I pushed beyond Ben to climb out of the swimming pool too. Once I had a towel securely wrapped around me, I walked over to my brother-in-law to see why he’d tracked us down.
After my initial relief that he’d interrupted a tense moment between Ben and me, I now felt disastrously ill. Trevor didn’t seek me out on his own. There had to be a problem with the business.
“Hey, Trev,” I greeted.
He looked up at me with a very perplexed expression and explained, “I followed the screaming. I could hear these monsters from the driveway.” They all laughed and screamed louder, proving his point.
“Is everything okay?” The words were out of my mouth before I could think of better ones. I was too nervous to wait for him.
“Can we talk?”
I cleared my throat, feeling more nervous as the seconds ticked by. “Sure.”
“Alone?”
“Yes.” I nodded enthusiastically and pointed toward my house. “I forgot the sunscreen anyway. Walk with me?”
“You got it.” He bent down to kiss the top of the kids’ heads and offer promises about taking them to the arcade.
I looked back at Ben and tried to convey my concern with raised eyebrows. We hadn’t been dating long enough for him to read all of my facial expressions, but I hoped this one was pretty obvious. “Can you keep an eye on everybody? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Ben moved to the ladder and climbed out with agile grace. “Who needs a snack?” he called to the wild things. They agreed with more shouting and cheering. “That’s great!” he told them as he herded them toward his sliding glass door. “Because I’ve got three different kinds of Pop-Tarts I need to get rid of.” I froze in place. He had to be kidding. He looked over and shot me a sly wink. That man.
Trevor and I walked in silence up to the house. I opened the front door for him and stepped into my super-cooled entryway. Or maybe it just felt that way after lounging for hours in the hot sun. I hadn’t bothered with flip-flops so my grass-covered feet felt every inch of cold wood as I led him into the kitchen where I’d left the sunscreen on the counter.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?” The truth was, I hadn’t seen much of Trevor or Katherine over the past couple months. I knew she was avoiding me after she caught Ben kissing me in the hallway and I felt too guilty and too ashamed to reach out to her first.
Trevor was a casualty of Katherine and my avoidance.
Although, there was a very good chance that he was avoiding me on purpose too.
“I’ve been great,” he breathed on a sigh that sounded good- so much better than the last time I saw him.
“Really?” The question was out of my mouth before I could process why I asked it. I thought maybe I expected more bad news. It was stranger to me that Trevor could possibly be okay than if he would have said he was filing for bankruptcy.
He smiled at me, “Really. Summer has been good for me and good for the business too.”
His words filled me with hope, “How good?”
“Liz, we might be back on track. We haven’t lost money in three months and we’re booked out through the fall. I think it’s going to stay this way too. I finally feel like I have my feet underneath me and a handle on what Grady had been doing.”
“Trevor, that’s amazing! I knew you could do it!”
His smile grew into a proud grin. “I kept waiting for Grady to come back and put someone else at the head of his business,” he confessed. “I just couldn’t believe that he meant to put me in charge. I am not Grady. I will never be Grady. And yet he left me so much to take care of. I felt like he made a mistake.”
“He didn’t.”
Trevor’s smiled died and the bright light in his eyes dimmed. “I am still struggling to believe that. But what you said at Thanksgiving, about how I was killing him all over again, that really made me start to think.”
“I shouldn’t have said that!” Regret churned in my stomach. God, how cruel I had been! “It wasn’t true, Trev. I was just so angry and-”
“It was true, Liz. And I needed to hear it. I needed a fire lit under my ass.”
I smiled and shook my head at him. “I’m still sorry.”
“And I’ve already forgiven you.” He looked around the kitchen, taking it in again. “I don’t really like that guy you’re dating.”
His words sucked the air from the room. I wasn’t expecting them and I didn’t know how to reply. I stood there awkwardly playing with the spray can of sunscreen.
“But Grady would have.”
My heart dropped to my stomach and I struggled to speak above a whisper, “What?”
“Grady would have liked him,” Trevor repeated finally meeting my eyes. “He never wanted you to be alone, Lizzy. He never wanted to leave you with everything. It’s been hard for me to come over here ever since he… died. Not just because everything in this damn house reminds me of him, but because watching you do this on your own killed me. I love those kids, as much as I’ve ever loved anything. They need a dad. You need help.”
“Trev, Ben and I aren’t serious. Not at all. I’m hardly thinking of him as a replacement for Grady.”
He smiled patiently at me, as if he knew something I didn’t. “But if you have to have a guy around, he’s a good one.”
“You don’t really know him.”
“Are you trying to convince me not to like him?” Trevor laughed. He ran two hands through his tussled hair and took a deep breath. “When Grady first told me about you, I was still in high school. He called me up to tell me he was going to bring a girl over to meet mom. I was too young to know that might mean anything, so I made some off-color joke that he didn’t like. I remember that he got serious, right away. He didn’t yell at me though or lecture me. He just said, ‘When you meet Liz, you’ll get it. She burns bright, Trevor. I need that kind of light in my life.’”
“Trevor…”
“He didn’t want that to end with him, Lizzy.”
Through a thick throat, I said, “He said something like that to me near the end.”
“He always thought of you first. Always. And he always wanted what was best for you and the kids. That’s why he worked so hard. That’s why he built what he did. He just couldn’t even imagine giving you something less than he thought you deserved. He was the best guy I have ever known.”
“It’s hard to imagine settling for anybody else. I think whoever they are will always feel like second best. Or second string or whatever.”
Trevor barked out a surprised laugh. “Yeah, maybe. But whoever they are will have a lot to live up to. So maybe don’t worry about that. Maybe just keep doing what you’re doing and trust that it will all work out.”
“When did you get so wise?” I looked at my brother-in-law from across the kitchen and saw him differently. He’d grown up over the last year. He wasn’t the same immature kid that followed his brother around, desperate for guidance and Grady’s approval. He was a man. And somehow he’d become a good man. Grady would have been so proud of him.
Trevor ran his hand through his hair again and shrugged one shoulder. “Guess my brother convinced me to grow up after all.” He blew out a long breath, “Damn, I miss him.”
“Me too.”
I walked him out to his car and said goodbye, promising him that I would text soon about having him over for dinner. I watched his car pull out of the cul-de-sac and stood there wrapped in my towel for a long time, thinking about our conversation.
When I finally turned back to Ben’s house, I realized it was the first time Trevor and I had ever talked about Grady when I hadn’t cried.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“I don’t know why I agreed to this.” I looked at the well-manicured, two-story house that Ben grew up in and felt sick to my stomach. What had I been thinking?
“Are you nervous?” Ben settled back in the driver’s seat of his Lexus and watched me fidget.
“Of course, I’m nervous. It’s never e
asy meeting someone’s parents.”
“They already love you,” he reminded me. He had been telling me this for weeks as he tried to get me to agree to this dinner. I had avoided it for as long as I could before I started to irritate him. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“It just feels so… final, you know? It’s what people do in serious relationships.” I played with the hemline of my flouncy navy blue skirt and refused to look at him.
A chill filled the car when he said, “Liz, what is it that you think we’re doing?”
My heartbeat picked up, but not in a good way. “Ben…”
“We’re serious.”
I sucked in a quick breath. This was the wrong place and time to have this conversation. “That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean then?” His hand reached over the console to intertwine with mine. “What do you think we’re doing?”
“Making out a bunch?” I dragged my gaze up to meet his and watched his lips twitch.
“That is not what we’ve been doing,” he disagreed seriously. “We’re not fifteen anymore.”
He could be so exasperating. “Then what would you call it?”
“Foreplay.”
His body slid gracefully from the car so he could walk around and open my door. I felt the blood drain from my face while a fire lit low in my belly. Something deliciously lustful rolled over my skin at the same time I struggled not to panic.
I swallowed against a lump in my throat and tried to steady out my breathing. By the time Ben opened my door and offered his hand, I had started to tremble.
He pulled me from the passenger’s seat and settled his hand on my waist. He nudged me to the side so he could close my door, but backed me against it, caging me in with his body.
“Liz, you mean a lot to me. I’ve come to care for you deeply.” His hand brushed over my jaw and his gaze bored into mine with staggering intensity.
“I care about you too.” I hated the quiver in my voice, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was obnoxiously stunted when it came to this relationship. I felt more immature about my feelings for Ben than anything else in my life. But I also didn’t know how to solve that. I wasn’t ready to be anything more than casual with him. I wasn’t ready to let go of Grady and accept that my feelings for Ben were real and significant. I had started my cycle of grief all over again only with this relationship. Currently I had settled into denial.
I liked denial.
Ben’s expression did not soften when he said, “I’m exhausted with pretending that this thing between us is anything less than serious. I want more from you, Liz. I want more from us.”
My heart kicked into overdrive, “I don’t know if I can give you more. I’m… I’m just trying to keep up with what we already are.”
“Then meet my parents,” he coaxed gently. “That’s all I’m asking. Live in this moment with me and we’ll get to the next moment together. I’m not going to make you do this on your own.”
My hands glanced over his chest to wrap around his neck. I needed him to hold me together, to keep me together. He wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me tightly to him. My heart pounded against his chest, but when I breathed in his familiar scent I couldn’t help but relax.
I closed my eyes and let my spirit return home.
“Don’t leave my side,” I ordered him.
“I won’t, Liz. Not for anything.”
He squeezed me tighter and I felt his promise burrow inside of me and chain itself to my heart. I didn’t want to face the fact that we were serious, but we were. Ben had become an immovable part of my life. He cared about me and I cared about him. He cared about my children and they loved him in return.
I had to let go of this denial. I needed to face the reality of our relationship. What I didn’t have to do was decide what that meant. A permanent future together was still impossible, but I couldn’t give him up yet.
So that meant I needed to meet his parents.
“Okay,” I conceded. “Take me to dinner.”
He pulled back to press a sweet kiss to my lips. “I can do that.”
Taking my hand, he led me to the front door of his parent’s stately two-story house. This looked like the kind of place a successful lawyer would live. And yet, I had to laugh because it was so vastly different than Ben’s current home.
Ben’s house was modern, the most modern in our circle. This house had all of the character that he’d described his parents with, colonial with cream stucco siding and beautiful flower beds that wrapped around the house. I felt a thrill of anticipation. I suddenly couldn’t wait to meet them and to see the kind of faded environment Ben had grown up in.
His relationship with his father improved daily, but he’d shared some of the hurt from his childhood and I knew it was still hard for him to accept that his father wanted to change, to salvage whatever they could of their tattered bond.
We walked through the open front door and Ben called out, “Mom, we’re here!”
She rushed into the entryway, a ruffle-trimmed apron tied around her waist. “Ben, hi! And you must be Liz! I’m Sharon, it’s so great to finally meet you.” A beautiful smile lit her happy face. She was everything I expected her to be from the pictures hanging in Ben’s house, but so much more in real life. Her dark brown bob fit the shape of her face stylishly, no grays anywhere in sight, and she held her slender frame with a dignified grace that I recognized in the way Ben held himself too. She looked between Ben and me with a shocking amount of affection. I didn’t know how to accept her immediate approval of me.
Katherine had been so distant my entire marriage to Grady. I had expected much of the same with Sharon.
A burning irritation rippled through me. I couldn’t help but hate that I had to go through this again. It had been bad enough with Grady, but what was I doing here with Ben?
His hand squeezed mine and I tried to step out of my bad mood. “It’s nice to meet you too, Sharon. Ben has told me so much about you.” I smiled politely and squared my shoulders in an attempt to push my negative thoughts away.
She looked at her son adoringly, “Has he? He hasn’t shut up about you and the kids. It’s too bad you couldn’t bring them with you. I’m so anxious to meet them.”
“I… Well… I, uh, thought it was probably better if they stayed home tonight. They can be… a little much.”
She waved a hand in front of her face as if dismissing that very true fact. “Oh, I don’t believe it. And if they are, I’m sure it’s in the best way. Ben speaks so highly of them; I know they are very special kids.”
I tried to contain my surprise when I said, “Ben is a little biased.” I had never imagined Ben speaking well of my kids to others. The thought had literally never crossed my mind. And if I had maybe stopped to think about what he would say, I assumed it would be of how chaotic my life could be or how overwhelming we were. It left me a little breathless that he didn’t seem to feel that way at all.
“Ben loves you. Of course, he’s biased,” she grinned at me. And then, as if her words had not just completely shattered my entire world, she waved us toward the dining room. “Dinner’s ready and Mark will never forgive me if I learn anything more about you without him.”
She turned her back to us and started walking toward the dining room. I froze in place. I couldn’t pick up my feet or find energy to follow her. My body had become fragile, my skin had grown thin and brittle, my heart a piece of delicate glass.
“Do not freak out,” Ben’s words were a whisper against my ear.
All I could do was press my lips together and shake my head.
“Liz,” he rumbled before pressing a kiss against my jaw. “She’s my mom and she’s never seen me this happy before. Of course, she thinks I love you.”
I braved a look at him. “And do you?”
“If I deny it, will you be able to get through dinner?”
I nodded, ignoring the thin veil of his words over the
truth I didn’t want to accept.
“Then I don’t love you. You’re the most aggravating woman I’ve ever met. I can barely tolerate you.”
“And my kids?”
“Oh, no,” he chuckled. “I definitely love them.”
“You do?” An aching affection flooded my body, filling in all of the cracks that fear and uncertainty had left me with. An emotional heat bubbled in my chest and wrapped my stiff limbs with something like hope.
“Yes, I do. But they agree with me about you. You aggravate us all.”
“Are you two coming? The roast is getting cold.”
He pushed his hand against my lower back and led me to a dining room that had been set up for an elegant evening. I marveled at the china place settings and the silver cutlery. Sharon knew how to entertain.
I felt severely unprepared for the evening ahead, but it had very little to do with the table set up.
Ben’s dad stood up when we entered the softly lit room. He was an imposing figure with a broad chest and impeccably coiffed silver hair. He held out his hand to me with a small smile warming his expression.
“Liz, it’s so nice to finally meet you. We’ve been looking forward to this evening for a very long time.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, Mark,” I smiled at him. “Everything smells delicious.”
“Then let’s eat it,” he grinned.
We took our seats and started passing dishes. Mark and Sharon threw question after question at me, seeming intrigued by every single aspect of my life.
I felt out of breath through the entire meal, trying to keep up with them. They were genuinely nice people that just wanted to know more about me. Still, their interest in my life was disconcerting. I had four kids. I was a widow. I was the very last person they should want their successful son to fall for.
Ben shared stories of the kids and they laughed as if they knew them. Sharon told anecdotes from Ben’s childhood and I found myself laughing along with them. Mark was more reserved than his wife, but I could see the effort he put into getting to know me.
The Five Stages of Falling in Love Page 22