“Me, either. Too bad about the band not being here. They could break into song.”
She winced. “Sorry. I can get a little sarcastic when I’m pissed off. Plus I really miss caffeine.”
“I guess.”
“Having a baby with me has nothing to do with Stacey,” she said. “Did she really expect you not to have a life after she was gone? It’s been four years. Aren’t you allowed to move on?”
“It’s not that simple,” he said. The guilt had come on slowly. At first, when Crissy hadn’t mattered that much, he hadn’t been bothered at all. He’d assumed he’d healed. But lately he realized he hadn’t moved on as much as he’d thought.
“What makes it simple?” she asked. “Is the whole world supposed to stop because she died? Should I pay for being alive by giving up everything important to me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why should you?”
Interesting question, he thought grimly. Too bad he didn’t have an answer.
“Stacey will always be a part of me,” he said. “I can’t escape that.”
“No one wants you to,” she told him. “But make her the best part of you, not the worst. You can be so amazing, but then you go down this dark path where you are only allowed to care about your patients. Is it because they’re safe? You get close, but not too close? It’s less messy than a real relationship?”
He thought about Tommy and all the kids he’d done his damnedest to keep alive. “They’re not a part of this discussion,” he said, wanting to warn her off before they went to a place that had no point of recovery.
“Why aren’t they?” she asked. “You can’t be involved with someone and keep pieces of yourself closed off. We can’t keep secrets.”
He wanted to tell her they weren’t involved, except they were. If nothing else, they were having a baby together.
He stared at her, knowing their connection was stronger than that. She mattered to him and that was the bottom line of the trouble. When Stacey had died, he’d promised them both he would never fall in love again.
“I can’t do this,” he said, knowing he had to get out of there.
“You’re leaving? Just like that? And you accuse me of running away.”
“You don’t understand.” She couldn’t. She hadn’t been through what he had.
“Then explain it to me. Tell me why what doesn’t exist anymore and can never come back matters more than what’s right in front of you.”
“I loved her. I still love her.”
“No one says that should stop. But there’s a difference between loving her and respecting the life you had together, and burying yourself alive now.”
“I’m not—”
Crissy shook her head, interrupting him. “You know what? Forget it. I’m tired of fighting ghosts. I don’t know Stacey. I don’t know anything about her. Apparently she was pretty special because after four years you’d still rather be dead with her than alive with someone else.”
He hated seeing her in pain. “Crissy, I’m sorry.”
“Why? You’re getting exactly what you want. You can be alone with your memories. I’m the one who’s sorry. I have a lousy romantic history. I tend to pick men who aren’t capable of being an emotional partner. They were all so seriously flawed that eventually I simply gave up on men altogether. Then I met you. You seemed...perfect.”
She dropped her arms to her sides. “Stupid, huh? You’re not perfect. You’re just a guy. You have the potential to be a partner, but not the emotional will. Ironic, isn’t it? You can be, but you choose not to be available. It’s safer for you to hide than to take a chance.”
She gave him a slight smile. “You know what? Things are so screwed up between us, I’m going to tell you exactly what I think. Probably not a good idea, but what the hell. I think one of the reasons you fell in love with Stacey was that she’d been sick. The fact that she was probably not going to live a normal life span meant you didn’t have to try so hard. You got to focus on her and the illness and what might or might not happen. It was easier than risking your heart for real.”
He’d been with her until the last point. “What the hell makes you think you know anything about me and Stacey?” he demanded. “Because your many successful marriages make you an expert?”
“I’m giving you one opinion,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll ignore it. But here’s the thing. Getting lost in the past is a breeze. The dead have a way of not making demands. The living are a lot more messy. I have expectations, Josh. Complicated, life-changing, interrupting, badly timed expectations. You wouldn’t like that. You like your relationships from a distance. You give a hundred percent to your kids. You’re practically a god to their parents, but it’s in little doses. You’re not there when the kids go home. You don’t pick up the pieces. You sweep in with the big gesture. That’s how it was with Stacey.”
“I don’t have to listen to this crap,” he said, and walked out of the kitchen.
Rage filled him. She didn’t know anything about him or Stacey. She was nothing like his late wife. On her best day she couldn’t begin to understand the love they’d shared.
“It’s not just me,” Crissy said as she followed him. “The baby is going to be the same way. Our child is going to expect you to hang in there, no matter what. What are you going to do then? You say you’re ready for the responsibility. I’m sure you’re thinking you’ll do great through anything that goes wrong. I know you’re right about that. You’re the go-to guy in a crisis. The place you can’t deal is where everything is just fine. What are you going to do if nothing’s wrong?”
He walked out her front door and crossed to his car. When he’d driven two blocks, he pulled over. The anger was a wild, living animal inside of him. He wanted to lash out at someone, anyone. He wanted to fight and hit and crush. He wanted to destroy. He wanted...
Damn her all to hell. Why couldn’t she understand that he was... He was...
The past returned, sucking him in and drawing him down. Stacey had chosen to die at home. She’d asked for hospice care, but Josh had been there for her at the end. He’d known what to do, how to give her the drugs that would ease the excruciating pain.
Those last days had torn him apart as he’d watched her suffering. She’d hated for him to leave her room, even for a few minutes. She’d needed him so much.
“Promise me you’ll love me forever,” she whispered, barely able to speak. “You can’t love anyone other than me.”
“I won’t,” he’d said, stroking her cheek.
“Not even different,” she’d told him. “You can’t love someone different and say it’s not the same. Promise!”
He’d promised because it had been what he’d believed. How could he ever love again?
But later, while trying to catch a few minutes of sleep in the chair in the corner of her room, he’d thought about her words and wondered why she’d wanted to make sure he couldn’t be with anyone else. If he’d been the one dying, he would have wanted her to find happiness, to be in a relationship. Or maybe that was just one of those intellectual arguments. Maybe he couldn’t know how it felt to be dying and leaving loved ones behind.
“She wasn’t wrong,” he said now, aloud in the car. “She wasn’t.”
He closed his mind to the questions, even as other memories came to him. Their arguments about adopting. How she’d insisted it was wrong to take in a child only to have him or her lose her a few years later. He’d disagreed. She’d always ended their fights by crying that if he loved her he wouldn’t talk about it anymore.
He remembered how she always got sick whenever there was something she didn’t want to do. How she’d sometimes made it impossible to see Pete and Abbey.
He climbed out of his car and stood by the side of the road. No! He wasn’t going there. Stacey
wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t a bad person. She had been lovely and strong and brave and he’d loved her with an intensity he couldn’t possibly match again. She was everything.
She’d also been a bitch on wheels when she didn’t get her way.
He swore silently and pushed at the disloyal thought. Stacey was... Not perfect, he admitted to himself. Not evil. Just a person, with good points and flaws.
Not a startling thought, yet one he’d never allowed himself. To him, she’d been an angel in disguise.
But if he made her something she couldn’t possibly be, did that rob her of being who she was? His wife. His friend. Someone he would always love. He was grateful she had been in his life. Knowing what he knew now, he would still happily marry her and hope they had forever. But did that mean he had to sacrifice the time he had left because she’d gone first?
He returned to his car and got back inside. Crissy’s words echoed around him. He’d thought her expectations, as she’d called them, were unreasonable. Yet weren’t they so much less than Stacey had ever asked?
He thought about what Crissy had said about playing it safe. Did he do that? Somewhere along the way had he learned it was better not to lead with his heart? He’d given himself fully to Stacey, but he’d always known their time was limited. He might have told her they could have forty years, but his medical training had known otherwise. She had always been destined to die young.
Had that really been part of her appeal? He hated to think that of himself, but maybe it was true. Crissy was wrong about his commitment to his patients, but there was a possibility she was right about a lot of other things.
His gut had always told him what his mind refused to believe. It had been wrong of Stacey to tell him to never love anyone else. Crissy wouldn’t do that to him. She would probably tell him to wait a decent amount of time and to mourn the hell out of her. Then she would tell him to get his ass out there and find someone.
He felt himself smile. Knowing her as he did, she would probably point out that she would be a tough act to follow, but he was welcome to see if someone else could.
Crissy. She’d been a miracle of light in his dark cold world. He knew what she wanted, what she expected, what she needed. Was it possible? Could he do that? Was there a way to reconcile past and present? And if he could find it, did he still have a chance with Crissy or had that bond been broken forever?
* * *
“SHE’S BEAUTIFUL,” CRISSY said as she held baby Mindy in her arms and stared into big blue eyes. “Possibly the most beautiful little girl ever.”
Mindy blinked at her.
“So precious,” Crissy whispered, then looked at Noelle who lay on the chaise in her bedroom. “Am I holding her too long? Do you want me to give her back?”
Noelle gave her a weary smile. “I’m so exhausted, I appreciate just lying here. Hold and rock away. I doubt she’ll start to cry. She’s been really calm.”
“It’s only been a week,” Crissy told the baby. “You’re getting so much attention. What is there to cry about?”
Noelle laughed. “You have a point. My mom is staying with me another week. My dad’s here every day. Dev’s dad is in and out all the time. My sisters adore her, you and Rachel come pretending to visit me but I know you’re really here to see the baby. She doesn’t have very much to complain about.”
Crissy settled in the rocking chair. “What about you? Are you happy?”
Noelle sank back in the cushions and sighed. “I’m past happy—I’m in bliss!”
“Good for you. And Mindy’s doing okay, healthwise?”
Noelle and Dev had had a scare during the first few months of Noelle’s pregnancy. Further testing had shown that everything was fine with the baby, but until Mindy had been born, neither of them had been totally convinced.
“Her pediatrician says she’s thriving. So we’ve let our worries go. We’ve been blessed with an amazing baby. Lucky us.”
Crissy kissed Mindy’s soft cheek. “I agree. Lucky you.”
Noelle looked at her. “You’re not feeling so lucky. You seem... I don’t know. Sad, maybe. Is it Josh?”
Crissy nodded. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree on just about everything. I want him to be emotionally engaged—he thinks that would betray his late wife. I want him to be a father who’s excited about having a child. He’s willing to be responsible and do the right thing.”
“Does he need more time?”
“I think he needs a brain transplant.” Crissy shook her head. “I know that’s not fair. He’s dealing with a lot of things from his past. Honestly I swear Stacey played with his emotions. I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think I would have liked her.”
“People have different needs at different times,” Noelle said.
“Unfortunately I’m pregnant now.”
“Are you willing to wait for him to come around? Is he worth that?”
“I love him,” Crissy said as she rocked the baby. “I can’t imagine loving anyone else. So for now, I’ll wait. I’m not doing anything else with my time. The thing is, one-sided love isn’t looking very good to me these days.”
* * *
SUNDAY MORNING JOSH sat on his patio, pretending to read the paper. It was a beautiful day, the kind that made him want to take a hike in the local mountains or drive down to the beach and ride his bike along the boardwalk.
Not by himself, he thought. It would be better to go with someone. Someone like Crissy.
He couldn’t stop thinking about her or their last conversation. He’d said everything wrong, done everything wrong. He needed to make things right with her, but didn’t know how.
What could he say to explain what he felt when he wasn’t sure himself?
Worse than being without her was the fact that he’d hurt her. He’d never wanted that. She was—
He heard a noise and looked up. The bushes by his patio moved, then Brandon pushed through them and walked toward him, dragging his bike.
Josh couldn’t believe his nephew was here. “Tell me you didn’t ride your bike here,” he told the boy.
Brandon hung his head and shrugged.
Fear clutched at Josh’s gut. He was a good five miles from Abbey and Pete’s house and there were at least three major streets the kid would have to have crossed.
“Brandon, you’re not allowed to leave your neighborhood. You know that. Do your parents know you’re gone?”
Still not looking at Josh, he shook his head. “I know I was wrong, but I had to do something.” He raised his head. There were tears in his eyes. “I gotta talk to you, Uncle Josh. I tried calling, but someone was always around. Last night I decided to just come here this morning. I know I shouldn’t have ridden here all by myself, but it’s important.”
Josh was furious, but decided not to deal with that right now. He would hear Brandon out, then he would start yelling. But first, there were some worried adults to be taken care of.
“You can leave your bike out here,” he said as he led the way inside. He grabbed the phone and dialed a very familiar number. “Abbey, hi. Brandon’s with me. And he’s fine.”
He glared at his nephew as he spoke, assuring Abbey and promising to return her son later that morning. When he hung up, Brandon slumped into a chair.
“I know I’m in trouble,” Brandon said, his voice low. “I’m gonna really get it. But I had to.”
“I’m ready to hear why.”
Brandon looked at him and Josh saw a lot of Crissy in the boy. Her eyes, her mouth. This was her child. What would their child look like? Who would it take after more?
Not the time for those questions, he reminded himself. There were more immediate problems.
“Okay,” Brandon began. “But you can’t be mad at me.”
“About you riding your bike
over here?”
“No, about the other stuff.”
Josh swore silently. There was other stuff? “I’ll save my anger for the end. I’m going to yell at you about riding your bike over here anyway, so we’ll get it all done at once. What did you do?”
Brandon sucked in a breath. “I listened when I shouldn’t. Last week. I know it’s wrong, but it’s hard because nobody tells me anything and some of it’s really important.”
“What did you hear?” Josh asked seconds before the obvious occurred to him. Damn it all to hell did the boy know that—
“Crissy’s pregnant.” Brandon stared at the kitchen table. “She’s gonna have a baby and this time she’s going to keep it.”
There was a world of confusion and hurt in those words. Josh moved toward his nephew, pulled up another chair and settled in front of him.
“It’s weird,” Brandon said, still staring at the table. “Crissy’s really cool, you know? I like having her around. But is that okay? What about my mom? Does it bother her that I like Crissy? I was trying to figure that out, when I found out about the baby. She’s keeping her baby and she didn’t keep me. Why, Uncle Josh? Why?”
Josh heard the tears in the boy’s voice and pulled him close. Brandon hung on with all his strength as the sobs claimed him.
Josh didn’t know what to say to make this child feel better. If only he hadn’t heard. The family would have made plans to tell him together. But life was rarely that tidy.
“I love you, kid,” he said. “Do you know that?”
Brandon sniffed and nodded.
“Your mom and dad love you.”
“I know that,” Brandon said impatiently.
“So maybe you’d rather not be their son.”
His nephew looked at him in shock and outrage. “What? I’m their son. They love me. I know they love me.”
“No one is saying they don’t. I was with them when they brought you home. I’ve never seen any two people so happy. They’d been given the greatest gift of their lives and they knew it.”
That earned him a slight smile. “Yeah?”
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