The blow fell at last: “I am marrying, Bess,
Wish me good fortune, old chum.”
“I do, Tom, I do,” as she chokes back a sob,
Tries to smile, but her dimples are dumb.
The castle she’d lived-in for years was a ruin,
But in ignorance Tom, then, departs,
And she joins, brave and silent, that numberless host:
The Army of Broken Hearts.
Chorus:
The Army of Broken Hearts,
The Army of Broken Hearts --
Of women who’ve heard Hope’s last call,
Who loving once have loved their all;
Who counted not nor cared the cost,
Whose world went dark when Love had lost:
The Army of Broken Hearts.
A man of the world once — a cynic who sees
A comedy in women’s tears —
Laid siege ‘gainst the heart of a beautiful girl,
Youthful in wisdom and years.
The man whispered subtly his words to the maid,
And swore that he loved her alone:
Beguiled her with rapturous phrases intense,
And promised his name for her own.
A month or two later the reckoning came:
All haggard and pale, drawn in face,
The girl wept and pleaded, the man was of stone,
And laughed at plight and disgrace.
Unblamed by the world he then went on his way,
But wounded by Conscience’s darts
The girl struggles on, just another recruit
To the Army of Broken Hearts.
RAM: — I am going to the palace with the other princesses, and, if necessary make King Midas think I’m rich, and after he marries me he will love me and forgive me. Then I will help him manage the affairs of his kingdom so that he can pay his debts to Sparta.
SPLIN: He needs a business manager, all right, but I’m afraid a woman won’t do.
RAM: — But I can help him! I can, and I’m going to!
SPLIN: But he’s not the sort of husband you want, after all.
RAM: — He’s handsome —
SPLIN: Yes — handsome enough to give Apollo a hemorrhage and make Adonis cry himself to death with envy —
RAM: Yes, and he’s good —
SPLIN: Kings don’t have to be good —
RAM: — And I know he will be kind —
SPLIN: (Shaking his head) No — no — He looks upon the wine while it is red entirely too often. In fact, I may say that he’s the original wine agent’s delight.
RAM: — But he must be under the evil influence of some person —
SPLIN: (Chuckling) Old Silenus — both of them are drunk all of the time. Silenus drinks because he likes it, and Midas drinks so as to forget his mother-in-law —
RAM: — (Surprised) Mother-in-law?
SPLIN: Yes — one left over from his first offense. Midas’ father, the old King, made him marry when he was eight years old. The King needed Midas’ child-wife’s dowery. But she died with the measles within a month, and Midas forgot all about it until Raspina, his mother-in-law, turned up at the Palace last year. He hasn’t been sober since then.
RAM: — I don’t care — I’ll reform him and banish her.
SPLIN; You are not the first woman who tried marrying a man to reform him. But usually it is a case of back to home and mother — with half a dozen little coupons clipped off the bond of matrimony tagging along behind —
Sounds of music on the Pipes is heard off-stage at the Left, accompanied by shouts of satiric laughter. Both
Splinter and Ramona are frightened.
RAM: What is it?
SPLIN: It’s Pan, the God of Mischief, and his Satyrs — they are in search of some mortal to make sport of.
RAM: — (Frightened) Let’s run away — oh —
SPLIN: I’ve got the rheumatism and can’t run! Oh, what shall I do? What shall I do?
RAM: — Climb a tree, why don’t you, and hide in the leaves?
SPLIN: Up a tree for Splinter! (Splinter runs to the set tree opposite L 2 E and begins laboriously to climb it; the sound of music and laughter grows louder; Ramona looks about for a moment, frightened, then starts to run up glade toward C.
RAM: — (Running away) Goodbye, Splinter!
EXIT RAMONA through glade at C, as PAN and the SATYRS ENTER R 2 and 3 E. Splinter conceals himself in the foliage of the tree. Pan is playing on his Pipes, and the Satyrs are laughing hilariously, and caper about the stage. Pan notices the fallen log and Splinter’s axe.
PAN: — (Indignant) Some mortal has invaded our haunt! If I could find him I’d turn him into a monkey! (Splinter groans frightened; Pan continues his playing and the
Satyrs dance. A Satyr in dancing by Pan accidentally touches his Pipes).
PAN: — (Reproving Satyr) I told you not to hit the pipe!
SPLIN: (Aside) Rotten joke!
WOOD’S: Joke! Haw! Haw!
SPLIN: Oh--ow--oh!
ENTER APOLLO and NYMPHS at L 2 and 3 E.
AP: — (Disgusted and angry) Cease such discordant sounds in this beautiful forest!
PAN: — Discordant? (sarcastic) Whoareyou? (The Satyrs laugh satirically and grimace at the Nymphs, who regard them scornfully).
AP: — I, Apollo, command it!
PAN: — (Sarcastic) Well — I like that, Polly!
AP: — (Enraged) Don’t call me Polly! (The Satyrs laugh and the Nymphs gather protectingly about Apollo).
PAN: — Angel-child, then —
AP: — (Outraged) Address me with the dignity due a God, or I will report you to the Council of Olympus!
PAN: Aw, hire a glade, why don’t you, and start a concert of your own —
AP: — Insulter!
PAN: — I’ll bet my wooden-leg against a half-grown weinerwurst that I’ll outdraw you at the box-office!
AP: — With my Lyre I’ll put your Pipes to shame!
PAN: — Never in a thousand years--my Pipes make the only music!
AP: — (Scornfully) Music? Ha! Your Pipes sound like the squealing of hungry pigs!
PAN: — And your Lyre sounds like the whine of an orphan mosquito with the cholera infantum!
AP: — (Fiercely) How dare you!
NYMPHS: Shame! Shame!
SATYRS: Meow!
PAN: — Look here, Mister Artist Model: I think your music is only fit for funeral marches — mine is the music for the live ones —
AP: — Absurd!
PAN: — Well, suppose we capture a mortal and let him judge as to which one can deliver the real musical article?
AP: — (Enthusiastic) Agreed! A mortal shall decide!
NYM&SAT: A mortal shall decide!
WOOD: (On tree R 2 E) Let Splinter decide!
SPLIN: Oh--ow--oh! Oh, Lord no!
AP: — (Singing) I am the great musician —
PAN: — (Singing) Not on your life, old man!
AP: — My Lyre’s the only instrument,
PAN: — Not so — the Pipes O’ Pan!
AP: — Your Pipes are most discordant,
PAN: — Your Lyre is on the bum!
AP: — Your Satyrs are too noisy!
PAN: — Your Nymphs are far from dumb!
AP & PAN: (Singing)
Instead of disagreeing, though,
We’ll let our quarrel rest,
And leave it for some mortal
To say which is the best!
AP: — (To Pan) You search for a mortal in the forest yonder
(indicating off R) and I will search in this direction —
(indicating off L)
PAN: — Right you are!
EXIT PAN and SATYRS at R 2 and 3 E; EXIT also
APOLLO and NYMPHS at L 2 and 3 E. All are in good humor, laughing.
SPLIN: (Peering out of tree) Splinter, Splinter, here’s where you execute an elaborately planned escape--
WOOD: (On tree R 2 E) Hit the grit, Splinter!
SPL
IN: Oh--ow--oh! (Descends tree awkwardly) Voices of approaching revellers are heard in the direction of glade at C. ENTER MIDAS and SILENUS at C, each supporting the other. Both seem to be in a partial state of intoxication, and are somewhat boisterous, Midas the more. Silenus carries, by means of a strap around his neck, a wine-skin, the size of a small goat. The skin is very inflated. A hollow tube is attached to the skin. Splinter sees them and is frightened.
SPLIN: Oh, Lord — more of them! (begins to re-climb the tree, and again conceals himself in the foliage.
WOOD’S: Haw! Haw!
SPLIN: Oh--ow--oh!
As Midas and Silenus come down, arm in arm, they sing the Drinking Song:
“I’VE NEVER HAD ENOUGH.”
MID & SIL: (Singing)
Don’t talk to me of temperance,
It won’t do any good:
For I believe in drinking just
As every boozer should!
The trickle of the liquid
As it leaps into the glass
Is the only sort of music, now,
That’s got a bit of class!
It don’t make any difference
The kind of booze it is:
If whiskey, wine or brandy,
A foamy stein or phizz;
A cock-tail or a high-ball —
I’ll not get in a huff —
I’ll drink it down and yell for more:
I’ve never had enough!
Chorus:
I’ve never had enough, I’ve never had enough!
I drink it by the barrel, but I’ve never had enough!
Get busy. Mister Waiter, bring on the liquid stuff,
Or I will fight
Because tonight
I’m going to get enough!
MID: — (Laughing) Ha! Ha! Silenus, you never will get enough!
SIL: — (Gravely) Wine does not affect me, sic, in the slightest degree, Your Highness. (Midas laughs; he seems to have a jolly jag, while Silenus’ intoxication tends toward gravity).
MID: — Not in the slightest degree, but in the greatest!
SIL: — Sic, not at all! But I fear Your Majesty has had a, sic, sufficiency. As your tutor, sic, and the one accountable for your moral welfare, I think it advisable for me to drink, sic, the balance of the wine in the skin in order to save you, sic, from the horrible temptation of, sic, intemperance.
MID: — It isn’t desire, Silenus, that makes me drink. It’s Raspina, my mother-in-law. I dreamed last night that she was drowned in a hogshead of wine.
SIL: — Oh, it would be a fearful crime to spoil, sic, so much wine in that way.
MID: — I’m all right as long as I can stay out of Raspina’s sight, but when I’ve got to face her I need the false courage of the cups. (Silenus surreptitiously takes a drink of wine through the tube leading into the wine-skin, and conceals his act from Midas).
SIL: — (Hastily) Quite right, quite right!
MID: — She demanded an audience of me this morning. Ordered me, the King, to come to her at once in her chamber. Think of that, Silenus. (Silenus is taking another drink).
SIL: — I’m thinking, your Highness.
MID: — I was just sipping my first and only glass of wine for the day when her summons came, and it so unnerved me that I drank another. Then I drank a glass of wine.
SIL: — Proper, your Highness, quite proper.
NOTE: During the ensuing “wine speech”of Midas, Silenus at frequent intervals takes drinks from the wine-skin which he carries. Every time Midas refers to wine Silenus takes a drink through the tube. Silenus, by crafty comedy business conceals his drinking. The wine-skin is very inflated when he begins to draw the wine from it, but it rapidly decreases in size under his repeated assaults, and at the conclusion of the “wine speech” is flabby and empty. The skin should be air-tight, and when inflated capable of holding, apparently, about twenty or thirty gallons. Silenus lets the air out of the skin through the tube as he “drinks”.
MID: — After which, I drank a glass of wine to brace my nerves. I called a lackey to bring my coat and a glass of wine, and while I was waiting for him to return I drank some wine. When he returned with the wine and the coat I drank the coat and put on the wine, and started for Raspina’s chamber with my mind firmly made up to tell her what I thought of her if she gave me any more impertinence.
SIL: — Correct, Your Highness, absolutely correct!
MID: — I’m glad you think so, Silenus. I boldly knocked at her door. I wanted a glass of wine, but there wasn’t any — so I went back and got one — also another — than a third — which I drank — and then I returned and boldly knocked on the room and walked right into the door and looked Raspina straight in the eye-ball--
SIL: — You say you had a high-ball, your Majesty?
MID: — And she said “Well?” — (imitating loud and rough tones) just that way — soft and low — and I told her that I was sick, and asked for a glass of wine and Raspina jumped up and slapped me in the face! Yes--slapped me, the
King, in the midst of my features!
SIL: — How thoughtless!
MID: — And she said that I was drunk — drunk! What do you think of that?
SIL: — (Gravely) I’m constrained to think, sic, (sadly contemplating the now empty wine-skin) that perhaps your Highness, sic, was a trifle--just a trifle — intossicated, sic —
MID: — Not a bit! I was just mad — mad all over — and under. I was so mad, Silenus, that I laid right down there in the middle of the floor and went sound to sleep!
SIL: — (Chuckling) I’ll wager Raspina waked you up?
MID: — Yes — and told me that I’ve got to marry one of those princesses today to get money for the King of Sparta —
SIL: — (Gravely) That’s true, your Highness.
MID: — But I’d rather be dead than married —
SIL: — (Sympathetic) It is bad.
MID: — Another marriage means another mother-in-law. Think of that, Silenus! Oh, how, how can I stand a pair of them? I’ll resign as king!
SIL: — No — your Majesty must marry and save your people from slavery to Sparta —
MID: — And make a slave of myself?
SIL: Perhaps the new wife also will quickly die with the measles —
MID: — Do you think there’s any chance — ? — And--(hopefully) maybe — maybe the two mothers-in-law will get the measles, too! (sadly shakes his head) No--no--old women can’t catch the measles —
SIL: — Drown them, then, your Majesty — (earnestly) but don’t use wine — use water!
MID: — (Sorrowfully) Two mothers-in-law and a wife — oh--
Silenus, my cross is greater than I can bear!
SIL: — But it must be done, your Highness — even now the emissaries of Sparta are within the borders to demand the money or declare war — but, cheer up! Do not select the most beautiful princess — select one who is Amazonie and husky — one who can manage Raspina, and at the same time manage the affairs of the kingdom —
MID: — Oh I’m miserable —
SIL: But then you will be free from debt and free from war and care — and you and I will be happy —
MID: — (Sorrowfully) No, Silenus, I’ll never be happy with any princess. I might as well tell you the truth now — I’ll never find happiness with any woman in the world but the little gypsy girl we passed in the chariot that day. Her beauty and her smiles haunt me day and night. Oh, Silenus, Silenus, why did you prevent me from going back to her then and claiming her? I’ve cursed myself a thousand times. She would have made me happy — but now — (disheartened) — now--she’s gone — gone — and I cannot find —
SIL: — Forget the gypsy girl, your Majesty — she is beneath your station.
MID: — (Positive) I’ll not forget her! I’ll never forget her, for I love her — and her me, Silenus: I tell you that I’ll never marry anybody but the little gypsy girl!
“THE LITTLE GYPSY GIRL.”
(Singing)
One day I met a maiden
So beautiful and rare;
With floating raven tresses
And eyes that gave a dare.
I tossed her all my kisses,
She smiled and vanished then,
And though I’ve vainly hunted, still,
I can’t find her again.
I’ll roam the whole world over, for
She is a priceless pearl:
And save my love until I find
The Little Gypsy Girl!
As Midas begins to sing RAMONA ENTERS at C, and stands at the entrance of the glade and listens enraptured. Cautiously during the song she makes her way down, taking advantage of rock and shrub to hide from Midas and Silenus. Neither is aware of her presence.
Chorus:
My Little Gypsy Girl!
My Little Gypsy Girl!
Where did you go? Where did you go?
My anguish you will never know!
Come back!
Come back!
And smile again,
My Little Gypsy Girl!
RAMONA conceals herself behind the foliage of a shrub and sings.
RAM: — (Singing)
The Gypsy Girl remembers
The kisses that you threw.
The smiles she sent were payment:
Her smiles are all for you.
She thought, though, you’d forgotten,
And her smiles were turned to tears;
But tear-drops back to dimples turn
Your voice again she hears.
She’ll trade you smile for kiss again
For kisses warm and true.
She’ll have no other lover, for
The Gypsy Girl loves you!
At the sound of Ramona’s voice, Midas stands entranced; he moves about and vainly searches for her.
Chorus:
Your Little Gypsy Girl,
Your Little Gypsy Girl
Has never gone, and if you’ re kind
She never will. Hunt, if you’d find!
Come on!
Come on!
And kiss again
Your Little Gypsy Girl!
MID: — (Unable to locate Ramona — entreating) Where are you,
My Little Gypsy Girl? Where are you? (She gives a merry laugh).
PAN and the SATYRS ENTER hilariously at R 2 and 3 E, and simultaneously APOLLO and the NYMPHS
ENTER laughing at L 2 and 3 E. MIDAS and SILENUS, frightened, start to flee, but they are quickly surrounded by the Nymphs and Saytrs and detained. RAMONA, unseen, glides from her hiding-place and runs up and
EXITS at C.
Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 891