Tonight she would be reading Psalm 25. Why not now?
In You, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in You; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame. Shannon stopped there, her finger resting on the last word as the tears of shame she promised herself she wasn’t going to shed slipped down her cheeks.
Shame. She had lived with it so long. Had let it define her. Now, with the silence from Ben resounding through her life, once again she was letting a man define who she would be.
She turned back to the Bible and read on.
Show me Your ways, Lord, teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior and my hope is in You all day long.
She let the words seep into her soul as a sense of surety washed over her. She was God’s child. That’s where her identity was. That’s where her hope lay. She thought Arthur had visited shame on her life, but she had let it take over and had let that event overcome the most basic truth of her life.
She was Shannon Deacon, child of God. Her hope was in God and nothing else.
Whatever happened to her now she had to put into the perspective of who she was and where her hope lay.
Even as the words of comfort stole into her soul, she felt an ache for what she had almost had.
Help me to trust in You. To put my identity in You, she prayed. Help me to cling to You, Lord, and Your promises.
She clutched the Bible, as if to let the words, by osmosis, seep into her life and become a part of her essence.
She didn’t need Ben. She didn’t need Arthur.
She only needed her Lord.
Chapter Thirteen
Shannon trudged to the kitchen, her feet aching and her head pounding. She had just come off one of the twelve-hour shifts she had taken on to fill her empty days.
Each beep of her phone sent her heart into overdrive, but she’d heard nothing from Ben.
No text. No call.
It was like Arthur all over again.
Each evening her nana would put food in front of her, a concerned look on her face, and each evening Shannon made a game effort to get it down.
Each evening she returned to her Bible and each evening received strength from what she read.
She thought of how long it had taken her to get over Arthur and took comfort from that. She’d gotten through that; she would get through this.
The thought was cold comfort. Because she knew losing Ben was a much deeper, harder blow. She and Ben had talked about things she had never spoken to Arthur about. In the short time she had gotten to know Ben, she’d learned he was a better man. And she also knew he was a better fit for her.
And now this?
She dropped her purse on the kitchen table and saw the note from her nana propped up against the fruit bowl.
Soup in the fridge. Don’t forget that you promised to come to book club tonight.
Shannon discharged a weary sigh as she glanced at the clock. She didn’t feel like heading out in an hour. Not after a long, hard shift at the hospital.
Yet, part of her knew she needed to, to put her past with Arthur behind her for good.
While the soup heated up in the microwave, she went upstairs and changed from her scrubs to street clothes. She could have a shower tonight when she got back. She glanced in the mirror above her dresser and made a face at her reflection. Minimal makeup, hair still pulled back in a utilitarian ponytail.
Then she waved her hand at the mirror as if dismissing what she saw. What did it matter? Book club was just a group of women.
She tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear and as she did, caught the reflection of the gold nugget hanging around her neck.
She fingered it a moment, thinking of August Klauer, how he had chosen to come back. And Ben? Would he come back?
Shannon closed her eyes, trying to understand what she should feel. She knew she cared deeply for Ben and his leaving without contact hurt her more than it should have.
What would the people of Hartley Creek think? She had skipped church on Sunday, choosing to work instead so she could avoid questions about where Ben was.
She let go of the necklace and took a deep breath.
Please, Lord, help me to find my trust and my identity in You, she prayed as she walked to her closet.
As she pulled open the door she heard the swish of the plastic garment bag hanging from the back. She pulled it down and held it out at arm’s length, her gaze flicking up and down the dress.
A brief image of Ben, standing in the door of her apartment while she wore this same dress, flitted into her mind and she wondered what he’d thought then. How he’d seen her.
Had he pitied her?
She quashed the memory, then folded the dress over her arm and headed down the stairs. Supper and then book club and then this chapter of her life was over.
* * *
Ben finally switched his phone on before he made that last turn onto the highway leading into Hartley Creek. He had needed the time away, time to think and clear his head. And though he was sure the reception up in the mountains was nonexistent, he didn’t want the distractions of his cell phone.
He had spent time walking, thinking, praying and trying to figure out what he had to do next. He knew his thoughts would be clearer away from the distraction of Shannon and Arthur and the questions surrounding their possible reunion.
And though he was unsure of Shannon, he at least had come back from this trip much more sure of his calling. As Shannon had told him, he had made many sacrifices to become a doctor and many sacrifices since then. His job had come with a cost, but he knew not being a doctor would cost him more in terms of his identity. He knew he had poured too much of his energy into the job before, but at the same time it was an important job.
And it was a job he could do here in Hartley Creek. His mother was here and he had slowly been finding community, something he hadn’t found in his years in Ottawa.
When he came back into town, the first thing he would do was go to the hospital and talk to the administrator.
He held up his phone, glancing at the number of messages showing up on the screen. He pulled his truck over to the side of the road, trying to stifle a trickle of apprehension as he checked the ten messages on his phone.
His mother. His mother again. Dan at the hardware store. Arthur simply asking Ben to call him back. His mother again with some obscure message asking him to please come to book club tonight if he came back on time. It was important.
Nothing from Shannon.
What did you expect? You walked away from her.
To give her and Arthur space.
Oh, very self-sacrificial. Did you ask her if that’s what she wanted?
Ben stilled the accusing voice. He had made his decision out of respect for Shannon. If she wanted him in her life, he figured she would let him know.
And if she didn’t?
His heart turned over at the thought, but he clung to the words from 1 Corinthians 4 that he’d read while he was in the mountains. Words that reminded him of his own responsibilities.
Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.
He had been given the trust of his skill as a doctor. He was good at what he did. Now he had to be faithful with what he had been given. He didn’t know where Shannon fit into all of this. For the moment he simply had to do what lay in front of him and what was required of him.
As he turned onto the street his mother and Mrs. Beck lived on, his eyes flew to Mrs. Beck’s house. Shannon’s car was still parked at the curb.
And Arthur’s was gone.
Were they out together?
He pus
hed the questions aside, grabbed his stuff and was about to head toward his house when the door of Mrs. Beck’s house opened.
Then Shannon stepped out.
He frowned. She wasn’t with Arthur.
And as she came down the walk, he noticed she was carrying a garment bag. The same bag that held her old wedding dress.
She was frowning as she walked, digging in her purse for her keys and then, when she got them out, she looked up.
Directly at him.
She halted midstride and her keys slipped out of her fingers onto the ground. She didn’t pick them up. Instead she just stared.
Ben felt his heart downshift. Then, before he realized what he was doing, he had dropped his knapsack and was walking toward her, drawn by the longing he saw in his gaze.
“You’re back,” she breathed, her hands trembling.
He wanted to ask her a hundred questions, but instead, bent over to pick up her keys. She’d had the same idea and they met, kneeling on the ground, their hands tangling as they grasped the keys at the same time.
Ben yanked his hand back as Shannon picked up the keys. Then, as she straightened, she lost her grip on the garment bag.
Ben caught the bag and Shannon let go a nervous laugh.
“I’m all thumbs today,” she said.
Ben still held the bag, looking from her to the dress and then back to Shannon again.
“I’m guessing this is your wedding dress?”
She nodded as she took it from him. “I’m bringing it to book club. Nana was telling me about a young girl that joined them. She’s getting married and can’t afford to buy a new dress.”
Ben blinked as her words registered. “You’re giving it away?”
She nodded, shaking out the bag and settling it over one arm. “I don’t have any use for it.”
He looked at the dress again, recognizing what it symbolized
“I thought…you and Arthur…he wanted you back.” Even as he stammered out the words, hope kindled deep in his soul.
“He didn’t get me.” Her words were abrupt, almost harsh. “I’m not something to be put down and picked up at will. Ignored when inconvenient and then paid attention to when the time is right.”
The bitterness in her words were like a lash. As if she was including him in her indignation with his brother.
“I’m not sure what you’re saying,” he said, holding her narrowed gaze.
Shannon shifted her feet, the garment bag rustling as she did so. “Why did you leave?”
Through the accusation in her voice he caught a note of dismay. Disappointment. And something he hardly dared acknowledge.
Sorrow?
“I left to give you space.”
“For what?”
Ben sighed as a sudden breeze swirled around them as if picking up on Shannon’s agitation. He tried to hold her gaze, but she stared down at the keys she held in her hands, her knuckles white.
“I saw Arthur before he took you out that morning,” Ben said, choosing his words as carefully as he would his instruments. “He sounded so confident. Like he was so sure you two were getting back together again. I knew… I remembered how devastated you were when he left.” His gaze flicked to the dress she had bunched over her arm, like it was another item of clothing instead of the symbol of her dreams. “I also didn’t know what you and he talked about that night he called you. So I thought if you two were getting back together again, I didn’t want to be in the way.”
Nor did he want to be a witness to it, but he didn’t say that.
Shannon’s grip on the keys and the dress loosened and as the breeze died down a sigh slipped past her parted lips. “He phoned to ask me to meet him. To talk to him.” Then she looked up at him and the embers of hope that had kindled began to glow. “I agreed because I wanted to be done with him. I wanted that part of my life over.”
“Is it?”
She pressed her lips together and nodded, then looked up at him. “I learned a lot about myself in the last couple of days. The main thing is that my identity is not defined by who I am with. My identity is in Christ.”
She spoke the words with a ringing authority that both encouraged him and, at the same time, raised a niggle of doubt.
“So you don’t need anyone in your life? You don’t need me?” he asked.
She looked up again, into his eyes, as if searching for the right answer to give him.
“I don’t know how to answer that. When you left, I thought it was a repetition of all the other times I’ve been left. I still don’t know what to think.”
Her cautious response ignited the embers of hope. He took the keys from her hand and dropped them into his pocket, then folded her hand in his. “I didn’t only leave to give you and Arthur space, I left to give myself time to think. To make sure I was making decisions for the right reasons. I want you to know I’ve decided to stay in Hartley Creek and take the job in the hospital.”
Her eyes flew to his and her smile grew as her hand tightened on his. “That’s wonderful. I’m so glad.”
“It’s a big step for me, but I’m sure I’ll be okay.” Then he lifted her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss over her knuckles. “But I know I’d be more than okay if you were here.”
“What are you saying?” Her voice was breathless, as if she hardly dare ask for confirmation.
Ben glanced down at the wedding dress hanging at half-mast over her arm, a symbol of other lost dreams. He gently removed it and laid it on the grass; then he stood, took both her hands in his and looked into her eyes.
“I’m saying that I don’t want to live here without you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you. I know you’ve heard these words before but I’m hoping that you’ll believe they mean more this time than they ever have. I love you. And I’m hoping that you are willing to trust that I am a man who keeps my promises.”
Shannon closed her eyes and Ben saw tears drifting down her cheeks.
He couldn’t stand it anymore. He pulled her close and then, taking another chance, captured her mouth with his. She melted against him and her arms captured him and held him close.
All doubts fled and second thoughts were quelled by their embrace.
Ben was the first to pull away and he tucked Shannon’s head against his neck, his stubbled chin resting against her hair.
“I love you, Shannon Deacon, and I promise I won’t leave you willingly.” He tightened his hug. “I want to spend the rest of my life keeping that promise.”
Shannon clung to him for a moment longer, then drew away. “I like those kind of promises,” she said quietly, reaching up to cup his chin in her hand. “And I make the same promise. I’ll never leave.”
Ben looked down at her, his heart full, hardly daring to believe that they were together, all misunderstandings swept away.
For now it was just Shannon and Ben and the promise of a future together.
He touched her necklace, his smile rueful. “August Klauer made the right choice when he came down that mountain to stay. I know I did, too.”
Shannon covered his hand with hers, her smile as bright as the sun that shone down on them like a blessing on their promises.
“I’m glad you came back.”
“Even though I smell like smoke, need a shave and a shower and a change of clothes?”
Shannon laughed at that. “I’m sure August Klauer didn’t smell a whole lot different and I’m sure Kamiskahk didn’t care, either.” As if to prove it, she stood up on tiptoes and kissed his stubbled cheek.
He caught her hand, his eyes searching hers as he grew serious.
“And are you going to be okay with staying in Hartley Creek?” he asked, needing to be assured the shadows in her li
fe had been banished.
“More than okay,” she said, her smile serene. “If I’m with you.”
He dropped another kiss on her forehead.
Then the wind picked up and lifted the dress up, tumbling it across the grass. Shannon pulled away and in a few steps captured it. She returned to Ben, a pensive smile curving her lips as she looked at her watch. “I’m supposed to meet that girl in a couple of minutes.” She paused, glancing up at him, her hand adjusting the folds of the garment bag.
Ben read the unspoken question in her eyes and even though he still smelled like wood smoke and needed a shave and a shower, he took the garment bag from her hands. “Why don’t I come with you? My mother left some message on my phone about coming to book club tonight. Said it was important.”
“That would be great,” she said, relief tingeing her voice.
“Can we take your car?” he asked. “My truck is kind of dirty. Don’t want to mess up the dress.”
“No problem.” Shannon rearranged the dress, then bent to retrieve her dropped purse. “I have to find my keys now.”
Ben dug into his pocket and pulled them out. “I’ve got them,” he said, holding them out to her. “I’ll trade you for that dress.”
She took the keys and handed him the clear, plastic garment bag.
He held it out at arm’s length, examining the dress with a critical eye.
“Something wrong?” Shannon asked.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just remember picking this dress up off the sidewalk when you moved in and wondering why you still had it. Now it’s leaving. Best thing that ever happened to this dress.” He flashed Shannon a smile as he walked to the car. She opened the back door. He laid the dress on the seat and shut the door with a decisive thud.
She looked from the dress to him, and then suddenly she caught him by the arms, reached up and kissed him full on the mouth.
“What was that for?” he asked, pleased, but surprised at the impulsive gesture.
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