Fragile Dreams

by Karen Cogan

  Gran sank onto the couch, tears flowing down her cheeks as she reached over to Caroline.

  “Caroline?” Jed said.

  “Go, please, go.” Caroline choked out the words.

  Nate waited in the shadows of the dining room and prayed for words of comfort. He wanted to go to Caroline, to tell her she need not marry a man who had the ill breeding to suggest a wedding one breath after he announced a funeral.

  He clenched his jaw, impatient for Jed to leave. When he heard the door shut, he moved from the shadows to the dim light of the parlor. Andrew stood watching the women as silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Nate rubbed his hand gently across the boy’s hair as Andrew wiped at his tears.

  “It’s all right, Andrew. You’ve got a right to cry.”

  Sobbing, Gran said, “James isn’t suffering. He’s gone to be with the Lord.”

  Caroline cried out. “Leaving the rest of us to mourn. I hate the Yankees. They’ve ruined our lives.”

  Andrew sniffed loudly and dashed for the stairs.

  Nate swallowed over the lump that had risen in his throat. Then he headed quietly to his room.

  He found his sleep disturbed by dreams of Caroline. He awoke in the night and thought he heard her sobbing. He buried his head in his pillow and tried to shut out the sound and memory of Caroline. It hurt to know that, while he longed to comfort her, she wanted nothing to do with any Yankee.

  In the morning, he collected his few belongings and saddled the horse which Caroline had said he might borrow. He slipped back into the house, planning to find pen and ink in the parlor and leave Caroline a note.

  The floorboards protested his passing, sounding loud in the quiet house. As he passed beside the stairs, a creak drew his attention. He jerked his head to see Caroline standing like a ghost on the landing. He tried to read her expression, to find hope that she might soften toward him, and found only aloofness. Though her eyes were reddened from tears, her determined composure suited the black dress with high ruffled collar she wore in mourning.

  “I heard about James. I’m sorry, Caroline.”

  She nodded, commencing her descent of the stairs. She paused at the bottom. “I suppose you’ll be leaving this morning? I’ll get your breakfast.”

  Nate’s jaw tightened as Caroline retreated into the perfect southern hostess.

  They stood in silence. The barrier of their differing loyalties stood like a boulder between them. Nate’s hands grew damp with anxiety. If only she would storm at him and beat him with her fists he could quiet her in his arms. Her terrible politeness killed his hope worse than any show of emotion. He swallowed hard. He knew any bite of food he ate would stick on the way down.

  “It’s not a long ride to Branchville. I’ll eat when I get there.”

  He opened his hand to reveal a small dove carved of pine. “I want you to have this. I carved it right before I joined the war. It reminds me of a verse in chapter thirteen of Job. ‘Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.”

  She made no move to accept the gift. Nate placed it in her hand and closed her fingers around it. “It reminds me that I can trust God’s plan for me even unto death.” He swallowed hard. “Even though it’s from a Yankee, I thought it might bring you comfort.”

  “It’s very kind of you, I’m sure.” Her face, rigid as a china doll, looked fragile.

  He longed to run a finger along her cheek, yet dared not chance rejection. Instead, he replied, “I won’t leave you to bear your burdens alone. I’ll come back to help you care for the crops we planted.”

  Her lips pressed into a thin line. “You needn’t bother. You don’t owe us anything.”

  The frustration he’d held in check broke it’s carefully guarded bounds. “But I will bother. I don’t know why you accuse only the Yankees of bringing death. Lots of good men have died on each side. Northern women have lost brothers, husbands and sons. It’s as though you blame me for James’s death. I didn’t start this war, and I didn’t kill your brother.”

  Without another look, he turned on his heel and strode out the door to the waiting horse.

  Caroline felt the lump grow in her throat. She gripped the stair rail, longing to call to him, yet torn by her pain.

  She watched him walk away while every fiber of her being screamed for him to stay. The sound of fading hoofbeats sent her fleeing to her room. She shut the door and threw herself across her bed where she gave in to the racking sobs that tore her throat.

  Two months earlier, her decisions would have been easier. She still would have faced the pain of losing James. But she would have married Jed and faced her future with stoic resolve. Now that she had met Nate she could not bear the thought of marrying another. She sobbed for her losses, including Nate, if he took her words to heart and did not return.

  Fragile Dreams

  Fragile Dreams

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  For two weeks Caroline dragged through her days. The tiny cotton plants pushed though the ground as did the peas and beans in her garden. The azaleas and impatiens burst into bright bloom. Yet, Caroline felt none of the usual pleasure at their glorious display. She went about her tasks of tending the garden and hoeing the field, feeling as dead inside as the few dead leaves that lingered on the lawn.

  A blue sky dawned every morning, dotted with clouds that looked like passing sheep. The irrigation channel that ran though the fields spared Caroline the need to haul water for the crops. The tiny offshoot from the nearest field watered the garden. But with no rain in the last two weeks, the level of the river had dropped.

  She squinted into the sky and sighed. If the cotton failed, they would lose their home. She could not allow herself to hope that Nate would return. Best to prepare herself for the inevitable. She would be forced to marry Jed to keep her family from starving.

  With her thoughts dismally set, it seemed appropriate to see Jed ride up the drive as she stooped to pull a weed that threatened a tiny shoot of corn. She smoothed the curls that had escaped her sunbonnet, determined to ignore the look of disapproval that always flickered across his face when he saw her working.

  He dismounted and walked his horse, allowing the tired animal to cool down. He’d been riding hard. His face, hardened with hostility for the Yankees, looked older than his years.

  Caroline bit her lip as tears sprang to her eyes. How many of their men would go through lives as wretched as Jed had become, steeped in hatred, more scarred inside than out? He paused at the garden.

  “It seems I can’t bring anything but bad news.”

  Caroline sighed. “I can’t think of anything you could tell me that could be worse than losing James.”

  “Worse? Things are going to get much worse with these Yankees around.” He fairly spat the words. His face contorted with hatred.

  “We’re losing the war. I don’t know who can stop them from going wherever they please.”

  “That’s exactly right. Someone must stop them.” His eyes held a wild illumination that frightened Caroline.

  He brushed his hand through his hair and added, “They swagger through town like they belong there, telling decent folks what to do. I’m the law in my town. No Yank is going to brush me out of the way like a swatted fly. You wait and see. I’ll make them sorry they came here.”

  She caught his arm to stop the tirade. “Hush now. There’s nothing you can do. You’ll just get yourself thrown in jail for causing trouble.”

  Instead of calming him, her words increased his agitation. “In jail? No Yankee is putting me in my own jail. They’ll have to kill me first.”

  Caroline squeezed his arm. “Stop it. It won’t help the rest of us for you to get yourself killed.”

  “I’ll do whatever it takes to get rid of these locusts.”

  Caroline dropped her hand. “It’s too late for that.” The burden of the war felt like a lead weight on her shoulders.

  Jed’s lips formed a grim line. “Maybe we can’t turn the tide of the war, but that doesn’t mean w
e have to accept defeat. I’ll fight the Yankees as long as there’s breath in my body.” He clasped her hand to his lips, imparting a kiss before he turned and walked away.

  She watched him mount up, his figure shrinking in the distance as he rode beside the tall magnolias. At least he hadn’t pressed her about marriage.

  She shivered. His hatred had already widened the gulf between them. She could not hate the Yankees the way Jed did.

  She hated the killing and burning and all that the Union army had done. But she couldn’t hate the men without seeing Nate’s face. Even her loyalty to the South could not compel her to hate Nate.

  ****

  The next weekend, Jed returned with the look of a man determined to accomplish his errand. Caroline heard Gran’s cluck of disapproval as he followed Caroline to the parlor. “I want you to marry me this week. There’s nothing to wait on now. James is gone, and you need a man around here for protection. I’ve brought my grandmother’s engagement ring. It’s been in our family for generations.”

  Caroline stared dumbly as he attempted to slide the ring on her finger. As it reached her knuckle, she jerked her hand away, foiling his attempt.

  He scowled. “Is there something wrong with my grandmother’s ring?” The large diamond shimmered in the afternoon sun that poured in the window.

  “No. It’s beautiful. It’s not the ring.”

  “Then what is it?”

  She bit her lip. “You’re rushing me. I’m not ready for such an important decision.”

  His face darkened. She sensed the effort it took to control his temper.

  “I don’t want to say things that hurt you, dear. Right now, you are still a beautiful woman. However, you must understand that the war has shortened the supply of handsome beaux to come courting at your feet. What do you hope to gain by waiting? Someone better than me?”

  Caroline felt as trapped as a rabbit with a fox waiting outside its burrow. How could she explain to Jed that she had not meant to lead him on? She might have settled on him in the past. Yet, after tasting the nectar of genuine love, her stubborn heart would not let her settle.

  She scrambled for an answer. She could neither tell Jed about Nate, nor allow herself to be forced into marriage. Her determination rose at the flash of anger in his eyes. She drew a deep breath.

  “The war has confused my feelings. You can either give me time to sort them out or find someone else for this ring.”

  She watched him swallow hard in a struggle to control his irritation.

  “Very well, Caroline. I want you to keep the ring. You don’t have to wear it. Just put it where you can see it. Think about how much easier your life would be if you had me here. We’d hire a few field hands to tend your land, and you could stay in the house and not burn that pretty skin.”

  She resisted the urge to flinch as he ran a hand lightly across her face. What was wrong with her? She’d known this man for years. Yet it seemed she could hardly bear his touch.

  “Please,” she began. He cut her off with a finger to her lips.

  “Keep the ring. It’s the least you can do for me. Now promise you’ll think about what I said.”

  Caroline gave a miserable nod, feeling more trapped than ever by the impossibility of commanding her feelings to abide by what was logical. The knowledge that he would return, demanding either compliance or an explanation, tainted her relief at his departure.

  Gran stood with her hands on her hips as Caroline closed the door. She could feel the weight of her grandmother’s disapproval. Gran had never been one to hold back her opinion. Despite the circumstances, Caroline felt amused at Gran’s attempt to be tactful.

  “I don’t mean to pry, but you have no business considering marriage to Jed. He’s not a Christian, and no good can come of it.”

  Caroline smoothed her skirt and faced Gran’s scowl. “What would you have us do? If the crops fail, we’ll all starve.”

  Gran shook her head. “The crops aren’t going to fail. The Lord takes care of His own.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I’m right.” Gran continued to mutter her displeasure as she headed to the kitchen.

  Caroline watched fondly, thinking how childlike her grandmother seemed in her faith, always believing someone would take care of her. It reminded her...of what?

  Suddenly, she paused. It was a verse in the Bible she’d heard long ago. She picked up the family Bible from the parlor table and sat down on the settee. She thumbed through the gospels, searching until she found the eighteenth chapter of Matthew.

  She placed her finger under the verses and read, “At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them, and said, ‘Truly, I say to you unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.’”

  Tears filled her eyes. If only she could trust God the way Nate had challenged her to do. What was the verse he had quoted from Jeremiah? She flipped back in her Bible and read. “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

  She brushed away the tears and continued reading, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes...”

  She stopped reading and closed the Bible. Tears spilled down her cheeks. Nate had said God wanted as personal a relationship with her as He had with Job. Could she call upon the Lord? Would he hear her if she prayed? She closed her eyes tightly.

  “Lord, I set up many conditions for you to meet before I’d give you my life. Now I see that the trust comes first. Forgive me and strengthen me as I learn. I say, like Job, even though You may slay me, I will not turn away.”

  Like a thunderstorm dwindles to gentle rain, her tears of anguish turned to joy. Peace closed about her like the tender arms of a loving parent. She set Jed’s ring atop the piano to be returned. She would not marry any man because of fear for her future. Either God would provide for them, or they would die in their trust. She was sure Jed would never understand her explanation for refusing him. Still, it was the best she could give.

  Outside, she heard Andrew’s shouts of greeting before she saw the figure riding a strange horse and leading a familiar one. She froze on the porch, with Gran at her elbow.

  “Why it’s Mr. Sikes. I’ll put another plate on the table.” Caroline could not move. The memory of the words she’d said at their parting made her heart beat painfully against her ribs. She wondered if Nate was remembering them. He greeted Andrew warmly, handing him a bag of licorice sticks. “How’s our cotton growing? Have you been tending to it?”

  Andrew grinned. “I’ve been doing everything just like you said. The cotton’s this high now.” Andrew bent to show Nate the size of the thriving young plants.

  Nate ruffled Andrew’s hair. “You’re a good farmer, it seems.”

  “Come on. I’ll show you.” Andrew tugged at Nate’s jacket.

  Nate handed Andrew the reins. “Hold on. I’ve got to return a borrowed horse. You take it to the stable and care for it along with mine while I talk to your sister. Then, we’ll see the cotton.”

  Caroline could only stare. Though he’d lived in her daydreams, they had failed to do him justice. Now, standing before her in a uniform that brought out the blue of his eyes, she swallowed hard and waited for him to speak.

  He regarded her solemnly. “You look surprised to see me. Didn’t I tell you I’d return?”

  Caroline nodded. His gaze assessed her, probing her reaction. She swallowed hard.

  “I’m glad to see you. I said some things to you I should never have said. I hope you can forgive me.”

  A grin broke across his face like sunshine breaking a cloudy day. “I can forgive you because I love you—have loved you from the moment we met.”

&
nbsp; Caroline’s cheeks flushed warmly. Her heart told her this was what love should be. The easy friendship and warm, eager feelings she felt for Nate had convicted her heart, preventing her from agreeing to marry Jed. His admission demanded an answer. Did she love him, too? Her heart beat swiftly.

  “I love you. I don’t want anything to come between us ever again. A little while ago, I asked the Lord to help me trust Him. I want to sweep away the anger and bitterness that was keeping us apart. I may have setbacks, but I do want to change.” Nate’s eyes shone as he gathered her into his arms.

  “We all fall short of the glory of God. But with God’s help, you’ll become a woman of faith.” He kissed the top of her head.