“Do! Do, you ignoramus!” shouted the crab, as loudly as his little voice would carry. “Rile some other pool with your clumsy hoofs, and let your betters alone after this!”
Then the zebra trotted back to the forest, bearing the crab with him, and disappeared amid the gloom of the trees. And as it was now getting dark the travelers said good night to one another and went to bed.
Dorothy awoke just as the light was beginning to get strong next morning, and not caring to sleep any later she quietly got out of bed, dressed herself, and left the tent where Aunt Em was yet peacefully slumbering.
Outside she noticed Billina busily pecking around to secure bugs or other food for breakfast, but none of the men in the other tent seemed awake. So the little girl decided to take a walk in the woods and try to discover some path or road that they might follow when they again started upon their journey.
She had reached the edge of the forest when the Yellow Hen came fluttering along and asked where she was going.
“Just to take a walk, Billina; and maybe I’ll find some path,” said Dorothy.
“Then I’ll go along,” decided Billina, and scarcely had she spoken when Toto ran up and joined them.
Toto and the Yellow Hen had become quite friendly by this time, although at first they did not get along well together. Billina had been rather suspicious of dogs, and Toto had had an idea that it was every dog’s duty to chase a hen on sight. But Dorothy had talked to them and scolded them for not being agreeable to one another until they grew better acquainted and became friends.
I won’t say they loved each other dearly, but at least they had stopped quarreling and now managed to get on together very well.
The day was growing lighter every minute and driving the black shadows out of the forest; so Dorothy found it very pleasant walking under the trees. She went some distance in one direction, but not finding a path, presently turned in a different direction. There was no path here, either, although she advanced quite a way into the forest, winding here and there among the trees and peering through the bushes in an endeavor to find some beaten track.
“I think we’d better go back,” suggested the Yellow Hen, after a time. “The people will all be up by this time and breakfast will be ready.”
“Very well,” agreed Dorothy. “Let’s see--the camp must be over this way.”
She had probably made a mistake about that, for after they had gone far enough to have reached the camp they still found themselves in the thick of the woods. So the little girl stopped short and looked around her, and Toto glanced up into her face with his bright little eyes and wagged his tail as if he knew something was wrong. He couldn’t tell much about direction himself, because he had spent his time prowling among the bushes and running here and there; nor had Billina paid much attention to where they were going, being interested in picking bugs from the moss as they passed along. The Yellow Hen now turned one eye up toward the little girl and asked:
“Have you forgotten where the camp is, Dorothy?”
“Yes,” she admitted; “have you, Billina?”
“I didn’t try to remember,” returned Billina. “I’d no idea you would get lost, Dorothy.”
“It’s the thing we don’t expect, Billina, that usually happens,” observed the girl, thoughtfully. “But it’s no use standing here. Let’s go in that direction,” pointing a finger at random. “It may be we’ll get out of the forest over there.”
So on they went again, but this way the trees were closer together, and the vines were so tangled that often they tripped Dorothy up.
Suddenly a voice cried sharply:
“Halt!”
At first, Dorothy could see nothing, although she looked around very carefully. But Billina exclaimed:
“Well, I declare!”
“What is it?” asked the little girl: for Toto began barking at something, and following his gaze she discovered what it was.
A row of spoons had surrounded the three, and these spoons stood straight up on their handles and carried swords and muskets. Their faces were outlined in the polished bowls and they looked very stern and severe.
Dorothy laughed at the queer things.
“Who are you?” she asked.
“We’re the Spoon Brigade,” said one.
“In the service of his Majesty King Kleaver,” said another.
“And you are our prisoners,” said a third.
Dorothy sat down on an old stump and looked at them, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
“What would happen,” she inquired, “if I should set my dog on your Brigade?”
“He would die,” replied one of the spoons, sharply. “One shot from our deadly muskets would kill him, big as he is.”
“Don’t risk it, Dorothy,” advised the Yellow Hen. “Remember this is a fairy country, yet none of us three happens to be a fairy.”
Dorothy grew sober at this.
“P’raps you’re right, Billina,” she answered. “But how funny it is, to be captured by a lot of spoons!”
“I do not see anything very funny about it,” declared a spoon. “We’re the regular military brigade of the kingdom.”
“What kingdom?” she asked.
“Utensia,” said he.
“I never heard of it before,” asserted Dorothy. Then she added thoughtfully, “I don’t believe Ozma ever heard of Utensia, either. Tell me, are you not subjects of Ozma of Oz?”
“We have never heard of her,” retorted a spoon. “We are subjects of King Kleaver, and obey only his orders, which are to bring all prisoners to him as soon as they are captured. So step lively, my girl, and march with us, or we may be tempted to cut off a few of your toes with our swords.”
This threat made Dorothy laugh again. She did not believe she was in any danger; but here was a new and interesting adventure, so she was willing to be taken to Utensia that she might see what King Kleaver’s kingdom was like.
16. How Dorothy Visited Utensia
There must have been from six to eight dozen spoons in the Brigade, and they marched away in the shape of a hollow square, with Dorothy, Billina and Toto in the center of the square. Before they had gone very far Toto knocked over one of the spoons by wagging his tail, and then the Captain of the Spoons told the little dog to be more careful, or he would be punished. So Toto was careful, and the Spoon Brigade moved along with astonishing swiftness, while Dorothy really had to walk fast to keep up with it.
By and by they left the woods and entered a big clearing, in which was the Kingdom of Utensia.
Standing all around the clearing were a good many cookstoves, ranges and grills, of all sizes and shapes, and besides these there were several kitchen cabinets and cupboards and a few kitchen tables. These things were crowded with utensils of all sorts: frying pans, sauce pans, kettles, forks, knives, basting and soup spoons, nutmeg graters, sifters, colanders, meat saws, flat irons, rolling pins and many other things of a like nature.
When the Spoon Brigade appeared with the prisoners a wild shout arose and many of the utensils hopped off their stoves or their benches and ran crowding around Dorothy and the hen and the dog.
“Stand back!” cried the Captain, sternly, and he led his captives through the curious throng until they came before a big range that stood in the center of the clearing. Beside this range was a butcher block upon which lay a great cleaver with a keen edge. It rested upon the flat of its back, its legs were crossed and it was smoking a long pipe.
“Wake up, your Majesty,” said the Captain. “Here are prisoners.”
Hearing this, King Kleaver sat up and looked at Dorothy sharply.
“Gristle and fat!” he cried. “Where did this girl come from?”
“I found her in the forest and brought her here a prisoner,” replied the Captain.
“Why did you do that?” inquired the King, puffing his pipe lazily.
“To create some excitement,” the Captain answered. “It is so quiet here that we are all getting rusty for
want of amusement. For my part, I prefer to see stirring times.”
“Naturally,” returned the cleaver, with a nod. “I have always said, Captain, without a bit of irony, that you are a sterling officer and a solid citizen, bowled and polished to a degree. But what do you expect me to do with these prisoners?”
“That is for you to decide,” declared the Captain. “You are the King.”
“To be sure; to be sure,” muttered the cleaver, musingly. “As you say, we have had dull times since the steel and grindstone eloped and left us. Command my Counselors and the Royal Courtiers to attend me, as well as the High Priest and the Judge. We’ll then decide what can be done.”
The Captain saluted and retired and Dorothy sat down on an overturned kettle and asked:
“Have you anything to eat in your kingdom?”
“Here! Get up! Get off from me!” cried a faint voice, at which his Majesty the cleaver said:
“Excuse me, but you’re sitting on my friend the Ten-quart Kettle.”
Dorothy at once arose, and the kettle turned right side up and looked at her reproachfully.
“I’m a friend of the King, so no one dares sit on me,” said he.
“I’d prefer a chair, anyway,” she replied.
“Sit on that hearth,” commanded the King.
So Dorothy sat on the hearth-shelf of the big range, and the subjects of Utensia began to gather around in a large and inquisitive throng. Toto lay at Dorothy’s feet and Billina flew upon the range, which had no fire in it, and perched there as comfortably as she could.
When all the Counselors and Courtiers had assembled--and these seemed to include most of the inhabitants of the kingdom--the King rapped on the block for order and said:
“Friends and Fellow Utensils! Our worthy Commander of the Spoon Brigade, Captain Dipp, has captured the three prisoners you see before you and brought them here for--for--I don’t know what for. So I ask your advice how to act in this matter, and what fate I should mete out to these captives. Judge Sifter, stand on my right. It is your business to sift this affair to the bottom. High Priest Colender, stand on my left and see that no one testifies falsely in this matter.”
As these two officials took their places, Dorothy asked:
“Why is the colander the High Priest?”
“He’s the holiest thing we have in the kingdom,” replied King Kleaver.
“Except me,” said a sieve. “I’m the whole thing when it comes to holes.”
“What we need,” remarked the King, rebukingly, “is a wireless sieve. I must speak to Marconi about it. These old-fashioned sieves talk too much. Now, it is the duty of the King’s Counselors to counsel the King at all times of emergency, so I beg you to speak out and advise me what to do with these prisoners.”
“I demand that they be killed several times, until they are dead!” shouted a pepperbox, hopping around very excitedly.
“Compose yourself, Mr. Paprica,” advised the King. “Your remarks are piquant and highly-seasoned, but you need a scattering of commonsense. It is only necessary to kill a person once to make him dead; but I do not see that it is necessary to kill this little girl at all.”
“I don’t, either,” said Dorothy.
“Pardon me, but you are not expected to advise me in this matter,” replied King Kleaver.
“Why not?” asked Dorothy.
“You might be prejudiced in your own favor, and so mislead us,” he said. “Now then, good subjects, who speaks next?”
“I’d like to smooth this thing over, in some way,” said a flatiron, earnestly. “We are supposed to be useful to mankind, you know.”
“But the girl isn’t mankind! She’s womankind!” yelled a corkscrew.
“What do you know about it?” inquired the King.
“I’m a lawyer,” said the corkscrew, proudly. “I am accustomed to appear at the bar.”
“But you’re crooked,” retorted the King, “and that debars you. You may be a corking good lawyer, Mr. Popp, but I must ask you to withdraw your remarks.”
“Very well,” said the corkscrew, sadly; “I see I haven’t any pull at this court.”
“Permit me,” continued the flatiron, “to press my suit, your Majesty. I do not wish to gloss over any fault the prisoner may have committed, if such a fault exists; but we owe her some consideration, and that’s flat!”
“I’d like to hear from Prince Karver,” said the King.
At this a stately carvingknife stepped forward and bowed.
“The Captain was wrong to bring this girl here, and she was wrong to come,” he said. “But now that the foolish deed is done let us all prove our mettle and have a slashing good time.”
“That’s it! that’s it!” screamed a fat choppingknife. “We’ll make mincemeat of the girl and hash of the chicken and sausage of the dog!”
There was a shout of approval at this and the King had to rap again for order.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen!” he said, “your remarks are somewhat cutting and rather disjointed, as might be expected from such acute intellects. But you give me no reasons for your demands.”
“See here, Kleaver; you make me tired,” said a saucepan, strutting before the King very impudently. “You’re about the worst King that ever reigned in Utensia, and that’s saying a good deal. Why don’t you run things yourself, instead of asking everybody’s advice, like the big, clumsy idiot you are?”
The King sighed.
“I wish there wasn’t a saucepan in my kingdom,” he said. “You fellows are always stewing, over something, and every once in a while you slop over and make a mess of it. Go hang yourself, sir--by the handle--and don’t let me hear from you again.”
Dorothy was much shocked by the dreadful language the utensils employed, and she thought that they must have had very little proper training. So she said, addressing the King, who seemed very unfit to rule his turbulent subjects:
“I wish you’d decide my fate right away. I can’t stay here all day, trying to find out what you’re going to do with me.”
“This thing is becoming a regular broil, and it’s time I took part in it,” observed a big gridiron, coming forward.
“What I’d like to know,” said a can-opener, in a shrill voice, “is why the little girl came to our forest anyhow and why she intruded upon Captain Dipp--who ought to be called Dippy--and who she is, and where she came from, and where she is going, and why and wherefore and therefore and when.”
“I’m sorry to see, Sir Jabber,” remarked the King to the can-opener, “that you have such a prying disposition. As a matter of fact, all the things you mention are none of our business.”
Having said this the King relighted his pipe, which had gone out.
“Tell me, please, what IS our business?” inquired a potato-masher, winking at Dorothy somewhat impertinently. “I’m fond of little girls, myself, and it seems to me she has as much right to wander in the forest as we have.”
“Who accuses the little girl, anyway?” inquired a rolling-pin. “What has she done?”
“I don’t know,” said the King. “What has she done, Captain Dipp?”
“That’s the trouble, your Majesty. She hasn’t done anything,” replied the Captain.
“What do you want me to do?” asked Dorothy.
This question seemed to puzzle them all. Finally, a chafingdish, exclaimed irritably:
“If no one can throw any light on this subject you must excuse me if I go out.”
At this, a big kitchen fork pricked up its ears and said in a tiny voice:
“Let’s hear from Judge Sifter.”
“That’s proper,” returned the King.
So Judge Sifter turned around slowly several times and then said:
“We have nothing against the girl except the stove-hearth upon which she sits. Therefore I order her instantly discharged.”
“Discharged!” cried Dorothy. “Why, I never was discharged in my life, and I don’t intend to be. If it’s all the same to y
ou, I’ll resign.”
“It’s all the same,” declared the King. “You are free--you and your companions--and may go wherever you like.”
“Thank you,” said the little girl. “But haven’t you anything to eat in your kingdom? I’m hungry.”
“Go into the woods and pick blackberries,” advised the King, lying down upon his back again and preparing to go to sleep. “There isn’t a morsel to eat in all Utensia, that I know of.”
So Dorothy jumped up and said:
“Come on, Toto and Billina. If we can’t find the camp, we may find some blackberries.”
The utensils drew back and allowed them to pass without protest, although Captain Dipp marched the Spoon Brigade in close order after them until they had reached the edge of the clearing.
There the spoons halted; but Dorothy and her companions entered the forest again and began searching diligently for a way back to the camp, that they might rejoin their party.
17. How They Came to Bunbury
Wandering through the woods, without knowing where you are going or what adventure you are about to meet next, is not as pleasant as one might think. The woods are always beautiful and impressive, and if you are not worried or hungry you may enjoy them immensely; but Dorothy was worried and hungry that morning, so she paid little attention to the beauties of the forest, and hurried along as fast as she could go. She tried to keep in one direction and not circle around, but she was not at all sure that the direction she had chosen would lead her to the camp.
By and by, to her great joy, she came upon a path. It ran to the right and to the left, being lost in the trees in both directions, and just before her, upon a big oak, were fastened two signs, with arms pointing both ways. One sign read:
TAKE THE OTHER ROAD TO BUNBURY
and the second sign read:
Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 75