by Beth Wiseman
“Emily, you don’t understand. If you understood, then maybe—”
Emily held her palm toward him. “I don’t need to understand anything. I have my own reasons. Now, I’m going to check on Martha. You can come, or not come.” She turned around and walked up the porch steps. She could hear David following her.
After several hard knocks and no answer, Emily turned to David. “Her car is here. Do you think she’s okay?”
“Maybe she’s napping.” David reached forward and gave another hard knock on the door.
Emily turned the knob. “It’s open. Should we go in and check on her?”
David shrugged. “I don’t know, Emily. She might just be busy, or down with a cold, or something else that ain’t none of our business.”
Emily twisted the knob anyway and slowly pushed the door open. Martha was sitting in her chair, looking like the old Martha but a more disheveled version of her—hair unfixed, matted curls barely held on top of her head with the butterfly clip, a dingy pink housecoat and worn slippers as her wardrobe.
She didn’t even look Emily’s way when the door opened. Emily stepped through the door, and David followed right behind.
“Martha?” Emily said softly. White lines ran from Martha’s eyes down through her pink blush.
Emily looked from Martha’s face to the blue blanket cradled in her arms. “Oh no,” she whispered. Elvis’s brightly-colored head lay tilted to one side, his eyes closed, his body unmoving under the blanket.
Emily was rooted in place, but David walked toward Martha. He slowly squatted down beside her, and with the familiar tenderness that Emily had grown to love, David lightly touched Martha’s arm. After a moment, she turned to face him, then she spoke softly.
“I went to church,” Martha said, sniffling. “I wanted to see what it was all about.” She looked down at Elvis, and another tear rolled down her cheek. “I’ve even been praying.” Then Martha looked hard into David’s eyes and spoke in an even voice. “And this is how God rewards my good efforts? He takes my beloved Elvis. Why would He do that, David? Can you tell me that?” She smiled slightly as another tear rolled down her cheek.
Martha’s calm demeanor was unnerving. Emily finally inched closer and squatted down beside David. But before either one of them could offer any words of comfort, Martha spoke again.
“Seek Me with all your heart.” Martha paused. She looked down at Elvis and stroked his head, then looked back up at David. “I’ve been hearing that in my head, and I thought maybe it was God, so I’ve been trying to connect, I guess you’d say.”
Emily didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to explain to an Englisch person that God’s will is not to be questioned, even in the worst of times. James flashed before her, and she clenched her eyes shut. Not now. Martha needs our help. She wasn’t sure how David’s hand became intertwined with hers. She looked down, and he gave her hand a squeeze but kept his eyes on Martha. Emily was wondering how long Martha had been sitting there with Elvis in her lap. It was the most heartbreaking scene, and Emily fought her own tears.
David still had one hand on Martha’s arm. “What can we do, Martha?”
The gentle way David spoke to Martha touched Emily so much that a tear did spill. She quickly wiped it away with her free hand, just as she felt David squeeze her hand again. She squeezed back.
“I suppose we need to bury him.” Martha looked down at the bird and started to cry again. Then she turned to Emily. “I’ll need a day or two to think about arrangements.”
yard after saying a few brief prayers. Why a day or two to make arrangements? Wouldn’t Elvis be ratherArrangements? Emily had been nine years old when her hamster died, and they’d just buried it in a box in the back . . . unpleasant by then? She crinkled her nose.
“Do you want us to fetch Mr. Becker for you?” Emily offered.
Martha immediately shook her head. “No. I don’t want him to see me like this.” She twisted her mouth to one side. “I think that old man has a big crush on me, and I don’t want to ruin his fine image of me.” She finally smiled without crying. Then she looked down again. “My poor, poor Elvis.”
“Do you know what—what happened?” Emily bit her bottom lip.
“No. My Elvis has had the best of everything.” Martha stared down at the bird for a moment, then looked up at Emily. “Can you help me plan Elvis’s funeral?”
“Funeral?” Emily tried to hide her shock. “I mean, sure.
Do you want me to find a cardboard box?”
Martha glared at Emily in a way that almost frightened her. “Would you bury a member of your family in a cardboard box?” She rolled her eyes. “Never mind. I’ve been to an Amish funeral, and I don’t recall it doing justice to the dead.”
David smiled. “We keep things simple, but I’m sure Emily will help you with Elvis’s arrangements, whatever that might be.”
Emily shot David a look, then smiled at Martha. “Of course I will.”
“No. I owe it to Elvis to do it myself. You can just put together the list of people who will attend, and I’d like everyone to bring food to my home, as is customary.” She opened her eyes wide. “I’ve been to plenty of funerals and brought plenty of food, and Elvis deserves the same courtesies.”
“Okay.” Emily was thinking about who she was supposed to invite to a bird’s funeral.
Martha sighed. “I guess I should probably call Arnold. I should have never hung up on him. But I’m in shock.”
“Of course you are.” David patted her arm. “Martha, I was wondering . . .” He took a deep breath. “What are you going to do with Elvis? I mean, until the funeral.”
Good question, Emily thought.
“I reckon I’ll put him in the deep freeze.”
Emily let go of David’s hand as she stood. She took a step backward and covered her mouth with her hand.
“You got a better idea, Miss Emily?”
Emily was startled by Martha’s sharp tone. “No, I suppose not.”
Martha ran a hand through her tangled curls. “I’d like to be alone with Elvis now. Emily, let’s plan to have the funeral at eleven o’clock on Thursday morning. And I’m not happy with God right now, but it seems fitting to have a member of the clergy recite. So get your bishop here as well.”
Emily’s jaw dropped. “What?”
“I’m sure we’ll figure something out, Martha,” David interjected before Emily could tell Martha how ridiculous that was, and how no bishop she knew of would recite final rites over a bird. “We’ll go ahead and leave you alone now.”
They said good-bye, and Emily marched ahead of David, down the porch steps, and to her buggy. She heard David close the door behind her.
“Emily, wait!”
She spun around as David walked toward her. “This is crazy.” She lifted her hands in the air. “How are we going to gather people together for a funeral for a bird? And there is no way I’m asking Bishop Esh! Why in the world would she want me to help her with the arrangements? Shouldn’t her new boyfriend be helping her?” Emily pulled the door of her buggy open, only to have David slam it shut.
“What are you—”
He pulled her toward him, then cupped her cheeks in his hands. His lips met hers with more tenderness than any words could have offered. Their kiss seemed to go on forever.
Emily’s mind could only focus on one thing. I love you, David. I wish you could love me back.
Vdren wouldn’t open it and see what’s inside.ERA PACED BACK and forth across the bedroom, staring at the box she’d put on the middle of their bed so that the chil
“Why didn’t you just send it with Emily when she went to check on Martha?” Elam asked as he dropped his towel and winked at her.
Vera kept pacing and rolled her eyes. “Get dressed, Elam. I’m too upset to think about what you’re thinking about right now.”
Elam chuckled, ran a hand through his wet hair, then pulled a drawer open and took out some underwear. “Have you counted
it?”
Vera gasped. “Well, of course not. The amount is not important. The fact that Martha would give us a box full of money is inappropriate. The minute I saw all those hundred dollar bills, I slammed the lid closed. I will return it to her tomorrow myself.”
Elam tiptoed to the bed and playfully tapped on the box. “Maybe we should just have a little look-see.”
Vera slapped his hand. “We will not.” She unpinned her kapp from her head and let her hair fall to her waist over her white nightgown. “Stay away from the box.”
“Will it permanently be residing in the middle of our bed?” Elam grinned.
“I just haven’t decided what to do with it yet.” Vera put her hands on her hips and stared at Martha’s gift. “Does she think we are poor? Why would she give us this, Elam? That box is stuffed full of money!”
Elam sat down on the bed and raised his brows repeatedly, grinning like a silly boy. “I don’t know.”
Vera grabbed the box from the bed and clutched it to her chest. “It really doesn’t matter, does it? I mean, we’re going to return it anyway.”
“Of course we are.” Elam leaned back on one elbow in just his underwear. “So it doesn’t matter if we see just how generous Martha is.” He sat up. “Oh, come on, Vera. Let’s just see how much is in there.”
Vera pressed her lips together and thought for a minute. “Let’s don’t tell a living, breathing soul we did this.”
Elam clapped his hands together. “Dump it out. Let’s have a look!”
Vera sat down on the bed beside her husband and slowly pulled the lid off the box. Then she dumped the cash on the bed between her and Elam.
Elam’s eyes grew as big as saucers.
So did Vera’s.
Fifteen
IF THERE WAS A WRONG SIDE OF THE BED, EMILY HAD woken up on it the day after Second Christmas. David hadn’t said anything after kissing her. He’d just gotten into his buggy, waved, and left. It confused Emily, but now she had to focus on planning a funeral for a bird—or at least contributing to the funeral by creating the guest list. She’d already spent the morning trying to train Beth Ann to work in the store, but Beth Ann was scatterbrained. Emily wasn’t sure Beth Ann was keen on working in the family’s dry goods store while Jacob tended the land. Not much to do this time of year, but Jacob was making some repairs on the outside of the house today, before planting season took up all of his time.
Her mother was humming in the kitchen, louder than usual, and it was grinding on Emily’s nerves—more than usual. Everything was building, and she was resentful about everything in her life. She wanted to lash out at someone. And her mother was the only one at home. Since school didn’t start back until tomorrow, Betsy had gone with their father and Levi to install a solar panel.
“Why don’t we ever talk about what happened to me?” Emily put her hands on her hips and challenged her mother to a conversation they’d avoided up to now. “About my—my . . .” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word.
Mamm turned her back to Emily and started drying dishes that were in the drain. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.”
“Why do you always have to be so happy when my life is ruined?” Emily walked to the window and peered out into the sunshine, snow still piled high in every direction, and she set her gaze on the snow-capped mountains. She wondered what the view from the top would look like when she climbed one of the mountains and left all her worries behind. Will that day ever come? She kept her back to her mother as she went on. “You pretend that nothing happened to me. I would think that each time you look at me and see the scar on my forehead, that maybe you would be reminded about what I went through. But, no . . . you just carry on with your own perfect life, in your own perfect world.” She grunted to herself. “Lucky you.”
When there was no response, she swirled around. Mamm was still drying dishes with her back to Emily. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” her mother said without turning around.
Emily faced the window again. She raised the green blind all the way up so she could see the tops of the highest mountains. “You don’t even care what happened to me.”
A dish went smashing to the floor, and Emily turned around in time to see her mother pick up a second dish and throw it to the floor. Emily thought her heart might stop. “Mamm! What are you doing?” She took a step forward, but her mother held out her hand and motioned for her to stay back.
“Is that what you think, Emily? Is it? Is that really what you think, that I don’t care?” Her mother bent at the waist, hugging herself with one arm. “Do you not think for one minute that I wouldn’t trade places with you? Do you not think that every time I look at you I realize what a bad mother I am? I wasn’t able to protect you from that animal.” Mamm began to sob, and Emily took a step forward. Her mother again held out an outstretched hand for Emily to stay back. Emily stood perfectly still.
“I wanted to find him and hurt him!” Mamm cried harder. “My thoughts were, and often continue to be, in a direction God would never approve of, and I have to pray daily for Him to cleanse me of these thoughts.” She placed both hands flat on her chest. “Do I care, Emily? Do I care?” She hung her head, and Emily couldn’t move. “More than you could ever possibly know until you have a child of your own, and someone wrongs that child in a way that is unimaginable. I pray you never know how that feels.” Mamm could hardly catch her breath. “If I’ve handled it badly, Emily, I’m sorry. I thought that if I made things as cheery as possible around here, that if we didn’t talk about it, that maybe you would heal. Not forget, but be able to move forward.” Mamm took a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Emily.”
Emily ran to her mother’s arms, sobbing as she sidestepped broken dishes. “I’m sorry, Mamm. I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. I just didn’t think you understood or cared, and I needed to talk about it. I can never get married and have children, and my whole life changed on that one night, and—”
Her mother pushed her from her arms. “Emily, is that what you think? That you can never get married and have children? The doctors said there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to have all the kinner you want. Why would you say such a thing?”
Emily hung her head and cried. “I’m not pure anymore, or worthy of a husband.”
Mamm clutched tightly to Emily’s arms. “Look at me,” she said sternly. “Emily Detweiler, you listen to me. You are worthy of any man’s love, and any man would be blessed to have you as his fraa. Do you hear me? What happened to you was not your fault, and no man worthy of your affections will think any less of you.” She pulled Emily into her arms. “My dear baby girl, I’m so sorry we didn’t talk sooner. I’m so sorry you’ve had these thoughts.”
Emily clung tightly to her mother and cried, and she stayed in her mother’s arms until both of them could contain their sobbing.
When they finally separated, head. “I love you so much.”Mamm pushed back a strand of Emily’s hair away from her face. Then she kissed her fore
“I love you too, Mamm.”
“I guess instead of spilling all my emotions to Lillian and trying to hide them from you, I should have just talked with you, been there for you, and listened to you, and—”
Emily tensed up. “What do you mean . . . talked to Lillian?”
“When I told Lillian about what happened to you, it—”
Emily jumped back, pieces of china crushing beneath her black tennis shoes. “You told Lillian?”
“She was very understanding, Emily, and at the time, I thought it was better to vent my emotions to her, instead of you. It was gut to have a friend, and I thought I was sparing you.” Mamm shook her head, but it was all coming together for Emily. “I know better now.”
“Does Lillian know about—about the . . .” Emily’s heart was thumping against her chest.
“Ya, and I know—”
Emily backed away. “Mamm, how could you? How could you tell Lillian about this?”
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No wonder David keeps pulling away from me. He knows. He knows what happened. He does think I am unworthy! Why else would he kiss me, then apologize . . . more than once?
“Emily, Lillian has become a gut friend to me. I didn’t think you would mind me telling her.”
Emily dried her eyes with her sleeve. She’d upset her mother enough for one day, but there was something she needed to know. “Can I use the buggy?”
“Emily, are you all right? I’m sorry if I betrayed a confidence. That wasn’t my intention.”
Mamm looked so frail that Emily just shook her head. “No, it’s okay.”
“Where do you need to go?” Mamm reached for a tissue from the box on the counter. She handed one to Emily, then dabbed one on her eyes.
“I just want to go for a drive. Some time by myself. Or . . .” Emily paused. “Do you need me to help start supper?”
Mamm shook her head as she eyed the broken china on the floor. “No, you go ahead.”
Emily hugged her mother. “Do you want me to help you clean this up first?”
Mamm grinned. “No. I’m the one who threw dishes on the floor like a crazy person. I’ll clean it up.”
“I won’t be late. It might be after dark, but I won’t go far.”
Mamm nodded.
Etion for why David was treating her this way. As if he really cared about her one minute, then didn’t want anything to do with her the next. Emily knew David worked at the furniture store until six in the evening, and it had been almost six when she’d left her house.MILY DIDN’T KNOW Lillian all that well, but she had to know if Lillian had talked to David. If Lillian had told him what happened to her. That seemed the only logical explana
After securing the horse and buggy outside the Stoltzfuses’, she hurried to the door and knocked. When no one answered, she started to knock again but stopped when she thought she heard a woman crying. She leaned closer to the door. It is a woman crying.