“Stupid fantasy,” she murmured as she whipped up a batch of brownies on Thursday morning.
She’d just put the glass pan into the oven, when Tiffany walked into the kitchen and announced, “I’m leaving. I’m going back home. Mom’s coming to pick me up in an hour.”
Noelle was torn between amusement at her sister’s self-made drama and the uncomfortable realization that she was one person closer to being totally alone.
“Okay,” she said. “I’ve enjoyed having you here.”
“I guess I have to thank you for letting me stay,” Tiffany said, not sounding the least bit gracious. “But you weren’t very fun. There are too many rules here. Even Mom doesn’t have this many rules.”
Noelle didn’t bother pointing out that she and her mother had exactly the same rules. If Tiffany needed that as an excuse to go home, Noelle was all for it.
“Are you all packed?” she asked her sister. “Do you need any help?”
Tiffany’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re happy to see me go, aren’t you? You’ve hated having me here.”
“What? No.” Noelle moved close and touched her arm. “Tiff, I’ve really liked having you here. It’s been fun being in the same house again. I’ve missed that. I’m not trying to push you out. I just know that when you’ve made up your mind, it’s made up. My offer to help you pack was just that. An offer to help.”
Tiffany didn’t look convinced. “You shouldn’t be like that. All stiff and full of rules. I know it’s why Dev left.”
Noelle knew her sister was lashing out, hurting in return for being hurt. It didn’t matter that Noelle hadn’t meant to wound. Still, the words did what they were supposed to.
“Dev left for a lot of complicated reasons,” she said quietly.
“He left because you have too many rules and you’re no fun. He was hardly ever home. He didn’t want to be around you.”
Tiffany’s angry outburst articulated every one of Noelle’s personal fears. She ached inside for what she’d wanted and lost without ever having.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Noelle told her.
“See,” Tiffany said. “You don’t even care that he’s gone. You’re not crying. Why aren’t you crying?”
It was too difficult to explain that there weren’t any tears left. Not for Dev or their relationship. Noelle wasn’t sure how to fix things because she was still having trouble figuring out the problem.
“This isn’t about you,” Noelle said. “This is about Dev and me. I’m not going to talk about it.”
“He left because of me, didn’t he?” Tiffany asked as she sank onto the floor. “I was too much trouble. It’s all my fault.”
Noelle sighed. Of course. Her sister was all bravado, but behind that brave face was a typical, confused teenager.
She crouched down and pulled Tiffany close. “Dev’s leaving had nothing to do with you. Even if you’d never been born, he would have gone away.”
Tiffany stared at her. “Promise?”
Noelle kissed the top of her head. “Cross my heart.”
“He shouldn’t have left. That wasn’t very nice. Mom says all newly married couples have problems and the only way to work them out is to live through them.”
“Good advice.”
“You should tell Dev. Or have Mom talk to him. Then he’ll come back and you can be happy again.”
“An interesting idea,” Noelle said, not yet ready to send her mother in to clean up this mess. “Whatever happens with Dev, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
Tiffany sniffed. “I’ve had a good time being with you, but I kinda miss home. You know, my room and stuff. Plus, there’s only a few more weeks until Lily leaves for college and I’d like to spend time with her and Summer.” She shifted onto her knees. “I know. With Dev gone, you could move back, too. It could be like before.”
Noelle glanced at her wedding band. “It can never be like it was before. I’m married now.” And pregnant, she thought, knowing it was about time to tell everyone there would be a baby in the new year.
Tiffany sighed. “I always thought growing up would be really cool, but it isn’t always, is it?”
Noelle smiled at her. “Honestly, sometimes being an adult is a total drag.”
* * *
NOELLE TRIED TO read a magazine in the doctor’s office, but she couldn’t focus. Her appointment was for her first ultrasound and she was five different kinds of nervous.
Logically she knew everything was fine. Why wouldn’t it be? But this was new and strange and scary and she was by herself.
She’d thought about asking her mom to come along, but she’d started a new job only a couple of weeks before and Noelle didn’t want her to have to take time off so soon. When the appointment had been made, Noelle had assumed Dev would be with her. That would have been plenty of moral support.
She set down the magazine and picked up another one with a cute baby on the cover. Her child was growing inside of her. She still had virtually no symptoms except for the fact that her stomach was getting bigger. She kept waiting for morning sickness or breast tenderness, but so far, nothing.
The door to the waiting room opened. Noelle glanced up, then nearly fell off her chair when Dev walked in. He crossed to where she was sitting and took the chair next to hers.
“You’re here,” she said, and then felt foolish for stating the obvious.
“You have an appointment. I wanted to be with you for the ultrasound.”
He looked different, she thought as she stared at his face, noting shadows that hadn’t been there before. Did he look thinner and more tired? Or was she just hoping that he was missing her?
Maybe she was an idiot, but she couldn’t help being happy to see him. She wanted to touch him and talk to him. She wanted to know everything he’d been doing. It felt as if they’d been apart a year instead of six days.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “Are you feeling all right?”
“I’m good. Busy with my class. Tiffany moved out. Apparently she finally missed home.”
What she really wanted to say was that she missed him with a desperation that couldn’t be explained in just words. That she wanted him back home, in her life and in her bed. That she would try to love him a little less if he would try to love her a little more and maybe they could meet in the middle.
Instead she asked, “How are you doing?”
“Good. I have suppliers in from China. I’ve been in meetings with them most of the week.” He glanced at his watch. “Katherine is taking them on a tour of the city and we’re getting back together when I’m done here.”
He sounded busy. “You didn’t have to come.”
He took her hand. “I wanted to. Noelle, there are some things I need to talk to you about. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
Her chest gave a little squeeze of hope. “About good things or bad things?” she asked.
He smiled. “Important things. My suppliers are leaving tomorrow. Can I come by in the afternoon and we’ll talk?”
Only if he was going to tell her that he wanted to try again. She didn’t think she could handle him suggesting they get a divorce now.
“I’ll be home,” she said. “Can you give me a hint as to the topic?”
Just then a nurse stepped into the waiting room and called her name.
Timing, Noelle thought glumly. Life was all about timing.
* * *
TWENTY MINUTES LATER Noelle was on the table with Dev at her side, clutching her hand as tightly as she was clutching his.
“Okay, we’re going to go through this slowly,” the technician said. “I’ll explain what we’re seeing.” She smiled. “It’s not always intuitive. And to answer the question I nearly always get on a f
irst ultrasound, yes, that’s really a baby.”
She showed them the baby’s head and spine. “It’s too early to know the gender, but you two need to decide if you want to know in advance or not.”
Noelle looked at Dev. “What do you think?”
He shook his head. “I’m still grasping the fact that we’re having a baby. It’s real.”
She smiled. “Soon we’ll have the dirty diapers to prove it.”
The technician hesitated, then set down her wand. “I’ll be right back.”
She left. Noelle stared at the now blank monitor. “I don’t know who thought this machine up, but it’s great. I can’t wait until I’m further along and we can see more of the baby. I can’t decide about the gender thing. It would be nice to have the room ready, but I also like the idea of a surprise.”
Dev bent down and kissed her. Anything else she’d planned on saying flew out of her brain.
The technician returned, along with the doctor.
“All right,” the doctor said. “Now I want you both to take a deep breath. I’m sure everything is fine.” She picked up the wand and turned on the screen, then moved the wand over Noelle’s stomach.
Noelle felt a sudden rush of cold. “You’re saying something could be wrong with the baby? It’s not growing right?”
Dev’s fingers tightened around her own. She looked at him and saw fear in his eyes.
“I don’t know,” her doctor admitted. “To be sure, I’d like to do an amniocentesis. Are you familiar with that? The results take about two to three weeks and will let us know if everything is all right.”
Noelle stared at Dev. This couldn’t be happening, she thought frantically. Not the baby.
“It’s going to be fine,” he told her, looking into her eyes with such incredible focus, she knew he could actually will it to be true.
“I’m scared.”
“Me, too. But we’re in this together.”
* * *
NOELLE STILL FELT numb with shock as she and Dev left the doctor’s office. They’d been reassured that everything was probably all right and better to be safe and all that, but she wasn’t feeling very safe.
“I’ll follow you home,” Dev said as he pulled out his cell phone.
“What?” She looked at him. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not. I’ll call Katherine and explain I won’t be coming back. She can handle our suppliers for the rest of the day.”
As much as Noelle would have liked the company, she also felt a strong need to be alone. To figure out what all this meant to her.
“I’m fine,” she said. “Really. I just want to go home and rest for a while. You go ahead and deal with your people. We can talk another time.”
“I don’t think you should be by yourself.”
She forced herself to smile. Strength was required, she told herself. For all she knew, Dev had been planning to tell her he was never coming back.
“There’s nothing either of us can do,” she pointed out. “We can’t change what is happening with the baby. We’ll find out when the results are in. In the meantime, I’m going to assume everything is fine and live my life. You go back to work.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“Of course I do. I’m seriously all right, Dev. I promise.”
He didn’t look like he believed her, but he did put away his cell phone. “I still want to come over tomorrow.”
“That’s fine. I’ll be home all afternoon.”
He walked her to her car, then kissed her cheek. “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll be right there.”
“I appreciate that, but don’t worry. Go.”
She gave him a little push toward his car, then slid into her own. As he walked away, she felt the fear return. It crashed over her, draining her of everything but the ability to breathe and wait. How would she ever survive two or three weeks of not knowing?
Dev turned back to look at her. She gave him a smile and a wave and wondered when, exactly, she’d turned into such a good liar.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
NOELLE MANAGED TO get through the day without too much trouble, but night was another matter. She put off getting into bed until she was exhausted, but the second she lay down on the cool, clean sheets, her entire body went on alert.
Her heart raced, her head filled with questions and fear claimed her. It moved through her body like a living creature, stealing away breath and hope and will. She knew she had to fight the sensation, that she had to stay strong and try to relax, but it was impossible.
What if something was wrong with the baby? She was pretty sure she could stand anything but losing it. Medical problems could be fixed. Other kinds of problems could be dealt with. But not having a baby at all was unbearable.
She turned onto her side and curled up as tightly as she could, as if she could use the rest of her body to shield what was growing inside. She felt lost and alone and knew nothing would ever be all right until she heard from the doctor with good news.
“Please God,” she prayed silently over and over. “Let everything be okay with the baby. Please.”
She waited for the peace that usually followed her quiet, spiritual times, but there was only the low-grade gnawing that drained her of everything but terror. She’d left on a lamp on the nightstand, but even the soft glow in the room did nothing to chase away the shadows in her heart.
She fought against tears. To give in now would be to let the fear win. Strong, she told herself. She would be strong and powerful. The reality was, she didn’t know anything, so why assume the worst?
But it was hard to be brave, so very hard. She ached inside and out. She felt cold and lost and—
The bedroom door opened. Before she could react, she saw Dev enter the room.
He crossed to the bed, kicked off his shoes, then joined her on the mattress. Without saying anything, he gathered her in his arms and held her close.
“You’re not alone,” he whispered. “I’m here, too. We’ll get through this the same way we started. Together.”
He felt warm and strong and alive. She let herself hold on to him, her head resting on his shoulder, her legs comfortably trapped by his.
“I’m scared,” she admitted. “Really, really scared.”
“Me, too. I shouldn’t have gone back to work. I should have been here for you.”
“I was okay until I came to bed.”
“I wasn’t,” he told her. “I couldn’t concentrate. I kept thinking about you and the baby and wondering if I made this happen by thinking this was just another one of Jimmy’s messes I had to clean up.”
She raised her head and looked at him. “Life isn’t like that. Not only doesn’t the universe punish you for what you think, you simply don’t have that much power. You can’t think something wrong or better. Things simply are.”
“I know that in my head,” he said. “I’m sorry I said it to you. I’m sorry I thought it in the first place. For a long time the baby wasn’t real to me. It was a fact, something to handle. But not a real person.”
She understood that. For her the baby had been an intellectual exercise, too. “Things changed,” she said.
He nodded. “That first visit to the doctor made the baby real. It also terrified me. I wasn’t ready to be a father. Not because I don’t want to be tied down, but because I don’t want to mess up. I want to do everything right.”
“That’s not going to happen. None of us is perfect. We make mistakes. The point is to never stop trying to be the best we can be. Especially when there’s a child in the mix.”
“You are the wisest person I know,” he told her.
She managed a smile. “Then you need to get out more.”
He chuckled. “I mean it. You’re amazing. I love
d my brother and I’m sorry he’s gone, but if he’d lived and you two had gotten married, he never would have realized how lucky he was.”
Her heart fluttered and for the first time in several hours, it wasn’t with fear. “We might have made it.”
“I don’t want to think about that,” Dev admitted. “I don’t want to think about you with someone else. What if you had married Jimmy? We would have met and become friends. I would have thought you were great.”
“I would have thought the same,” she admitted, not sure where the conversation was going, but wanting to be there for the ride.
“But you would have been focused on him and I would have been...” He touched her cheek. “I would have been screwed. I would have woken up one morning and realized I was completely and totally in love with the woman married to my brother.”
She forgot to breathe. “Dev...”
His dark gaze locked with hers. “I love you, Noelle. I’m sorry I was such an idiot about everything. That it took me so long to figure things out. I can give you all the reasons, if you’d like.”
Hope grew. The white light of it burned away the fear. “The reasons would be nice,” she said.
He smiled. “You deserve them. Okay, for the longest time I’ve thought that love makes a person weak. I thought my mother died of a broken heart. I’d forgotten how she’d twisted love in her mind until there was only duty and service. I’d forgotten how grateful I was when she died and I didn’t have to feel guilty all the time about not pleasing her enough. Then I felt horrible for wanting her gone and I thought I’d had something to do with her getting sick. I never sat down and worked it out. I just had undefined feelings that made me uncomfortable about getting close.”
He tucked her hair behind her ears. “Jimmy was another complication. I didn’t know what to do with him. How to make him better. My dad says some people are just born to take the hard road and that Jimmy’s one of them. I still have to think on that. But the message I still got from that was love makes you weak. Then I met you.”
“Technically we ran into each other.”
“That’s right. And I’ll be grateful for the rest of my life. Noelle, you have shown me that real love makes a person strong. Your power comes from faith and love. It always has. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to love me, but I don’t want that to ever change. I’m sorry for what I put you through and I hope you can forgive me. I’m willing to work at proving myself. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
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