He chuckled. “I had no idea you were working so hard to bear up.”
“I know you think it quite amusing, but it’s true. You have been most vexing at times. You really should pray about this matter.”
He turned and touched her face. “I have. I’ve prayed about our marriage and about our finances. I’ve prayed about whether to sell, and if so, where to relocate. I’m not given to making rash decisions. You know me better than that.”
“I do. But I thought I knew you well enough to believe you wouldn’t let money come between us. Money has never been an issue before now, but I suppose, given my inheritance, we shall begin fighting about it all the time, and that plagues me.”
“And that’s what you think I’m doing? Letting money come between us?”
“Well, it seems that way to me. I have money sitting in the bank or at least in investments, and you are in need. We are in need.”
“Our needs are not so great, Abrianna. Like I said, if I sell this lot, then I will have a good amount of money to put elsewhere. I might have lost my tools when the horse and wagon disappeared in the fire, but I managed to keep my savings, and that, along with the money from selling the land, will give us a good start.”
She opened her mouth to comment, but Wade put his finger to her lips and smiled. “Don’t make me kiss you.”
The thought didn’t seem like much of a threat, and she pushed his hand aside. “I understand that you desire to be the kind of man who is solely responsible for his wife, but Wade, I wish you wouldn’t be such a ninny about it all.”
“A ninny? Now I’m being a ninny? The other day you called me pigheaded.” He took hold of her face and leaned forward as if to kiss her. “You didn’t used to call me names.”
“Oh, I did. Just not to your face.”
He laughed. “You are quite the prize, Abrianna.” He gave her a rather brief and chaste kiss.
“You were the one who made me pledge honesty.”
“I thought that was God. Wasn’t He the one who commanded us to be truthful?”
“Indeed.” Abrianna cocked her head to one side. “But His forgiveness always seemed easier to come by than yours.”
“Oh, Abrianna. I’ve never withheld forgiveness from you. You are most dear to me and always have been. Don’t you see? I just want to take care of you and love you.”
“But you don’t want me to love and care for you in return.”
He frowned. “Why would you ever think such a thing? Of course I want you to love and care for me.”
“But not if it involves my money. Money that I’m quite willing to call ‘ours.’”
He dropped his hold. “We aren’t going to argue about it, Abrianna. I refuse. Your aunts gave you an inheritance and meant for you to use it for your benefit.”
She put her hands on her hips. “And you are too blind to see that it would benefit me to benefit you. Honestly, I don’t see how marrying you will ever work out if you refuse to let me help in whatever way I can. You know that my cooking skills are minimal. Oh, I can most definitely make soup and cookies, as I did for the homeless, but I’m not good at creating full meals. And my sewing is atrocious, and I can’t play the piano very well. It would seem that my money is one thing I can actually bring to benefit our marriage, and I shan’t go into a marriage where I feel useless.”
Abrianna turned to walk away, but Wade grabbed hold of her and swung her back into his arms. “You will never be useless to me. I want you to share my life and work alongside me. All I am asking is that you allow me to be the man of the house. I realize you haven’t ever had that in your life. You’ve grown up with three spirited and self-sufficient women. I know that you see yourself taking on that role, but I want to take care of you. I want to make a good life for you. Can’t you see? That’s part of showing you how much I love you.”
She hadn’t considered it that way. She supposed, given the silliest notions men were given over to, perhaps she would do better to just agree and work on helping him to see her way another time. Abrianna sighed. Why did men have to be so difficult?
“I suppose I have no other choice,” she said, not trying to disguise the disappointment in her voice. “I love you and suppose that love will always come with its sacrifices.”
He shook his head. “Is it such a sacrifice to yield this one thing to me? Will we always argue about such matters?”
She wondered in that moment if Wade, like most men, simply wanted a wife who would smile and agree with everything he said. The thought troubled her.
“Wade, you do know that I have never been one for sitting around being idle. You know that I am very poor at taking direction, even though I work at it. Sometimes I just see that there are more important things to be done and feel that it’s my job to take care of those things.”
He chuckled. “Of course I know all of that.”
“And you know, too, that I’ve never been one to seek approval. Not yours or anyone else’s. Save God’s, of course. I really do want His approval. But I fear that I will disappoint you in my lack of obedience. I’m not at all good with such things when I perceive something else to be God’s will. Life with me will not be easy.”
Wade looked at her with great tenderness in his expression. “I love you, Abrianna. With all your quirks and notions. I’ve never looked for the easy way in life, just for the way that I feel God is leading me. So long as you are doing that, as well, we are certain to be on the same path.”
But while his words sounded convincing, Abrianna had her doubts. After all, didn’t the Bible say that some were called to one gift and responsibility and some to another?
“You seem troubled, Daughter.” Jay Cunningham eyed Abrianna with concern. That morning at breakfast she’d only toyed with her food and then did the same thing at lunch. He figured, as her father, he should at least attempt to get to the bottom of it and had followed her out to the far reaches of the expansive lawn to where she sat under a tree.
Abrianna glanced up and smiled. “I’m fine. I didn’t mean to give you cause for worry.”
He sat down beside her and plucked a blade of grass. “You don’t look fine. You barely ate anything at breakfast and nothing at lunch. You’ve been in a mood since your return from seeing your friends off. Is that what’s bothering you?”
“I will miss them.” She looked away. “Militine is a dear friend. Thane, too. It won’t be the same without them, but I know they have prayed about it and feel God is guiding them to San Francisco.” She sighed, as if she held the weight of the world.
Jay frowned and tried to figure out how to get her to talk. He knew so little about this young woman, but he was her father and felt it his duty to try. “If you aren’t worried about them, then what? Do you have concerns about getting married?”
Her expression seemed to become a mask. She looked at him oddly. “Why would I have worries about marriage? It is what men and women do. It’s expected for a woman to marry so that she’ll have a man to take care of her.”
“I thought folks were supposed to marry for love these days. It’s not the dark ages anymore.” He smiled, but Abrianna remained expressionless. This was unlike anything he’d ever seen in her before. Had something happened between her and Wade? He hesitated to ask. She might refuse to answer or feel he wasn’t entitled to know. A thought came to him.
“You know, when I married your mama, I was dumbstruck by love.” He gave a chuckle. “She was the prettiest little thing. She worked at a little restaurant, and when she came to pour me a cup of coffee and smiled . . . well, I just lost my heart.”
Abrianna said nothing, but he felt certain she was listening. Jay continued. “I was determined from the start to win her. What I didn’t know until later was that she had set her cap for me, too. We led each other on a merry chase and could have avoided a lot of conflict had we just talked it over. I think she was worried I’d think less of her if she declared her love first, and I was rather fearful of her rejecting me.”
“But she didn’t. She gave in and obviously felt marriage was purposed for the two of you.” Abrianna sounded sad and resigned.
“Are you having doubts that it’s the right step for you and Wade?”
She looked at him, and a tiny flash of pain crossed her face. “Why would you ask such a thing? Wade and I have been good friends for a very long time. He loves me and I love him. Isn’t that enough?”
“Is it?”
Abrianna looked away. “Did you allow my mother to help with your needs?”
“In what way?” He felt he was finally making some progress.
“Did she use her own money to help with expenses?”
“She didn’t have much more than I did. We rarely had much more than what would pay the rent and put food on the table.”
“Did she continue to wait tables after you married, or did you forbid her to do so?”
“Somehow I get the feeling this conversation isn’t really about me and your mama. So why don’t you tell me what Wade has said or done to make you feel out of sorts.”
She shook her head. “I doubt it would matter, although I am most perplexed. However, you are a man, and men are a complete mystery to me. You think and feel things in ways that differ from the female gender. I doubt there is a woman alive who understands what you are really about.”
Jay laughed. “Ain’t a man who don’t feel the same way about women.”
She turned to him. “But how can that be? We’re very easy to understand. We want to be useful. We want to know that our lives count for something. We want to serve God and make the world a better place. Is that so hard to comprehend?”
He chose his words carefully, hoping she wouldn’t clam up again. “I suppose you’re worried that marriage will keep you from helping the poor like you used to.”
She shrugged. “That and much more.”
“I know I haven’t been here for your growing up, but I do love you, Abrianna. I want to help you if I can, but it is obvious that you’re pretty caught up in your fretting.”
“Oh, I suppose I am.” She sighed, and he felt the walls collapse around her. “So much is changing, and I feel that I’m changing with it. But I don’t want to. I always thought God had a specific plan of work for me, work that I would do for the poor. Work that would be done either with or without a husband.”
“Has Wade decided you can’t help the poor anymore?”
“Wade doesn’t want me helping anyone with anything, apparently.”
“Did he say that?”
She shook her head. “No. He said he doesn’t want any of my money to help us get our start in life. He won’t use my inheritance to buy us a place or to benefit his business. He would probably even complain if I bought him a gift with it. I don’t see why he should be so pigheaded, and I even told him so. But he is a most complex man. I think he probably even challenges God. I suppose that is going too far. I do have difficulty with making exaggerations to prove my point.”
Finally Jay could see the problem. “A man wants to know he can take care of his family, Abrianna. It was always a worry of mine. It was the reason I was away from you and your mother. I was looking for work. I wanted to be able to give you both a good life, and that meant I had to make a better living.”
“And just see where that kind of thinking led. Goodness, but it seems to me that if God intended man to go it on his own, He wouldn’t have said that it wasn’t good for you to be alone. Sometimes I think the entire world has gone mad, and I’m the only one left in it that understands the truth.”
“Maybe your kind of truth.”
“And just what do you mean by that?” Her question sounded like a challenge.
“I mean that you’ve decided how the world should be, and when it doesn’t cooperate, you get your feathers all ruffled up. Maybe you got this way because I wasn’t around to help advise you. Maybe it’s because you lost your mama and me and got yourself raised by someone else. But I will say that you’ve got a stubborn streak in you that runs a mile wide and ten miles long.” He grinned. “That, you get from me.”
She looked at him for a long moment, and as she did, the anger seemed to fade and tears formed in her eyes. “I can’t be what I’m not. Why can’t people just accept me for who I am?”
“And what is it Wade won’t accept?”
“That I am capable of helping him. That I want to share what I have with him. Not just my heart or even my body.” She blushed. “Excuse my boldness. I want to share my intelligence, my blessings. My aunts gave me an inheritance, and I want to share that, as well.”
“But Wade doesn’t want your money?”
“I don’t think Wade wants me. Not really. I think he wants me to be someone else, and I don’t think I can do that.”
“Did you talk to him about this?”
“I tried. Oh, stuff and nonsense.” She sniffed and her voice faltered. “I don’t even feel like I can control my emotions. I’ve spent most of my life not being given to tears, and it seems of late they are all too present in my life.”
Jay could see the tears slide down her cheeks. He wanted to comfort her, to reach out and pull her close and hold her, as he might have when she was a little girl. Unfortunately, the years of separation came back to haunt him. He had no right to impose himself in her life, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to be her father in full.
“Abrianna, I know we don’t really know each other very well. I hope that will change in time and you will come to know me and know my love for you. I only want the very best for you. I wanted that for your mama, too. Sometimes a man has to do things that seem odd to a woman. It’s not just about pride. You need to understand that. It’s more about the way God made us.”
“God told us to share one another’s burdens,” Abrianna said, not bothering to wipe away her tears. “He told us to consider others as better than ourselves. He said to give generously to one another. Why don’t those things matter?”
“They do. You know they do.” He reached out and took hold of her hand, hoping and praying she wouldn’t refuse him. She didn’t. “A man needs to be the protector and the provider for his family. It fulfills his sense of who he is. It’s something God puts into us, Abrianna. Don’t try to take that away from Wade. It’s who he is and probably one of the things you love best about him, if you really think about it.”
“But what about the way God made me? What about what Wade’s taking away from me?”
“And what is it he’s taking? I thought a minute ago you were accusing him of not being willing to receive anything from you.”
Abrianna opened her mouth, then closed it again. She looked perplexed and shook her head. After several minutes of silence she finally spoke. “I don’t know. My head is spinning, and I can’t think clear at all. Up feels like down and right feels left. I’m most perplexed, and that vexes me.” She got to her feet. “I hate being an adult. I thought much clearer when I was a child. I knew what I wanted. I felt I understood what God wanted. Now I just feel lost and confused. I’m not even sure God is listening, because He certainly isn’t giving me any answers.”
Jay got to his feet slowly. He offered Abrianna a smile. “You kind of have to stop talking in order to hear what He has to say. Just like you have to stop fretting and fussing about what you think Wade is saying and really listen to hear what he’s actually talking about.”
Her shoulders slumped, and he could see the defeat in her eyes. “I am quite hopeless. All of my life people have sought to change me. I bore their criticism and direction and did truly endeavor to change. Now I’m not at all sure I’ve accomplished anything at all. Just when I think I have a grasp on what I’m supposed to do, it seems like everything changes again, and everyone wants something different.”
Jay took a chance and stepped forward. He opened his arms to Abrianna and prayed she would know the love he felt for her. She hesitated a moment, searching his face as if for understanding. Then, without a word, she stepped into his embrac
e and put her head on his shoulder. A great heavy sob escaped her lips, and her entire body shook as she cried in his arms.
Swallowing hard, Jay glanced heavenward and prayed. Help me to help her, Lord. I don’t know what to do but love her, and that just don’t seem enough.
9
Abrianna listened to Wade conclude his sermon and couldn’t help but smile. Her fiancé loved God and was a gifted speaker, even without formal training or seminary schooling. He took the Bible, studied it, and sought answers when he didn’t fully understand. But most importantly, he listened to God’s direction for putting the teaching into practice. Who could want more from their pastor?
“I will read once again those verses from Second Corinthians chapter five. ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.’” Wade looked up as he closed the Bible.
“The old debris of our city is being put aside, carried away, or plowed under for the purpose of rebuilding. The old is being passed away and all things are to become new. There is a new life to be had, a new city to be born. But in order to allow for it, we must rid ourselves of the old. The same is true of our own lives. We have an old nature that must give way to allow for the new reconciliation we have through Christ. We cannot be renewed unless we are willing to set aside the old. Let’s pray.”
Abrianna bowed her head. All the Scriptures Wade used that morning flowed through her mind. She wanted to pray, but her heart was burdened. She had to find a way to ease her fears. Wade was a good man, and God had given him a wondrous gift to teach the Word. Wade was a good man, and God had given him the ability to love. Wade was a good man . . . why, then, should she struggle so much with her feelings?
Love Everlasting Page 9