Crissy didn’t know what to think. This picture of Stacey wasn’t at all like the saint she’d thought Josh had married. And speaking of Josh...
“What did he have to say about Stacey’s behavior?”
“He’s a guy.” Abbey rolled her eyes. “He was crazy in love with her sweet spirit and frailness. He got to take care of her, which he seemed to like. Every moment was precious, because it might be their last. Honestly? It made me mad. Before Stacey, Josh never said he didn’t want kids. It had never come up in conversation, but I figured he was like Pete—ready for a big family. But once Stacey was in his life, he claimed he never wanted children. It was all about her.”
Crissy was still taking it all in. “I don’t know what to think. I’d wondered if his attitude might be about Stacey, but does that make it better or worse? Is admitting he wants children now a betrayal of Stacey and if it is, will he let himself?”
“I don’t know,” Abbey admitted. “But if you’re asking the question, I’m assuming things are getting serious.”
“A little. Maybe. I like him. He’s a great guy. I want to believe we have a future.”
Abbey laughed. “If I didn’t have dough hands, I’d hug you right now. This is great. I was hoping the two of you would get together more permanently. You’re exactly the kind of woman Josh should be with. And he’s a great guy. Next to Pete, he’s about as good as they come.”
“Next to Pete?”
“I can’t help that I married the best.”
Crissy smiled, then let the smile fade. “There are so many complications. His work, his past, the kids thing. I want a family.”
“I really think he does, too,” Abbey said. “The big question is will he let himself admit that? I don’t have an answer. The good news is you have time on your side.”
Less than she thought. Crissy was going to tell Josh in the next week or so. Which meant he would have to get over his past really fast or they would be dealing with it.
“What?” Abbey asked. “You’re thinking something.”
“It’s not important.”
“It looked important. Am I prying?”
“No, I just don’t want to put you in the middle.”
“Of... Oh. You and Josh. But how could I?” Her mouth dropped opened. “Oh! You’re...are you pregnant?”
Crissy wasn’t sure if she was happy or sorry Abbey knew. “You’re going to have to keep it quiet for a few days. Until I tell him.”
Abbey beamed. “But you are. Pregnant! That’s wonderful.”
“I’m not so sure,” Crissy admitted. “I mean I’m thrilled about the baby. I want to start a family. But now? Like this? I don’t know what Josh is going to think. He might be furious or feel I trapped him or something.”
“Did you?”
“Of course not.”
“Then don’t worry about it. He’ll understand.”
Crissy wasn’t so sure.
“There’s also the complication of Brandon. What is he going to think when he finds out I’m pregnant again but this time I’m keeping the baby? Won’t he feel rejected all over again?”
Abbey sighed. “I hadn’t thought about that. We’ll talk about it and he’ll understand. It may take a bit, but he’ll get it. He really cares about you.”
For how long? “I didn’t mean to make this much trouble for everyone.”
“A baby is never trouble,” Abbey said. “It’s a miracle. It’s time you found that out for yourself. As for Josh, I know it’s scary to think how he might react. But give him a chance. Maybe he’ll surprise you in a good way.”
“I hope so.”
They talked for a few more minutes, then Crissy left. She’d barely turned the corner when her cell phone rang. She pushed the voice activation button on her steering wheel.
“Hello?”
“Crissy? It’s Dev. We’re at the hospital. Noelle’s having the baby.”
* * *
RACHEL AND CARTER were already in the waiting room when Crissy arrived. Rachel raced over. “She’s close. Really close. They’ve taken her into delivery. She looked good and she says it’s not so bad.” Rachel’s fingers dug into her arm. “Tell me it’s not so bad.”
“You’ll be fine. They have drugs if the pain gets bad.”
“Right. Drugs.”
Carter took her free hand in his. “Come on. Relax. You’re a long way from giving birth. It will be fine.”
“You don’t actually know that. It’s easy to be all calming and superior when you’re not planning on passing a bowling ball through a pinhead in a few months.”
“Point taken.”
Crissy laughed. Being around Carter and Rachel was always a fun time. They, like Noelle and Dev, were a perfect couple. Watching them together made the world seem like a better place.
Rachel looked at her. “Do you remember anything from when you had Brandon?”
“Not really. It was fairly quick. I was scared and I just wanted it over.”
She’d been so young, she thought sadly. Even though her mother had been with her, along with Abbey, she’d felt alone. Probably the guilt talking. Now, looking back on that teenager, she could be more compassionate.
“She’ll be fine,” Rachel said, almost chanting. “I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. So much fineness. Fine. Fine. Fine.”
Carter looked at Crissy and mouthed “Help!”
Crissy nodded and took Rachel’s arm. “Come on, you. Let’s take a walk. Remember how you mocked me about my terror at spending three hours with Brandon? I’m going to return the favor. You’ll love it.”
Rachel groaned. “I didn’t even ask. How was it? Did everything go okay?”
“It was great.” Crissy led her into the corridor. “We talked, we bonded. I’m really happy. I think he and I are going to have a great relationship.”
“So that’s good, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
Crissy distracted her with idle talk until they reached the nursery. Rachel touched the glass separating her from the newborns and sighed.
“Look at them. They’re so beautiful. Those tiny little faces. They’re all wrapped up. I read about that. It’s to make them feel safe, like they were in the womb. Oh, I want a baby.”
Me, too, Crissy thought. “You’re having one. In just a few months.”
Rachel touched her stomach and smiled. “Hurry up, little one. We want to see you.”
“Better?” Crissy asked.
“Much. The panic has totally faded.”
Carter rounded the corner and hurried toward them. “She had the baby. A girl. Everything is good. Dev looks pale but proud. Noelle says as soon as she gets to her room you’re to come right in and you can hold little Mindy yourselves.”
* * *
IT WAS EARLY evening by the time Crissy pulled up in front of Josh’s town house. They’d spoken on the phone earlier and she’d told him about the baby. He’d invited her over for dinner...and breakfast. An invitation she couldn’t refuse.
As she walked up to the front door, she found she couldn’t stop smiling. Holding Noelle’s newborn had been an incredible experience.
“You look happy,” Josh said as he opened the door. “Everything okay with the new family?”
“It’s perfect.” She stepped inside and kissed him. “Noelle sailed through delivery with no problems. Mindy is beautiful and perfect. I had no idea babies smelled so good. They let me hold her and I never wanted to give her back.”
Josh’s expression didn’t change, which made her wonder what he was thinking. This seemed like as good a time as any to find out...and to tell the truth.
“I’m just about to start dinner,” he said. “I didn’t know when you’d be coming by.”
“Before you do, I need
to tell you something.”
His gaze never left hers. “A good something or a bad something?”
“I think it’s the best. I hope you will, too.” Now that she’d picked the moment, she didn’t know what to say.
“Crissy?”
“Right. I should talk. The thing is neither of us is to blame. We were caught off guard by the moment. It happened. We should have planned better, but we didn’t. Oh, damn. I’m not saying this right. I guess the biggest point is that I’m happy. So happy. Delighted, bordering on giddy.”
She took both his hands in hers. “I’m pregnant, Josh. From that first night we were together. We’re having a baby.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JOSH STARED AT CRISSY. He felt as if he were underwater. He couldn’t seem to move and nothing looked right.
Then it hit him—a crushing weight of guilt. It slammed into him, knocking the breath out of him. He couldn’t have a child with Crissy. It was wrong on more levels than he could count.
Without having to close his eyes, he saw Stacey in the room. The hurt in her eyes, the sadness in her expression. A child with someone else? What right did he have to experience that when she’d never been able to?
Time bent and it was years before he’d married her. Back when he’d proposed three times and been turned down each time.
Finally he’d cornered her, emotionally and physically. “What the hell is your problem?” he’d asked, angry by her constant refusal, the anger hiding his pain at being rejected by the only woman he’d ever loved.
She’d faced him, her violet eyes dark with tears, her mouth quivering. “I can’t give you a child,” she whispered, her voice so quiet, he’d had to strain to hear her. “I’m not physically capable of carrying a child to term. I don’t think it’s right to adopt when the cancer could return at any time. You want to have a real family and I can’t give you that. Go be with someone who can.”
At that moment he’d known her greatest fear was being rejected for her physical imperfections. On the outside, she was as beautiful as an angel, but on the inside, she had been twisted by a disease that couldn’t be controlled.
“I don’t want children.”
He’d said the words without thinking, yet as soon as he spoke them, he knew them to be true. They felt right.
“I don’t want children,” he repeated with conviction. “I want you.”
It had taken him nearly two months to convince her he meant what he said. Only then, when she was sure she wasn’t taking anything from him, had she said yes.
The past bent, then snapped. He was left staring at Crissy, at her expression of happiness and delight. Emotions he could never share on this topic.
“No,” he said firmly, knowing he couldn’t will the child away. “I don’t want a child with you.”
She gasped and took a step back.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he demanded. “How could you do this? Did you plan it? Are you trying to trap me?”
“What?”
The entire situation was wrong. He got that now. He should never have gone out with her, cared about her. He didn’t have the right.
“Are you crazy?” She glared at him. “Why would I want to trap you? I don’t need a man in my life. This just happened. Don’t you remember that first night we were together? You came to me. You walked into my house to find out if I was all right. So what exactly would my plan have been? After twelve years I realized that the son I’d given up for adoption had an uncle who didn’t want children. Perfect, I thought. Now I’ll get involved with the family, act all broken so he’ll come over, seduce me and then I can have his baby?”
He knew she was telling the truth—that his charge was ridiculous. So why did he feel so compelled to make it? Why did he want to lash out at her?
“If anyone was doing the using around here, it was you,” she told him, putting her hands on her hips and glaring. “You’d been doing without for a long, long time. You got an itch and decided to use me to scratch it. Don’t come crying to me because you forgot to use protection and you got caught.”
More guilt filled him, but this time it had nothing to do with Stacey. Crissy was right about the itch. He’d never meant to use her but a case could be made that he had.
“Crissy,” he began.
She cut him off. “No, Josh. You don’t get to say all those things to me and then expect everything to be fine. We’re having a baby. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“It means you finally get what you want. You regretted giving up Brandon and now you have someone to take his place.”
“What?”
“It’s true. I’ll agree that I have to take responsibility for the pregnancy. My excuse is I haven’t had to deal with birth control in nearly ten years. Stacey couldn’t have children. It wasn’t an issue. As I haven’t been with anyone else since she died, I don’t think about keeping condoms around. What’s your excuse? You date. Why weren’t you prepared?”
She pressed her lips together. “I just wasn’t.”
“Great reason. You might want to think of a better one. Maybe you did see this as an opportunity to have the child you now want. Who cares if I didn’t want to take that on? This is all a game to you and I’m not playing.”
“A game? It’s never been that. I can’t believe you’re accusing me of having an ulterior motive. As far as I’m concerned, we’re equally responsible. You don’t want kids. Fine. You don’t have to have them. Here’s a news flash. I don’t need you to have this baby. I’m more than willing to sign anything you want saying you give up your rights and I give up the right to child support. Does that make it better?”
“It’s not that simple.” Even though he wanted it to be.
“Sure it is. I’m more than prepared to be a single mother.”
“For how long? You’ve made a career out of running from your emotional responsibilities.”
She flinched as if he’d hit her and he knew then he’d crossed the line. That he’d damaged whatever had existed between them.
“I don’t get it,” she said slowly. “I thought you were the best kind of man. I thought you were amazing and kind and loving. I knew you still loved Stacey, but I thought that was about having a heart that didn’t let go. I see now you were just masquerading as someone I thought I could love. In reality you’re nothing more than a cruel, selfish bastard. I don’t regret being pregnant. I want this baby. I just wish you weren’t the father.”
She picked up her purse and walked out the door. When it slammed shut behind her, he was left alone.
* * *
BY SATURDAY MORNING Crissy knew she had to snap out of her mood funk, for the health of the baby if nothing else. She felt lost and unfocused, and there was an ache inside that refused to go away.
She hated that she kept waiting for Josh to call and say it had been a horrible mistake. That he’d momentarily been possessed by aliens and in truth he was delighted about the baby and longed to be with both their child and her. That he loved her with a fierceness that defied description. Barring that, she would accept a decent apology.
Neither was forthcoming.
She tried to focus on her work, because at least that was a distraction, but she couldn’t find her usual joy in her business.
“Things will get better,” she told herself. They had to, right?
Finally, unable to stand just sitting around and moping, she went into the small bathroom attached to her office and changed into the workout clothes she kept on site. She was nearly out the door when the phone rang. It was her private line.
She hated the sudden burst of hope in her chest and how much she longed to hear Josh’s voice. Where was her pride and sense of self-preservation? Was she one of those stupid women who let herself be emotionally beat up by the same
guy over and over again?
Apparently, she thought grimly as she hurried back to her desk and grabbed the phone.
“Hello?”
“It’s Abbey. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I have a handsome guy standing here who wants to ask you something.”
“Mo-om!”
The disgusted tone was audible and made her smile. Okay, so it wasn’t Josh, but it was still a call she wanted to take.
“Am I embarrassing you?” Abbey asked cheerfully.
“You know you are. You like embarrassing me.”
“I kind of do. Here you go.”
“Hey, Crissy.”
“Good morning,” she said, happy to hear her son’s voice. “What’s up in your world?”
“Not much. Look, Emma is at her girlfriend’s house and Dad’s taking Hope to some stupid petting zoo. They asked me to go with them.” He sounded outraged. “To a petting zoo. I’m practically a teenager.”
“Horrifying.”
“Yeah. Anyway, do you want to come over for lunch? We have leftover Chinese from last night and it’s really good. I thought we could hang out for a while.”
Some of her pain eased. “I’d like that a lot.”
They settled on a time. Five minutes later Crissy cranked up the incline on a treadmill and set the speed to six miles an hour. Between now and her lunch date, she was going to run away from her problems.
* * *
“DAD THINKS I should be a doctor, like Uncle Josh,” Brandon said between bites of kung pao chicken. “I don’t know. I want to play baseball. I guess you can’t play forever. Guys get old and stuff. I could always be a doctor then.”
“The medical profession will love knowing it’s your fallback position,” Crissy teased. “Depending on how long you play baseball, you could be really old when you go to medical school. Like maybe thirty.”
Brandon shrank back in his chair. “Thirty? Can you still learn stuff then?”
Circle of Friends Complete Collection Page 54