We haven’t been told.
Sentry
That’s it.
Tin-man
What’s it?
Sentry
You’re it.
Scarecrow
I’ve got it. This is a toll bridge and we
can’t go over until we’ve been told.
Tin-man
(Sadly)
Oh!
Scarecrow
‘Tis a merry jest, but I see no change in
you.
Tin-man
You see no change in me, because I’m
broke.
(Xing to Sentry)
What’s the toll?
Sentry
One fong.
Scarecrow
One fong? This must be Chinese money.
(Tin-man Xes to c. Scarecrow Xes to
Sentry)
Do you charge for anybody under five.
Sentry
No.
Scarecrow
That fixes me. I’m just nine days’ old.
Sentry
Nine days?
Scarecrow
Yes, but I’m large for my age. You may
not believe it, but I was born just nine
days ago.
Sentry
(With evident suspicious)
That don’t go. And neither do you.
Tin-man
Can’t you trust us for two measly fongs?
Sentry
Not unless you leave your auto for
security.
Tin-man
I haven’t got one.
Sentry
Haven’t got an auto, with that hat?
Tin-man
Oh, every man who wears a sailor cap
don’t own a yacht.
(Rejoins Scarecrow)
Sentry
(Goes C. to them)
What are you fellers, anyway?
Scarecrow
MUST you know?
Sentry
Yes; or I’m likely to arrest you.
Scarecrow
I’m a smoke inspector in a painless dental
parlor.
Tin-man
And I’m a switchman in a ladies’ hair
emporium.
Sentry
(Distrustfully)
You don’t seem to be telling the truth.
(Goes back to bridge)
Tin-man
(Aside to Scarecrow)
If I could find Little Dottie and the others
they might help us.
Scarecrow
Take a look for them.
(Pushes Tin-man R.)
I’ll wait for you here.
(Tin-man exits E. Scarecrow motions to
him after he is off. Girls turn down stage)
1st Cook
Better leave these runaway prisoners to
the police and spend OUR time getting
places.
Waitress
Shall we advertise first? Here are our ads,
all ready for the want columns.
Scarecrow
(Aside R.)
Here’s a chance to turn the toll.
(Slapping forehead)
This is where my brains come in.
(Aloud, advancing C.)
Excuse me, ladies, but why advertise?
2nd Cook
We all need positions.
1st cook
Here are the ads we are going to publish.
(Hands paper to Scarecrow)
Scarecrow
I know, you want everything - except
work.
Waitress
You must have kept an agency.
Scarecrow
Right!
(Reads)
“A young German girl would like to give
Russian lessons to a Swedish deaf mute
in a refined Italian family.”
(Reads)
“A neat and willing girl would like a
position as a laundress in a family where
the washing is sent out.”
(Reads)
“A refined brunette will give good advice
in exchange for a happy home.”
(Reads)
“An epileptic French dressmaker would
like employment. Fits guaranteed.”
(Reads)
“A tired blonde will teach the rest cure to
a wealthy aged couple. No objection to
being adopted.”
(Reads)
“An experienced worker would like to
work an inexperienced young married
couple.”
1st Cook
Don’t know of a few families who want
girls like these?
Scarecrow
I don’t know of any that WANT them, but
a good many may have to have them.
1st Cook
But you can surely place a first class cook
like me.
Scarecrow
What’s your specialty?
1st Cook
My pies are something to be
remembered.
Scarecrow
Some pies can never be forgotten. I’ll tell
you about one.
THE TRAVELLER AND THE PIE.
(Scarecrow and girls)
One day a weary traveller walked down a
village street,
Did he? I think he did.
He thought he stop and ask a lady for a
bite to eat.
Did he? I think he did.
He knocked upon a door and said in
accents so polite,
I’m very hungry and I hope you’ll let me
have a bite,
Oh, you shall have my pie the young wife
answered in delight.
Did she? I think she did.
Chorus.
Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,
The hungry luckless traveller
He took one little bite and next minute
took to flight
Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
II.
A travelling man once told his wife he on
the road must go.
Did he? I think he did.
And then he stayed in town and took a
lady to the show.
Did he? I think he did.
He did it out of charity,
His heart was very kind
But when the usher showed his seat
He was surprised to find
His wife, with another chap,
Was seated just behind.
Was she? Oh, joy!
Chorus.
Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,
The hungry luckless traveller,
She murmered “You’re untrue”
But he answered “So are you.”
Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
(At end of song girls exit)
Scarecrow
There! They’ve gone and I’m still shy the
toll.
(Tin-man enters R.)
Find anybody?
Tin-man
No. Didn’t find anything but a book.
(Shows book)
Scarecrow
What is the book?
Tin-man
“A Happy Home”. In six parts.
Scarecrow
Who broke it up?
Tin-man
What’s a happy home got to do with a
flat?
Tin-man
The woman who owns this book can find
out anything she wants to know.
(Officer enters with Sentry who points to
both. Officer watches them suspiciously)
Scarecrow
I’d hate to be her husband.
Tin-man
(Turning leaves)
For example - Chapter 9 - how to fry
eggs. Chapter 12, The married woman’
s
pocket book.
Scarecrow
There’s nothing in it. Go on.
Tin-man
Chapter 14. How to make ice water last.
Scarecrow
That’s easy. Make everything else first.
Brains.
Tin-man
Chapter 20. What to do when Baby
swallows an alarm clock.
Scarecrow
(Takes book)
I might try to sell it for enough to pay this
toll.
(Turns L.)
Officer
Who are you?
Scarecrow
We are book agents. I have here a book
that no hungry man should be without.
Officer
No hungry man?
Tin-man
It has four plates and a canvas back.
Officer
I think you’re two of the rebels names in
that proclamation.
(Pointing to proclamation)
Tin-man
Not at all.
Officer
You tell your story with a straight front.
Scarecrow
A straight front? Excuse me, my figure is
all my own.
Officer
I’ll arrest you both on suspicion.
(To Soldiers)
Take them in.
(Soldiers step to each side of Scarecrow
and Tin-man)
Tin-man
This is all a mistake.
Officer
To the cage with them.
(Scarecrow is marched to steps of cage
with Tin-man)
Scarecrow
(Struggling)
Get me a handwriting expert; he can
prove by my signature that I’m somebody
else, and that I died last year.
(They are put into cage or guardhouse.
Sentry and soliders exit C. Officer
remains.)
Tin-man
I say, this is wrong. We are not poll
parrots.
Scarecrow
If I was a swearing man I’d say, “Dash it
all; we’re up in the air!”
Tin-man
What a glorious chance to study the
language of the birds and monkeys.
Officer
It’s certain we’ve caught two of the rebels.
The others are not far off. Let no one pass
that bridge.
(Jingling of chains as drawbridge is let
down. Enter Sentry and a file of soldiers,
escorting The Wizard and Sir Wiley, who
are dressed as convicts with ball and
chain at ankles. Pastoria follows them
dressed in royal purple robes, but with
plasters across his face and one black
eye)
Pastoria
Halt! Let me enjoy their misery a
moment longer.
(To Wizard and Sir Wiley)
My, but you look good.
Wizard
If I wasn’t a stickler for the truth I’d say
“Ditto.”
Pastoria
(To Officer)
Have any of the other escaped prisoners
been captured?
Officer
(Pointing to cage)
We’ve got the What-was-it, and the
What-is-it in the cage.
Pastoria
(Going to cage)
Good! My joy increases.
Scarecrow
Isn’t he easily pleased?
(Pastoria returns to the Wizard)
Pastoria
So you’re a wizard, eh? Come, - let me
show you a trick. How to make the dust
fly. Ha, ha, ha, give them brooms, men.
Give them brooms, and let them perform
the trick.
(Soldiers bring street brooms for Wizard
and Sir Wiley Gyle)
Gyle
(Throwing down broom)
I’m no housemaid. I don’t want your
broom!
Pastoria
Pick that up, or I’ll have you flogged.
Pick it up, Sir Wiley, pick it up! Pick it
up!
(Gyle picks up broom reluctantly)
Wizard
Of the two evils he chooses the broom.
Pastoria
My, my but you look funny. Ha, ha, ha.
(Enter Tryxie in riding habit)
Tryxie
Why so merry, dear Pasty?
Pastoria
Look at my new street cleaning gang. Ha,
ha, ha, Aren’t they a sight for sore eyes?
Tryxie
I hate to see that old chap punished.
Pastoria
Why?
Tryxie
Because he gave me the best laugh of my
life. It was he Pasty dear, it was he that---
(Laughs)
Oh, my, that nailed up the bottom of the
Wizard’s basket just before you got in it.
(Sir Wiley laughs.)
Pastoria
Bruno take that laughing hyena away. Put
him to work on the sewer.
(Soldiers exit across bridge with Sir
Wiley and the Wizard. They carry the
brooms on their shoulders)
Soldier
Right face - forward - march!
(Scarecrow and Tin-man wave their
hands from cage to them as they exit and
exit Officer)
Tryxie
And now, Pasty, my boy.
Pastoria
Please cut the word “Pasty” out of your
vocabulary. Remember if you please, that
I am a King. His Majesty, Pastoria Rex.
Tryxie
(Xing L.)
That’s all right for laying stones and
opening expositions. But none of “Your
Majesty” in mine, Pasty.
Pastoria
And don’t you want to be a queen?
Tryxie
Pasty, you were one of the sweetest
motormen I ever knew, but as a King you
won’t do at all.
(Xes R.C.)
Pastoria
Why not?
Tryxie
Your blue blood gives me the blues. For
my part, I don’t even know who my
grandfather was, so I’ve nothing to be
ashamed of.
Pastoria
Tryxie, if you desert me now my life will
be as empty as a Summer resort at
Christmas.
Tryxie
Can’t help it. I’m not crochetting any
worsted ties for you just now.
Pastoria
Won’t you kiss and make up?
Tryxie
No.
Pastoria
Then don’t kiss, just make up. You do that
so well.
Tryxie
(Stamping her foot)
Brute!
Pastoria
To me, your King? Very well, we part
here. I’ll go back to my throne, and you
can go back to your dairy kitchen, once
more a biscuit shooter - and you might
have been a queen.
Tryxie
That’s nothing. If I had stayed at home I
might have been head waitress at a lunch
counter by this time.
(Exits R.1.)
Tin-man
My, but isn’t she sassy! I’ll bet she’s a
regular Must You.
2nd Waitress
For Goodness sake, what’s a Must you?
Tin-man
I’m afraid to tell you, you might get the
habit.
2nd Waitress
We’ll try
not to.
Tin-man
Well here’s a yarn about one.
MUST YOU?
Tin-man AND GIRL -
(Exit Girls)
(Enter Dashemoff and Dorothy R.2.)
Dash.
Here we are at last. See, there’s the
drawbridge. This is the frontier of
Pastoria’s dominion. Once over that
bridge and we’ll be free from him, and in
another day we’ll be safe in the land of
Galinda, the Good.
Dorothy
See, a big reward is offered for our
capture. Pastoria is doing his best to get
us again.
Dash.
They’ve caught Oz and Wiley Gyle and
they’re working on the street-cleaning
chain gang. But come on, it’s dangerous
to linger.
Dorothy
I wish we could find our old friends the
Scarecrow and the Tin-man and take
them with us.
Scarecrow
(At window in cage)
Hi there somebody. I can’t sleep in this
room. The mice are stealing my filling.
Dash.
The Scarecrow!
Dorothy
(Below window)
What are you doing in there?
Tin-man
You can’t do anything in here but time.
Dash.
(To Dor.)
And the Tin-man! Here’s a fix.
Dorothy
We can’t go away and leave them in
prison.
Scarecrow
I’d like to put myself out to help you.
Dash.
Don’t worry. We’ll stand by you.
Dor.
How were you taken?
Scarecrow
After being well shaken.
Dor.
I’m awfully sorry. If we can’t get you out
we’ll stay here and go back to Oz with
you.
Tin-man
Ah, Dottie that touches my heart. If Sir
Daily hadn’t spoken first I’d fall dead in
love with you.
Dash.
If we’re to attempt a rescue let’s get at it.
Tin-man
We can set the Scarecrow free to begin
with.
Scarecrow
But, you ---
Tin-man
Oh, never mind about me. Dottie, if you
have a pair of scissors with you send ‘em
up on the elevator.
Dor.
(Looking in reticule)
Scissors? Yes, here they are.
Tin-man
Here’s a paper of pins, and a needle and
thread.
(Drops them from window)
Dor.
What have these to do with setting the
Scarecrow free?
Tin-man
I’m going to cut him to pieces and pass
him through these bars.
Dor.
Can he stand it?
Scarecrow
Wouldn’t think any more of it than a cold
in my head. He can drop my pieces out of
the window - you hide them in that wash
basket and carry ‘em off and pin ‘em
together again.
Dor.
But won’t that be seriously fatal?
Scarecrow
Not unless you lose some of me.
Tin-man
He ought to be done over like a mattress
Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 886