by A. M. Wilson
“It’ll be faster if you meet me at the hospital.”
“Nathan, I swear to god if you don’t tell me where she is I will never speak to you again.”
He rattled off an intersection five miles away from where I was.
“Cami,” he began, but said no more as if he stopped himself from sharing too much.
“Please,” I begged, knowing my voice broke on that one word and not feeling an ounce of shame for it. “What more do you know?”
“It just... it’s bad. I can’t stop you from coming. Prepare yourself. I want you to focus on getting there safe. You can’t do anything for Evelyn if you get hurt on the way.”
“I don’t care about anything other than getting to her.” With each word, my chest tightened until I choked on a shuddering breath.
“Breathe, Cami. We’re two minutes out.”
The whoop of a siren sounded nearby. I was getting close, too. Snow blew across the road, making what was already hard to see nearly impossible. I was losing the fight against the tears the closer I got to the scene. My heart pummeled my ribs to the tune of a boxer working his punching bag. I could feel it without even placing a hand on my chest.
Nathan’s radio crackled and beeped across the phone line. I strained my ears as the first glimpse of flashing red and blue came into view.
Vehicle is upside down. Reporting one DOA, over.
I began hyperventilating. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the world to slow my diaphragm down. My lungs ached and burned in their quest to supply my body with air. A strangled sound left my throat. One hand tore from the steering wheel, and I began clawing at my neck.
The sound of a door slamming came over the phone. I forgot we were still connected.
“Talk to me. I see you. Slow down, honey. You’re here.”
I had enough mind to slow the car down gently and not plow through the people working the scene. As soon as it stopped moving, I slammed the shifter in park and threw my door open. My body lurched faster than I could get my feet out, and I tumbled out into the snow.
Wind whipped my ears, and the entire world was white. In my haste to leave, I’d forgotten a jacket, but the cold hardly registered. I crawled through the snow on my elbows and knees around my door, then pushed myself to my feet. Agony ripped through my chest. A black body bag laid zipped in the snow, it’s shape showing clearly it was filled.
“Evelyn!” I screamed, slipping across snow and ice to find her. Refusing to believe the possibility that she was the body in the bag, my eyes darted around frantically, scanning the face of every person nearby. Several seconds passed before I realized I didn’t even see the accident site, so I began searching for the car.
That was when I found it.
Two twisted beams of metal, a hole in the middle where a vehicle had torn through the guardrail.
“No!”
I lunged for that hole, terrified of what I’d find. Or, what I wouldn’t find. One body had had been located, so where were the rest? Where was my little girl? The one who turned my life upside down, and at the same time, gave me a new reason to live?
I’d nearly cleared the road to the other side when strong arms banded around my torso, trapping my arms at my sides, and hauled me back into a hard chest.
“Please, let me go. Please!” I pled. At the same time, my arms wrapped up and gripped the ones that were holding me steady.
“You have to let them do their jobs. There’s nothing you can do. Let them do their jobs, and they’ll get Evelyn.” Nathan held me tight, his forehead pressed against my temple and his lips were at my ear. He swayed us back and forth while he murmured to me, his voice steady and strong.
My eyes remained wild, darting around at every source of movement, but the fight leaked out of my body. I clutched Nathan like a lifeline. Tears ran like a torrent down my cheeks. His warmth seeped into me, replacing the numbness, and making me painfully aware of all the areas that were freezing and exposed.
The shivers came next as I watched rescuers go down into the ravine. I couldn’t take it much longer.
“Bring me closer. I need to see what’s going on.”
“You have to let them work.”
“I’ll stay out of their way. I just need to see. Please.”
Without releasing me, Nathan walked us closer. I couldn’t tell if he was holding me for support or to keep me from throwing myself over the side of the road, and frankly, I didn’t care. In that moment, I’d let him do just about anything, so long as he got me closer to Evelyn.
“Nathan,” I whispered as we neared the edge.
His arms gave an answering squeeze.
“That’s not... she’s not the DOA. Is she?”
He swallowed loudly. “If I leave you here to check, are you going to do anything stupid?”
“Oh, God.” My head fell back on his shoulder. “N-n-n-no.”
Nathan’s hands covered the backs of mine, and he gently loosened his hold. “Stay right here. I mean it. You move a fuckin’ inch, and I’ll sedate you myself. I’ll be right there. I’m going to check. Don’t you dare move.”
“Okay,” I whispered in terror.
I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t look away. My eyes were glued to his retreating back.
The breath was knocked from my lungs once more as he crouched down and unzipped the bag. His chin dropped to his chest. What did that mean? We all felt compassion for the victims we came across, but was that compassion for me?
I broke his rule and met him halfway, desperate for an answer.
He seemed desperate to give it to me. He gripped my upper arms and ground out, “It’s not her. God.” He closed his eyes and doubled over. “It’s not her.”
I covered my mouth with my palm and closed my eyes, too. I opened my mouth to ask who it was, knowing there were only two other people in that car, when a voice rang out.
“Move out of the way!”
Seven rescuers rushed forward carrying a gurney over the icy snow and to the ambulance.
One glimpse of auburn hair, and I took off in that direction. I caught up to them, and my entire world flipped on its axis.
Blood. All I could see was blood. That little glimpse of auburn hair was the only part not covered in it. Her eyes were closed, and she was so still I wasn’t even sure she was breathing.
“Is she alive?” I asked to no one and everyone at the same time.
When no one responded, I screeched, “Is she alive?”
Seven sets of eyes swung in my direction. They shoved her into the ambulance.
“Barely.”
“Move. I’m coming with.”
My emergency training kicked in, forcing my reaction from panicked to professional.
“Who’re you?” An officer asked, stopping a firefighter from shutting the back doors.
“I’m her mother. Nathan!”
He looked up from where he was watching the exchange.
“Take my car and meet me at the hospital. The keys are in the ignition.”
Nudging the officer out of his way, he took hold of the door. “Stay strong, Cami.” They slammed shut. Through the window, I saw him jogging to my car.
My eyes drifted down to take in my beautiful, broken girl as the ambulance roared to life. Sirens blared, and the lights cast an eerie glow through the hazy snow. As the other paramedic worked on Evelyn, I held her hand and prayed. I prayed in a way I hadn’t done in fourteen years.
I prayed she’d hang on long enough to get to an O.R., I prayed the ambulance made it through the rough conditions and got us there fast and safe. I prayed Nathan didn’t have any trouble following us.
But mostly, I prayed that the universe wasn’t about to fuck with me again and take away the one thing I’d fought so hard to protect.
A trauma team was waiting in the ambulance bay. As soon as Evelyn was unloaded, they kicked me out into the waiting area. She was immediately rushed into surgery. All I’d been told so far was that her injuries were extensive. Seve
ral broken bones, massive internal bleeding. They wouldn’t know until they got a CT scan if she had a head injury, too.
Nathan arrived shortly after we did and found me alone in the waiting room. After they took Evelyn up to the O.R., a nurse came and brought us to a private waiting room instead.
I needed to do something to pass the time, so I pulled out my phone and called the two other people who existed in my life.
Kiersten was up first. Mostly because I knew she was out of town and couldn’t do anything, but also because I didn’t have a clue what I would say to Law.
I kept it brief with her, holding onto my pain long enough to tell her Evelyn was in an accident. She offered to leave right away to be with me, but I told her to stay. It was her family holiday, and the roads were dangerous. After promising hourly updates, she told me she’d be home as soon as the roads were safe, and let me go. Once I hung up, Nathan stood and hugged me hard.
“I have to get back to work. If you want, I could get someone to cover for me so I can stay.” The statement lingered like a question.
“I have people coming. Go back to work. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Keep the faith,” he said, giving me one last lingering hug.
And then he left.
I was thankful for a few minutes alone to call Law. I knew why I needed to call him, and it was more than just because I was desperate for the kind of comfort only he could bring. He didn’t know that, though, and if questions arose, being alone was the best way for me to answer them.
The phone rang three times before he answered, and at the sound of his voice, I nearly lost it.
“Morning, did you miss me already?”
I paced across the ugly blue carpet in a path that was quickly becoming comfortable. I couldn’t say anything. The only thing I could do was choke on the sob that overcame me.
“Cami, what is it?” His voice turned insistent.
“You need to come to the hospital.”
A clattering sounded through the phone. “I’m coming, baby. What’s happened?”
His engine roared in my ear. That was my Law, just like old times. I needed him, and he was there. No questions asked.
“Evelyn was in an accident.”
“I’m coming, baby, you hear me? Stay calm.”
“Law, hurry.”
“I am, but you stay calm for me.”
I whimpered.
“Close your eyes, Cam.”
“Law,” the desperation in my voice begged him to help me.
“Do it, baby.”
I did as he asked.
“Are they closed?”
My voice was a strangled whisper. “Yes.”
“Remember our waterfall? Imagine you’re there. You’re surrounded by the deep greenery, sitting in the shade beneath the rocks. Water rushes overhead and pours into the pool of water beside you. You’re so close, if you reached your hand out, you could feel how cool the water is.”
My breathing slowed.
“Are you there? Do you see it?”
Another whimper. “I’m there.”
“Good. Hold tight. I’m coming. I’m almost there.”
“Okay, Law.”
The calmness of his voice kept coming at me. “See you soon.”
The line clicked off.
I lowered the phone from my ear, trying to hold onto the image of the waterfall in my head.
Eventually, the imaged faded, only to be replaced with the memory of Evelyn’s bloodied face, and I crumpled to the floor and cried.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I knew it was him without opening my eyes. His scent surrounded me; the smell of cedar the most distinguishable. And the feel of his body pressed against mine was becoming familiar. As if I weighed nothing, he picked me up from the floor and cradled me in his arms. He sat in one of the double chairs with me in his lap.
My hands found the open halves of his jacket, and I clutched them tightly in my fists. I wanted to crawl inside his body and live there until all this was over. I couldn’t do it again. The thought of losing another person I loved eviscerated me.
So, I told him that.
“I won’t survive losing her.”
“Shh.” He stroked my hair, my shoulders, my back.
Abruptly, I sat up. “I’m serious,” I stated in a tone that matched my words. “I can’t do it. I lost my parents, Ritchie, you.”
“You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”
“But I did. I lost you, and it nearly killed me. I can’t do it again. I can’t lose anybody else.”
Pain etched across his features. He cupped the side of my head and tucked me in the space beneath his chin.
“I’m right here, Cami, and you aren’t gonna lose anybody else.”
I slipped my arms beneath his jacket, holding on tight as if I’d simply float away into the ether–never to return–if I let go.
“Three days before Ritchie died, I visited him for the last time.” I don’t know why I was telling him this, but in light of what was happening, it felt it was time to come clean. Too much heaviness weighed on me. The only way to lighten the load was to set it free. Something I should have done a long time ago.
“When it was time to go, I drove to Logansville instead of Arrow Creek. I parked outside your house.”
The ministrations of his fingers in my hair helped to ground me.
“I know,” he said, after a few moments of silence.
“You did?”
“Not then. I found out the day of your birthday when you were drunkenly rambling to Ritchie’s headstone.”
“Oh. Well, I forgot about that.”
Law chuckled and moved his fingers from my hair to trace my arm. “Why did you bring it up?”
“I just wondered what would have happened. If I’d have come back. Knocked on the door or something.”
His body stilled beneath mine. “You can’t think like that,” he said in a gruff voice.
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about how much we’ve both been hurt. Directly and indirectly from my mistakes.”
“Our mistakes.” His inhale lifted me with the rise and fall with his chest. “I spent years focusing on the what-if’s. We’ve found our way back to each other now. No use in running through imaginary scenarios. It’ll just torture you.”
“You’re right.”
We both fell silent again.
I tried to watch the fish tank across the room, but my eyelids grew heavy. The adrenaline leaked out of me and exhaustion took its place. I curled into Law’s shoulder, and although I didn’t sleep, dream-like images danced behind my eyelids.
Someone was shaking me awake.
“Cami. The surgeon is here to see you.”
Jolted, as if by an electric shock, I shot up from Law’s lap.
“Is she alive?”
That was the only question that mattered. The details could trickle in later, but as long as she was still breathing, I knew we’d figure them out.
“She’s alive,” he reassured me immediately.
My legs shook with relief.
“Things were touch and go. We had to shock her heart on the table. She’s not out of the woods.”
I must have looked unsteady, because the next thing I knew, Law had an arm around my back supporting me.
“How bad is it?”
“I won’t lie to you. It’s not good. She had a lot of internal bleeding. We had to remove part of her intestine and her left ovary. She had penetrating trauma to the abdomen from a piece of metal from the car. Her pelvis is fractured, which contributed to the large amount of blood loss. Thankfully, there’s no sign of a head injury. She’s currently intubated and in a medically induced coma. We have her in ICU.”
Sickness washed over me. “Can I see her?”
The surgeon nodded and gave me a sad smile. “Yes, of course. You can see her.”
I wanted to run, to knock over any hurdle that got in my way, and find my daughter. I had to see for myse
lf that she was still alive.
Law released me, and without looking back, I followed the doctor down the hall. He opened a door with his badge and gestured me through.
The sterile, antiseptic smell assaulted me as I entered the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. A nurses’ station was in the center and patient rooms filled the perimeter. The doctor led me to bed six and slid open the glass door to let me inside.
“Take your time. Family is allowed twenty-four hours, unless her status changes. If you need anything, push the red call button or let one of the nurses know.”
He stepped out and started to close the door behind him. In a panic, I spun around and called out, “Hey, doctor?”
He let me know I had his attention with his eyes. His brows lifted as if to say, go ahead.
“Do you... is it possible to find out about the others who were in the car with her? They were friends. I was told one was DOA.”
I didn’t want the answer, but I needed it. I felt like I couldn’t go another second without knowing.
“I’m sorry.” He reached out and clasped my shoulder. Letting his arm drop, he delivered the news that felt like a blow to the gut. “The mother was DOA, and the other young lady is still in surgery.”
I clamped a hand over my mouth and sucked in air through my nose. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“I am truly sorry for your loss.” He dipped his chin and left me alone with Evelyn.
Upon turning around, the first thing I noticed was all the wires. She had electrodes and tubes coming out of everywhere.
“Oh, Evelyn,” I whimpered and shuffled towards the hospital bed. A tremble overtook my hand as I brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. “I am so, so sorry, baby.”
I wanted to touch her everywhere, but there weren’t many spots that seemed uninjured. My free hand found hers while I continued to stroke her hair. The same hair I’d admired just three days ago was now a tangled, blood-matted mess.
An agonized sound came from my throat, and I knew I couldn’t do this. Live this lie. I wasn’t the only person who needed to be in here right now. It was with that thought in mind that I bent and pressed my lips against a clean, bare patch of skin just below her left eye. “I’ll be right back. Don’t do anything while I’m gone.” Terror gripped me like quicksand, refusing to let me go from its dark grasp, even for only a few minutes. “There’s somebody I want you to meet.” I squeezed her hand once more then forced myself to uncurl my fingers.