by Dave Eggers
Kurt Luchs
P.S. Enclosed is an artist’s rendering of the place I’d most like to visit on this earth: your grave.
THE BRIEFING: A PLAY IN ONE ACT
Stuart Wade
SPOKESPERSON
We all know that there’s a specific piece of information in question here. And with regard to it, let me first state that I know you all would like for me to say what we all think I’m coming before you to say. I would like to make it very clear, however, that I do not intend to say it. In addition, I will neither confirm nor deny it. So now that we all understand each other, are there any questions?
REPORTER ONE
Will you say what we want you to say?
SPOKESPERSON
Not exactly as you would have me say it. [Pointing to REPORTER TWO] Yes—over there?
REPORTER TWO
Is the thing we all want you to say, in fact, true?
SPOKESPERSON
I’m not saying if it is or it isn’t. It would be premature to judge that.
REPORTER THREE
Since you’re not saying the precise thing we all want you to say, will you say it, but in a slightly different way?
SPOKESPERSON
You mean in a way that would have the same meaning as the way you would all want me to say it?
REPORTER THREE
That is correct.
SPOKESPERSON
I’m not prepared at this time to do that. [Making eye contact with REPORTER FOUR] Yes?
REPORTER FOUR
If you won’t say what we all would like you to say, or if you won’t say it in a slightly different way, will you at least say one or a couple of parts of what we all want you to say?
SPOKESPERSON
If there is a situation where it would become prudent for me to say part or parts of what you all want me to say, I would, yes. But now is not the time.
REPORTER FIVE
When will it be time?
SPOKESPERSON
I don’t know the answer to that. I wanted to add something at this point, before we continue. There are some people involved behind the scenes with this thing who deserve to be recognized for all their hard work. This thing has been a team effort all the way, and thanks to them, a real win-win situation as well. [Pointing to REPORTER SIX] Yes, go ahead.
REPORTER SIX
This information that we all want you to disclose—might one of us be able to trick you into divulging what we all want you to say?
SPOKESPERSON
If I am slow-witted at that moment, or if I’m not being too careful in choosing my words right then, and if one of you people displays extremely shrewd questioning skills, then yes, it is possible. [Shielding his eyes] Yes—all the way in the back there ... you, Miss.
REPORTER SEVEN
I think I know the information we all want you to say but that you aren’t saying, and here it is. [She says something inaudible] Isn’t that right?
SPOKESPERSON
[Angrily] Do you expect me to answer that? Next question.
REPORTER EIGHT
When can we expect you to say what we all want you to say?
SPOKESPERSON
Relatively soon.
REPORTER EIGHT
Can you be more specific?
SPOKESPERSON
Well, we are expediting this process, so I would imagine sooner than you might think, but I don’t want to mislead any of you as to exactly when. [Indicating silver-haired woman seated in front row of media] Yes, Helen?
REPORTER NINE
I heard some experts giving their opinions about the information we all want you to say. Can you respond to these expert comments?
SPOKESPERSON
Well, I can’t speculate on others’ comments. And I’m not an expert. [Looks up to assembled throng] I have time for one more question. In the middle there, yes—you sir? [Points to bearded man standing in center of group]
REPORTER TEN
Might I interject a witty comment at this juncture to break up the tension? [Says something inaudible]
[Everyone laughs]
Curtain.
ON THE IMPLAUSIBILITY OF THE DEATH STAR’S TRASH COMPACTOR
J. M. Tyree
I MAINTAIN THAT the trash compactor on board the Death Star in Star Wars is implausible, unworkable, and, moreover, inefficient.
The Trash Compactor Debate turns on whether the Death Star ejects its trash into space. I, for one, believe it does. Though we never see the Death Star ejecting its trash, we do see another Empire ship, the so-called Star Destroyer, ejecting its trash into space. I therefore see no reason to suspect that Empire protocol dictating that trash be ejected into space would not apply equally to all Empire spacecraft, including the Death Star.
The Death Star clearly has a garbage-disposal problem. Given its size and massive personnel, the amount of waste it generates—discarded food, broken equipment, excrement, and the like—boggles the imagination. That said, I just cannot fathom how an organization as ruthless and efficiently run as the Empire would have signed off on such a dangerous, unsanitary, and shoddy garbage disposal system as the one depicted in the movie.
Here are the problems, as I can ascertain them, with the Death Star’s garbage-disposal system:
1. Ignoring the question of how Princess Leia could possibly know where the trash compactor is, or that the vent she blasts open leads to a good hiding place for the rescue crew, why are there vents leading down there at all? Would not vents leading into any garbage-disposal system allow the fetid smell of rotting garbage, spores, molds, etc., to seep up into the rest of the Death Star? Would not it have been more prudent for the designers of the Death Star to opt for a closed system, like a septic tank?
2. Why do both walls of the trash compactor move toward each other, rather than employing a one-movable-wall system that would thus rely on the anchored stability, to say nothing of the strength, of the other, nonmoving wall, to crush trash more effectively?
3. Why does the trash compactor compact trash so slowly, and with such difficulty, once the resistance of a thin metal rod is introduced? Surely metal Death Star pieces are among the main items of trash in need of compacting. It thus stands to reason that the trash compactor should have been better designed to handle the problem of a skinny piece of metal. (And while I hate to be the sort of person who says I told you so, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that a one-movable-wall system would have improved performance.)
4. Why does the trash compactor only compact trash sideways? Once ejected into space, wouldn’t the flattened, living-room-sized, and extremely solid panes of trash that result from such a primitive, unidirectional trash compactor pose serious hazards for Empire starships in the vicinity?
5. And what of the creature that lives in the trash compactor? Presumably, the creature survives because the moving walls do not extend all the way to the floor of the room, where the liquid is. After all, if the walls reached the floor, the creature would be killed each time trash is compacted. The design employed on the Death Star must allow the organic trash to filter down to the bottom, where the parasitic worm-creature devours it. But what happens when heavier pieces of non-organic trash fall down there? Would such trash not get wedged under the doors, causing them to malfunction? Do storm troopers have to confront the creature each time they retrieve pieces of uncompacted trash?
6. Why not have separate systems for organic and inorganic waste, thus allowing full compaction of the inorganics and a closed sanitary system for the organics?
7. Why does the Empire care, anyway, about reducing its organic garbage output? Are we to believe that the architects of the Death Star, a group of individuals bent on controlling the entire known universe, are also concerned about environmental issues? Would organic garbage rot in space? So what? Furthermore, why has the Empire gone to the trouble of acquiring a frightening parasitic worm-creature and having it eat all organic trash, especially given the aforementioned flaws in the design
of the compactor and overall maintenance hassles?
8. Personally, were it up to me, I would have designed special garbage ships instead of employing a crude, cumbersome, and inefficient (to say nothing of unsanitary) compactor-worm combo to deal with the trash.
9. If the Empire insists on ejecting trash into space, why bother compacting it? Space is infinite, is it not? In such an environment, it hardly matters what size the trash is. In fact, a persuasive argument can be made that it’s actually better for the trash to take up more space, so that it appears on radar systems as something for Empire ships to avoid. Compacted trash creates smaller chunks of harder trash that would undoubtedly cause serious damage to Empire starships. And needless to say, damage to starships would, in turn, create yet more hassles and headaches for the Empire.
Please understand, gentle reader, I am all for creating hassles and headaches for the Empire. I just doubt that the Empire would have created so many for itself. Q.E.D.
PREVIEW OF SUMMER CAMPS
Jeff Johnson
Camp Tickles
Located thirty-two miles south of Akron, OH, on County Trunk R, Camp Tickles is essentially a clown camp for clown prodigies ages 7 to 11. While clowning and clownlike activities take up the lion’s share of camp time, Camp Tickles is also a self-esteem-boosting “challenge camp.” Challenge One involves the cabins, which are constructed in the camp kitchen and the camp’s great lawn over the first few days and are freestanding structures made of marshmallow and sticks. Campers (in groups of five) do not and will not sleep until they have baked and sculpted their own cabins. Blueprints are provided by counselors on the first day of camp. Challenge Two involves the refurbishing and restoration of several turn-of-the-century coin-operated (nickels) games in the “Coney Island” style. Campers (in groups of forty-three) will liberally apply sunscreen, then ride on the back of eastern-bound flatbed trucks to Camp Tickles’s warehouse near Coney Island in New York, where they will be given several tools and instructions. Some Internet searches for older instruction manuals will be conducted, and some direction will be provided by Lloyd McAfee, restoration specialist. Challenge Three involves hole-patching of several Ohio roads and adjacencies. Campers (in groups of three) will be provided with red wagons, tar, shovels, levels, and maps of pothole-riddled areas, most of which are within a fourteen-mile radius of Camp Tickles. Campers should ask area farmers and business owners for water, or bring canteens. Campers will be rewarded for completing challenges at a ceremony in the last week of camp.
Camper’s Checklist:
1. Two bedsheets (one to use while the other is at the laundry facility).
2. Clown makeup.
3. Clown costume.
4. $70 in singles.
5. One towel.
6. Canteen (optional).
7. Knife.
8. Swimsuit.
9. Tweezers.
10. Magic Marker.
11. Phone card.
12. Ace bandages.
13. Matches.
14. Sunscreen.
15. Cookies.
16. Bratwurst.
19. Tennis balls (juggling).
20. Parachute.
21. Aspirin.
Camp Tickles runs from June 1 to August 8. $539.
S-MEGA Camp
June 15–July 30
Weekly sessions $349
Concordia, MN
Taped to lockers at St. Cloud High School, May 22, 2000:
Hey Gang:
Mr. Weeshof here again. I know, I know you’re ready for summer vacation to kick in. Well, guess what? Me too. But this is just a note about what I have been mentioning since, oh, I don’t know, last fall!!! And it is for achievers, and more importantly S-MEGA (Sales and Marketing Education Groups of America) Achievers and Strivers (of all levels). Gang, frankly, some of you worked hard this year, and some of you, well, just came to class. No big whoop, but for S-MEGA achievers—i.e., the kids who really want to take it to the next level, the kids who sold, and sold, and sold Chippie mascot sweatshirts, T-shirts, and power towels when our wrestlers went to state; to the kids who saw what was going on with the Tart N’ Tiny inventory and acted swiftly and accordingly; the kids who got the plaque from David Zanyrton at Beich’s promotional chocolates division for all the sales of their CRISP, CARAMEL, and MILK CHOCOLATE bars due to Mr. Blanton’s emergency need for supplemental lawyering fees; the kids who stuck around and helped out on clean-up after our successful AirJam 2K alcohol-free New Year’s Eve party (I know a lot of you could have been skiing or sleeping, or gotten into champagne and narcotics because of the New Year partying and whatnot, yet you chose to be loyal to the burgeoning antidrug campaign here); and to the kids who worked closely and feverishly on our Pretzel Time/Mall of America information-gathering field trip (getting parental sig’s, bidding on coaches and accommodations for me, ’cause I had the flu)—these are the kids who I want to represent themselves, me, and St. Cloud High School at this summer camp. Don’t say you are too poor, because there is a scholarship-mentorship program available, and I know that you’ll just be tanning by a pool anyway. Some of you I know can’t go, because I’ve already arranged a mentorship-apprenticeship at Contempo Casuals in Fridley for you. But the rest of you, take heed:
1) Weekly camps.
2) Beautiful cabins.
3) Weekly in-kitchen and marketing reps from Wendy’s, Arby’s, Sbarro, Olive Garden, Shoney’s, Hardee’s, Hot Sam, Orange Julius, and Fannie Farmer.
4) Evenings off to swim, play Chinese checkers, other board games (no TV’s) and listen to my delightful acoustic guitar work. (Think Loggins and Messina, perhaps you’re too young, though.) S-MEGA teachers from Edina, Burnsville, Duluth, and Rochester will round out the staff.
5) Daily seminars with real managers and reps from The Gap, Old Navy, Coca-Cola, T.J. Maxx, and Target. We have some seasoned pros coming. They’ll walk you through several different areas: displays, folding quickness, till accuracy, store upkeep, and a special VCR tape called “The Theory Behind Store Hours in Middle America.”
6) Confrontation Consultation with Jim Uduro from KayBee Toys in Minneapolis. You might remember Jim from coming to class in October. He’s got a great presentation on theft, embezzlement, those obnoxious customer queries that are hard to deal with, what do in case of store fire, and accidents involving blood or broken limbs or possible cardiac arrest and death of employees or customers.
7) It is in the woods. So it will be quiet and carefree. Bring mosquito repellent.
8) No parents! The camp is co-ed too!
9) Bring notebooks, pens (laptop CPUs if you have them, but don’t be too showy or look down on those who don’t), clean clothes, swimsuits, towels, deodorant, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, and stuff like footballs or softballs and small radio/CD players. Oh, and a willingness to learn, learn, and then learn some more.
10) Plenty of quizzes, tests, and activities to sharpen your skills. Kids, this is the first time you’ll say, “That was a fun quiz,” or my name isn’t Mr. Weeshof.
***For the rest of you complainers or non-tryers please don’t bring your stinky attitudes to camp and infect the rest of us Strivers and Achievers. While the camp will be fun, it is not a place to sluff off, or try to sneak into the woods for a cig, or a canned alcoholic beverage. But even if you got a C or worse from me this year, but still want to try to make a new level for the 00–01 school year, this is the perfect opp. to do it. Level One Strivers can bump up to Level Two Strivers if they attend this camp. And Level Two Strivers probably didn’t get a C or worse because they were working hard for me, but I’ll be sure to bump you to a Level Three, if you come and get fulfillment out of the camp.
See me in #107.
Wallup’s Theme Farm
July 18, 2000
FROM: Bob Crafft, VP Community relations
TO: Employees and area media outlets
RE: Truncated camp events
Wallup’s usually hosts a summer camp for childre
n of Wallup’s Workers, and has done so through early July of this year. The camp, as many of you know, is adjacent to and includes part of the Wallup’s facility. In late June, following unfounded reports of impetigo and supposed eyewitness accounts of toddlers with sores that hadn’t been medically addressed by professionals, and several further astonishingly unbelievable and unrealistic accounts by KXRL-TV and KRRT (1150AM), we at Wallup’s deemed it best to shut down this FREE service to our employees and other area children.
Many of our employees—Cheese Criers, Art and Craft Vendors, Game Operators, Janitors, Managers, Pleasure Enhancement Providers, Cobblers, Apple Dolts, Peach Dolts, Guy-on-Wooden-Slide, Lawn Raiders, Cabineteers, Worriers, Sonnet Throwers, Bike Rental Agents, Cane, Iron Roger, Stew Servers, Xuss, Musket Infantry, Weeblers, etc.—have been and/or are currently on a furlough or prison-release program. BUT they are good people in search of chance number two. Many haven’t been near their children from six months to a dozen or so years. That is many summer afternoons of not being able to peek over a snow fence and see your offspring happily playing in a haystack on a Wallup’s tar lot, or attending to a baby goat, or making finger Jell-O with a supervisor who has never been arrested yet. That is many summer (and winter) afternoons of being locked up (three hots and a cot) and not working or seeing your kids up close, while they learn and go through puberty and deal with life’s lessons.
This is especially sad for higher-ups at Wallup’s because we feel like in closing the camp, we are lowering the boom on our Second Chancers by saying your kids can’t come to camp while you work. Just like society did, when they said “Go to Jail,” to many of them without rhymes or reasons. In many ways, if we were more thin-skinned, we’d first think, “Well, how are they going to afford that?” or “This might turn them back to drug addictions or abuse, or spousal abuse. Or knocking off small gas stations to get the extra child-care money.” But we have hope that our workers aren’t going to fall prey to that. And they are not all ex-convicts either. There are some workers filtered in who are role models. They have kids too. These kids have mouths to feed also, and that is where that saying comes in and how you have probably heard it. “I have X-amount of mouths to feed.”