Ruin

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “It goes well.” I sighed happily into the phone. “He’s perfect, I mean, it’s perfect. I feel good. Too good, almost like something bad has to happen or something, you know?”

  Gabe grew really quiet.

  “Gabe?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.” He cursed softly. “Just thinking. Look, I gotta go, but do yourself a favor? Don’t over-think things. Just enjoy having the richest twenty-one-year-old in the world at your beck and call, kiss him goodnight, and savor the moments you guys have together.”

  “Huh?”

  “You know…” Gabe cleared his throat. “Before school starts again.”

  “Oh right, next week, school. I almost forgot, thanks for bringing me some early Christmas cheer.”

  “I did work at the mall as an elf once.”

  “Pictures?”

  “All destroyed in a tragic fire that only ended up burning that one section of my room — odd really.” He laughed. “Now, go have fun, I’ll see you Monday okay?”

  “Fine!”

  “Oh, and don’t forget, you’re going shopping for a homecoming dress with Lisa. She’ll freak if you forget.”

  “Got it.”

  Wes walked into the room. I hung up the phone not even realizing I hadn’t said goodbye until it was too late.

  “Tattle tale.” I narrowed my eyes as Wes innocently lifted his hands into the air.

  “I thought you needed another cheerleader on your team, that’s all.” His face looked a bit sunken. Dark shadows were beginning to show beneath his eyes.

  “Are you feeling okay?” I asked, touching my hand to his forehead.

  “Sure.” His smile was tight.

  “Wes,” I warned. “Seriously?”

  He sighed. “Fine, I don’t feel one hundred percent, but the good news is we’re spending the rest of the afternoon watching movies and eating, and I have nakedness to look forward to later, so there is that to live for.”

  “So you’re basically only living for two things? Food and sex?”

  “Sounds about right, though I’m only living for food… living for sex just seems so—”

  “Like Gabe?” I offered.

  “Touché.” Wes grinned and looked at the floor, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets. “I’m not that guy anymore, Kiersten, you need to know that. Damn.” He licked his lips and gave me that sexy grin I was beginning to breathe for. “I wish I still was. Then maybe I wouldn’t be walking around the house in a constant state of arousal.”

  I felt my cheeks heat with embarrassment. With a desperate sigh he lifted my chin with his hand and kissed my lips briefly. “I like you a lot, you know that, right?”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, because really all I wanted to know was why he wasn’t that guy anymore. Furthermore, was there something wrong with me that made me defective? Why wouldn’t he want that with me? I mean, I wasn’t even sure I was ready, I just wanted to know I was desirable in that way, to him.

  “Don’t give me that look.” Wes sighed. “My self control isn’t all that saintly right now. In fact, I may have to lock you in your room tonight and throw away the key. It’s not for lack of wanting you.” He grabbed my hands and kissed the insides of my wrists. “It’s because I want you too much — I care way too damn much — so just accept the fact that it would be a bad sign if I threw you against the wall or the ground or the table. Hell, I’ve had that fantasy for days now. You by the turkey.” He winked and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “I want you, but it has to be right. And right now? It’s too new. Get it?”

  “Sure.” I lied, because I still hadn’t gotten over the shock of me and him on a table next to the turkey. Was he insane? Shaking my head, I laughed and followed him into the media room.

  “Parade.” He threw a pillow at my face.

  “Bring on Tom the Turkey.” I held up my hand for a high five, but instead of reciprocating, he pulled me in for a scorching kiss.

  “Kissing…” He sighed. “Better than a high five any day.”

  “And for once… Lamb agrees,” I teased.

  “Wolf is very pleased with Lamb’s understanding of his wisdom. Now sit before Wolf pounces.”

  “Sitting.”

  “So demure. I think I like being bossy.”

  “Keep being bossy and we’ll see how much you like being slapped by the demure little lamb.”

  “And pressing play,” Wes muttered.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  He had to go and ruin it — he had to mention Tye — he just couldn’t let well enough alone… Just once I want a normal holiday where we aren’t reminded of death knocking on every damn door in our house.

  Weston

  “I said I don’t want to talk about it,” I growled, trying to push past my dad. Why was he bringing this up now? Dinner had been incredible; Melda was so excited we didn’t fight at the table that she actually cried while clearing away the dishes.

  It was the first Thanksgiving we had where we actually finished eating without going at each others’ throats. After all, Tye had committed suicide Thanksgiving weekend.

  One year ago tomorrow to be exact.

  He’d said he had stuff to get done back on campus and drove the few miles it took to get there.

  The next day we were supposed to go shopping with Melda. She was a Black Friday fanatic.

  Tye was found in his room. A bottle of pills in his hand. The autopsy report came back with an insane amount of Xanax and alcohol in his system. He’d just stopped breathing. His diaphragm unable to lift his lungs enough for him to catch a breath.

  When the ambulance came, they had hoped they could save him.

  He died that night at the hospital.

  I hated hospitals.

  “Look at me when I talk to you.” My dad slammed his fist against the desk, tears welled in his eyes. “I can’t lose you too!”

  “I want to stay.”

  “Damn it, Wes!” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “One more game could kill you. You do realize that, don’t you?”

  “I gave her my word.”

  “She’s a girl!” Dad all but shouted. “She’ll get over it! How do you know she even likes you? Or likes anything about you other than your good looks and money? Of course she likes you now. You’ve given her everything girls dream of, but what about when she finds out about your sickness? What about when she discovers you aren’t on the football team anymore? What do you think will happen then? Will she stick around and hold your hand? Or go find one of your teammates to screw?”

  Never in my life had I wanted to punch my father so hard.

  “Don’t say that about her,” I fired back. “You don’t know her like I do.”

  “Young love.” My dad shook his head. “Don’t you get it, Wes? It’s not about her. I worry about you. I worry she’s going to break your heart. I worry, I worry, I worry. I can’t lose both sons.” His voice broke. “I’ve lost everything. It would kill me to lose you too. Your focus — it needs to be on getting better, not losing yourself in her. Have you even taken your meds today?”

  My last pill burned a hole the size of Texas in my pocket. I nodded jerkily and then shrugged. “I have my last pill for the weekend, and then I start the final set Monday.”

  Dad sighed. “Just, don’t let her get in the way of your progress, son. You need to live, I can’t—” His voice broke again.

  “You have to come to grips with something, Dad,” I said in a thick voice. “I may not live.”

  “No, don’t say that. I refuse to believe it. The doctors said—”

  “The doctors said there was a chance I’d be fine. The doctors also haven’t worked with this aggressive of a tumor before. It may be too late already. Okay? Just… don’t put all this pressure on me to live — when my reality may be the exact opposite. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll fight hard as hell to stay here as long as I can, but don’t burden me with guilt — if fighting still isn�
��t enough.”

  The room was blanketed in a tense silence. Then I saw my dad do something I hadn’t seen him do since Tye’s death. He fell into a heap on his chair and burst into tears. Shoulders shaking, the sobs coming from his mouth were heart-wrenching. My gut twisted as I made my way over to him and put my hands on his shoulders.

  He gripped my hands and continued to sob. “It isn’t fair.”

  “Cancer’s rarely fair,” I mumbled. “And we were never promised life would be fair.”

  “It should be.”

  “Dad.” My voice croaked. “Life isn’t fair, but living? Living is heaven. Living is a gift. Every gift is different — every path is different — for some reason this is ours, and the sooner we accept it, the sooner we can stop crying and start living.”

  “When did you get so smart?” He laughed through his tears.

  “All that damn therapy you made me go through — and sometimes, Dad, it takes going through hell to reach your heaven.” I looked at the door.

  “That bad huh?”

  “What?”

  “You like her that much?”

  “No.” I swallowed. “I love her.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Little by little I was beginning to live for his smiles, his touch, just anything. Heck, if he waved, my heart would still be doing somersaults.

  Kiersten

  “I can’t believe we’re doing this,” I grumbled, dropping my bathing suit bottoms to the ground and clenching my eyes shut. Brave. I needed to be brave.

  “I’m not stealing your virtue, so don’t worry about that.” Wes chuckled from the pool as he splashed around. “And I’m going to turn away while you slowly ascend the stairs. Though I’m not gonna lie, I have a very vivid imagination, so while you get into the pool I’ll be daydreaming.”

  “Not creepy,” I joked.

  “Not creepy at all. Beautiful, it’s damn beautiful.”

  “Huh?”

  “Sorry, started early,” he called. “Now hurry up!”

  “Shit.”

  “Aw, Lamb said a dirty word,” Wes teased. “Stepping out of your comfort zone makes you such a bad girl.”

  “Okay, I’m getting in.”

  “Turning.” I heard water splashing as I walked over to the edge and dropped my towel. The moon outlined Wes’s body perfectly. His sculpted back was what every single love song was talking about — his body was what leading men fought for. Beautiful, the water lapped around his waist. I looked lower. Fantastic. Well, the water wouldn’t be leaving a ton of things to the imagination if I was standing directly under the moon. Just to be safe, I walked along the edge of the pool and got in where the moon had cast a shadow. I wasn’t taking any chances that Wes would see me, not that I was ashamed of my body or anything. But yeah, it was a little much, being naked in a pool with another person. It could have been Lisa, and I would have still been freaked.

  The warm water felt good against my body. I was more nervous than before, everything seemed more alive, more sensitive. I slowly walked to where Wes was standing and hunched down so that the water was on my shoulders. Not only was I conquering my fear of being in the water again for the second time in one day, but I was wearing absolutely nothing.

  “How’s the birthday suit feel?” he asked without looking at me.

  “Weird.”

  “You’ll get used to it.” He shrugged and turned. I held my breath.

  “Why aren’t you breathing?”

  I exhaled.

  “You that scared still?” he asked, concern marring his features.

  “Of the water?” I looked around. “A bit. Of you? A lot.”

  “Want me to tell you embarrassing stories about myself so that there isn’t an ounce of attraction left between us? I mean, I’ll do it if I have to. I don’t want to but—”

  Laughing, I waited.

  “Fine. When I was ten I jumped off our roof and tried to fly. I landed in the pool, so it wasn’t that big of a deal and my dad saw the whole thing. My brother dared me to do it. He also dared me to eat a fly.”

  “Did you?”

  “What?”

  “Eat a fly?”

  “I ate two. He said the first one wasn’t big enough, so he picked out another.”

  “Wow.” I gripped his hand in mine, still feeling a little nervous. “Sounds like you were picked on a bit for being the older brother.”

  “A lot. I was picked on a lot, but I’d do it all again if—” His voice cracked. “If I could have one more chance to tell him I love him.”

  I released his hand and pressed my fingers against his back, rubbing back and forth, trying to offer him comfort even though I didn’t have the right words to say.

  “It’s why I wanted you to come… I mean, initially. You make me feel strong… Crazy, right? He killed himself on Black Friday — the day has double meaning for me. Sometimes I wonder if he did it on purpose. If he chose that day because it had the word black in it, or if he chose that day because it was my mom’s birthday, and she had already been dead in the ground for a few years. I’ll never know, I guess.”

  “Wow,” I breathed. “Black Friday sucks for you.”

  He laughed. “You could say that again. Granted, it’s not always on Black Friday, but the day he killed himself just happened to be that day, so regardless of if the actual date is off by a week or so — I still hate it.”

  “Thank you, for trusting me with all of this.” I pulled him in for a hug without even thinking. Our bodies may as well have erupted with heat the minute they touched. We fit. Every single part fit. I looked into his eyes and knew, this was the guy — he was the one I wanted to spend my every waking moment with. He was my forever.

  “Thank you for agreeing to come — and for being my girlfriend. I don’t feel like I deserve you — or that I deserve this.” Our fingers interlocked as he pulled me tighter against him. “Hell, I know I don’t deserve this.”

  “Life isn’t about deserving.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “Aren’t you the one always spouting all that wisdom?”

  He grinned.

  “If we wait until we’re deserving, we’re going to be waiting for a really long time.” I shrugged. “I’d rather appreciate the fact that I’ll never deserve anything — doesn’t make me a bad person, just makes me all the more thankful.”

  “Then that’s what I am,” Wes whispered. “I’m thankful for you. I thank God for you. Maybe He can see me after all.” He tilted his face toward the sky. “In this moment I can believe He cares.”

  “Why?”

  Wes looked down into my eyes. “Because He gave me you.”

  Breath hitched in my chest as Wes’s lips grazed my cheek and then my chin, nose, eyes, and finally my lips. “Favorite Thanksgiving ever.”

  I sighed against his mouth. “We’ll have to top it next year.”

  His grip tightened on my arms as he pushed me against the side of the pool, “Promise me.”

  “Promise you we’ll do better?”

  “Promise me that no matter what, you’ll make Thanksgiving next year better than this year.” His eyes were fierce, glowing in the moonlight. I wasn’t sure what caused the sudden attitude change.

  I nodded slowly. “Promise.”

  His grip loosened. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to go all crazy on you.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dunk you.”

  “Huh? You didn’t—”

  I pushed his head underwater and tried my best to get back to the shallow end by grabbing the side of the pool. I still wasn’t a strong enough swimmer to make it on my own. So close, and then his hands came around my waist. His fingertips accidently grazed my breasts.

  I froze.

  He seemed to stop breathing as he slowly turned me in his arms to face him. His hungry eyes devoured every inch of my body. I was halfway out of the water. Holy crap, what was I supposed to do?

  “If I didn’t want to go to he
aven so damn bad…” He smiled sadly and released me. “Let’s go watch a movie.”

  “No more skinny dipping?”

  “If we skinny dip any longer I can’t make good on my promises.” Wes cursed and looked away, swimming farther into the deep end.

  “Oh yeah?” I put my hands on my hips, kind of digging the fact that he was having trouble with control.

  “Yeah, like if you don’t get out of this damn pool in five seconds I’m going to take advantage of you against the wall and I’d hate for your first time to be over so quick.”

  I blushed. And then I hightailed it out of the pool feeling all kinds of embarrassed and excited.

  “Good choice!” He called after me as I grabbed my towel and went to change.

  ****

  I told myself it was ridiculous to have to spend the night in Wes’s arms in order to not have bad dreams, so I got ready for bed and promised myself I’d try to sleep by myself and not be such a baby.

  I was just piling the throw pillows into the corner when someone knocked on my door. With one last throw, the pillows were off and I made my way over to the door. I opened it just a crack and saw Wes, again shirtless and just in a pair of low pajama bottoms.

  “Lamb?” His head tilted almost like a predator.

  “Wolf,” I said dryly.

  “I thought you might be scared.” He cleared his throat and rocked on his feet. “So I’m here to offer my cuddling services.”

  “Are you?” I crossed my arms and laughed. “How noble.”

  “I thought so.” He looked down at the ground and leaned against the door frame. “Actually, I just wanted to spend the night with you… it’s close to midnight and I really… don’t want to wake up alone, not on Black Friday.”

  I opened the door wider and let him walk in.

  “Rules…” I cleared my throat. “You have to spoon.”

  “Let me out! Let me out!” He laughed and tried to make his way back to the door, but I stopped him and pushed against his chest.