The thing was, he didn’t want to. He wasn’t sure why this got to him, but it did.
“I mean it,” she told him. “I am sorry.”
“I know you are. You don’t have to keep saying that.”
“You’re still upset.”
He consciously relaxed. “I’m a guy. We don’t get upset.”
One corner of her mouth twitched. “Crabby, then. You’re a little crabby and moody.”
He growled low in his throat and she laughed. Her hand settled on his arm.
“Seriously,” she said. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“I know. I’m fine. Let’s change the subject.”
She hesitated, then tugged him over to the sofa. “How was your day?”
“Good. We’re getting close to making the bust.”
“Will that be dangerous?”
“Not especially.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” she asked.
“Not a clue.”
In truth, there was always a risk, but it was minor and he didn’t want to worry her.
“Then what?” she asked. “Do you take another undercover assignment?”
“Maybe.” He hadn’t decided. “You hungry? I can set up the grill.”
“Sure. I cleared a spot on the back balcony. I didn’t think it would be a good idea for my plants to go up in flames.”
Nearly an hour later, dinner was prepared. He brought in the steaks, while she served salad and baked potatoes.
She moved with an easy grace that made him think of other things she did well. But instead of getting lost in his ever-present passion, he pushed his need away. There were different things they had to deal with and this seemed to be as good a time as any.
“Tell me about the guys you were engaged to before,” he said.
She froze in the act of passing him salad dressing. “Excuse me?”
Okay, maybe not his smoothest transition, but he’d been thinking about her previous engagements. “I’ve been wondering what went wrong,” he admitted. “You wouldn’t have agreed to marry them in the first place if they’d been jerks.”
She passed over the bottle of ranch dressing and gave him a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks for the support on that assumption,” she said, her voice light but wary. “They weren’t jerks. I realized I wasn’t in love with either of them.”
“Why?” he asked bluntly. “What changed? Was it them? Was it you?”
She picked up her fork, then set it down. “I’m not sure who changed. With Brett, we were both young. We’d met our freshman year, sort of clinging to each other for support. Neither of us had dated much before that. We started out as friends and things progressed from there. After a while the relationship turned serious.”
“So he proposed?”
She nodded slowly. “I was kind of surprised, actually. But in a good way. He was nice and sweet and I thought...” She shrugged. “I thought I was in love with him.”
Carter wasn’t excited to hear about the other men in her life, but he knew the information was important.
“What changed your mind?” he asked.
“I just wasn’t. I still cared about him, but not in a romantic way. I realized that for me the relationship hadn’t really gone past friendship. I’d been excited by the thought of a serious boyfriend, but I hadn’t considered that Brett wasn’t the right guy for me.”
Logical, he thought. He almost believed her. “And the other one?”
“This isn’t exactly dinner conversation,” she told him.
“I don’t mind, if you don’t.”
He suspected she wanted to say she did mind, but couldn’t figure out how.
“Okay. Well, I met Ray in my senior year of college. I was a student teaching a couple of days a week and he was a teacher at the same school. We were a lot alike. He was great with kids and funny and really smart. He was getting his PhD in education at night and planned on becoming a principal.”
Carter hated the guy immediately. “So what happened?”
Rachel sighed. “The usual. He asked me out, I accepted and things progressed fairly quickly. I fell in love with him. He proposed, I said yes, we set a date.”
His muscles clenched. “And?”
“And I couldn’t imagine myself married to him. There was nothing wrong with him. I was the problem. I broke things off and returned the ring.” She looked at him. “I’m sorry this isn’t more dramatic. If I’d known I was supposed to provide entertainment during dinner, I would have planned better stories.”
He’d annoyed her, but that was the least of his problems. “You don’t let people in,” he said.
She stared at him. “Excuse me? I tell you about two relationships and you’re ready to make a judgment on my character?”
“It’s not a judgment. I’m stating a fact. You don’t let people get close.”
She put her napkin on the table and glared at him. “At least I can count the number of relationships I’ve had without having to get out a calculator. If you want to talk about people who aren’t willing to take that next step, maybe you should look in the mirror.”
“I didn’t believe in the next step,” he said. “You did. You wanted to get married and have kids. You wanted normal. So why did you agree to marry two different guys only to back out when it all got too real?”
She stood. “Let me guess. You’re going to tell me everything that’s wrong with me. How helpful. I should probably listen. After all, you have plenty of experience with women.”
He’d hurt her, which he hadn’t meant to do. He rose. “Rachel, stop. I’m not saying this to upset you. I’m trying to understand. You’re an incredible woman. I’ve seen you with the kids in your class. You’re warm and caring and they adore you. So why aren’t you married? Why weren’t either of those other guys the one?”
“You tell me,” she said tightly.
Damn. He hadn’t wanted the conversation to go this way. But now that it had... “You don’t let people in. Your friends, my family, even me, we only get so far.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she told him. “Maybe I don’t let you in because I don’t want to. Based on your track record, you’re not exactly a good bet in the romance department. Besides, this isn’t real. Those were your rules. Pretend dating so we could break up later. I find it interesting that you weren’t willing to get to know the woman having your child.”
“I was interested,” he told her, doing his best to stay focused and logical. “You came to me with papers for me to sign giving up the rights to my kid. You made it clear from the start that you weren’t in this for anything but the baby.”
“Right. So you’re saying that otherwise, you would have tried to make things work with me?”
“Yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t believe you. You’ve made a career out of not committing. At least I’ve tried.”
“What makes you think I haven’t? Because I haven’t gotten engaged and then changed my mind? Is that the measure of a real commitment? Because if that’s what you want, let’s do it. We’ll get engaged. Then you can break up with me later because you’ve changed your mind.”
He knew he’d gone too far even before she paled and then pointed to the door.
“Get out,” she said, her voice low and trembling.
He stalked across the room, then turned. “You never gave me a chance,” he said. “Why was that? We have great chemistry, we get along. Is it my job? Is it my past? Or is it you? We’re having a baby together, Rachel. Shouldn’t you be trying?”
“I am trying,” she yelled. “What do you want from me? We’ve played all of this by your rules and now I’m in trouble because of that? Here’s a news flash—I don’t have to be marrie
d to have a baby. I’m fine on my own. I’m comfortable being a single parent. I’m sorry if that doesn’t satisfy your fantasy, but I can’t be responsible for that.”
He frowned. “I thought you said you wanted a family. Husband, kids, the whole thing. Did I imagine that?”
She paused. “No. I’d always thought... Dammit, Carter, stop doing this.”
He’d never heard her swear before. “You say you want it all, but you don’t act like it. The way things have happened in your past tell me that you’re the one in the way of the dream, not me. I stand by what I said before. You don’t let anyone get inside. You might want to think about why that is.”
* * *
RACHEL HADN’T SLEPT much that night. She’d had big plans for a wonderful evening and Carter had ruined them with his stupid accusations.
What was up with him? Who did he think he was? He didn’t know her well enough to be critical of her or her choices. It wasn’t as if he’d lived his life perfectly.
She was a good person and a good friend. She’d always worked hard to do the right thing. So why had he jumped all over her? Was it his ego talking because she refused to be one of a crowd? Couldn’t he stand the thought that there was one woman who didn’t desperately want to be with him?
But as she drove across town after work, she found that making him the bad guy didn’t make her feel any better. She’d hated fighting with him and she’d been unable to forget some of what he’d said. Like the part about not letting people in. That wasn’t true. She had lots of close, intimate relationships. Why did he have to think the worst of her and why did she care?
She pulled into the parking lot and walked toward the large entrance to the all-woman workout center. Crissy owned four gyms in the area. This was the biggest, with her company offices on the second floor.
“Is she in?” Rachel asked Crissy’s assistant, then gave her name.
After being buzzed, her friend walked out to greet her. “Hey, you. This is unexpected. What’s up?”
Rachel clutched her purse in both hands. “I need to talk. Is this a good time?”
“Absolutely.”
After asking her assistant to hold all calls, Crissy led Rachel into her bright and spacious office. When they were settled on the sofa, Crissy turned to her.
“I’m feeling especially nonjudgmental today,” Crissy said with a warm smile. “Tell me everything.”
Now that she was here, Rachel wasn’t sure how to start. Maybe with last night. “Carter and I had a fight and I hate that. He was unfair and difficult and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he really bugged me.”
“He’s a guy. Sometimes they can’t help it.”
“I know, but this was different. He wanted to know about the other guys in my life. The two men I was engaged to. I thought it was a weird topic, but I gave him the five-minute version of what happened. Then he said the reason things hadn’t worked out is that I’m not emotionally accessible. Can you believe it? Me? He was talking to me like I was some kind of scary loner. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
Crissy patted her arm. “Of course there isn’t. Look, I don’t know what Carter’s problem is. Maybe he was threatened by your past.”
“Oh, please. The man has dated thousands of women. I’m just one in a long line.”
“Then he has other issues. Everyone has different emotional boundaries. Didn’t you say that his family is running in and out of his place all the time? That sounds a little flaky. He’s kind of a mama’s boy, isn’t he? And just a little too close to his sisters. If you ask me, he’s the one with the issues.”
Rachel drew in a breath. She’d come to her friend for a shoulder to cry on, not to get into a fight. “Carter isn’t a mama’s boy. That’s not really fair. He’s a great guy. Very responsible. Sure, he cares about his family, but he’s also willing to put his life on the line in his job. He’s a good guy. Trustworthy and honest and...”
She saw the corners of Crissy’s mouth twitch, as if her friend were holding in a smile.
“At least we know you like him,” Crissy said. “I wanted to be sure.”
Rachel sighed. “You set me up.”
“Just a little. If you hated the guy, that would change my advice.”
“I don’t hate him, but he’s impossible. I think he expects me to fall at his feet and that’s not going to happen.”
“I agree. That whole feet-falling never really helps anyone. But I do have a question. If he is, as you said, a good guy, then why didn’t you ever consider marrying him? You’re having a child together and marrying the baby’s father remains the traditional response.”
“For one thing, he made it clear he didn’t want to marry me. Why would I pursue him?”
“Okay. But if he doesn’t want to marry you and you don’t want to marry him, why do you care what he thinks about you? If he’s wrong about you, so what?”
Rachel opened her mouth then closed it. “Good point,” she said slowly. “I don’t know why I care, but I do. I hated what he said.”
“So his comment about not letting people in pushed a button for you.”
“Maybe.” Rachel drew in a deep breath. “Yes. It bugged me big-time.”
“Why?”
“I’m not like that.”
“So he was wrong.”
“Yes. Maybe.” Rachel leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. “I guess, maybe, he’s not totally wrong. I sometimes think it hurts too much to care. You know, because I lost my family when I was so young.”
She opened her eyes and saw Crissy looking at her.
“Are you upset because he saw the truth or because he articulated something you’re not proud of?” her friend asked.
“Both, I think. I know I never want to feel that pain again. It was so horrible. I kept thinking that if I could die, too, everything would be all right.”
Long dormant emotions tried to surge to life, but Rachel suppressed them with a skill born of years of practice. No way she wanted to go there. Not now. Not ever.
“So you’re holding back to protect yourself,” Crissy said. “That makes sense. For you, the price of belonging isn’t worth the risk. We all make trade-offs.”
Rachel wasn’t sure she liked the sound of that. “I belong.”
“Where?” Crissy asked gently. “I’m not judging you, honey. I’m the last person to do that. I’m just saying, are you sure you’re where you want to be? Are you acting or reacting? The past can be powerful and an influence we can’t shake.”
Rachel had never thought about not having a choice. “I didn’t want to marry Brett or Ray. I wasn’t willing to go through with it just to prove a point.”
“Good for you,” Crissy told her. “Are you avoiding a relationship with Carter because he’s not the one or because you’re afraid?”
“I don’t love him,” Rachel said stubbornly. “Just because I can list all his good qualities doesn’t make him Mr. Right.”
“What does it make him?”
Rachel didn’t have an answer for that. Just as difficult, deep in her heart, she wasn’t sure what she felt for Carter. “Everything is so confusing.”
“Life always is.”
Rachel shook her head. “Not for you. You’re the most together person I know.”
Crissy didn’t smile. “I’m faking it as much as anyone else.” She shrugged. “Okay, here’s my confession. I’m nearly thirty. I’ve never been married. Despite what I say about hating first dates, there have been plenty of great guys. So why didn’t I pick one of them?”
Rachel had never much thought about her friend’s personal life. “Why didn’t you?” she asked.
“Because I can’t. I’m not allowed. My punishment is to never fall in love, never be romantically happy, never have a child.”
&nb
sp; “That’s crazy,” Rachel breathed. “Why would you think that? You don’t have to be punished.”
“Actually, I do.” Crissy drew in a deep breath. “I got pregnant in high school. It was my senior year. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but then who does? I didn’t want to marry the guy and he didn’t want a kid. I found out I didn’t, either. So I took the easy way out. I gave up my baby.”
She stood and crossed to the window. There she folded her arms over her chest. “I could have kept him. My parents were supportive and offered to help. But I wasn’t interested. I knew a child would tie me down. A child would change everything, and I didn’t want that. I had dreams. The irony is I gave him up without a second thought and ever since, I’ve been unable to let him go.”
Rachel rose and joined her friend. “You’ve been thinking about your son?”
Crissy nodded. “It’s been getting worse. Maybe because I’m nearly thirty and I can hear rumblings from my biological clock. Maybe the guilt is growing. I don’t know. He’s twelve. The family is local, even. They send me pictures and letters. He’s a good kid. Happy. I couldn’t have done as decent a job.”
Rachel didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t believe Crissy had carried this secret for so long. “Do you want to meet him?”
“I don’t know,” her friend admitted. “I have a standing invitation to come on by whenever I’d like. But what do I say? ‘I’m the woman who couldn’t be bothered?’ There’s a statement.”
“You were only eighteen,” Rachel reminded her. “You were in high school.”
“I was lazy. I did what was easy, but I don’t know if it was right. Now there’s no going back. Even if I go meet him, I will never be what I could have been. I will never be more than the woman who gave birth to him. Someone else is his mother.”
Crissy turned and looked at Rachel. “You can’t imagine what this is like. I can’t know what you went through when you lost your family. It was horrible and you will always feel that pain. But you do need to figure out how it impacts you today. If you don’t care about Carter, if he’s just some fun guy you messed up with, then great. But if he could be more, then you need to think about that. You’ve always talked about wanting a family. You’ve always said that was important to you and I think it is. There are a lot of good men out there, but it would be so much easier if you could fall for your baby’s father.”
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