* * *
That night, I help Brice reinforce the cellar he goes into when he’s a berserker, so that it’s less likely he’ll get out again. Because Brice is concerned, I wait around outside, just to make sure he doesn’t break out. I know he said stupid things to me about killing him, but I refuse to do that.
I’m alarmed, because Brice is a berserker for nearly two hours. When he finally crawls out of his cellar, I ask him about it. He tells me that it’s getting worse. He stays a berserker for longer and longer these days, and no amount of benedetta magic does a thing to stop it. He doesn’t know what’s going on.
I know what this means. It means that Brice is on track to be a berserker full time. We’ve all heard enough about the virus to know that unchecked by benedetta magic, it takes over a person slowly but surely, until one day, that person never changes back to being human. Brice’s virus is behaving like an untreated one, even though he’s been diligent about doing the benedetta magic. It’s like the berserkers in the wards that Nonna told me about, the ones who don’t respond to spells at all. It probably means that Brice has the stronger strain of the virus that comes from Calabrese charms.
Why is my father so insistent that I keep using those charms? Does he know there’s a stronger berserker strain associated with them? What’s going on?
I tell Brice some of this. I leave out the part where my father insists I keep infecting people. Maybe I don’t want to face that myself.
“When I start to get really bad,” Brice says. “I want you to kill me. I don’t want to be taken to a ward or gunned down like a dog by the police. I want you to do it.”
“I’m not going to have to,” I say. “We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to make you okay.”
Brice just shrugs. “I might only have one show left. I’ve got an audition with a director for a big show. Commercial stuff in the city. I have to nail it. This could be my only chance.”
Brice’s acting dream is just like my dream of being the head of the family. I’ve achieved my dream, but Brice is still struggling. And it doesn’t seem fair that he’s running out of time, and there’s nothing we can do about it. But there has to be something. I won’t let him be completely eaten up by this virus.
I don’t even know what Brice and I are exactly, but I know I can’t lose him completely. “I’m going to find some way to stop the virus,” I tell him.
He puts his hand on my hand. “Olivia, if there was a way to stop it, the virus wouldn’t be a problem.”
His point is pretty clear. Why do I think I’ll be able to cure the berserker virus when people have been working to do just that since it appeared, and they haven’t been able to do it? What makes me think I could do better? I don’t say anything back. I don’t have a good reason. I just feel a kind of helpless rage, and if I don’t promise myself I’ll try to fix it, I’ll never be able to shake it.
I want to hold Brice. I want to kiss him again. But the mood is so somber now. I don’t know how to get from talking about Brice’s probable degeneration into a monster to kissing. Eventually, I just end up leaving.
I drive home feeling frustrated, confused, and scared. And I’m a little worried about myself too. Brice says there’s no way I could have caught the berserker virus from him. But what if I did? And what about last night? We were awfully close again. How is this thing spread? I know it takes a month for the virus to incubate. How long ago was the dugout? If I’m going to turn, will it be soon? And if I’m suffering from this same strong strain of the virus, how am I going to run the family and find a cure?
When I get home, I do some figuring. It will be exactly a month on Friday since Brice and I messed around the first time. I haven’t experienced any kind of symptoms, but I don’t know if I would, anyway.
I thought my life was complicated when I was trying to balance play performances with being jettatori. I had no idea how much worse it could get.
The Toil and Trouble Trilogy, Book One Page 34