‘You get it all back, now stop with the niceness, you’ve made my mascara run!’
20
Anna set a place for one at Stella’s kitchen table and watched as her mother-in-law took up the seat, adjusting the pearls at her neck.
‘It’s so very thoughtful of you, dear, to cook for me, but there really is no need.’ She placed the linen napkin over her lap.
Anna smiled at her. ‘I always remember you saying that if you didn’t have to cook for Perry then you wouldn’t bother, and we can’t have that. You need to keep your strength up.’ She waited for the microwave to ping, heating up the dish she’d prepared that afternoon.
‘Well, if you’re going to insist, do you think we could avoid pasta and dairy, as both have a rather negative effect on my constitution.’
Shit. Anna briefly closed her eyes and looked through the glass at the dish she’d chosen for that night.
‘Have you seen Theodore?’ Stella asked.
Anna noted the studied nonchalance of her tone. She shook her head. ‘Not since Perry’s funeral. We’ve had a couple of phone calls, both of them short and to the point. Truth is, I don’t really know what to say to him.’ It was unusual for her to confide in Stella like this, a woman who had always kept her emotional distance.
‘Quite. It’s a muddle, no doubt about it. But I do think it must be hard for him, being exiled to a strange city, away from home, and building up a new business. It does feel rather that the poor chap is being punished, and all for an indiscretion committed so long ago, and entirely out of his hands, if that... situation is to be believed.’
Anna turned slowly, the thump of embarrassment in her breast. So you know too...
‘Theo is not being punished and he’s not in exile. He left of his own accord – there was no discussion, as such. He said he needed space and I respect that and actually I think I needed space too. It was a shock to me, still is a shock to me, regardless of how long ago it all happened. And actually, Stella, it’s not the “situation”, as you call it, that’s the problem, it’s the deceit, that’s the thing that hurts.’
Stella had more to say. ‘Well, it is none of my business of course. We only found out very recently, and I know it’s different nowadays, but I think it’s a woman’s lot to turn a blind eye, support where she can, take the rough with the smooth. Why would you want to air your dirty laundry in front of your spouse? Or your child, for that matter. We never did and it worked for us. Perry and I were deliriously happy.’ She paused and patted her hair with her elegantly manicured fingers, but Anna could detect no other visible sign of emotion.
Anna pursed her lips. Deliriously happy, my arse!
Stella rallied and continued. ‘And at the end of the day, no one forces one to live in such a lovely house, paid for, enjoying all the spoils her husband can provide. No one forces a girl to do that, no matter how strong her principles. She can always take it or leave it.’
The microwave pinged. Anna removed the glass dish with her hands trembling inside the oven glove and placed it in front of Stella. ‘Do you know, Stella, I think you’re absolutely right. It is none of your business.’
Stella blinked quickly, quite unused to being addressed in this way. She lifted her fork. ‘Well, this smells delicious, what is it?’
‘It’s macaroni cheese. Take it or leave it.’
*
Anna sat with Griff on her lap and stroked his silky ears. ‘It’s quiet, isn’t it, boy? Not that that’s a bad thing.’ She laid her head back on the cushion and wondered where Theo was laying his head at that moment. ‘I bet he misses you.’ She smiled at the pooch, who seemed to sigh, indicating that the missing was not one-sided.
‘The way Stella spoke to me today... I can’t imagine what it must have been like growing up with that. Not the sort of home you’d be happy sharing secrets in, that’s for sure. Especially for someone prone to depression. Eh, Griff?’ She buried her face in his fur. ‘Even I find her attitude hard to handle, and I’m an adult. And the way his dad treated him, no wonder he has no confidence. I’m not excusing it, but I know Joe used to lie because he didn’t want to get into trouble. It’s cowardly, but I get it. I think Theo backed himself into a corner. I don’t know, puppy, sometimes I think my head might explode with it all.’
A... always love you, Theo.
B... believe in yourself like I do.
C... can’t sleep properly without you here.
D... don’t hide from me, not any more.
E... everything passes, everything.
With darkness pulling a blind on the day, Anna fell into a fitful doze.
A sudden ringing roused her. She sat up. Her neck ached from being bent at an odd angle and she felt groggy. Realising it was the phone in the hallway, she gently shooed Griff to the floor and ran to answer it, having no idea how long she’d been dozing for.
‘Anna!’
‘Shania, are you okay?’ She’d caught the breathless urgency in her friend’s greeting.
‘I need you to come to the hospital. It’s happening. Fuck! It’s happening now! And it’s happening fast. I’m scared! I’m really scared!’
‘Okay, okay, just keep calm. It’s all going to be fine.’ She hoped she spoke the truth. ‘Where are you now, my love?’ She tried to keep her voice steady, even though her heart raced.
‘In the flat, but they’re sending an ambulance. Please, Anna, hurry! I’ll meet you there.’
‘I’m on my way.’ As she spoke, her eyes scanned the hallway, locating her coat, bag and keys. ‘Try and keep calm, honey, remember to breathe, and I’ll be there as soon as I can!’
In the cab, Anna sat forward on the back seat with the five-pound note scrunched tightly in her hand. Her stomach bunched in nervous, fearful anticipation as she tried to imagine what might await her at the hospital. I hope I’m not useless, I hope I know what to do! Hang in there, Shania, I’m on my way. She hoped her words might float ahead and land in her friend’s consciousness, providing a pinch of support until she arrived.
‘How much longer, do you think?’ she asked the cabbie.
He sucked his teeth. ‘I reckon another twenty minutes if the traffic isn’t playing up.’
‘It’s a bit of an emergency.’ She swallowed.
‘So you’ve said, love. Twice.’
She decided to sit back and try and keep calm. She couldn’t for the life of her remember if she’d locked the front door before leaving, such had been her hurry. Her first thought was to ask Theo to check, until she remembered that he wasn’t at home any more, and yet again this fact hit her like a thunderbolt.
Finally they reached the hospital. ‘Just anywhere here is fine.’ She spoke quickly to the cab driver as he pulled up, desperate to get to Shania. ‘Please keep the change,’ she managed, jumping from the back seat.
She took a deep breath and walked briskly into the foyer, glancing briefly at the seat in which she’d been sitting when she’d bumped into Shania after her own stint in hospital. God, how her life had changed in just a few short months.
She jabbed the button and waited for the lift. Again she thought of Theo, keeping her calm on the day they met, giving her his sandwich... But this was no time for nostalgia. She stepped out onto the fourth floor and was immediately struck by the bustle of activity, even at that late hour. A man stood, leaning his elbow on the windowsill, staring out into the night sky with a mobile phone clamped to his ear. He was tearful. She didn’t dare look long enough to ascertain if they were tears of joy or sadness. A man and a woman sat holding hands on the plastic seats of the waiting room. Nearby, a huddle of people young and old, the women in saris and with a toddler darting in and out of their legs like a tiddler in the weeds, were gathered round the payphone on the wall. They were all offering updates, hugging or sniffing the news down the line to the people who loved them. She felt like an intruder, unwittingly encroaching on the most private of moments.
Doctors and nurses crisscrossed the foyer in a purposef
ul, well-rehearsed dance and a porter wheeling a trolley loaded with what looked like gas canisters wended his way through the crowd with a whistle and a smile. Anna walked to the reception desk and hovered anxiously. She tapped her thigh with impatient fingers, waiting for the receptionist to finish her phone call, knowing Shania was in this building, keen to get to her.
‘Sorry to keep you. How can I help?’ The woman looked up over the countertop.
‘I... I’m trying to find my friend, Shania Bowland. I got the call that she’s gone into labour and I said I’d meet her here. I’m her birthing partner.’ She held the receptionist’s gaze, hoping her explanation was adequate and suddenly anxious that being a friend or birth partner was not enough of a credential for her to gain access.
The woman ran a finger down a list in front of her.
‘Yes, Miss Bowland is in Room 16 – follow the corridor to the right and someone down there will be able to assist you.’
Anna jogged along, counting the room numbers as she went, her breathing fast, her heart racing.
‘Can I help you?’ A smiley nurse approached her.
‘Yes, please! My friend, Shania Bowland, having twins? I’m her birth partner, Room 16?’ she gabbled, aware that the clock was ticking.
‘Yes, come with me. She’s doing fine.’
‘Good. That’s good.’ Anna felt some of the tension leave her body. This was great news.
The nurse pushed open the door and Anna took a second to scan the room and get her bearings.
It was neither large nor cluttered, as she had imagined, but small and sparse. The main feature was the bed, which had a large light on a pivot to one side and a low-slung striplight overhead. There was a heart monitor beeping out a steady electronic rhythm, and a gas canister, like the ones being ferried about by the whistling porter, placed by the side of the bed. Both of these were connected via wires or tubes to Shania, who was sitting upright with her legs splayed and a look of terror on her face.
She stared at Anna with huge eyes. Her thick Afro was splayed against the white pillowslip and the voluminous pale green hospital gown, tied loosely around her shoulders, had slipped down, exposing her chest. Shania’s lips quivered with relief at the sight of her friend and Anna thought she looked very much like the teen who’d stood with a thunderous expression as she was introduced to everyone at Mead House, only now she wasn’t angry but scared. Her vulnerability, however, was just the same.
Shania sat up straight as fat tears fell down her face. ‘Anna!’ Her voice was muffled, barely more than a croaked whisper.
‘It’s okay.’ Anna smiled, dumped her handbag and coat on the floor and sat on the side of the bed as she took her friend into her arms. ‘It’s all going to be okay.’
Shania pulled the plastic nose and mouthpiece away from her face and reached for her. ‘Oh my God, I am so glad you’re here! I was beginning to think you might not come, and I have no one else to call. No one, and it made me think about how sad that is. These babies...’
Anna gripped her hand, damp with sweat, and kissed her forehead. ‘Sssshhh! These babies are going to have everything and everyone they need, don’t you worry about that. And traffic, that’s why I’m late, but here I am. Everything is going to be fine. The nurse said you’re doing really well.’ She remembered to keep her voice soft and steady, aware that if she sounded alarmed, it might be infectious.
‘I don’t feel like I’m doing really well.’ Shania paused. ‘I feel like shit, and it hurts! And I know it’s only going to hurt more and I feel scared about it hurting more!’ She screwed her eyes shut as another contraction built. ‘And what’s the point of doing a bloody plan when it hurts so much that you will just do bloody anything to make it stop!’
‘Don’t try and talk,’ she cooed as she moved onto the chair by the side of the bed. ‘Just breathe and go with it. Let it wash over you, breathe and count, and it will soon pass.’ She breathed out slowly, and in again through her nose, and out through her mouth, just as they’d practised. ‘We have a drugs plan and I know it by heart.’
‘I want all the drugs they can find and I want them right now!’ Shania shouted.
Things calmed and Shania dozed a little. Anna was glad of the breather, a chance to gather her thoughts.
A while later, Shania woke with a start, agitated and excited. Her nap seemed to have boosted both her energy and her mood.
‘They’re on their way, Anna! Can you believe it?’
Anna shook her head, as if this news was still surprising to her, despite having had the last few months to get used to the idea. Regardless of telling herself to be brave, giving herself silent instructions not to cry, her resolve melted at the thought of two babies making their way into the world. Fifi and Fox...
‘Samuel still doesn’t know?’
Shania shook her head. ‘I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.’
Anna recalled Theo saying something similar. ‘All in good time,’ she replied soothingly.
‘Oh God, Anna, here it comes again!’
She watched her friend dip her chin to her chest and bear down, as if she could control the pain that way. Her face was scrunched up in discomfort and her body folded over the vast bump of her stomach. It was a strange thing that rather than feel thankful it wasn’t her going through the pain, Anna felt nothing but a sharp blade of envy cutting across her consciousness.
I want to know what that feels like. I wish... I wish...
The machine started to beep a little erratically and the midwife rushed in, talking calmly but working with speed. ‘How are we doing?’ She pressed a button on the heart monitor and placed her hand on Shania’s stomach. ‘I think we might need to keep an eye on these two, they’re obviously impatient to meet their mummy!’
‘It bloody hurts!’ Shania managed through gritted teeth.
‘Let’s get you breathing that gas and air again, my lovely.’ The midwife reattached the nose- and mouthpiece over Shania’s face and bent low. ‘Breathe, my love. That’s it, nice deep breaths. We’re going to move you down to the delivery suite.’ She turned to Anna and gave her a wink that was meant to be reassuring but was in fact anything but.
Shania pulled at the plastic guard. ‘I wish...’ She panted. ‘I wish Samuel was here! Where is he, Anna?’ Then she put it back in place and breathed with urgency.
Anna had read the booklets, gone through the plan and played out the scenario in her head a thousand times, but nothing had prepared her for the feeling of utter hopelessness that now engulfed her. Her eyes flew to the window, as if out there in the inky blue night sky, up among the stars, might be where the answer lay. She shook her head, hating her inability to wave a magic wand and make everything better. She thought about Samuel and she pictured Theo. ‘I don’t know where he is.’
Things again seemed to slow once they were ensconced in the delivery suite. She felt useless. ‘Can I get you a drink? Anything?’
‘No, I’m okay.’ Shania breathed slowly, she looked exhausted. ‘Anna...’
‘Yes, honey?’ She sat forward so their heads were close together.
‘I kind of knew you’d seen me when I was on the streets. That whole time for me is like a bad dream and I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t, but I kind of knew, I felt you...’
Anna patted her arm. ‘It’s all good now, darling. You don’t have to think about that. Just think about these babies, who are on their way!’
‘Oh shit!’ Shania threw her head back. ‘Oh shit!’
‘Nurse!’ Anna called out, wary of being alone with her if things were speeding up.
And then things went very fast.
Clad in her J-cloth hat and hospital gown, Anna did her best, offering words of encouragement when Shania needed them and smoothing her hair from her sticky forehead. ‘You’re doing great, I am so proud of you!’
Her friend’s responses were guttural, an almost primal reaction to her pain; this was no time for considered replies.
‘Here we go,’ the midwife announced from where she sat on a stool, her hands poised. ‘I can see baby’s head.’
Anna’s hand flew to her stomach. With splayed fingers she laid her palm on her abdomen, quieting the flutter in her redundant womb. ‘This is it, Shania! Here we go, you’re nearly there!’
It’s okay, Anna, keep it together, you’re doing great, you’re supporting your friend, keep going! The empty platitudes sounded hollow in her head.
Shania, clearly shattered now, gripped her hand tightly. Her face crumpled again under the exertion.
And then the most incredible thing happened, something Anna would never forget. A new thing, a miracle, and it was as if she’d been caught unawares, as if this event was as surprising as it was magical. The midwife lifted a baby into the air! A tiny, curled, damp baby with a cap of dark hair flat against its head and a squashed nose. Its arms and legs were coiled against its body as if it was none too keen on being taken from the cosiness of the only home it had ever known. It let out a quiet mewl, calling, Anna thought, to its sibling.
‘A little boy!’ The midwife smiled, her hands reaching down again.
Shania stared open-mouthed at her friend. She looked done in, caught in some kind of limbo between giving in to the sheer joy at the sight of her first baby but knowing that she had to focus and deliver the second. With baby one whisked away, the next fifteen minutes were both easier and harder. Shania’s energy was all but spent, but the high of having delivered one son was motivation enough.
And then, just like that, a second little boy was lifted into the air.
Neither could speak for the tears that clogged their throats and noses.
The nurse came over with a loosely wrapped bundle in each arm. Shania reached up and took both of her children, looking from one tiny face to the other with an expression of pure wonder. ‘Oh! Oh!’ was all she could manage.
One of the baby boys started to move his mouth, as if seeking food, and Shania lowered her gown and laid him skin to skin, trying to help him latch on. She nodded at the other, sleeping infant. ‘Can you take him, Anna? I can’t quite manage with them both.’
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