me coldly.
That’s why I fear when she is near
To turn and tell her boldly:
Chorus:
Dorothy
Is that what you think of Carrie Barry?
Dash.
That’s what I think of Dorothy Gale.
Dorothy
I don’t believe it.
Dash.
I’ll tell you why you must.
(Takes her hand as sound of hoofs is
heard, off stage, rapidly approaching.)
Dorothy
It’s a runaway.
Dash.
No, it’s General Riskitt.
(Bus. of Riskitt entering L.3. in manner of
a flying messenger.)
Riskitt
Report to his Majesty at once.
Dash.
For what service?
Riskitt
His Majesty is writing a temperance
poem and he’s stuck for a rhyme to
Saraparilla.
(Exits L.2.E.)
Dash.
(To Dorothy)
That’s what I get for hiring out as a Poet
Laureate. Excuse me till I find the rhyme.
(Exits L.2.)
Dorothy
Alone again. Well this is cheerful.
Nothing in sight to talk to but this
Scarecrow.
(Xes L.)
Well, as queer as he looks, I feel so
lonely I wish he were alive.
(COW enters and begins biting at
Scarecrow’s legs.)
Scarecrow
Help! Help!
(Dorothy screams.)
Good morning.
(Dorothy Xes up R.)
Is this your cow?
Dorothy
Yes-es.
Scarecrow
Well, if you don’t want me to lose a leg,
call him off.
(Dorothy motions to Cow and Cow exits
R.3.)
Thanks, awfully, for bringing me to life.
Isn’t this lovely weather for July?
Dorothy
The ring! Another wish wasted.
Scarecrow
Would you mind taking this golf ball out
of my ear?
(Dorothy goes to Scarecrow and looks for
golf ball.)
My ear is on the other side.
(Dorothy removes golf ball and throws it
down on stage.)
That makes me one down.
Dorothy
You seem well posted.
Scarecrow
If I wasn’t well posted I couldn’t stand up.
Dorothy
I mean, you know what’s in fashion.
Scarecrow
For a long time I’ve been just behind the
stile.
(Points to stile.)
Dorothy
Don’t you think you’re smart!
Scarecrow
I don’t think at all. I haven’t any brains.
Dorothy
No brains?
Scarecrow
(Tapping head)
There is nothing there but a handful of
excelsior covered with a dishrag. When
the farmer was filling me with straw
yesterday he said, “I guess I’ll shake
him”. When I saw the size of his hand I
knew it was on me. Then he jabbed this
pole into my back and said, “You’re
stuck”. That put me up in the air, where
I’ve been for the last twenty-four hours.
Dorothy
But you’re alive now, and how are you
going to earn your living without brains?
Scarecrow
I won’t be lonely. Will you help me
down?
Dorothy
Certainly.
Scarecrow
I’m getting a bad pain in my polar
regions, from lack of exercise.
Dorothy
(Helps him down from post. Bus.)
Can’t you walk?
Scarecrow
No. But I’ll take steps to learn.
(Walks awkwardly.)
Dorothy
Oh, - but you’re a loose character. What’s
you name?
Scarecrow
Haven’t any.
Dorothy
No name? But, you’ve a family of some
sort, haven’t you?
(COW enters.)
Scarecrow
Judging from what I’m stuffed with I am
related to Secretary Hay.
(Bus. with Cow.)
How about yourself? Who are you? -
where did you drop from? Where are you
going, and why do you go there? Tell me
all about it, while I see which way the
wind blows.
(Bus. with straws.)
Dorothy
My name is Dorothy, and I am one of the
Kansas Gales.
Scarecrow
That accounts for your breezy manner.
Dorothy
When I am at home I live in Kansas. Just
now I am lost, and I am going to the
Emerald City to ask the wonderful
Wizard of Oz to help me.
Scarecrow
What, to get back to Kansas? Dottie, why
trifle with your luck?
Dorothy
Behave. You are old enough to know
better.
Scarecrow
No, I’m not! I was just born, and it will be
three hundred and sixty-four days before
I have a birthday.
(Cows begins to nibble at Scarecrow’s
legs.)
Dorothy
How long do you think you’ll live?
Scarecrow
If I can escape that cow of yours, until
I’m used to stuff a summer boarder’s
mattress. Do you think the Wizard would
have a set of brains knocking around his
place that would fit me?
Dorothy
He might.
Scarecrow
If I thought he could fix me up I’d go with
you.
Dorothy
Come along. Even if he is out of your
size you’ll be no worse off than you are
now.
(Both start to go L.)
Scarecrow
We’re a nice looking couple. Suppose
we’re arrested for vagrancy?
Dorothy
You could give straw bail. Do you know,
I can hardly believe that you have no
brains? How careless the farmer was to
leave them out.
Scarecrow
Wasn’t he? I wouldn’t treat a dog that
way.
-
SCARECROW’S SONG -
Though I appear a handsome man,
I’m only stuffed with straw.
‘Tis difficult a man to plan without a
single flaw.
Though you may think my lovely head
A store of law contains
The farmer lack of skill displayed and
quite forgot my brains.
When brains are lacking in a head, it’s
usually the rule,
That wisdom from the man has fled and
he remains a fool.
So, though my charms are very great, as I
am well assured
I’ll never reach my full estate, ‘till brains I
have secured.
CHORUS:
A-las for the man who has little in his
noodle that he knows
He’s under a man, and is called a rattle
pate, wherever he goes.
He always does the very thing he never
ought to do
He st
umbles and he fumbles and is
aimless.
A lobster, is he, as anyone with half an
eye can see.
You can beat him sneer or jeer
for his wheels are out of gear
And it’s plain he’ll remain quite brainless.
(Exeunt.)
CHANGE TO
SCENE III:- The road through the
forest.
DASHEMOFF enters R.I. SIR WILEY
GYLE enters L.I. They enter backwards,
and collide near C.
Dash
Are you one of us?
Gyle
No. Are you?
Dash.
Would you like to join a revolution?
Gyle
That’s my specialty. I’m Sir Wiley Gyle,
at your services. Revolutions to order.
Kings dethroned while you wait.
Dash.
Then join our plot to put Pastoria II on
the throne again.
Gyle
(Xing R.)
What! has that fried oyster returned?
Dash.
(Indicating proclamation.)
There’s the Wizard’s proclamation against
him.
Gyle
(Glancing at proclamation.)
Help Pastoria? Not I. I’m next in line for
that throne, my boy.
Dash.
But how are you going to overthrow the
wizard?
Gyle
Ever since his balloon landed here the
people have been in dread of his magic,
and of him. He’s made ‘em think he has
unearthly powers. But, I’ll show ‘em!
(Xing L.)
Dash.
Going to expose him?
Gyle
Expose him, or blow him up.
Dash.
Blow him up - what with?
Gyle
(Showing a small bomb.)
One of the bargain-sale bombs. - If I can
ever get one to work.
Dash.
Anything the matter with that one?
Gyle
I’ll bet it’s no good. They had a bargain
sale of infernal machines and bombs at
one of our big stores last month; they’d
bought out the stock of an anarchist
factory. I got a hundred bombs for five
ninety-eight, -- and not one of the darned
things has worked yet.
Dash.
Won’t they take ‘em back?
Gyle
No. They won’t exchange bargains.
(Xing R.)
I’m sure this one is no good, too.
(Suddenly throws bomb on stage L. It
bounces off stage L.)
Dash.
(Frightened)
Don’t take a chance like that!
Gyle
Every time I throw one of those bombs at
the wizard I get arrested for playing
baseball in the streets.
Cynthia
(Enters, R.I. Xes to Gyle C.)
I beg your pardon. Could you direct me
to a small piece of toast?
Gyle
Toast?
Cynthia
Yes, toast. I am a sweet girl maniac, and
to-day it is my fancy that I am a poached
egg. If I could only find a piece of toast
I’d rest myself on it.
Dash.
(Aside to Gyle.)
I’ve heard a young man named Niccolo
was the cause of this.
Gyle
Jilted her?
Dash.
No. He was turned into somebody else by
a witch, and she can’t find him.
Cynthia
(Offering piccolo to Gyle.)
Prithee, play upon this.
Gyle
Listen, girl. Would you know your
Niccolo if you met him?
Cynthia
Ah, you’re not he, are you?
Gyle
No. But I think I can lead you to him.
Cynthia
Quickly, then.
Gyle
If Niccolo in his new form fails to
recognize you, would you still yearn for
him?
Cynthia
Aye! more than ever.
Gyle
Listen! your lost lover is here. The witch
has turned him into a wizard, - the wizard
of Oz, - and he rules the Emerald City.
Nobody knows it but me. The wizard
don’t know it. Go to him when no one is
about, and grab and gag him. And when
you have got him far away say to him
that Sir Wiley put you on.
(Xing L.)
Don’t forget -- Sir Wiley.
(Exits L.2.)
Cynthia
Ye Gods! My Nick a wizard! If he should
fail to recognize me, and turn me into a
sponge cake - what would be my finish? I
pray thee, come and plead the cause of
crime. A lady lunatic.
(Exits.)
Dash.
(Looking after her.)
Her reason lost because she lost her lover.
Would I go mad if I should lose my
Dorothy? Perhaps, because I already love
her madly. I know that, for I know what
love is.
-- “
THAT IS LOVE “ --
Dashemoff
And exit L.I.E.)
(Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT
R.I.)
Riskitt
Halt! Your precious monarch will make a
final speech before the campaign opens.
Pastoria
(Enters R.I. to Timothy)
Before this awful war begins I want you
to understand one thing. You are the
soldiers of a free and glorious country; if
you win victory you will be roasted. If
you are defeated you will be roasted also.
Timothy
We understand.
Pastoria
Then you may take my final photograph
for the illustrated papers.
(Poses. Riskitt points camera at him. Lion
is heard roaring off stage L.I. Everybody
shows alarm.)
Riskitt
What is it?
Pastoria
It sounds like dinner time in a menagerie.
(Roaring sounds closer)
(Riskitt and Timothy rush off R.I.)
Come back! Come back! you cowards --
come back!
(Lions enters. Bus.)
(Pastoria turns, sees him. Bus.
frightened. Hides behind camera. Lion
sees camera. Pauses.)
Lie down, Bruno. Nice lion, good lion,
sweet lion, dandelion, lie down.
(Etc. ad lib. and Bus. Both.)
(Lion sits up on haunches. Poses.)
Very well then, sit up, if you prefer.
(Bus.)
Do you mean that you want your picture
taken?
(Lion nods.)
Something nice for the family album?
(Lion nods.)
Well, you can have an appointment next
Wednesday afternoon.
(Starts away. Bus. lion angry.)
Or, right away, if you prefer it.
(Lion resumes pose.)
Now look pleasant, please.
(Lion shakes head.)
How am I going to make that beast look
pleasant? Shall I tell him to watch for the
little birdie? No, I have it.
(To Lion.)
Look for the nice little fat boy.
(Lion turns head quickly toward
&n
bsp; Pastoria.)
No, no! Not here. Right out there.
(Bus. Lion looking into audience.)
That’s it. Don’t move.
(Lion slaps at mosquito on jaw.)
Mosquitos, bothering you? Yes, there are
more than usual this summer. ‘Round the
corner, in the next jungle there aren’t any.
(Bus. Lion displeased.)
Now ready, again. Steady!
(Bus.)
That will be all, thank you. How do you
like your photos done, - plenty of gloss,
or domestic finish?
(Lion nods.)
All right. We’ll do them both ways. You
needn’t call for the proof, I’ll send them.
(Bus. Lion waving paw. Knocks camera
over, etc, Bus. ad lib and exit Lion R.I.
Pastoria collapsed, and prostrate R.I.
Riskitt enters, cautiously R. behind the
leg of drop. Bus. as they discover and
startle each other.)
Riskitt
Is your Majesty alone?
Pastoria
Where is my army?
Riskitt
He’s in the top of the tallest tree, and he
won’t come down.
Pastoria
Have they deserted my banner so soon?
Riskitt
Yes. Here’s a notice just sent from police
headquarters in the Emerald City.
(Hands notice to Pastoria.)
Pastoria
(Reading)
“To our beloved police: Wanted, for
treason, a small creature with slate pencil
legs, an eye like a halibut, and a face like
a cold flaxseed poultice, calling itself
Pastoria II.” After that description how
can I escape?
Riskitt
We’ll both need disguises.
Pastoria
And the sooner we get them the better.
See to it at once.
(Exit Riskitt.)
Tryxie
(Enter L.I.)
I am so hungry I could eat a fifty cent
table d’hote and think it was food.
Pastoria
Alas! that I should have chosen for a
Queen one whose appetite is so stenuous.
Tryxie
Pasty, when you invited me to become
your Queen did you think I lived on air?
Pastoria
I saw only your face - your lovely face.
Tryxie
Yes; but even the loveliest face has to be
fed.
Pastoria
Another fond delusion shattered. Now I
know that woman is but a hollow
mockery. Come, let us on to my
kingdom.
(Exit Pastoria and Tryxie, L.I.)
(Dorothy and Scarecrow enter R.I.)
Dorothy
Come along, I’ll help you get a position.
Now, what field have you been in?
Scarecrow
All of them. I began in the pasture lot,
and was moved up to the potato patch.
Dorothy
Do you know beans?
Scarecrow
I should say I do. A bean vine grew up
my right leg once.
(Dorothy sits on ground and begins to eat
cakes from basket.)
What are you doing?
Dorothy
Eating.
Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 882