“Yeah, I just don’t see that happening,” I replied, pushing him away. I threw a quick glance around the lobby of the casino but saw nothing terribly interesting as the alarm shut off, leaving us in blissful silence. I hadn’t realized how loud it had been, but then again, I could still hear the alarm ringing in my ears.
“Fair enough.” Sam turned away and began making his way toward the Employees Only door. “Let’s get a move on. We’ll have to make our way across town to Asmodai’s palace of Flesh.” He tapped a non-existent watch. “Time’s a wasting.”
Jenna raised an eyebrow, giving me that “is this guy for real” look. I was inclined to agree. Ever since we’d met up with Sam, he’s seemed almost too good at worming out of situations, and guys like that were never the best to be around. There would always be a point where you were left in the lurch. On the other hand, I was sort of starting to like him. I wasn’t quite sure why that was the case, but I did.
“Wait, stop, time out,” I said, making the time out gesture with my hands. “Can we just take a few seconds to formulate a plan without motherfuckers shooting at us?”
Sam spun, huffed out a huge breath and rolled his eyes like a teenage girl. Then he shoved his hands in the pockets of his skinny jeans. It made me want to deck him. “What’s there to talk about?”
“How do you know about us needing to find Asmodai?” I asked, looking him up and down. There was definitely something off about him, and it definitely wasn’t the hipster garb. No, it was something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
“Look, Mac, there’s only two ways into Hell. You die or you get trapped here.” He gestured at me. “The two of you obviously aren’t dead, and you’re in this particular realm.” He nodded toward Jenna. “She’s one of Asmodai’s seven, so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you’re here because of Asmodai.” He shrugged. “Not sure why Mammon is after you unless…” His eyes lit up. “You broke a deal with him, didn’t you?”
“Not per se,” I said, not liking how astute Sam appeared to be. I never really bought that whole Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning thing, but he was remarkably on point.
“That doesn’t explain why we’re going to visit the Prince of Lust,” Jenna said, crossing her arms. “He’s like the last person I want to see. We should be finding a way out of here.”
“Well, that’s the thing.” Sam turned back toward the door and began walking like he knew we’d follow him. “Once you’re here, you can’t leave unless your business is resolved.” He pushed the door open. “So let’s get a move on. As I said, time’s a wasting. Besides, idle hands are the devil’s playthings and all that.”
“I’m guessing you don’t have a lot of friends, do you?” I asked, following along behind him because I really had no better plan. If what he was saying was right, we wouldn’t be able to leave until we killed Asmodai… only, only that was my thing, not Jenna’s. What if she had a different thing? It seemed pretty likely, and while I didn’t know what it was, I was willing to bet it had to do with shooting me.
That thought made my blood run cold. I wanted to make everything up to Jenna, to right my past wrongs toward her, but at the same time I did want to get home, and I wasn’t sure if I could let her kill me just so she could go home. I didn’t really want to think about that, and instead hoped beyond hope that it wasn’t true. If it was, well, I’d cross that bridge then.
“Not a lot of friends, no. I like to keep my inner circle small.” Sam shrugged. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason,” I replied because if the whole casino thing with Mephistopheles had taught me anything, it was that he clearly had some kind of pull down here. Better to keep him on our side, if possible.
“It’s because you’re an ass, isn’t it?” Jenna said. She hadn’t moved, and it surprised me to see her still standing there. From the way she looked at Sam, I was willing to bet she was seeing something I wasn’t. I had no idea what the extent of her powers as one of Asmodai’s seven would be, but maybe it helped her here more than being a Cursed helped me.
“Yes,” Sam said like he didn’t care. “I’ll admit, I’m sort of an acquired taste.” He made a hurry up gesture. “Now hurry up.”
“Why are you in such a hurry?” I asked. It was one thing to be worried about Mammon and the demon bikers, but Sam didn’t seem like either of them bothered him, so what was with the sudden rush? Even Mephistopheles had left, and I got the impression that as long as we stayed within these walls, we’d be safe, relatively speaking.
“I know, I know, time is a construct of the man to keep us down,” Sam said, glancing at his watch-less wrist. “But I’ll have you know there’s a good reason for haste—”
“He just wants to get out of here,” Jenna said, walking up beside me and taking my hand. It felt good, not in a romantic way, but in the “I’m here for you and we’ll get through this” way because as I watched Sam fidget like a tweaker in desperate need for a fix, my doubts about him resumed. What if Jenna was seeing something I wasn’t?
“Yeah, I guess, I get that,” I said, shouldering my demonic shotgun and stepping through the door. I found myself staring at a parking lot filled with cars of all makes and models. As Jenna and Sam stepped out beside me, I found myself wondering which one we were going to take. There was seriously every make and model of car you could have imagined.
Before I could ask him, Sam leapt the guardrail in some kind of weird parkour jump and landed on the ground beside a battered yellow hearse with ads for strip clubs plastered across every square inch of its body. As I tore my eyes from the busty, cloven-hooved stripper and glanced at Sam who grinned in a way that made me check for my wallet. I knew I didn’t have one, but I found myself patting my pants, anyway.
“All aboard Sam’s One Way Ticket, the fastest taxi service this side of Heaven.” He grinned, pulling the passenger door open and gesturing for us to climb inside.
I glanced at Jenna, and as she let out a slow breath, I smiled. “What’s the problem?” I asked, raising my eyebrow at her. “You want to live forever or something?”
5
“Where the fuck are we going?” Jenna asked, obviously uncomfortable as she scooted closer to me in the back of the hearse. I was inclined to agree. We’d been driving on a four lane highway surrounded by nothing but empty desert for the better part of an hour, and I got the feeling we were running out of time, even if Sam’s lead foot was causing us to zip by everything from Lamborghini Diablos to the turbo-charged stegosaurus-drawn carriages like they were at a standstill.
Even the hearse wasn’t that bad. Sure, advertisements for demonic strip clubs were plastered across both its interior and exterior, but it was roomy and well maintained, although it smelled so strongly of mint, it felt like I was sucking on an Altoid every single time I inhaled. Still, it didn’t smell like vomit and cigarettes, which was what my usual experience with cabs had been, so I was calling it a win.
The little tag hanging off the back of the driver’s seat showed Sam’s license and registration. His certifications combined with the list of rules and regulations printed next to it made me think his taxi medallion was a lot harder to come by down here than it had been on the surface. Hell ran a tight ship, it seemed.
None of those things were the reason for Jenna’s and my growing concern though. No, it was more that no we had left the glitz and glamor of the Hell Vegas strip a long time ago and found ourselves in the seedier part of town. Girls and guys of all variations, and I do mean all variations, stood along the streets showing off their wares, and while I had never been a fan of Japanese tentacle porn, I could tell from some of the lines outside several of the buildings, it was definitely a thing down here.
It was sort of like we’d stepped into the red light district to end all red light districts, but at the same time, there were so many thugs with automatic weapons around, it was sort of terrifying. I would not want to be a John when a hooker cried foul, that was for damned sure. Stil
l, it sort of irked me. I wasn’t sure what you had to do to become a hooker in Hell, but something about it seemed a touch off. In fact, all of Hell so far had seemed off.
“I told you. We’re going to Asmodai’s palace of flesh,” Sam said, pointing past the fuzzy orange dice hanging from the rearview mirror. A palace stood out in the distance, but it was still too far away to make out any of the details. A thick, gray haze clung to it, masking even more of the features so I couldn’t even tell how big it was. Still, if I had to guess, it was a huge sprawling manse because even from miles away, I could see peaks and spires jutting up from the fog for the entire expanse of the windshield.
“Yeah, okay,” Jenna swallowed hard, glanced down at her hands folded in her lap, and sighed. “I get that, but like what the fuck, man? There’s a dude with a tentacle for a dick, just letting it all hang out on the corner up there.”
“This is Hell, and Asmodai is the Prince of Lust.” Sam smirked. “You can get anything, and I do mean anything, you want down here, assuming you can pay for it.”
“How the fuck do you pay for it?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at the cabbie. I could believe the rest of it, that Asmodai had fashioned his portion of Vegas to be a den of iniquity, but at the same time, why were there so many people down here acting like, well, people?
After my visit to Beleth’s demesne in Hell, I was sure all the realms of Hell were different, but man, where was the sulfur and brimstone? The lake of fire? Where was Satan? Shouldn’t he have been skull-fucking Hitler and chewing on Judas?
“Two ways,” Sam said, a “stick with me kid” smile stretching across his face as he glanced at us in the rearview. “The first is obvious. You know that saying ‘you can’t take it with you?’ That’s a lie. You most certainly take it with you. When you die, your balance can and often does get moved to an account. There’s a finder’s fee and such because demonic bankers always get their cut. To be fair, they’re not a lot different from normal bankers.” He laughed to himself for a while, but when neither of us joined him, he cut himself off and continued. “So yeah, think of it like prison when you’ve got a huge bankroll. It’s why sometimes people die and you think there’s supposed to be this huge inheritance and then it just goes bye bye by the time the will is read.” He snorted. “Lawyers’ fees.”
“And the second way?” I asked, raising an eyebrow as I surveyed the people on corners. A huge number of them had the hollow-eyed look of someone who had been at this a long time. A long, long time.
“You get a job.” Sam tapped out a drumbeat I didn’t recognize on the steering wheel. “That’s how shit works.” He gestured around at the brothels. “When Satan was down here, it was a bit different, but now, well, you thought being a cubicle monkey topside was boring, oh man…” He smirked. “If you thought doing TPS reports until midnight every night, having your lover hate you, and coming home to find your dog shit on your carpet was bad, you have not worked in a Hellion call center, that’s for damned sure.”
“Sounds lame,” I muttered, wondering what a cubicle monkey down here would actually do, but then again, I didn’t want to know. I remembered Beleth having said she ran a sweatshop. Maybe instead of outsourcing to India, some people outsourced straight to Hell? I’d read about more than one CEO who’d be happy to give Hellions a job if it meant he could make another three cents a year on his bonus check.
“You might say it’s Hell.” Sam smirked. “Anyway, you won’t have to worry about that since we’re getting out of here.”
“Why did Satan leave?” Jenna asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I heard he went to LA and started a piano bar or something. Wanted to reinvent himself.” Sam shrugged. “He’s the devil. He gives literally zero fucks. I heard the angels tried to convince him to come back down here for awhile, but he was so suave and British, even they gave up.”
“Dude, you totally just stole that from the Lucifer comics by Mike Carey,” I said, meeting his eyes in the mirror. He smirked at me.
“Oh, you’ve read those? I’m a big fan.” Sam looked back toward the road. I wasn’t sure how, but it seemed like we’d crossed an incredible amount of distance in just the short while we’d been talking. A castle of flesh stood out in front of us less than a mile away.
It glistened in the light of the place, and while we were still too far away to make out all the details, I realized the spires were shaped like giant schlongs which seemed a tad bit overdone. Worse still, a line of cars stood near the entrance, inching toward a gate flanked by security in black vans.
“How are we going to get through that?” I asked, pointing to the security as Sam pulled in behind the last car in line. It was a black Lincoln, and from what little I could tell through the back window of the car, it was filled with a family of lizard people. “And what’s with the dinosaurs?”
“Dinosaurs are cool?” Sam offered, unbuckling his seatbelt, putting the car into park, and turning in his seat to look at us. “We’re going to get in through the front door.” He pointed at Jenna who was too busy staring out the window to notice. She looked lost in thought, and I’d have paid a lot of pennies to know what she was thinking.
“I’m pretty sure the security guards aren’t going to let us through.” I looked past Sam and stared at the big, burly guy coming toward us. Ogre might have been a better term. He reminded me of Clem in that he had the same long, apish arms and the mono-brow thing going on, only he was way, way bigger, covered in pustules, and had green skin. He wore a black sequined suit and a top hat so he looked like a fabulous nineteen twenties gangster.
Sam glanced over his shoulder and let out a sigh before rolling down the window. He held a wad of cash out the window. “Will that get us to the front of the line, Tommy?”
Tommy the ogre snatched the bills and shoved them in his pocket. Then he bent down so his face was near Sam’s. “Wave to the camera, Sammy.” Tommy pointed toward a camera suspended beside the gate.
Sam waved, and as he did, the earpiece in Tommy’s ear buzzed. He cocked his head like a deranged chicken while he listened. After a couple moments, he nodded once. “You can go through, but your friend has to stay in the car.” He glanced at Jenna. “The girl can go though.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Sam said as Tommy stood back and waved him around the line of cars. As we began to move, Sam rolled up the window, and before I could say anything, he added. “Not that we’re going to follow it.”
“I don’t think we should go in there,” Jenna said, breaking her weird trance and meeting my eyes. There was real fear in them, and that churned my gut. I’d seen Jenna scared before, but not like this. No, never like this. She’d faced down demons without breaking a sweat, but right now her lips were trembling and she kept glancing around like a mouse waiting for a cat to pounce.
“Why?” I asked, trying to ignore the fear swelling up inside me. As I’d said before, Jenna’s hunches were almost always right. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” She pulled her knees to her chest and didn’t say anymore as Sam maneuvered through the gate. Once we were past it, I found myself staring at a multilevel parking lot. I couldn’t even see the top of it, and a huge LED marquee the size of a movie theatre screen on the front of the entrance announced where empty floors and spaces were. That seemed mighty convenient.
As Sam drove into the structure, a sultry yet strangely friendly female voice reminded us to take note of our space to help us find our cars should we want to leave. It was followed by a laugh that rippled along my spine like a lover’s caress and made me react in a completely physical way. If the blush on Sam’s cheeks was any indication, it’d affected him the same way.
Jenna for the most part didn’t seem to have noticed, but that could be because she was wide-eyed and terrified. I reached out to try to comfort her, but before I could make contact, she pulled away.
“Don’t touch me,” she whispered, meeting my eyes as something monstrous swam through them. “Don’t touch anyone.”
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Panic twisted in my stomach. I didn’t have any idea why she didn’t want me to touch her or anyone, but part of me had the sudden urge to reach into her and try to pull out her fear by the roots. At the same time, I wasn’t sure how to do that. My cat demon might know, but she was still little more than a static hiss.
“Why not?” I asked, settling my hands on the demonic shotgun. I wasn’t sure if I’d get to take it inside, but just touching it made me feel a lot better. Man, how sad was that? Holding a gun made me feel better. Then again, it was a super-shotgun that belched fire and brimstone.
“Sweat,” Sam said before Jenna responded, but her nod confirmed it.
“Sweat?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that matter?”
“Sweat carries chemicals Asmodai can use to influence you in certain ways.” He gestured at his own crotch. “That’s his thing. Sweat and pheromones. Speaking of which.” He tossed me a tin of mints. “Suck on one of those at all times.”
“Um… why?” I asked, picking up the red tin and eyeing it carefully.
“Because if you’re eating a mint, maybe, just maybe, you won’t taste the air so much and turn into a randy bastard.” He eyed me up and down. “You’re alive. That will make you like candy to the people inside.” He smirked. “And yes, those are surface mints, not Hell mints.” He crossed his heart. “Cross my heart.”
“And what exactly do the mints protect us from?” I asked as he pulled into a spot between a white SUV with a whole family stenciled across the back and a lime green Dodge Viper.
“I’d tell you, but I really want you to see for yourself with no preconceived notions. After all, you only get to do things for the first time once.” He grinned at me, and it reminded me of a guy telling me we’d just have one drink and go home, even though there was literally zero chance of that happening.
Hellbound_An Urban Fantasy Novel Page 3