She wasn’t keen on seeing the duke and having to hide, but Camilla understood. They didn’t need people ogling them and whispering. Camilla just wanted to enjoy time with the man she had foolishly fallen in love with.
And foolishly was the right word. Camilla knew it was ridiculous to carry on seeing a man she would never be able to marry, and that she was deluding herself into believing that it could happen. But there would be a time in the near future where Camilla would have to walk away before Wellington found a suitable girl to settle down with.
That suitable girl was certainly not her. That upset her but Camilla knew she had to be realistic. This was only a passing fancy for the duke… and for her. There wasn’t a happy future. She should end things now, Camilla knew that, before she got in too deep.
But that was the problem. She was already in too deep. And Camilla couldn’t bring herself to walk away.
“Miss Lacey.”
Camilla turned from the window. Her maid, Maisie, was at the door to the parlour. Camilla looked at the clock. Wellington was early, much earlier than he normally was. “The duke isn’t here now, is he?”
“No, Miss Lacey. Mr Wright is here to see you.”
Francis was here? Camilla hadn’t seen her friend in a while. He had travelled to Italy to paint and meet other artists. They had written frequently but Camilla had not mentioned Wellington to him. It wasn’t his business, and Camilla had a feeling that Francis Wright would get upset about it. If Amelia was right that Francis was in love with her, mentioning that she was walking out with another man would not go down well.
It wasn’t long before the duke arrived. But Camilla couldn’t turn Francis away.
“All right, Maisie. I’ll see him for a few minutes. You need to escort him out in five.”
“Of course.”
Maisie had been with her since Camilla was fifteen and Maisie thirteen. She was a loyal, shrewd young woman who Camilla trusted implicitly. She had never gone against her mistress.
Maisie left the room and Francis came striding in. Camilla took a moment to look at him. He was looking healthier than he had before. His skin was bronzed, his red-brown hair was longer and tied at the nape of his neck, and there was a glint in his eye. His clothes were made of fine cloth, finer than previous outfits he had worn. Camilla wondered if he had come into some money on the continent.
Francis saw her, and a smile spread across his handsome face. “Camilla, dear.”
“Francis.” Camilla approached him and took his outstretched hands, allowing Francis to kiss them. “It’s lovely to see you. How was Italy?”
“Italy was absolutely beautiful.” Francis chucked her chin. “Just like you.”
“Don’t flatter me.” Camilla swatted him away before indicating for him to sit. “You know it doesn’t work. What are you doing here, anyway?”
“I heard something distressing when I came back to London.”
“Distressing?” Camilla was confused. “What are you talking about?”
“I heard a rumour that didn’t sit well with me, so I thought I’d see you for myself.”
“I’m perfectly well. You didn’t need to worry about me.”
“But I do.”
Camilla didn’t like the way Francis was looking at her. Intense. Even sitting across on the other couch, closer to the fire, he managed to sit on the edge of the cushions and stare at her closely. She tried to laugh off her discomfort. “What could you possibly be worried about? I’m perfectly fine.”
“But you’ve been seen in the company of the Duke of Wellington. Very regularly.”
Camilla could feel her heart sinking. Someone had seen them. It had taken longer than she thought for the rumours to start but it had happened. This couldn’t be good. But she kept herself composed. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Are you courting him?”
Camilla didn’t know what they were doing. Courting implied something serious. Being around the Duke of Wellington didn’t feel like courting. It felt like something more intense, but Camilla wasn’t about to say that. “We’re seeing each other regularly.”
“Do you love him?”
Camilla’s mouth fell open. “Francis, how could you ask me that?”
“Because you wouldn’t go into that without something happening.”
Camilla could feel her face getting warm. Francis knew her better than she realized. And she didn’t like it. “That is none of your business,” she said stiffly.
“It is my business. You’re my friend, Camilla.”
“And I appreciate the friendship we have, but you do not need to worry about me.”
Francis raised his eyebrows. “Really? What happens when he asks you to marry him?”
Camilla scoffed. She stood and turned away, moving towards the window. “That will never happen.” That hurt to say but it was the truth. Camilla knew she could never be the Duchess of Wellington. That was a very far-flung dream that Camilla had no hope of reaching, no matter how she felt about Wellington or how he felt about her.
“How do you know that?”
“Because I’m not suitable for him. We both know that.”
“Then why are you still seeing him?”
Camilla gritted her teeth and spun around, glaring at her friend. “Because I love him,” she snapped. “Satisfied?”
“Not really.” Francis sighed and stood, coming over to her and taking Camilla’s hands in his. “He’s going to hurt you in the long run, Camilla. And I don’t want to the see the vibrant, free-spirited woman I know fall victim to such pain. Please, you need to think about giving him up. There’s no future.”
Camilla didn’t want to hear that. She already knew it but to hear it from someone else… She pulled away from Francis. “This is my life, not yours,” she pointed out. “You are not my father.”
“But if he were still talking to you, he would say exactly the same thing.” Francis didn’t even blink when Camilla gasped in outrage. “What happens if the duke does decide that he wants to marry you? You won’t have the same freedom you have now. You’ll be forced to become something you’re not, so you can play the role of a duchess. No one wants a free spirit for a wife.”
Camilla stiffened. She knew that there was a lot of social restraint, especially for women, but she was sure that the duke wouldn’t expect her to be like everyone else in Society once she—if she—took his name. “Wellington would never do that to me,” she said faintly.
“He might not, but the rest of his family would.” Francis reached for her, his fingers brushing at her jaw. “You would suffer, and the person I know would no longer be there.”
“Don’t talk rubbish.” Camilla pushed his hand away. “There’s not going to be a marriage.”
Francis looked very sceptical. “That’s not what I heard. The duke thinks he’s going to make you his duchess and bend you to what he wants. That’s what is going around right now.”
That was when Camilla faltered. Wellington had never mentioned marriage to her. And she had never heard him say anything so callous. He had always told her that he loved her free spirit and to never change. Was Francis right on this? He had never lied to her before.
Did she want that life for herself? Camilla didn’t know if her love for the duke would be enough. She stepped away from Francis and turned to the window.
“Would you please leave, Francis?”
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Camilla.”
“Yes, you did.” Camilla looked over her shoulder and saw Maisie standing in the doorway. “My maid will show you out. Just go.”
She managed to keep her composure as Francis left the room, his footsteps fading as he crossed the foyer. Then Camilla heard the front door open and close.
It was only then that Camilla slumped onto the window seat and burst into tears.
Chapter 8
Attempting to Move On
W ellington was impatient as his nondescript carriage, the one he had bought especially for travell
ing incognito when visiting Camilla, travelled through the streets to her house. Just knowing that he was going to be in the same room as her had him eager to see her again. And after what Lady Muriel had said to him, Wellington was even more impatient to see that she was well.
He was still simmering in his frustration. His mother had no right to pass judgement on Camilla like that. Camilla had done something that wasn’t right, that was true, but she wasn’t a bad person. Wellington saw the real Camilla Lacey underneath, and she was a genuine, down-to-earth, kind woman. She was just more opinionated than other women.
Wellington liked that. It was refreshing to talk to her about topics that weren’t fashion or the latest gossip. Camilla had some different, fresh ideas about conversations they had had, and Wellington relished the debates.
Maybe they could do that today. Camilla was always up for an argument.
Wellington leapt out of the carriage before it had even stopped and hopped up the steps to the front door, banging on it with his cane. After a few moments, little Maisie opened the door. Wellington felt that something was different already. Maisie was just as opinionated as her mistress and always looked him in the eye. This time though, her eyes were down and she looked unwell.
“Miss Lacey is in the parlour, Your Grace,” she said quietly.
“Thank you.” Wellington stepped inside, frowning at her. “Are you well, Maisie? You’re very pale.”
“I’m perfectly well, Your Grace.” Maisie closed the door and indicated the parlour. “Miss Lacey is waiting.”
Then she was practically scurrying across the hall and down the corridor towards the kitchen. Wellington was confused. Had something happened, and he hadn’t noticed? What had just happened?
He entered the parlour and found Camilla sitting on the window seat, staring out into the street. Wellington hadn’t seen her watching him as he arrived. She didn’t turn as he approached her.
“Camilla?”
Camilla didn’t turn around. She simply stayed staring out at the park across the street.
Wellington touched her shoulder and saw Camilla visibly flinch.
“Please, don’t.”
Wellington drew back. What was going on? Camilla had never reacted like this before. And her quietness was beginning to scare him. “What’s wrong, Camilla? Are you unwell?”
“I…” Camilla audibly swallowed, and she briefly closed her eyes. “This is harder than I thought.”
“What are you talking about?” Wellington watched as Camilla opened her eyes, turned, and stood up, putting a space between them before she spoke. She looked like she was going off to an execution.
“We have to stop this. What we’re doing… we can’t keep going on like this.”
Wellington felt like he had been slapped in the face. She was ending their acquaintance? He never thought she would do that. “Why?”
Camilla rolled her eyes. “Come on, Wellington. You know perfectly well why. I’m not suitable for you. People are beginning to talk.”
“People always talk,” Wellington scoffed.
“There’s your reputation to think of.”
“I don’t care!”
But Camilla was shaking her head, her face falling. “Yes, you do. I can see it in your eyes. I…” She bit her lip before carrying on in a rush. “I don’t want to do this, but we have to finish whatever we’re doing together.”
Wellington could feel the panic rising. Camilla was breaking it off? She had not given an indication that she would do that. They had only seen each other two days before, and Camilla was very reluctant to leave his side. What had happened in the last two days?
He stepped towards her, but Camilla shied away from him. Seeing that broke his heart.
“Please, Camilla,” he pleaded. He had never begged for anything in his life. “Can we talk about this?”
“I’m afraid we can’t.” Camilla looked as though she were about to cry. “You know what your duty is, and it’s not with me. I can’t give you what you want.”
“How about you let me decide what I want.”
“I can’t.”
She was adamant about this. Wellington had had a feeling things would end, but he didn’t believe they would end so quickly. Not when he was this deep with his own emotions. He had made up his mind to ask Camilla to marry him, no matter what anyone said. And she was breaking it off.
He felt as though she had ripped his heart out and snapped it in half.
“What if I don’t want to stop?”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t want it to. I don’t want it to stop, either. But it has to be done.” Camilla’s hands were twisting together. “Please, Will. Just go.”
Wellington stopped and stared. Camilla really meant it. The only time when she used his Christian name was when she needed him to listen. But that was few and far between. Camilla’s face was going white, and she was looking markedly distressed. His heart aching for her, Wellington reached for her, but Camilla slapped his hands away.
“Go!”
Wellington knew he couldn’t fight this. When Camilla said something, she meant it. And she was right, they didn’t really have a future. Not with her reputation and his title between them. If they were lesser people, it could have worked. But Camilla was more levelheaded than Wellington right now. “All right. I’m going. But after I’ve taken something from you.”
Grabbing Camilla by the arms, Wellington pulled her against him, kissing her. Camilla gasped but didn’t push him away. He could feel her hands clenching against his chest, trying not to reach for him. Wellington wanted to hold onto this moment for longer, but she would not let him.
Finally, he released her. Her mouth was swollen and her eyes were bright and startled. Wellington stepped back to stop himself from reaching for her again.
“If you’re going to push me away, I can take that, at least.” He gave her a bow before turning abruptly and leaving the room. There was a sob from the parlour which made him pause. But Wellington knew if he went back in there, he wouldn’t leave. And Camilla didn’t want him right now.
With a heavy heart, he left the house, slamming the door behind him.
***
The next three weeks passed in a blur. Wellington could barely remember what was happening. It was like he was in a thick fog that he could barely get out of. Losing Camilla and having to walk away from her had been harder than Wellington realized. It had hit him right in the gut.
But she had been right. There was no future for them. However, it didn’t make Wellington feel any better.
He tried everything to forget her. He even bent to his mother’s will and agreed to a match with Marianne Lewis. Wellington knew if he had been in his right mind he would never have agreed to it, but he had no heart to argue anymore. If he couldn’t have Camilla, he might as well just shut himself off, and it would stop his mother pestering him to find a wife.
There would be no children. Before, Wellington hadn’t cared about that. Now there was a hollow feeling in his chest at the knowledge he would never have any little ones.
If Camilla wasn’t the mother of his children, he didn’t want any at all. Marianne would be getting a very rude awakening on her wedding night in the coming week.
“Brother?”
Wellington started and looked up. Fitzroy was sitting beside him in the library, looking at him in concern. Wellington realized he had been sitting through the after-dinner conversation with his mother and the Lewis family and had barely heard a word, choosing to stare into the flames burning in the hearth.
He was there in the room, but Wellington couldn’t bring himself to say that things were well with him.
“Fitz.” Wellington shifted and managed to save his glass before the contents spilled onto the floor. “Forgive me. I was miles away.”
“I could see that.” Fitzroy nodded across the room. “Mother’s been giving you evil looks all evening because of your behaviour.”
“You’re here as well. She�
��s always giving you nasty looks.”
“They’re never directed at you.”
Wellington sighed. He had noticed as well. His mother kept pinching and poking him, telling him to smile more and look like he was enjoying himself. “I haven’t got any motivation to care what she thinks right now.”
Fitzroy knew about that. His brother was aware of Wellington’s dalliance with Camilla and had kept quiet about it. Fitzroy turned to him with a concerned look. “Talk to me, Wellington. We used to talk, and you haven’t done that with me for nearly a month. Not since you and Camilla Lacey ended your relationship.”
“Can you blame me? I miss her.” Wellington stared at his glass. “A lot.”
“Oh, dear.”
“What?”
“You’re in love with her.”
It wasn’t a question. And Wellington had no desire to deny it. He had been very much aware of his feelings towards Camilla but hadn’t voiced them to anyone. The day he had been intending to tell Camilla, she had broken it off with him. It had been stewing away in his mind and Wellington couldn’t shake it off.
Camilla had ruined him for any other woman.
“You noticed, then?”
“Of course I did.” Fitzroy snorted. “That’s the only thing that would put you in a bad mood, other than knowing you’re going to marry Marianne Lewis.”
Wellington chuckled in spite of himself. He looked across at Marianne, who looked handsome in her dark blue dress, her blonde hair piled up on her head, as she laughed and simpered with Lady Muriel. She looked like the perfect duchess.
But Wellington couldn’t see any warmth in her smile, there was no laughter in her eyes. And her conversational topics were very restrictive. Wellington didn’t want to talk about fashion or the latest hairstyle. He wanted to discuss more meaningful things.
“Just the thought of marrying the woman makes me uncomfortable.”
“Then why don’t you just say this isn’t happening? I’m shocked you’ve let it go on as long as you have.”
“My duty comes first, Fitz.”
Fitzroy huffed and stood, pacing in front of the fire before spinning around on his brother. “For goodness’ sake, Will!” he hissed.
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