by Kate Murphy
validated in several published studies Teresa Lind, Kristin Bernard, Emily Ross, and Mary Dozier, “Intervention Effects on Negative Affect of CPS-Referred Children: Results of a Randomized Clinical Trial,” Child Abuse & Neglect 38, no. 9 (2014): 1459–1467, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2014.04.004; Anne P. Murphy, Howard Steele, Jordan Bate, Adella Nikitiades, Brooke Allman, Karen A. Bonuck, Paul Meissner, and Miriam Steele, “Group Attachment-Based Intervention: Trauma-Informed Care for Families with Adverse Childhood Experiences,” Family and Community Health 38, no. 3 (2015): 268–279, https://doi.org/10.1097/FCH.0000000000000074; Kristin Bernard, Mary Dozier, Johanna Bick, Erin Lewis-Morrarty, Oliver Lindhiem, and Elizabeth Carlson, “Enhancing Attachment Organization Among Maltreated Children: Results of a Randomized Clinical Trial,” Child Development 83, no. 2 (2012): 623–636, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2011.01712.x.
makes us feel most lonely Lesley Caldwell and Helen Taylor Robinson, eds., The Collected Works of D. W. Winnicott, vol. 6 (New York: Oxford University Press, 2017), 529.
touching without being touched Amir Amedi, Gilad Jacobson, Talma Hendler, Rafael Malach, and Ehud Zohary, “Convergence of Visual and Tactile Shape Processing in the Human Lateral Occipital Complex,” Cerebral Cortex 12, no. 11 (2002): 1202–1212, https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/12.11.1202; Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages (Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing, 1992), 107–118; Lisbeth Lipari, Listening, Thinking, Being: Toward an Ethics of Attunement (University Park, PA: Pennsylvania State University Press, 2014), 9.
3: LISTENING TO YOUR CURIOSITY: WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM TODDLERS
Browse the three-volume Charles R. Berger and Michael E. Roloff, eds., The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication (Malden, MA: Wiley Blackwell, 2016), https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/browse/book/10.1002/9781118540190/title?pageSize=20&startPage=&alphabetRange=l.
won’t even find listening Mark Knapp and John Daly, eds., The SAGE Handbook of Interpersonal Communication, 4th ed. (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2011), https://us.sagepub.com/en-us/nam/the-sage-handbook-of-interpersonal-communication/book234032.
definition of listening Debra Worthington and Graham Bodie, “Defining Listening: A Historical, Theoretical, and Pragmatic Assessment,” in The Sourcebook of Listening Research: Methodology and Measures, ed. Debra Worthington and Graham Bodie (New York: Wiley-Blackwell, 2017), 4.
more curious and open Mario Mikulincer, “Adult Attachment Style and Information Processing: Individual Differences in Curiosity and Cognitive Closure,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 72, no. 5 (1997): 1217–1230, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.5.1217.
collection of his interviews Studs Terkel, Working: People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do (New York: Ballantine, 1989).
real tool is curiosity Studs Terkel: Listening to America, directed by Eric Simonson (New York: HBO Documentary Films, 2009).
didn’t have a vowel Studs Terkel, Talking to Myself: A Memoir of My Times (New York: Pantheon Books, 1977), 32.
when talking to inattentive listeners Monisha Pasupathi and Jacob Billitteri, “Being and Becoming Through Being Heard: Listener Effects on Stories and Selves,” International Journal of Listening 29, no. 2 (2015): 67–84, https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2015.1029363; Monisha Pasupathi, Lisa M. Stallworth, and Kyle Murdoch, “How What We Tell Becomes What We Know: Listener Effects on Speakers’ Long-Term Memory for Events,” Discourse Processes 26, no. 1 (1998): 1–25, https://doi.org/10.1080/01638539809545035; Monisha Pasupathi and B. Rich, “Inattentive Listening Undermines Self-Verification in Personal Storytelling,” Journal of Personality 73, no. 4 (2005), https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00338.x.
more friends in two months Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, rev. ed. (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1981), 44.
lived mostly in seclusion Robert D. McFadden, “Ingvar Kamprad, Founder of IKEA and Creator of a Global Empire, Dies at 91,” New York Times, January 28, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/28/obituaries/ingvar-kamprad-dies.html.
serving the majority of people Richard Heller, “The Billionaire Next Door,” Forbes, August 7, 2000, https://www.forbes.com/global/2000/0807/0315036a.html#c9f65ef4b69d.
Thinking you already know how a conversation Todd B. Kashdan, Ryne A. Sherman, Jessica Yarbro, and David C. Funder, “How Are Curious People Viewed and How Do They Behave in Social Situations? From the Perspectives of Self, Friends, Parents, and Unacquainted Observers,” Journal of Personality 81, no. 2 (2012), https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2012.00796.x.
hundreds of bus and train commuters Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, “Mistakenly Seeking Solitude,” Journal of Experimental Psychology 143, no. 5 (2014): 1980–1999, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0037323.
release of a feel-good chemical Colin G. DeYoung, “The Neuromodulator of Exploration: A Unifying Theory of the Role of Dopamine in Personality,” Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 7, no. 762 (2013), https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2013.00762.
Pakistani nuclear scientist Robert L. Grenier, 88 Days to Kandahar: A CIA Diary (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2015), 175.
4: I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY: ASSUMPTIONS AS EARPLUGS
saving seemingly hopeless marriages Laurie Abraham, The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Couples Therapy Group (New York: Touchstone, 2013).
researchers at Williams College Kenneth Savitsky, Boaz Keysar, Nicholas Epley, Travis Carter, and Ashley Swanson, “The Closeness-Communication Bias: Increased Egocentrism Among Friends Versus Strangers,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 47, no. 1 (2011): 269–273, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.09.005.
The French writer André Maurois André Maurois, Memoirs 1885–1967 (London: Bodley Head, 1970), 218.
Dunbar’s Number R. I. M. Dunbar, “Neocortex Size as a Constraint on Group Size in Primates,” Journal of Human Evolution 22, no. 6 (1992): 469–493, https://doi.org/10.1016/0047-2484(92)90081-J.
hierarchical “layers of friendship” Kate Murphy, “Do Your Friends Actually Like You?,” New York Times, August 6, 2016, https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/07/opinion/sunday/do-your-friends-actually-like-you.html.
In an in-depth study Mario Luis Small, Someone To Talk To (New York: Oxford University Press, 2017).
Every man has some reminiscences Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from the Underground (Urbana, IL: Project Gutenberg, 1996), 35, https://www.gutenberg.org/files/600/600-h/600-h.htm.
confirmation bias Raymond Nickerson, “Confirmation Bias: A Ubiquitous Phenomenon in Many Guises,” Review of General Psychology 2, no. 2 (1998): 175–220, https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.2.175.
expectancy bias María Ruz, Anna Moser, and Kristin Webster, “Social Expectations Bias Decision-Making in Uncertain Inter-Personal Situations,” PLOS One 6, no. 2 (2011): e15762, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0015762; Elisha Y. Babad, “Expectancy Bias in Scoring as a Function of Ability and Ethnic Labels,” Psychological Reports 46, no. 2 (1980): 625–626, https://doi.org/10.2466/pr0.1980.46.2.625; Cindy M. Cabeleira, Shari A. Steinman, Melissa M. Burgess, Romola S. Bucks, Colin MacLeod, Wilson Melo, and Bethany A. Teachman, “Expectancy Bias in Anxious Samples,” Emotion 14, no. 3 (2014): 588, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035899.
broad stereotypes Perry Hinton, “Implicit Stereotypes and the Predictive Brain: Cognition and Culture in ‘Biased’ Person Perception,” Palgrave Communications 3, no. 17086 (2017), https://doi.org/10.1057/palcomms.2017.86.
we all harbor prejudices David Hamilton and Tina Trolier, “Stereotypes and Stereotyping: An Overview of the Cognitive Approach,” in Prejudice, Discrimination, and Racism, ed. J. F. Dovidio and S. L. Gaertner (San Diego: Academic Press, 1986), 127–163.
social signaling theory Brian L. Connelly, S. Trevis Certo, and R. Duane Ireland, “Signaling Theory: A Review and Assessment,” Journal of Management 37, no. 1 (2010): 39–67, https://doi.org/10.1177/0149206310388419; Lee Cronk, “The Application of Animal Signaling Theory to Human Ph
enomena: Some Thoughts and Clarifications,” Social Science Information 44, no. 4 (December 1, 2005): 603–620, https://doi.org/10.1177/0539018405058203.
social identity theory Jonah Berger and Chip Heath, “Who Drives Divergence? Identity Signaling, Outgroup Dissimilarity, and the Abandonment of Cultural Tastes,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95, no. 3 (2008): 593–607, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.3.593; Naomi Ellemers and S. Alexander Haslam, “Social Identity Theory,” in Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology, vol. 2, ed. Paul Van Lange, Arie Kruglanski, and Tory Higgins (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2012), 379–398; Henri Tajfel, “Social Identity and Intergroup Behaviour,” Social Science Information 13, no. 2 (1974): 65–93, https://doi.org/10.1177/053901847401300204.
clothes they wear Rob Nelissen and Marijn Meijers, “Social Benefits of Luxury Brands as Costly Signals of Wealth and Status,” Evolution and Human Behavior 32, no. 5 (2011): 343–355.
correspondingly been losing adherents Allen Downey, “The U.S. Is Retreating from Religion,” Observations (blog), Scientific American, October 20, 2017, https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/the-u-s-is-retreating-from-religion/.
custom-made for signaling Danah Boyd and Nicole Ellison, “Social Network Sites: Definition, History, and Scholarship,” Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication 13, no. 1 (2007): 210–230, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2007.00393.x.
Showing that you follow Cliff Lampe, Nicole Ellison, and Charles Steinfield, “A Familiar Face(book): Profile Elements as Signals in an Online Social Network,” Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, San Jose, CA (2007): 435–444, https://doi.org/10.1145/1240624.1240695.
reluctant to give their surnames Nicole Hong, “The New Dating No-No: Asking for a Last Name,” Wall Street Journal, January 24, 2018, https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-new-dating-no-no-asking-for-a-last-name-1516810482.
5: THE TONE-DEAF RESPONSE: WHY PEOPLE WOULD RATHER TALK TO THEIR DOG
descriptive and evaluative information Graham Bodie, Kaitlin Cannava, and Andrea Vickery, “Supportive Communication and the Adequate Paraphrase,” Communication Research Reports 33, no. 2 (2016): 166–172, http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/08824096.2016.1154839.
I hear the words Carl Ransom Rogers, A Way of Being (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1980), 8.
always has two reasons Fred Shapiro, The Yale Book of Quotations (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 2006), 537.
say a single word Bowling for Columbine, directed by Michael Moore (Beverly Hills, CA: United Artists 2002).
a desire for revenge James Fox and Monica DeLateur, “Mass Shootings in America: Moving Beyond Newtown,” Homicide Studies 18, no. 1 (2014): 125–145, https://doi.org/10.1177/1088767913510297.
commonality among mass murderers Alex Yablon, “What Do Most Mass Shooters Have in Common? It’s Not Politics, Violent Video Games or Occult Beliefs,” Chicago Tribune, September 18, 2017, https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-mass-shootings-video-games-politics-0917-story.html.
Nice to meet you Steve Chawkins, “Dick Bass Dies at 85; Texas Oilman Was First to Scale ‘Seven Summits,’” Los Angeles Times, July 29, 2015, https://www.latimes.com/local/obituaries/la-me-0730-richard-bass-20150730-story.html; Roger Horchow and Sally Horchow, The Art of Friendship (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2005), 33.
6: TALKING LIKE A TORTOISE, THINKING LIKE A HARE: THE SPEECH-THOUGHT DIFFERENTIAL
Talking Like a Tortoise Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens, Are You Listening? (New York: McGraw Hill, 1957), 82.
caused by the speech-thought differential Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens, “Listening to People,” Harvard Business Review, September 1957, https://hbr.org/1957/09/listening-to-people; Clella Jaffe, Public Speaking: Concepts and Skills for a Diverse Society (Boston: Wadsworth Publishing, 2012), 58; Teri Kwal Gamble and Michael W. Gamble, Interpersonal Communication: Building Connections Together (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2014), 106.
eighty-six billion brain cells Frederico Azevedo, Ludmila Carvalho, Lea T. Grinberg, José Marcelo Farfel, Renata Ferretti, Renata Leite, Wilson Jacob Filho, et al., “Equal Numbers of Neuronal and Nonneuronal Cells Make the Human Brain an Isometrically Scaled-Up Primate Brain,” Journal of Comparative Neurology 513, no. 5 (2009): 532–541, https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.21974.
more neurotic and self-conscious Alexander Penney, Victoria Miedema, and Dwight Mazmanian, “Intelligence and Emotional Disorders: Is the Worrying and Ruminating Mind a More Intelligent Mind?,” Personality and Individual Differences 74 (2015): 90–93, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.10.005.
challenging for introverts Adam S. McHugh, “For Introverts, Listening Is an Act of Inward Hospitality,” Introvert, Dear: For Introverts and Highly Sensitive People (blog), October 13, 2017, https://introvertdear.com/news/listen-introverts-inner-world/.
Spare thinking time Nichols and Stevens, “Listening to People.”
more persuasive debaters “Listening Legend Interview, Dr. Ralph Nichols,” Listening Post, summer 2003, https://www.listen.org/Legend-Interview.
missed at least half Nichols and Stevens, “Listening to People.”
self-psychology holds Heinz Kohut, Self Psychology and the Humanities: Reflections on a New Psychoanalytic Approach, ed. Charles Strozier (New York: W. W. Norton, 1980).
talking on a rooftop terrace Annie Hall, directed by Woody Allen (Hollywood, CA: United Artists, 1977).
7: LISTENING TO OPPOSING VIEWS: WHY IT FEELS LIKE BEING CHASED BY A BEAR
staunch political positions Jonas T. Kaplan, Sarah I. Gimbel, and Sam Harris, “Neural Correlates of Maintaining One’s Political Beliefs in the Face of Counterevidence,” Scientific Reports 6, no. 39589 (2016), https://doi.org/10.1038/srep39589.
made them feel “unsafe” “Free Speech Advocate on the State of College Campuses,” Steve Inskeep interview with Greg Lukianoff, Morning Edition, NPR, May 29, 2017, https://www.npr.org/2017/05/29/530555442/free-speech-advocate-on-the-state-of-college-campuses; Conor Friedersdorf, “Middlebury Reckons with a Protest Gone Wrong,” Atlantic, March 6, 2017, https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/03/middleburys-liberals-respond-to-an-protest-gone-wrong/518652/.
survey of college and university students John Villasenor, “Views Among College Students Regarding the First Amendment: Results from a New Survey,” Fixgov (blog) Brookings Institution, September 18, 2017, https://www.brookings.edu/blog/fixgov/2017/09/18/views-among-college-students-regarding-the-first-amendment-results-from-a-new-survey/.
calling their ideas “dangerous” Richard Felton, “Ted Cruz: Democratic Candidates Are a ‘Dangerous Socialist … and Bernie Sanders,’” Guardian, September 19, 2015, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/sep/19/ted-cruz-hillary-clinton-mackinac-republican-leadership-conference.
After a particularly partisan fight Charles Gibson, “Restoring Comity to Congress,” Harvard University Shorenstein Center Discussion Paper Series, January 2011, https://shorensteincenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/d60_gibson.pdf.
Old buddy, that’s politics Olivia Newman, Liberalism in Practice: The Psychology and Pedagogy of Public Reason (Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2015), 98.
Social Security reform legislation Martin Tolchin, “Social Security: Compromise at Long Last,” New York Times, January 20, 1983, https://www.nytimes.com/1983/01/20/us/social-security-compromise-at-long-last.html.
McCain wrote in an editorial John McCain, “It’s Time Congress Returns to Regular Order,” Washington Post, August 31, 2017, https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/john-mccain-its-time-congress-returns-to-regular-order/2017/08/31/f62a3e0c-8cfb-11e7-8df5-c2e5cf46c1e2_story.html.
“talking stick” incident Avery Anapol, “Senator Using ‘Talking Stick’ Breaks Collins’ Glass Elephant During Shutdown Talks,” The Hill, January 22, 2018, https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/370163-unnamed-senator-throws-talking-stick-breaks-collins-glass-elephant-during.
“alternative facts” “Conway: Press Secretary
Gave ‘Alternative Facts,’” Meet the Press, NBC video, 3:39, January 22, 2017, https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/video/conway-press-secretary-gave-alternative-facts-860142147643.
Donald Trump famously said “Donald Trump: ‘My Primary Consultant Is Myself,’” YouTube video, 3:11, posted by MSNBC, March 16, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7CBp8lQ6ro.
but also afraid “Partisanship and Political Animosity in 2016,” Pew Research Center, June 22, 2016, http://assets.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/5/2016/06/06-22-16-Partisanship-and-animosity-release.pdf.
stopped talking to a friend Jeremy Peters, “In a Divided Era, One Thing Seems to Unite: Political Anger,” New York Times, August 17, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/17/us/politics/political-fights.html.
activity in your amygdala Oshin Vartanian and David R. Mandel, eds., Neuroscience of Decision Making (New York: Psychology Press, 2011), 89–93.
inverse relationship between amygdala activity Joseph LeDoux, The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life (New York: Touchstone, 1998); Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (New York: Bantam Books, 1995), 13–33.
apt to suffer from anxiety and depression Matthew Scult, Annchen Knodt, Spenser Radtke, Bartholomew Brigidi, and Ahmad R. Hariri, “Prefrontal Executive Control Rescues Risk for Anxiety Associated with High Threat and Low Reward Brain Function,” Cerebral Cortex 29, no. 1 (2017): 70–76, https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhx304.
so-called helicopter parents M. Justin Kim, Matthew Scult, Annchen Knodt, Spenser Radtke, Tracy d’Arbeloff, Bartholomew Brigidi, and Ahmad R. Hariri, “A Link Between Childhood Adversity and Trait Anger Reflects Relative Activity of the Amygdala and Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex,” Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging 3, no. 7 (2018): 644–649, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpsc.2018.03.006.