‘Our children? Blimey, let’s get the hang of the marriage malarkey first, and then we’ll see...’ He pulled the duvet up over his shoulders and lay back on the stack of soft pillows.
Anna watched him closely, waiting for a sign that everything was okay.
He turned on his side and opened his arms wide, encouraging her into the space against his chest. She flicked off her bedside lamp and nestled in. She was going to be Mrs Theodore Montgomery and they would welcome their babies and everything was going to be wonderful.
Just wonderful.
14
‘I can’t believe I am here!’ Anna screamed with excitement, running over the dark wood floor. ‘This place is so beautiful!’
Any fatigue from the long journey had disappeared at the sight of their open-sided villa, which was perched at the end of a blindingly white spit of sand and entirely surrounded by aquamarine sea so shimmery it made her gasp. It was simply stunning. She almost couldn’t control the childlike enthusiasm that erupted from her.
Despite now in theory being able to travel where and when she wanted to, it was still a rare occurrence due to Theo’s work commitments and life getting in the way. And yet here she was! Anna, who had been in care in Leytonstone, Anna, who had not been in the popular set of her school in Honor Oak Park, Anna Bee Montgomery née Cole was in the bloody Maldives! Look at me now, Tracy Fitchett!
She danced and twirled with her arms outstretched, letting her fingers linger over the tops of the sturdy, dark teak chairs and dressing tables. Plucking at the gossamer-like white cloth that hung in curtains on the four-poster bed, she bounced joyously on the wide, soft mattress.
She looked at Theo, who was watching her with the twitch of a smile on his face.
‘Come on!’ She beckoned to him. Skipping into the open-plan kitchen, she grabbed a bottle of champagne that had been set on ice in anticipation of their arrival and lifted it high. ‘Not too early, is it?’ she asked, flinging open the cupboard to retrieve two glasses.
‘Never too early on holiday.’ He smiled.
She laughed as her husband unzipped his suitcase and hung up his linen trousers and white cotton shirts.
‘Look at this place, Theo! I can’t believe we’re here! And yes, I’m going to keep saying that until it sinks in!’
Anna popped the cork and squealed her delight as she poured the champagne. She kicked off her sandals and raced outside barefoot in her denim cut-offs to lean against the wooden rails around the deck of their beautiful villa. She bent over and peered down into the crystal-clear water below, following the tiny brightly coloured fish as they darted this way and that. The sun warmed her skin and scattered sea diamonds over the surface of the ocean. She threw back her head and faced the rays like a sunflower at midday.
‘Is there a boat?’ Theo enquired, lighting a cigarette and coming to stand next to her, staring out at the miles of azure ocean that twinkled in the mid-afternoon sun.
Anna handed him his champagne and turned to him with a look of mock indignation. Her hair, now in a new, shorter cut, fell about her face.
‘We have been on this tiny island for approximately twelve minutes. Our own Maldivian paradise, to celebrate our first year of marriage, and you are asking if there is a boat?’ She reached out and touched his face. ‘There is no escaping from me this week, Mr Montgomery. No working late, no meeting Spud, no going for a run, no paperwork to be done in the den and no watching TV! You are here with me and you are present and this is our time to reconnect. One year is something to be celebrated.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. I was just thinking we might go fishing. Catch our own supper.’ He kissed her nose.
‘Good, because I don’t plan on doing much of anything, especially not leaving the villa. We can paddle about and lie in the sun, fish from the deck, eat lovely food and sleep.’
He smiled at her. ‘That sounds like just what the doctor ordered.’
‘And...’ She twisted her fingers into his hair and pulled his mouth down to meet hers, their bodies merging. ‘I have a feeling that this beautiful place might be good for us in other ways.’ She kissed him again. ‘I think this would be a wonderful place to make a baby,’ she whispered in his ear, nibbling his lobe when she was done.
Please, Theo, please. Please, please let me have our baby...
She felt his body jolt and her heart jumped in response. It was as if all the soft joy was sucked from her veins and in its place came a hardened, crystalline sadness with sharp edges that cut. He pulled away and she looked in anguish into her husband’s face. His mouth moved in silence, as if trying to find words of reassurance and comfort but without making another empty promise. Her tears pooled.
‘I...’
‘No, please, Theo, don’t say anything at all.’ She placed her trembling fingers on his mouth and shook her head. ‘Just let me be. Just let me think that you might change your mind, that you might make our family complete. Just for today. Let me think it might be possible. Please.’
She almost stumbled, knocked off balance by the wave of distress that hit her at full force, as it sometimes did. Her head dropped to her chest and her tears rolled from her elfin chin. Theo balanced his cigarette in the hand that held his wine glass and pulled her into him with his other hand, holding her tight, as if this contact might be compensation enough.
Anna felt the bitter taste of disappointment at the fact that they had been in this paradisal setting for less than twenty minutes but had already arrived at the exact place they’d left off from back at home. They hovered in an awkward, one-armed embrace, chastened by the realisation that it mattered little whether they were in the Maldives or SW13, there was nowhere on earth they could go to outrun the thing they were trying to escape. It dominated their thoughts, lingered in the wings and cast a dark shadow on the sunniest of days, even here, even now. The debate, and the disharmony that ensued, would continue to lap at their heels like the waves beneath the deck.
They stood on opposite sides of the fence: Anna, growing increasingly desperate to have the baby that would turn them from a couple into the family she craved, and Theo, shying away from the commitment, certain that he did not want to bring a child into a world that for him as a youngster had been cruel and unloving. Anna hated the sadness that hung around him like a mist; she wished he would open up to her and was confident there was nothing as a couple they couldn’t handle. If he let himself, she knew he would be the most wonderful dad. She just had to convince him that he really was the kind, loving, unselfish person she knew him to be. Then his fears about turning into his own father would evaporate. She had to believe this was possible, as the alternative was too horrendous to contemplate.
Both sipped the cold champagne, Anna now only vaguely enjoying the sharp, chilled sweetness of bubbles on the back of her tongue but thankful that it would dull the sadness that was filling her up. She pictured Joe lying on the sofa of their tiny flat and not for the first time felt a flicker of understanding at his need to remove himself from the hurt of daily life.
Melissa, and Lisa too, had told her to trick Theo. ‘Just do it! Get pregnant!’ But she knew more than most the importance of being in unison when it came to having a child. She thought of her mum, a single mum. No matter the reasons why, her mum had had a hard life, that much Anna knew. Anna was determined never to endanger her relationship with Theo, or the deep love they shared, by trying for a baby without his consent. That trust was fundamental to their relationship and something she prized highly. No secrets...
*
It was now early evening and they lay on the vast bed, letting the warm breeze float over them, content to gaze at the palm trees and the conical, frond-thatched roofs of distant villas. An elegant Maldivian heron waded in the shallows, soon becoming no more than a dark shadow against the orange and pink sunset.
‘Do you think there are rats in those thatched roofs?’ Theo laughed.
Anna giggled drunkenly and ran her fingers over his chest
. ‘No, I don’t.’ She spoke with the slight slur of one who had consumed the majority of a bottle of champagne on an empty stomach and then sipped through a fat straw a couple of iced strawberry daiquiris, brought to their room by a floral-shirted waiter who’d held them raised high on a bamboo salver. She watched the sky continue its rainbow display. ‘It’s so beautiful, like a painting.’
‘It really is.’
There was a beat or two of comfortable silence until she spoke again.
‘When I met you in the lift, and when we started dating...’ She gave a small giggle; it was still funny to them and everyone who knew them that they had met in a lift. ‘I was struck by this...’ She shook her head, searching for the right words. ‘This air of sadness about you.’ Anna rolled onto her side and studied her husband’s handsome profile in the dying light. ‘You always looked like you wanted to be somewhere else, no matter where we were or who we were with, and when you spoke, you looked at the floor as if what you had to say wasn’t of any interest. And you hardly ever smiled.’
He looked to his right and gave a small nod, acknowledging this to be true.
‘But I think you have grown, Theo, in the last year. I think you trust me now when I tell you that you are wonderful.’
‘I do a bit,’ he admitted sheepishly, as if he had no right to be given such a compliment.
‘And you are wonderful, you know,’ she repeated. ‘No matter what you went through as a child, no matter how indifferent your parents seem, you really are.’
He kissed the top of her head.
‘I was with Ned for quite a while, and I didn’t know there could be any other way.’
She felt his body tense slightly. She knew he found it uncomfortable when she spoke about her previous man, but she also knew she needed to soften the stiff upper lip he’d been raised with. Better communication was, she knew, the way forward.
He lay back on the pillow and she continued.
‘Ned was like vanilla. Nice enough, but everything was plain, ordinary – boring, I suppose. I watched my true self getting sapped – I was shrinking. I would cry myself to sleep some nights, wondering how I could be that lonely, that unfulfilled, and at the same time questioning why being with him wasn’t enough. It should have been enough, and for a lot of people it would have been, but not me. It was as if I knew you were out there.’
Anna traced the shape of his arm. ‘And then there you were, Theo, in that lift, and you were a kaleidoscope of wonder! Talking to me and keeping me distracted because you cared enough that I might be scared.’
He raised and kissed her hand. ‘I never want you to be scared.’ He stroked her fingers absent-mindedly and was quiet for a while. ‘I think I know what you mean about Ned, about knowing deep down that he wasn’t right. It was a similar thing for me with Kitty—’
‘Kitty? The girl you liked at school?’
‘Yes.’ Theo took a few breaths – a few more than Anna was comfortable with. ‘When you came along, it blew any feelings I had for her out of the water. Put things into perspective.’
‘I like to hear that,’ she admitted, relieved.
Theo sat up. ‘Actually, it was a bit more than just at school. Our paths crossed after school as well.’
Anna looked at him and felt a surge of concern that there might be more to this Kitty girl than he had let on. It tugged at her old sense of inadequacy, her deep-seated fear of not measuring up to the Mirabelles and Felicitys she knew would have been part of his circle. ‘You can say anything, you know, Theo. No secrets, remember?’ She kissed him.
‘There is something, actually... Something I probably should have told you a long time ago,’ he began hesitantly.
She hated the icy drip in her veins. Oh no, please be gentle, Theo. Don’t destroy our magic, don’t hurt me...
‘What sort of something?’ she asked, the roof of her mouth dry.
‘It’s about a child.’
Anna felt the colour drain from her face as her smile faded to something like terror. Oh my God! Oh my good God!
‘A child that... I have never met or know anything about.’
She placed her shaking hand on her mouth.
All of a sudden the words began to tumble out of Theo’s mouth. ‘Actually, he’s not a child any more – I assume he’s older than me – but he’s my brother, a brother I have never met. Though I do know his name. Alexander.’
‘Your brother?’ she asked, her relief written all over her face. ‘Blimey, I wondered what you were going to say! You have a brother?’
He looked up at her, his expression unreadable, closed. ‘Yes. My mum let it slip when she was rowing with my dad once, pissed of course. My dad has another son. He doesn’t know I know and my mum made me swear never to mention it to her or anyone. Only Spud knows.’
‘I wish you’d told me. Especially given you felt you could tell Spud but not me – I am your wife!’ She raised her voice in indignation.
‘I know.’ Theo pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘I could never find the right time.’
‘But the right time is now?’ She bent down and kissed his face.
‘Yes, the right time is now.’
‘Theo, I sometimes wonder about all the things you try to contain – I wish you would let me in more.’
‘I’ll try.’ He kissed her nose.
‘I have spent my whole life without anyone watching out for me. I didn’t have anyone to love who would love me back, because everyone I have ever loved has left me on my own. And then there you were! And here we are! And I want to look out for you too, I want you to share things with me.’
‘I promise I’ll try.’ He tilted his head and looked at her for several moments. ‘Right from the start, you came across as so strong and assured, I would never have guessed that you were afraid of anything.’
‘I guess we all wear armour.’
‘I guess we do.’
‘But what I want to say, Theo, is this. I do want a baby, more than you know. I want a family and I honestly, truly believe it would make our lives complete. I really do!’
‘Anna, I just don’t think—’
‘No, don’t say it again, I can’t bear to hear it. Please let me finish.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’ve never told another living soul this, but since I was a little girl I have written letters to the kids I want to have one day.’
‘You have?’ His brow creased in confusion.
‘Yes. Not lots, but maybe one or two a year. I know it sounds nuts, but it started as just, you know, a little girl thing, but then it gave me comfort when everything around me crumbled to nothing. It made me believe I had a future, a family waiting for me, and it gave me something to feel hopeful about. It still does, in fact.’
Theo ran his palm over her back. ‘I understand that.’
‘I even gave them names.’ She bit her lip, embarrassment making her more reticent now.
‘What are their names?’ he whispered.
‘They’re called Fifi and Fox.’
She was glad he didn’t laugh and grateful there was no further interrogation. He seemed to just calmly accept it, which hopefully meant he didn’t think she was bonkers. She drew courage from this. ‘And the thought of not getting to meet Fifi and Fox breaks me in two.’ She placed her hand on her chest, where the pain was real. ‘I won’t give up on the idea, I can’t. And I am very aware that we haven’t got so much time when it comes to being young and healthy. Look at my mum...’
She slipped down the bed until her head rested on his chest. He stroked her hair and cooed to her until she felt herself slipping into sleep, but her breathing was fractured by the tears that trickled unbidden along her cheekbone and came to rest on her husband’s skin. Saying the words was one thing, but accepting them in her heart was quite another.
*
In the middle of the night she woke and stared out at the sea, where a wide, low moon lay reflected in the calm water. She glanced across at Theo, who was sleeping deeply. Climbing off the
bed, she pulled open the drawer of the teak desk and slid out a sheet of fancy paper embossed with the hotel’s name and logo. Creeping barefoot out onto the deck, she sat with her back against the wall of the villa and, embraced by the warm breeze, began to write.
My Fifi and Fox, I can feel you slipping out of reach... I love my husband, I do, but I am desperate for you, my children.
One year into our marriage and still no babies. I have asked. I have pleaded. I don’t know what to try next.
I await the day I can hold you in my arms. I think about you more and more and every month that passes makes my longing worse.
Melissa says be patient. I am being patient, I have been patient! And it’s easy for her to say with young Nicholas nursing on her lap.
I want to be a mum.
I want to be YOUR mum.
I want it more than anything. All I have to do now is convince Theo that it will be fine.
It will all be fine.
Your mum in waiting...
X
* * *
Having been back in the grey UK for a month, the sun-soaked paradise of the Maldives was already a distant memory. Theo had gone to meet his best friend, Spud, for a drink after work. Spud and his family were moving to the States and Anna knew it was going to be hard for Theo to say goodbye. He and Spud had been close ever since university and Spud was his one confidant. She liked Spud and his wife Kumi, although she found him and Theo an odd pairing – on paper they had very little in common. Anna laughed softly to herself. ‘Hello, kettle...’
She walked along Fulham Broadway, off to Melissa’s house for a glass of plonk and a catch-up, hoping to avoid the rain that threatened. She didn’t see her friend as often as she used to, not now busy family life claimed more and more of her time. Nursery had brought Melissa a whole new group of friends, women who sipped coffee and shared snacks while their children played happily on the floor. Anna felt awkward among them, no matter how friendly their welcome or well-intentioned their questions. She had managed one coffee morning, sitting with them and smiling benignly as they breastfed their rosebud-mouthed babies and debated the merits of organic versus non-organic fruit and the best way to deal with night-time bouts of croup. She had felt she had little to add and left as soon as it was polite to do so, exiting with a small wave and a promise to see them again soon. Then she’d sat in the back of the cab with a pulse to her womb and a tightening of her nipples.
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