow from the sidewalk. “Don’t push about this.”
“He just seems like such a nice young man, Emily. Maybe you should give him a chance.” Mamm lowered the fire under the beans.
“David Stoltzfus has no interest in dating me, so you’re wasting your time being hopeful about something developing between us.” Emily didn’t look up as she chopped the apples into small cubes.
“Now, Emily . . .” Mamm sighed as she turned to face Emily. “You don’t know that. You are a beautiful young woman, and Lillian said he speaks fondly of you.”
Emily took a deep breath, stopped chopping, and faced off with her mother, determined to squelch her mother’s misdirected thoughts. “David told me straight to my face that he doesn’t want to date me, that all he wants is to be friends. And, Mamm . ..” Her tone sharpened. “That’s all I want too. So please just drop it.”
“I don’t like him anyway.” Betsy padded across the wooden floor in her socks, still toting her book as she headed toward the den. She stopped once to look at Emily and scrunched her face into a scowl. “He made you cry.”
“Betsy, we talked about that.” Emily’s voice grew louder as she spoke, but Betsy didn’t turn around.
“I will not have such talk, Betsy. Do you hear me?” Mamm’s voice carried into the den, and a faint “Yes, ma’am” breezed into the kitchen.