How can you not know what to say to me? You must have known this day would come.
Finally she took a breath and when she spoke, to their mutual surprise, her voice was level.
‘You have a little girl?’ she rasped.
‘Yes.’ He looked down. ‘I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but knowing how much you wanted a baby, and knowing I couldn’t do that, not with this hanging over me...’
‘You’re a dad.’ She swallowed, shaking her head. This fact would still not sink in. ‘Is Kitty her mum?’
He closed his eyes and nodded.
‘I knew it.’ She bit her lip hard, the pain a welcome distraction. ‘I always kind of had this feeling about her, the way you looked when you told me she was just some girl from school, the way you changed the subject when her name came up. You were always so evasive. I just knew,’ she whispered, trying to find the words. Calmly, she rubbed her hand across her stomach, indicating that this was where the hurt lay. ‘Is she posh? Does she talk like you?’
‘Why does that matter?’
‘It matters to me!’ she shot back angrily. He was in no position to ask the questions.
He gave a single nod and she was glad of that at least.
‘How old is your little girl?’
He looked up at her, then immediately looked away. Ashamed, presumably, but she had no sympathy.
‘She’s ten,’ he whispered.
‘Ten?’ she repeated, her heart racing, each new fragment helping to build an ever more devastating picture. ‘Where do you meet her? Has she ever been here?’ She hugged the tops of her arms, preparing for the next wave of distress, the one that might finally overwhelm her.
‘I don’t meet her. I don’t see her. She doesn’t know about me.’ He shook his head. ‘Her mum made it quite clear it was a one-night stand, literally, and—’
‘Does anyone else know about her? Your parents?’ she interrupted, considering the gut-churning possibility that they were laughing at her. It would be more than she could stand: Stella, Perry, Theo and the posh girl from his posh school sharing wine and swapping stories in front of the fire.
‘No.’ He briefly held her stare. ‘No one knows.’
‘Correction. Spud knows, and now I know.’
Theo nodded.
‘Were you there when she was born?’
‘No.’
‘Do you love her mum? Do you... Do you love Kitty?’ she asked quietly, fearful for the response no matter what it might be.
‘No, not at all. I was infatuated with her at school, but no.’ He shook his head.
Anna thought she might throw up. ‘Do you... Do you still see her?’ she squeaked, looking down, preparing herself.
‘No.’ He shook his head and she heard the slight reverb of laughter in his tone, as if to say, of course I don’t!
She swallowed loudly. She thought of Sally Harper and remembered sitting on the sofa in their neat sitting room where cigarette smoke clung to the furnishings and the walls, staring at the woman with hurt etched on her face and in her every gesture. No wonder she’d been cold, and Micky angry.
Anna and Theo sat quietly, on opposite sides of the kitchen table, in close physical proximity but miles and miles apart. She didn’t know what to do or say next and was floored by feeling so awkward in her own home.
‘I don’t have any relationship with either of them, Anna. None at all. And I didn’t plan it – it just happened,’ he whispered. ‘It was long before I met you and I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to make contact because, unlike you, Kitty knew that I would be a shit father and a fucking useless addition to any child’s life!’
Anna shook her head. ‘Don’t you fucking dare! Don’t you dare compare me with some woman you had a one-night stand with who doesn’t know you like I do! Don’t you dare suggest that it is for reasons she came up with that I have been denied motherhood! You are my husband!’ She hated the squeak to her voice, raw with sadness. ‘You’ve been cheating on me since the day we met.’
‘I have not!’
‘Yes, you have, Theo.’ She was cool now, her voice barely quivering. ‘Lying through omission and lying by keeping a secret, a big secret! Do you think I haven’t noticed the slow looks of longing and that little twitch to your mouth when something reminds you of someone that isn’t me? Do they live in Blackheath, this Kitty and her child – is that it? Is that why you were out there that night in the rain? Why you came back acting all unsettled and weird?’
He stared at her, a spooked expression on his face, as if he’d discovered she’d been reading his mind. ‘I don’t know where they live exactly. The one time I saw the little girl was on a bus. I... I jumped on the bus because I... recognised Kitty sitting in the window, and then I saw Sophie, but I... I didn’t know she was there and it’s haunted me every day since!’
‘Sophie!’ Anna sobbed, planting her hands on the tabletop for support. ‘Is... Is that her name? Sophie?’
‘Yes.’ He nodded, unable to stem his own tears. ‘Yes, she’s called Sophie.’ He could hardly get the words out.
The two sat there, letting their tears flow. When the crying eventually slowed, they sat in silence. It was Anna who broke it.
‘My whole life has been like walking uphill on a slippery surface. I couldn’t get a foothold, there was nothing for me to cling to, one false move and I’d tumble back to the start, a little more bruised, a little more defeated. And then I met you and I clung to you and it felt wonderful!’ Her voice faltered. ‘I knew I wasn’t your first love, but I honestly believed I might be your last—’
‘You are, Anna. I love you, only you!’
She saw the way his fingers reached for the fishing fly secreted under his lapel and felt a flicker of anger. If only he could open up to her, use her as his comforter when things got rough, and not some feathered talisman gifted by the fly-fishing guy of his youth.
‘Yes, I know. But that’s never been enough for either of us, not really.’
Theo stared up at her, his eyes pleading with her. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘So you have said, many, many times, but the thing is you never do and that’s part of the problem. In fact it is the problem. You’ve hidden all this from me and instead you’ve just kept stalling, hoping I’ll change my mind about children, hoping it will just go away if you stick your head under the carpet for long enough. It’s all so unfair, so unfair.’
‘It’s not like that, I...’ Theo leant on the table and held her gaze. ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’
Anna was surprised by the burst of laughter that fired from her mouth. ‘Oh, well, that’s okay then. I’ll tell my heart to heal itself and my tears to stop falling!’
He nodded acceptance of the accusation and continued. ‘I hate that this has happened, but also I’m really a bit relieved—’
‘Well, great! How lovely for you!’
‘Please don’t be like that. I feel like shit, but the fact is, it has happened and we need to discuss it and decide on next steps.’
‘What the hell am I going to do now?’ She stared into the middle distance, directing the question as much to herself as to him.
‘I don’t want us to fight,’ he whispered.
‘No, I know, you’d rather we sat quietly and discussed anything other than what matters. The weather, wine, our next holiday, just like your bloody parents. And I’ve played along. You think you play with a straight bat, but you don’t. You’re a liar.’
‘I haven’t lied to you, Anna. Not intentionally. I might have held back, but—’
‘Held back? You have a child!’ She laughed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. ‘Have you any idea what it’s like living with you?’ She looked up. ‘You have never given yourself to me, not fully. I have tried to be content with the little bits of you that you cast at me like pieces of a puzzle. And I scamper to catch whatever you throw because I love you.’ She broke off, crying at this truth. ‘I love you so much, but ev
ery time you give me a new piece of you, you take away an old piece and I now know that I can never, ever complete the picture of you. Never. And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, I find out you have a little girl. A little girl you share with a woman who isn’t me, a little girl you phoned Spud to discuss while I was running around trying to make a party for you, collecting a fucking cake!’ The sob that now left her throat hurt her physically, clawing at her chest on its way out.
‘Anna, I... I wish I had told you. I do! But every day, every month that passed made it seem harder and harder to come clean.’
‘Well, bravo, Theo.’ She clapped. ‘But I doubt you would have “come clean”, as you put it, if you hadn’t misdialled that number today.’
He looked away and both knew this to be the truth.
Anna stared out of the window at the flash of lightning that cracked the sky. The thunder rolled in, and with it came driving rain that lashed the window and made the garden path glisten.
She saw herself as a little girl, chatting to her mummy in her narrow bedroom in Honor Oak Park.
‘The thing that matters most is that you spend your time with someone who loves you very much and who you love right back.’
‘But... But how do you know, Mum, if it’s the right person?’
‘Ah, you don’t have to worry, that’s the easy bit. It will be someone who makes it seem as if it’s sunny, even on a rainy day.’
Anna looked out of the window into the dull fog of the storm and noted that neither inside the house nor outside, was even the smallest glimmer of sunshine. Nothing.
*
It was gone midnight and Anna was sitting on the sofa in the dark with the throw over her legs. She heard Theo lingering in the hallway before he eventually crept into the sitting room. She glimpsed her reflection in the window and was sad to see the broken, frail face staring back.
‘I don’t know what’s happening, Theo. I don’t know if we’re ending, and I don’t know what to do.’
‘I’m sorry, Anna. I love you.’
‘Please don’t keep telling me that you love me – it’s like wiping away the blood after you’ve cut me. It doesn’t help the hurt or excuse the act, not even a little bit.’
She watched him hover awkwardly by the fireplace, part wanting him to sod off and part wishing he would stay close and hold her tight. Griff loped out of the kitchen with his ears low, his eyes searching. He didn’t like to hear her sad. She sank down onto the floor and sat with her legs stretched out in front of her, stroking her dog’s silky fur and taking comfort from it. It was then that she saw Theo’s suitcase in the hallway, through the open door. She looked up at him as her tears fell afresh. She was surprised there were any left.
‘I’ve decided to go to Bristol. I need to see to some things there anyway, and I need to sort my head out. I’m sure you do too.’
‘I’m sad, Theo, but I’m not surprised.’ Her voice was a harsh croak. ‘I’ve been waiting for this conversation since we went to the Maldives. I think deep down I knew then that we were on a timer.’ She now understood fully what this phrase meant.
‘You did?’
Anna nodded, ignoring the break in his voice. ‘I think possibly since the day we married. I mean, I was never right for you as far as your parents were concerned – I don’t speak right, I don’t know the wrong and right way to do things and I never went to that bloody school they bang on about.’ She gave a false laugh. ‘And for someone who cares as much about what others think as you do, especially your shitty parents, whose approval you still crave...’ She let this hang.
‘Don’t say that.’ He looked distraught.
‘Why not? It’s the truth.’ She snorted through her nose before letting silence crisp the air. When she did resume speaking, her tone had calmed a little.
‘Ned might have been vanilla, boring even, but in a weird way, Theo...’ She paused to wipe her eyes.
‘What?’ He sank down next to her on the floor and again hesitated before taking her hand.
She drew breath, steeling herself. ‘In a weird way, that vanilla life would have been much easier to bear. Maybe not as exciting or as grand.’ She whimpered at this truth. ‘I think I love you too much, Theo, and I think I wanted perfect – the dream, kids.’ She shot him a significant look. ‘At least I could understand him – his predictability, his transparency. I knew what to expect, but with you...’
She heard him swallow the lump in his throat before he spoke. ‘To be able to come home to you has for me always been the best thing.’
‘When I met you in that lift,’ Anna said, ‘I thought you were everything I had ever wanted. I thought you would make me happy and oh my God how I loved you! How I love you!’
‘I love you too,’ Theo whispered.
‘But we are driftwood floating on the ocean, looking for a point of anchor, and you’re right, I do want someone who will keep me steady. I thought that someone was you.’ She studied his face. ‘But I didn’t realise you were floating like me. Didn’t realise that we were both...’
‘Adrift.’
‘Yes.’ She nodded. ‘We are both adrift, each hoping the other has the compass. And I thought that children would be the anchor for us both. But all the time...’ She shook her head. ‘There was Sophie.’ Sophie, that’s her name, his little girl.
Theo stood slowly and ran his hand over Griff’s flank.
‘Are you going now?’ Her voice cracked.
He nodded. ‘I feel like I’m drowning.’
‘How funny.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘Most drowning people seek out a bit of driftwood...’
She watched him unhook his coat from the newel post and ferret in the pocket for his car keys.
He bent towards her with arms slightly open, unsure whether or not to hold her, both of them instantly and painfully aware of how in such a short space of time the boundaries had shifted between them, to the point where her husband no longer felt able to take his wife in his arms and offer comfort.
‘Just go, Theo! Fuck off to Bristol or anywhere else!’ She jumped up and ran to the front door, holding it ajar, standing with her jaw clenched, waiting until he’d passed.
‘Anna, I... I can’t be the man you need me to be.’
‘So you’ve said. Many times.’ She wiped a stray tear. ‘And actually, tonight, for the first time ever, I am starting to believe you.’
She slammed the door, denying him the chance to speak, before sinking to the floor once more and letting her howls of distress rebound off the walls.
*
In the wee small hours, when she finally made it upstairs to bed, she reached for her notebook on the bedside table.
Fifi and Fox,
I was wrong. The man I loved, the man I love, is not worthy of being your dad. Not worthy of being anyone’s dad. He was right. He has hurt me. He lied to me.
I am too hurt to tell you why.
I am so stupid, so bloody stupid.
Why me? Why is it always me? If there is a God, what did I do that angered him so much that he saw fit to mess up every single aspect of my life?
I can’t even think straight. Can’t even think.
I am at a crossroads, in turmoil, and there is no signpost telling me which way to go. It’s at times like this that I miss my mum so much it hurts. It still hurts, even after all these years. What I long for more than anything is to feel her arms around me, telling me everything is going to be okay.
Anna
19
Lisa sat with her handbag tucked neatly by her feet and her back straight, sipping her tea as if she was on her best behaviour.
‘So you’re here all on your own?’
‘Yes. Shania has stayed a couple of nights and it’s been nice to have company.’
Lisa rotated the mug in her fingers. ‘Theo still in Bristol?’
‘Yes, as far as I know. Four months now, feels like a lifetime and yet no time at all. When we talk it’s awkward.’ She paused. ‘I hate how quickly he’
s come to feel like a stranger.’
‘I’m still hoping you guys can figure it all out. You’re good together.’
Anna nodded. ‘That’s what I thought.’
‘So, birthing partner, eh? That’s a big responsibility.’ Lisa clearly wanted to steer the conversation onto a safer topic. ‘Does Shania not have a bloke?’
‘No. Apparently he was too nice, too boring.’
‘Bastard.’
‘That’s what I said.’ Anna watched, amused, as Lisa carefully positioned the coaster and placed the mug on it. ‘Don’t worry, Lis, just put the mug on the tabletop, it’s fine.’
‘I always feel a bit nervous here, like I’m going to break something or spill something! This really is some house,’ Lisa whispered, raising her shoulders and smiling, as if they were there illicitly and she was wary of being heard.
Anna knew exactly what she meant. Since Theo had fled to Bristol, she felt like a lodger. In his absence, she woke to a sense of unease in her gut, as if she might be accused of trespassing in this posh house by the posh people who lived either side. Mirabelles and Felicitys.
‘I would hate you not to be able to relax. If stuff gets broken or spilt, no one will care but you.’
‘Kaylee would love to have the run of a place like this – so much space!’
Anna smiled to hide the sadness that she would never get to hear the thunder of feet up and down the stairs or answer the door to her child’s friends. ‘Anyway, having a big house is not all good, there’s so much to clean! It’s a full-time job.’ She pulled a face, trying to make light of her very good fortune.
‘You’ve got a cleaner, right?’
‘Yes.’ She felt her face colour with the familiar guilt, trying to imagine what her mum would make of her handing over cash to another woman to clean her house. ‘You could bring your mum here, you know,’ Anna said. ‘I need to try and build a bridge with her – it would make everything easier.’
Lisa sighed. ‘It would, but I think Micky is the key to that, she pretty much follows his lead.’
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