* * *
It takes a little bit to get in to see my dad when I get there. Luckily, the Calabrese name is a feared name, so eventually it all gets sorted out, and I’m in the visiting room waiting for him. He doesn’t look particularly happy to see me when I show up. That’s fine. I’m not in great mood either.
I greet him with, “Why are you giving people jobs to do that I don’t even know about?”
His voice is low and even. “Listen to me, you can’t just show up here whenever you want to talk to me. There is a protocol in place for very good reasons. It’s dangerous for all of us if you break from them. So just smile at me, give me a hug, make small talk for about five minutes and then leave. If you want to pretend to cry because you miss me so much, that would be acceptable too.”
“No way, Dad. You can’t just keep me in the dark here. Either I’m running this family or I’m not. Now I need to know what you’re ordering Tommy to do on Friday. What could be so important that I can’t use him?”
My father smiles a nasty kind of smile. “I won’t be bullied or ordered around, Olivia. You should know me better than that.”
“I need to know what’s going on. Why is there some organization called the Calabrese Center picking up berserkers from a ward in the city? Why is it so important that I keep using the charms that turn people into unmanageable monsters? Why are you giving people jobs that are secret? What happened to my mother?” Suddenly it seems like I have nothing but unanswered questions.
My father surveys me coldly. “You disappoint me, Olivia. I had thought you were a loyal daughter. But this line of questioning makes me wonder exactly what it is you’re doing. Why are you subverting the family traditions and doing things differently? Do you have some kind of agenda?”
“How can I be loyal when I don’t know what I’m being loyal to?”
“How can loyalty mean anything if it’s contingent on finding answers to things best left alone for now?”
“Are you going to give me answers or not?”
He leans forward. “Never think that I can’t take all this away from you in one instant. If you aren’t working out for me in your current position, I can relieve you of it. Perhaps it’s too stressful for someone with your delicate sensibilities.”
Delicate? Is he saying that I’m too much of a girl to handle this? “There’s nothing delicate about me.”
“That’s odd, because right now, you remind me far too much of your mother for my comfort.”
I glare at him. “I thought you loved my mother.”
“I did. Until she turned on me. And once loyalty is gone, Olivia, love is strangled.”
“What did she know, Dad? What are you doing with those charms?”
“If you want me to become very angry,” he says in a calm voice, “by all means continue to ask these hysterical questions. Continue to be emotional. Continue to push. If you want me to strip everything away from you, then stay on the path you’re on.”
Maybe he means it. Maybe he will kick me out of the family entirely. That would mean I could never speak to any of them again. Never go to the deli and see Tommy. Never go to another wedding like Antonia’s. Lose my entire family. My father could see to it that that happened.
He must be able to see that I’m starting to hesitate. “Have you considered that there are good reasons for my not telling you everything?”
“It just seems like I should know. In my position, I need to be on top of everything that the family does.”
“In time, Olivia. In time. First, I must be absolutely sure of your loyalty.”
“When will you tell me?”
“When you need to know.” He sighs. “I can’t risk that you’ll do what your mother did to me. You’re my daughter as well, but there may be too much of her in you.”
That’s funny. Because people are always telling me I’m just like my dad. “You know I’m no rat. I couldn’t be.”
“They are different kinds of betrayal, but all are equally as serious. And traitors like your mother have to be dealt with.”
Dealt with? “I thought you said you didn’t know what happened to her. You did kill her, didn’t you? Why didn’t you bury her?”
My father smiles again. “In time, Olivia. In time.”
I shake my head. “What did you do to my mother?”
“I stopped her from ever betraying me again. I can make it impossible for you as well, if I learn that I can’t trust you.”
My father is threatening me. I don’t know what he’s threatening me with, but the tone of his voice is chilling. This isn’t the man who whirled me in the air when I was a little girl. This isn’t the man who told jokes at the dinner table. This is someone else, a man with bright cold eyes and wolfish grin. A man who doesn’t care about me. Not really. For all his talk of loyalty, I can’t imagine this man could be loyal to anyone but himself. And he’s done something to my mother. Something awful. I will find out what that thing is. Even if it means losing my entire family. Because I can’t be loyal to this man. I don’t even know who this man is. I only know that he’s frightening.
I can’t tip my hand, however, until I know more. If my father won’t tell me, I’ll find out. But while I’m finding out, he can’t know that I’ve lost respect for him. I close my eyes for a second, working hard to make my expression contrite. “I’m sorry, Dad. I guess I got carried away. Of course I’m loyal to you and the family. Of course I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me what’s going on. I’m sorry I came here. Sometimes, my anger gets the better of me.”
He eyes me for a moment. Then he grins. It’s as if his entire face has changed, like he’s put on his “dad” mask again. He looks completely different. “It’s okay, Olivia. Believe me, you get that fiery anger from me. You must learn to use it and not to let it use you.”
The Toil and Trouble Trilogy, Book One Page 36