Lucy was the hardest to find something of Grady’s that would mean something to her. But digging around in the den, I found a box that he had made in high school woodshop. He had stained it and carved his initials in the top, then attached the lid with hinges. It was hard to part with something that meaningful to him. He had kept it with him all of these years and I knew he was proud of his work even back then. My heart had screamed to keep it for myself, but I knew Lucy would grow to love it and treat it with as much care as he had. I told her we would put it some place safe and when she wanted to look at it, I would help her get it down.
I wanted to find something symbolically Grady, so that when Jace was older, he would know it was his dad’s without being able to attach a memory of him to it. But I couldn’t find anything that represented Grady without taping a picture to it. And then it hit me. Jace needed a picture of his daddy. I had one of my favorite pictures blown up and framed. Ben said he would hang it for me later in Jace’s room. The picture was of Grady sitting on a bench at work a few years ago. His chin was tilted high while he laughed at something off film. His green eyes sparkled with life and his tussled hair blew in the wind. He was breathtaking to me. I had been the one that took the picture. I had taken much younger kids with me to see where daddy worked and brought him lunch. I remembered rushing to capture the shot and falling in love with him all over again in that moment. It was an image of Grady I would always remember because it was so quintessentially him. Jace needed to see his daddy like that.
I knew the little ones wouldn’t understand the significance yet, but one day they would and they would learn to appreciate the value of what I gave them. I now had totes for each of them, compiled with gifts from Grady that I planned to give each year.
The totes gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t expected. I had left this house completely untouched after Grady died. His clothes still hung in the closets and his work boots still sat in the mudroom. They weren’t just his earthly possessions, they were pieces of him that I couldn’t imagine parting with.
Well, until now.
Now that his most important memories were packed away and waiting for my children, I thought it might be time. Maybe I could pack up his clothes and give them to someone who needed them. Maybe it was time to put his shoes away and empty the bathroom of his toiletries.
Maybe.
One thing at a time.
The children stared at their gifts for a while, all of them except Jace, who toddled off to get into the box of toys we kept in the living room. Abby and Blake both cried over their new gifts and soon Lucy joined in. Jace came back to see what the commotion was about, so I picked him up and cried with him too. I lead my children to the couch and let them all snuggle close.
Yes, things were better, but they were still hard.
A knock at the door forced me to move. Looking at the clock on the wall, I knew it was time anyway. I gave all of the kids kisses and one last hug.
Ben stood on the other side of the door, holding a large bouquet of pale pink orchids. Before I could greet him, he stepped through the open door and crushed me in a hug. He smelled like him, like the scent I’d gotten used to over the last several months, and the flowers he held against my back.
My arms wrapped around his waist and I held on. I had been the rock all morning, the steady one, the one that held us together. But now I needed someone to be my rock. I felt myself crumbling to pieces, sand that washed away every time a new wave rolled in or ash that scattered in the wind.
“How are you holding up,” he whispered against my temple.
“We’ve survived so far.” I took a step back, realizing that embracing Ben might be inappropriate in front of the kids. He held out the flowers and I took them, dipping my head to enjoy their fragrance. “These are gorgeous. Thank you. Orchids?”
He gave me a small smile. “Roses felt… inadequate.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, so I busied myself with putting them in water. Emma showed up a few minutes later and we all piled into my minivan.
The ride to the cemetery wasn’t long enough. Ben drove for me because I didn’t think I had the strength.
I hadn’t been here since they put in the headstone. And the only other times I visited his grave was right before the funeral when I picked the plot out, then of course, during the funeral.
It just didn’t seem right. His body rested here, but his soul was gone. This was an empty place for me. It didn’t hold the Grady I loved and it only represented his death.
I didn’t want to remember him in death.
I wanted to be with him in life.
The cemetery I’d chosen was a beautiful piece of land with huge trees and rolling hills. His plot sat on the top of a hill, nestled into a view of the sunset at the right time of day and overlooking the rest of the grounds.
At some point during the funeral preparation, I had designed his tombstone. I hardly remembered what I’d picked out, but it was simple, stately, to the point but with a little bit of whimsy.
Like Grady.
Katherine and Trevor met us there. We had arranged to spend time around the grave, remembering this day together.
After Ben parked the car and we piled into the wet March morning, I realized how inappropriate it was for Ben to be here.
I looked at my sister in panic, but she was busy talking to Abby.
I took calming breaths and tried to sort out my feelings. It shouldn’t be awkward. We were just friends. I shouldn’t feel the need to justify his presence to my mother-in-law or to my husband’s empty body.
But I did.
The breath left my lungs. Why hadn’t I thought this through before now? I had asked Ben to be with me today because I knew I needed him. But now it seemed… wrong.
I couldn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame that bubbled over me. I’d made a huge mistake. And there was nothing I could do about it now.
Ben’s hand landed between my shoulder blades where he rubbed a soothing path. I relaxed some but that only irritated me more.
“Who’s your friend, Liz?” Trevor demanded with harsh eyes and a firm mouth.
A sickness rolled through me. I closed my eyes and steeled my courage. “This is Ben, Trevor. He’s a good friend. Ben, this is my brother-in-law, Trevor and my mother-in-law, Katherine.”
Ben stuck out his hand and greeted them politely. They did not seem charmed.
After an hour of standing in the drizzle, mostly silent with our own thoughts, we decided to go for some lunch. I chose a kid friendly place that the adults could enjoy too.
The meal was spent remembering Grady, sharing our memories and tears once again. We talked for the first time of details about the funeral. I realized that all of us had been in a daze during that time period, going through the motions, but not mentally present. Among us we were able to piece together a lot of the details and some really great moments from that time. The kids were wild, wound up after a subdued morning, but we didn’t mind their chaos. In fact, it broke the last of the graveside tension.
The peace only lasted until Ben excused himself for the restroom. He had been silent throughout the meal, taking in our conversation with thoughtful attentiveness. His hand had rested on the back of my chair throughout lunch and when he left, I felt his absence more than I should have.
“How did you meet, Ben?” Katherine asked softly. “I’ve never heard you speak of him before.”
Trevor glared at me while I answered, “He’s my neighbor. He moved in early September and over the last six months we’ve become very good friends.”
Trevor grunted derisively. I gave him a pleading look, begging him to understand that my actions weren’t done out of disrespect to his brother or lack of love. I had needs too. I had lonely places inside of me that needed a friend, that needed someone to care about me.
“He’s very nice, Liz,” Katherine smiled at me. “I’m glad you have someone you can lean on.”
I jerked back, surprised by
her gracious reply. “Me too,” I whispered.
Katherine paid for lunch even though I tried to convince her to let me. She waved me off, not caring how much more right I had than she.
We parted ways in the parking lot. I hugged both Katherine and Trevor, warning him to be nice. He growled at me.
I couldn’t help but laugh. That was so Trevor. And like Katherine said at Christmas, he was treating me like family, like I was his little sister and he was my overprotective big brother. Or like the brother of my dead husband. Either way, his concern made me feel loved.
Emma helped the kids into the house while I walked Ben to the edge of the garage. I had a lot of time to think today and more time than usual to spend with Ben.
He stepped close to me, shielding me from the biting drops of cold rain. I let him invade my personal space, completely used to it by now. When he turned to me and said, “Go out with me, Liz. It’s okay for you to move on now.”
I finally agreed with him. I didn’t know if it was visiting the grave and once again realizing how empty it was, how far gone Grady was from me or if it was that I realized today I didn’t want to be without Ben. I didn’t know what my feelings for him meant or how deeply they went, but I did know they mattered to me in a profound way.
He mattered to me in a way I couldn’t ignore anymore.
“Okay,” I whispered.
The smile that broke out across his face made my stomach flutter and my skin buzz with anticipation. “Okay?”
I nodded, “Yes.”
He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, leaned down and kissed my cheek. “Get a sitter for Friday.”
I watched him walk away, baffled by his words and his attitude. I always expected him to treat me as though I were fragile… thin glass that would shatter with just the slightest bit of pressure, but he never did. He pushed me beyond being delicate, into a place I had never thought I would go again. He made me strong. He demanded that I be anything but weak and broken.
Which might have been the reason I finally said yes.
But oh, god. I said yes.
The happy feelings were replaced with absolute panic. I had a date.
On Friday.
With someone who was not my husband.
Chapter Nineteen
I attacked Emma as soon as she walked in the door. “Oh, my god, he’s a psycho isn’t he? He has to be. That’s the only explanation!”
“Elizabeth Grace, what are you talking about?” My sister went white-faced at my panic attack. “Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” The kids swarmed her legs and demanded she pick them all up.
“Ben!” I shouted over them. “Ben is a psychopath! He has to be!”
“Wait. What?” She scooped Jace up into her arms and bugged her eyes out at me. “What are you talking about?”
“Emma, I have had four children! Four of them! Do you understand the state of my vagina? What kind of man goes out on a date with a woman that has four children?”
“Oh,” she sighed. “You’re just panicking.”
“Of course, I’m panicking! What else would I be doing?” I took a second to catch my breath. “What have I done? I cannot go out with him. He’s got to have like a… a… fetish or something. Or maybe he’s not a lawyer at all. Maybe he’s a conman trying to steal all of Grady’s life insurance money. Or maybe-”
Emma cut me off, “I’m going to stop you right there. First, you know he’s a lawyer. And you know he’s not a liar. Well, or really mostly not a liar, because you know, it’s iffy when you’re a lawyer and… Anyway, I’ve been to his office! I can vouch for him. And he doesn’t really seem like the type to have a fetish. But hey, if he does, just go with it. It could be fun!”
“Emma!”
“Elizabeth, it’s one date. You can never talk to him again after this if you want. Or you can go back to being friends. Really, how is this any different than one of your wine nights? He comes over for dinner all the time. Just think of this like you two hanging out casually. He’ll bring you back home before you turn into a pumpkin and you’ll go to sleep in separate beds. This is no big deal.”
Emma’s words calmed me considerably. I took a slow breath and picked up Lucy to cuddle. Cuddling always gave me comfort.
“This is a date?” Blake asked with one eyebrow raised.
Shit. “No,” I said at the same time Emma said, “Yes.” I gave her another frightened look. “Don’t lie to them, Liz! Be honest.”
My sister, the grad school counselor.
But she was right. I didn’t want to lie to Blake or Abby. And I really didn’t want to have to come back later and explain myself.
“Emma’s right, Blake. This is a date. Ben asked me to go to dinner with him and I said yes.”
He absorbed the information and then with maturity I didn’t know he had in him, he said, “Cool.” I stared at his bouncing head as he moved back into the living room to pick up his game controller.
My gaze swung to Emma. “See?” she said. “I told you.”
“Mommy?” Abby asked and her face revealed more of the reaction I had expected.
I sunk to my knees in front of her, ignoring the cold press of the wood floor against my bare legs. “It’s just dinner, Abs. Ben asked mommy to go with him alone. He, um, he wants to spend time with me. Is that okay?”
“I like Ben,” she mumbled. “But…”
I found myself using Emma’s words on my daughter. “It’s just dinner, Sweetheart. If I come home and you don’t want me to do this again, I won’t. Okay?” That was probably the worst parenting ever, but I couldn’t help myself. I wouldn’t put my kids through another traumatic experience because I was too selfish to ignore my volatile feelings.
“You’re coming back tonight?”
I shivered at her question. “Yes, I’ll be home in a few hours. Promise.”
She threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. “K!”
I stood up and faced my sister again. “Do I look okay?”
“You look smokin’, sweet cheeks.” When I rolled my eyes, she gave my shoulder a little shove. “You’re gorgeous, I swear it. But how long are you going to make it in those heels? When’s the last time you even wore heels?”
I looked down at what were once my favorite pair of black peep-toe stilettos and frowned. “The funeral.”
“Well, don’t think about that now!” Emma cried.
“You’re the one that asked!”
“Liz, look at me.” I did. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me hard, wrinkling the silk of my black lacy cocktail dress. “Ben is the best thing that ever happened to you.” She winced, “After Grady. Do not mess this up.”
“I’ve already messed it up, at least a hundred times. I have no idea why he thinks this is a good idea. I’m not even sure why I said yes! I should call him and cancel right now. I should-”
The doorbell rang.
He was here.
Son of a bitch.
“Emma, I can’t do this.”
Her expression softened and she whispered, “Yes, you can. You can because you want to do this, because you’ll regret not doing this. You care about him, Elizabeth.”
“It doesn’t matter, Em. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. This can’t go anywhere.”
“Just worry about tonight. Then decide about the rest tomorrow.”
“You’re going to make a great shrink one day.” Heat rushed my eyes, I was near tears.
Emma fanned at her face. “Elizabeth!”
“I can see you both standing there!” Ben called through the door.
That dissolved our emotional moment. Emma rushed over to the door and yanked it open. I had a half second to take a steadying breath before Ben stepped into the house and knocked the breath out of me.
The low evening light burned behind him, setting off his dark hair and darker eyes. He stood in the doorframe wearing gray dress pants with a matching gray vest, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black tie.
He had his fancy watch on and his hair had been styled away from his face.
He looked… incredible.
I felt lost looking at him, completely out of my depth and so far beyond casual feelings for him that I couldn’t breathe right.
And yet when his eyes stopped traveling over my body to finally meet my gaze, I felt found. His heated stare held so much affection but I managed to take courageous breaths and clear my mind of the sharpened panic that had sent me into a tailspin.
I managed to put all of my grief, heartache and craziness aside for this moment and focus only on him and how he made me feel.
“Liz,” Ben breathed. “I’m not going to be able to stop looking at you.”
I blushed fiercely from his compliment. I had never been admired so openly by anyone other than Grady. I didn’t know how to react or even accept the praise.
“Thank you,” I barely whispered.
The kids attacked Ben, asking him where we were going and when we would back. Blake wanted to show Ben his game and the girls wanted to play with him. He looked up at me for help, smiling affectionately at the hooligans latched to his legs.
“Can I come over tomorrow to see the game?” he asked Blake. “I promised to take your mom to dinner and I don’t think I can keep her waiting much longer.”
“Why not?” Blake asked like it didn’t matter if I had to wait or not. Such a typical response from my oldest.
“Look at her, Blake.” And that was all he said. Blake had no idea what he was talking about. Ben closed the distance between us and reached for my hand. “Are you okay?” he asked gently.
I nodded. How could I be anything but okay with this man? “Yes.”
“Ready to go?” I nodded again. “Then kiss your kids and let’s get out of here.”
I did exactly as he said. I gave all of the children big hugs and kisses one at a time. They hugged me back but let me go, excited about their night with Emma.
I let him lead me to his car. He helped me into the passenger’s seat and then took his place in the driver’s. He had already told me that he planned to take me to dinner, so I had known what to expect.
The Five Stages of Falling in Love Page 18