“Do we have to?” Abby groaned. “I’m not thankful for anything.”
“Abigail,” I hissed at her. I could see the pain written all over her face, but the mom in me couldn’t stop from chastising her.
“What are you thankful for, Mom?” Her dry sarcasm could not be missed.
“I’m thankful for you,” I told her honestly. “For how fun and adventurous you are.” That seemed to calm her down, so I moved on. “And I’m thankful for Blake too.” I looked at my oldest son, “Thankful for how helpful you are and for always remembering everything I forget.” He gave me a shy smile and went back to pushing his green bean casserole around.
“What about me?” Lucy shouted.
“I’m thankful for you too, Luce. I’m thankful for all of your hugs and kisses. And I’m thankful for all of the pictures you make for me.” I tussled Jace’s floppy red hair and kissed a cheek painted in mashed potatoes. “I’m thankful for you too, J. I’m thankful that you are sleeping through the night again and that you always know how to make me laugh.”
My mother-in-law dabbed at her eyes with a cloth napkin, “That was beautiful, Liz.”
I shifted in my seat and looked away. It was shockingly unnerving to watch her tear up in the middle of dinner. It also had an intense effect on me. I wanted to cry too just watching her and then to think that it was my words that had made her emotional really choked me up.
Trevor sighed adoringly, “Ah, Ma. You’re making Liz uncomfortable.”
She flashed me a watery smile. Her trembling hand reached forward and rested on the white tablecloth. “I always thought the kids were so lucky to have a father like Grady,” she admitted. “But I’m realizing they’re really lucky to have a mother like you.”
I should have heard the compliment in her words. I really should have. But all I could hear was the disappointment she felt for me up until this point. It had taken her son dying for her to see that I wasn’t such a letdown after all.
I could feel the bad place I’d been trapped in. I could feel how poisonous these feelings were for my mind and soul. This anger that ate at my insides and spread toxin through my blood was dangerous and awful. I wanted it gone, but I couldn’t make it go and that only made me angrier.
“Thank you for saying that,” I managed to say although my words felt cold and false on my tongue.
It wasn’t until Katherine disappeared into the kitchen to bring back the pie that I finally found a moment alone with Trevor. I hated the idea of other people asking the question, but I needed to know. This business was my living too.
“How are things, Trevor? With the company?”
He shrugged his shoulders and shifted in his seat. “Slow with the season.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He bounced nervously and reached for some water to gulp it down quickly.
My hand twitched. For the first time in my life, I wanted to stand up and slap someone.
“How bad is it?” My voice had become a low rasp of frustration.
His eyes lifted and he finally met my gaze. “Bad.”
I felt that one small word like a punch to the gut. The room tilted sharply and then started to spin.
“I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Things are bad,” he continued.
I felt my heavy Thanksgiving dinner churn in my stomach. How could he do this to me? How could he take Grady’s gift and destroy it so flippantly?
Didn’t he care?
I had kids to feed! Bills to pay? Didn’t he care about me?
“How are you going to fix it?” My words came out measured and labored, betraying the fury burning through me. I wanted to stand up and scream at him. I felt like I had finally tipped over the edge of insanity with the sheer volume of rage spiraling through me.
In a choked voice, he admitted, “I don’t know if we can.” He ran a hand through his dark hair and turned his head toward Blake.
“How dare you.” My voice scared even me. I hadn’t expected to react so violently, but I couldn’t help it. “How dare you take my husband’s company, his gift to you and run it into the ground.”
Trevor jerked back in his seat, shocked by my accusation. He reached forward with a timid hand, “Liz, wait…”
“He trusted you,” I spat out. “He didn’t die suddenly. He died slowly! He had time to reflect on his company. He could have sold it and made a lot of money, Trevor! But no! Grady wanted to give it to you! He wanted to give you a future. He wanted to give you a job! And you’ve destroyed it! That was his dream. Do you know what that meant to him? Do you know how hard he worked to build his company and make a name for himself?”
“I know what he did, Liz. He was my brother.”
“Then act like you give a damn!”
Katherine chose that moment to walk back into the room, although it might have had something to do with my hysterical screaming.
Jace and Lucy both started to cry. Lucy jumped out of her seat and ran to my side. She wrapped her little arms around my waist and held onto me tightly.
I was too ashamed to look at Blake or Abby. My kids had never seen me behave this way. They had been through enough; I didn’t need to put this on them too.
And yet, I couldn’t stop.
“I do give a damn!” Trevor shot back, just as infuriated as me. “You can’t even imagine how this is killing me! How much of a failure I feel like because I can’t make this one thing work. The one thing I want to work most in the world! You don’t think I know how much Grady loved this company? You’re wrong! I worked with him every day for nearly a decade. I watched him build it from the ground up! I know that the only thing he loved more than that place was you and his kids. So don’t think for a second that I would intentionally run this thing into the ground. But I am not Grady, Liz. I’m not even half the man he was.” Trevor ran a rough hand over his eyes but couldn’t stop his angry, hurt tears from falling.
I felt like the worst person in the world for making him feel that way, for making him admit things I didn’t even think were true.
Katherine collapsed in her seat. Silent tears ran down her face, but she didn’t’ try to wipe them away.
When Trevor spoke again, his voice was broken, a picture of what I knew had happened to his spirit as well. “I want to try, Liz. I want to make this business run as successfully as it did when Grady was alive. But I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I know you lost your husband. I know how hard this hit you. But you’ve got to know that I lost my big brother. He was my best friend and now he is gone. I can barely walk into that office without breaking down and losing my goddamn mind. I want to do this right, Liz, but I am just so sad.”
His last words were what finally broke me. I had had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I couldn’t take Grady’s mother looking at me with pity. I felt Katherine’s eyes on me constantly. I felt her waiting for me to break. I could feel her just waiting for me to lose it.
Well, maybe I finally had.
And Trevor was so much worse. He didn’t just look like his older brother, he acted like Grady too. And Trevor was in the middle of his own pain. I could see him suffering. He was a shell of the man he used to be.
I loved Trevor like a brother, but watching him like this made my grief double. I couldn’t hurt for both Trevor and me. I couldn’t hurt for all of us and expect to be able to breathe through this pain.
I pushed back from the table, taking my clinging kids with me. “Trevor, we’re all sad. We all miss Grady. But you’re killing him all over again by killing his company. And the first time is hard enough. I will not grieve him twice. Figure something out or I’m going to sell it.”
His face went white and Katherine jumped to her feet, knocking over a glass of water as she went.
“Liz, you don’t mean that.”
I whirled on her. “I cannot watch that company implode, Katherine. I won’t do it. Grady trusted Trevor, but he didn’t want this.” I turned on my other two children. “Get your shoes o
n, Guys. It’s time to go.”
“But we haven’t had dessert!” Abby complained.
“Abs, we’ll have something when we get home. Let’s go.”
Katherine looked absolutely distraught. “Liz…”
“I’m sorry, Katherine.” I felt sick to my stomach. I was not a confrontational person, but I hadn’t been able to stay quiet. “I really am. I didn’t mean for that to… Or say… I think it would be better if we left now.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
Trevor dropped his face into his hands and I had to turn away when his shoulders started shaking. I couldn’t watch him cry. I couldn’t watch a grown man breakdown because of me and my stupid words.
But I couldn’t make myself apologize either.
I’d meant them. Every word.
Getting in the car took longer than I wanted it to. The kids were not motivated to leave their nana’s house. Katherine insisted we take the pies back home with us and I didn’t have any energy left to fight her.
She helped me pack the kids into the car and load up some leftovers. We said clinical goodbyes and promised to call each other.
She kissed all the kids and then just as I had climbed into the driver’s seat and she stood in the side door saying her last goodbyes, she said, “Grownups fight sometimes.” I spun around to watch her smooth things over with my shaken children. “That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. Your mommy and Uncle Trevor love each other very much, but they also loved your daddy. It’s hard for them without him here. You’ll forgive her for yelling at Uncle Trevor, won’t you?” They must have nodded. “I love you all. I’ll see you soon.”
She stepped back and I closed the door before she could say another word.
It wasn’t until we had pulled into the garage at our home that I had finally calmed down enough to offer them the apology they deserved.
I turned the car off and turned around. “I’m sorry I ruined Thanksgiving.”
They all looked at me and let my words settle over them. Jace and Lucy had already moved on, but the older kids would remember this.
Finally, Blake unbuckled and walked over to me. He threw his arms around my neck and said, “Mommy, it was already ruined without dad here.”
Tears started flowing again. He never called me mommy. I looked over his shoulder at Abby and asked, “Forgive me?”
“Is Uncle Trevor really going to ruin daddy’s job?” she asked thoughtfully.
“Not anymore,” I promised her.
“Okay.” She hopped up and opened the door so she could jump out. Apparently that was all the affirmation she needed.
Blake let go and helped get the little ones out so I could carry the pies inside. We spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch, eating pie and ice cream.
By the time I tucked them into bed, both pies were gone and I should have felt a lot guiltier than I did. They kissed me with sleepy smiles and didn’t bring up my fight with Trevor again.
I didn’t know if they would remember this into adulthood; maybe it would be one of the reasons that sent them running to therapy or maybe they would forget about it before the morning. But I did know that I had behaved inappropriately today and they deserved better than that.
Better than that version of me.
So did Trevor and Katherine.
I felt myself falling apart, crumbling into irreparable pieces that would be crushed into ash. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I had become some angry, ugly creature and I didn’t know how to go back.
That wasn’t true. I knew how to go back to whom I used to be, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to the person that I was before Grady died and I couldn’t bring Grady back to me.
I had ruined Thanksgiving, but Grady’s death had ruined me.
Chapter Twelve
I opened the pantry and then slammed the door closed. There wasn’t anything in there! Damn it. Where had all the food gone?
“Mom!” Blake and Abby called from the entryway at the same time.
“What?” I attacked the refrigerator and searched through every drawer.
“There’s a guy at the front door!” Blake yelled again.
I stood up and spun around. I stared at the stove. If I stared long enough would something magically appear?
“Who is it?” The staring trick was not going to work. I needed to figure out something fast for dinner or my kids were going to mutiny. Grilled cheese?
“The guy with the pool!” Abby shouted as an explanation.
“Ben?”
“Yeah,” Blake confirmed. “Ben!”
“Let him in!” Poor Ben had probably heard every single word exchanged between us, but there was nothing I could do about that now.
Dinner needed to be made ASAP.
I heard the front door open and a low voice greet my kids. Jace ran for my feet, hiding between my legs. I opened the refrigerator again. There had to be something in here.
“I’m in here!” I yelled for Ben’s sake. Lucy and Abby started fighting over something. Girlish screams erupted from the kid craft table.
“I just followed the deafening sounds. I found you.”
I whirled around to greet Ben face to face. He looked like he’d come straight from work. His tie had been pulled off, his top button undone and his cuffs rolled to his forearms. His dark hair was more tussled than usual, as if he’d run his hands through recently.
“Hi,” I smiled at him.
He stared at me for a few long seconds. “Hi.”
His gaze unnerved me so I went back to searching through the cabinets. Nope, no dinner waiting for me in the Tupperware drawer.
“Is this what it’s always like over here?” he asked on an amused chuckle.
“Always,” I said with my head back in the pantry.
“I like it.” From the tone of his voice, I could tell he actually believed he liked it too.
“Give it some time,” I warned. Blake and Abby started fighting about which pencil they were supposed to use for homework. “Blake you have the orange Ninja Turtle, Abby you have Raphael!”
“What are you doing?” Ben asked in a genuinely interested tone.
I glanced over my shoulder to see him leaning on the kitchen island. “Trying to stop the fighting. It will only last a second though. Just wait.”
He grinned at me. “No, I meant in there. What are doing to your kitchen?”
“Oh! I’m, er, trying to come up with dinner. I need to get to the store, but I just… haven’t gone. So, now I’m trying to figure out what kind of meal I can make from a bottle of ketchup, parmesan cheese and frozen peas.”
Ben made a sound in the back of his throat and said, “Please don’t try to make anything with those three ingredients.”
“What’s in your refrigerator, Mr. Bachelor?”
“A bottle of Ranch and a six-pack of beer.”
“No judging.” I whirled my finger at his smug smile. “At least I have peas.”
The three oldest kids started fighting again over pencils and homework and I had to abandon my conversation with Ben to break them up. Then Jace decided he would rather stand on the craft table then sit around it and color, so I had to deal with him.
By the time I got back to Ben, he was just ending a phone call.
“Alright,” I teased. “Let’s pool our resources. What can we make if we combine your bottle of Ranch with my bottle of ketchup?”
“No, need to try to figure out that perplexing puzzle. I just ordered pizza.”
My brain refused to accept his words. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Your children seem hungry.” He waved at the hooligans who had just broken out into a fight over an eraser. “You seem hungry.”
“But I-”
“And I really am hungry. I’m afraid of a dinner that consists only of condiments. I thought I would solve both of our problems.”
I was too overwhelmed with his generosity to protest anymore. “Thank you, Ben.”
Hi
s smile softened with friendly affection. “It’s my pleasure, Liz. I’m happy to help you.”
“You didn’t just help me, you saved my life tonight.”
He leaned forward so that we were only a few inches apart and he could look directly into my eyes. “Elizabeth, any time I can save your life by ordering pizza, please let me know. It’s a sacrifice I am more than willing to make.”
“I, er, um, thank you.” My words were a rushed whisper. I whirled back around to busy myself with something, anything, in the kitchen. “So what did you really come over for? Unless we’re so loud that you could hear us over at your place?”
“I brought some of your mail. A few pieces got mixed up with mine. Thought you might need your water bill.” He waved a couple envelopes in front of him before setting them on the counter.
“Oh, wow, thank you! That would have been bad. My kids can eat peas and ketchup for dinner occasionally, but they cannot go without baths. They are surprisingly smelly.”
“I don’t think that’s surprising,” he countered seriously.
I laughed and watched Abby try to pencil in a mustache on Jace’s wiggling face. He was probably right about that one.
“Abby, be careful of his eyes!”
She squinted studiously at Jace’s upper lip. “I know, Mom!”
Turning back to Ben, I caught him looking at me, not Abby. “I thought you came over to talk about Emma!” I blurted when panic burst to life inside of me.
“Oh, no. Uh, I didn’t come over here to talk about that, or, uh, her.”
“She says you haven’t called her. I thought you said she was fun.”
His eyebrows bunched together. “I’ve called her. She’s called me too.”
“What? She told me you two hadn’t really talked since the first date.”
“Oh, right. Well, we haven’t been on a second date .Maybe that’s what she meant.”
I narrowed my eyes on the giant boy-man in my kitchen and realized he was a terrible liar. “Why not? You said she was fun!” I knew I was repeating myself, but I couldn’t help it. What was his deal with my sister?
He broke into an amused grin. “Yes, she was fun. But that was it. We had a good time. I knew that night I wasn’t going to ask her out again and I know she didn’t expect it to go any further either.”
The Five Stages of Falling in Love Page 11