by Janet Woods
‘I’ll drive you there if you like,’ Douglas offered, lumbering to his feet.
When she directed him to Andrew and Robert Pitt’s office, he expressed surprise.
‘I hadn’t realized. We’ve met several times at various conferences. You won’t mind if I come in to renew my acquaintance with them.’
‘Actually, I’d be pleased. I haven’t met them at all, so you can introduce me. I haven’t even met my nephew.’
To her surprise, she met Justin in the office, being unsuccessfully placated by a harassed looking middle-aged lady who introduced herself as Miss Frobisher. The inner door was slightly ajar, and a woman was talking in a loud, determined voice.
‘I’m afraid not. Nothing would induce me to stay on in that household. I wrote and told Mrs. Pitt I’d been offered another position. It’s not my fault if she forgot to hire someone else.’
‘I must apologize,’ Miss Frobisher said, trying to be heard above Justin’s din, and looking distractedly from one to the other. ‘I’m afraid it’s a bad time to call. Do you have an appointment? Perhaps you could see Mister Andrew. Oh dear ... I forgot! He’s absent from the office at the moment with a cold.’
‘I’m Justin’s aunt. Let me take him from you,’ Janey offered, feeling sorry for the women when the telephone rang. ‘Now then,’ she soothed as he was handed over. ‘What are you making all this fuss about? Tell Aunt Janey all about it.’
The chaos of the office gradually calmed. Justin stopped screaming and gazed at her hair as she talked quietly to him. He was a pale, thin little thing and her heart went out to him. She smiled as he took a handful of her hair in his fist, and kissed his soft cheek. ‘You can do that if you don’t pull to hard.’
He was soaking ... no wonder he was upset. Within a few seconds she’d located a plastic bag containing nappies, and Justin was made as comfortable as possible, considering his behind was almost raw from nappy rash.
‘What will I do with him?’ a distinguished looking man pleaded as he followed the woman marching from his office. ‘Justin’s parents are in Paris. I’ve got no idea how to look after a baby.’
‘Parents?’ the woman snorted. ‘They don’t know the meaning of the word. The last time they saw their son was four months ago, and then only for half an hour.’
The office door was too dignified to slam, but it managed a definite thud under pressure.
‘Oh dear,’ Miss Frobisher said again, sounding distressed.
Janey smiled at Robert Pitt and held out her hand. ‘Don’t worry I’ll look after him. I’m his aunt, Janey Renfrew, and this is my uncle, Douglas Yates, who I believe you know.’
The man looked so relieved she began to laugh. ‘I guess this is one of those occasions of being in the right place at the right time.’
‘Or the other way round,’ he said dryly. ‘Either way, I’m very pleased to meet you.’
It was Robert Pitt who went to collect Justin’s belongings, Robert who drove them all back to Winterbrook, with Justin’s cot strapped to the roof rack of his car. He seemed suddenly anxious he might be doing the wrong thing by giving his grandson into the care of a complete stranger.
She showed him round her house before they went to her father’s. ‘We’ll be moving in after Christmas. I hope you and your brother will visit Justin often. You’ll be quite welcome to come to my father’s house for Christmas Day, too.’
‘I don’t know quite how to thank you,’ he said. ‘I’ll arrange another nanny for Justin as soon as possible.’
Her heart sank at the thought of Justin being brought up without love. ‘Please don’t. I’m quite willing to care for Justin long term if necessary. In fact, I’d like to. The country air will do him good, and he and Saffy will be company for one another. His other aunt, Susie, lives in the village so he’ll be with family. I’m sure Linda won’t object to me looking after him.’
Robert Pitt’s lips tightened a fraction at the mention of her sister. ‘I’m inclined to agree with you.’
He said nothing more, he was too gentlemanly, but Janey could see he was totally disenchanted with his daughter-in-law. ‘Thank you once again. I’ll be in touch.’ He refused Jack’s offer to stay for a cup of tea, and inclined his head before he drove away.
Her father was unconcerned by the sudden arrival of Justin in their midst. His cot was erected with a minimum of fuss in a corner of Saffy’s room.
The cottage became an obstacle course of baby clothes drying round the fire, toys and pushchairs. Jack bought a playpen to keep Justin and Saffy out from underfoot.
A car was now a must rather than a luxury, Janey fitted in a few hasty driving lessons with Pamela and asked everyone to keep an eye out for a suitable car.
Saffy was fascinated by the new arrival, and it soon became apparent Justin felt the same way about her. Where Saffy went, Justin followed, crawling after her as fast as he could go.
‘He’s a solemn looking little chap,’ Jack said one day. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen him smile once.’
‘He’s not complaining quite so much, though. I wish he were mine.’ The grave, unwanted, and unloved infant had found his own personal niche her heart.
Christmas Eve came. The small pine tree Phil brought them was decorated with tinsel, colored balls and frosting. Jack set an angel on top as she placed the parcels underneath.
‘You can open yours now, if you like.’
She watched anxiously as he tore the wrapping from the parcel.
‘A compass ...’ His eyes held the suspicion of tears despite the smile on his face.
‘I hope it’s all right, it was the one I saw circled off in your catalogue.’ Suddenly anxious, she began to gabble. ‘I asked John if that was the one you wanted. Well, anyway, the shop said they’d change it if it turned out to be the wrong one for the boat. I’ve kept the receipt just in case. I don’t know much about these things, so if it’s not –’
‘It’s perfect.’ Placing it carefully on the dresser, he took her face between his hands and softly quoted. ‘‘And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.” This will be my star, Janey. I’ll have your name inscribed on it, and it will guide and inspire me ... as it always has.’ He gently kissed her forehead and let her go, his gruff voice telling her he’d been embarrassed by his show of affection. ‘Don’t think I’m going to give you your present now. As far as I’m concerned, you’re one of the children.’
Sadness filled her. He loved her – he’d always loved her. That love had kept him going in prison year after year.
Her hand touched his wrist. ‘Was it very bad in there?’
He seemed to hunch into himself. ‘Being imprisoned robs a man of his pride and spirit. It strips him down to basics, forcing him to face his own worthlessness. All he’s got left to fight for is his own survival, and if he loses the fight for that he becomes dehumanised.’
How unemotional he sounded. No bitterness, no self-pity, just a factual statement. Even so, she was moved by this unexpected confidence.
‘You survived.’
A faint smile hovered on his lips as his eyes engaged hers. He straightened up. ‘I had something worth surviving for.’
‘I wish I’d known you were my father when I was young.’ She heard in her voice the wistful longing for something she’d missed – a father’s love.
‘Perhaps it was for the best. You might have grown up hating me, or spent your life yearning for something you couldn’t really have.’
‘Did you do that?’
He nodded. ‘I was wrong to believe I owned you body and soul. Nobody has a claim to another person’s emotions.’
This encroachment into the personal wasn’t entirely comfortable, but it was a hurdle that must be overcome if they were ever to be completely at ease with each other.
‘I don’t know what I feel for you, except I like you a lot,’ she said honestly. ‘When Mary first told me you were my father it was a shock. I couldn’t imagine how my own father, a man I’d grow
n to respect and love as a teacher and friend, could leave me for dead. Of course, I didn’t know it wasn’t an accident, then.’
He gave a small anguished groan.
‘Later, when I realized you were innocent I felt guilty, and somehow to blame. I was ashamed of myself, and angry with you. I tried to deny what I felt, tried to bury it. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that neither of us was responsible for what happened.’
‘Perhaps now is a good time to forgive ourselves.’
So they hugged each other for the second time as father and daughter, and a small flicker of longing began to grow in her heart. Perhaps one day she could bring herself to love him as unreservedly as he loved her. When all the obstacles were overcome she might be able to come to him and say: It was never good enough for me to tell you I know you’re innocent, now I can prove it. Now I can allow myself to love you.
When she could do that, perhaps it would be the right time for what he’d asked of her. But right now – on the eve of Christmas, when the whole world was filled with forgiveness and love she couldn’t find the charity in her heart to completely forgive herself.
* * * *
They went to the early morning service on Christmas Day. The fields and hedgerows were sugared with frost. The peal of church bells was so sharp and clear it was a wonder the enthusiasm of the village campanologists didn’t cause them to crack, Janey thought.
Glossy dark holly wreaths with blood-red berries decorated the church, candles glowed on the altar and in the sconces, and the nativity scene was a serene reminder of what Christmas was all about. Feet stamped against the cold in the porch, faces and noses glowed red, arms wrapped around bodies for warmth.
‘Cold enough for snow, I reckon.’
‘Not before the New Year’s rung in. You mark my words.’
‘Is that your Linda’s young-un?’ Ada was rounder than ever and waddling a bit.’
‘Yes ... that’s Justin.
‘He looks as if he needs feeding up to me. Plenty of cream will put some roses in his cheeks.’
Phil, self-conscious in his best suit, doffed his hat to smile at Pamela. Susie bounded up the path with the energy of a puppy. She was wearing a matching fair isle hat and scarf Ada had made for her, and her brown curls bounced energetically against her face. Everyone was enveloped in kisses and hugs.
There were sidelong glances at her father’s scarred face, mostly from the people who used the village as a weekend retreat. Briefly, she wondered how he stood it, and then realized he had no choice.
The weekenders tried desperately to fit in, arriving in estate cars with the required number of golden retrievers in the back. They wore polo-necked jumpers, flat checked caps. The women’s heads were wrapped in Queen Elizabeth headscarves tied under the chin with the point resting between their shoulder blades. They greeted each other in loud voices.
When the bell stopped tolling, villagers and weekenders alike scrambled for places in the pews.
The vicar was a short, genial man with a highly polished head, and a beaming smile. His sermon, a simple narrative about the meaning of Christmas, was well received. John arrived in the middle of it, and slid apologetically into a seat at the back.
There was a sense of togetherness amongst the congregation as they sang the carols. Delighted with the singing Saffy slipped from the pew to dance in the aisle. Afterwards, she clapped enthusiastically, which earned her several smiles.
She was swiftly scooped into Jack’s lap when he sensed she’d enjoyed the attention so much that she was about to do a repeat performance. He stuck a jelly baby in her mouth before she could protest.
Justin, snuggled in Janey’s arms, sucked his thumb and stared around him with round wonder filled eyes. ‘Your first Christmas of many, Justy,’ she whispered in his ear. ‘How do you like it?’
His eyes swiveled up to hers and then his thumb left his mouth and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards. He gave a soft gurgle of laughter and her eyes widened in surprise. Who said miracles didn’t happen? She covered his face with kisses and he chuckled again, longer and louder.
‘Me’swell.’ Saffy’s face was sticky sweet and her eyes shone like emeralds. She giggled as she received her kiss then the three of them were all kissing each other and laughing, until Jack elbowed her gently in the ribs.
The congregation’s heads were bent in prayer. She and her father gazed with amusement at each other, for a moment sharing the gift of happiness the children had just given them. Then she slid her hand into his so they were joined, and they bowed their heads.
They lingered for only a short while, exchanging greetings with friends and acquaintances before taking the children back to the warmth of the cottage for the excitement of opening their gifts. Afterwards, Janey put them down for a nap. They’d been up early, and still had the excitement of the rest of the day to get through.
Mary came down early from Bournemouth to help Janey prepare dinner.
‘How’s Douglas going to get here?’
‘It’s a surprise,’ she said mysteriously, and Jack choked back a laugh.
Later, after John had arrived and Douglas hadn’t, and she’d begun to wonder if he was going to turn up in a Santa costume to amuse the children, there was a toot on a horn.
Taking her by the arm her father led her outside. ‘Happy Christmas, Janey love.’
Green and red bows decorated the door handles of a shining, pale green Ford Anglia.
‘Oh!’ She couldn’t stop smiling at everyone. ‘It’s the most wonderful gift I’ve ever been given.’
Except for Saffy, Justin and her father.
‘Then you’d better get some practice in so you can get your license.’ He took a couple of learner plates from behind his back. ‘Once round the village so I can see how you’re getting on.’
She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. ‘You shouldn’t have,’ she scolded. ‘It’s too expensive.’
‘Enough of that,’ he said gruffly. ‘Just get behind the wheel and let’s go.’
She lurched off to the cheers of those left behind, then laughing, drove her father round the village, waving proudly at anyone who was abroad. When they got back to the cottage, Robert Pitt’s car was parked outside the cottage.
Drawing the Anglia to a halt, she gazed with sudden alarm at her father. ‘You don’t think he’s going to take Justin back, do you? I couldn’t bear it.’
He gave her a hug. ‘You invited him down, remember?’
‘So I did. I hope we’ve got enough dinner.’
‘If the turkey was any bigger it wouldn’t fit in the oven.’
There was more than enough, and soon everyone declared they couldn’t eat another scrap. It seemed that now Justin had learned how to smile, he decided to smile all day, charming everyone in the process.
Taking her aside, Robert Pitt told her that Linda and Martin had agreed to her fostering Justin. ‘If you’re still of the same mind I’m happy with the arrangement. I’ve discussed this at some length with Douglas and have agreed not to insult you by offering a wage, but I think you’ll find the amount available to you will recompense you for his material needs.’
‘You needn’t have bothered, but thank you anyway.’ She surprised him by kissing him on the cheek. ‘Justy’s settled down very well with us, and I’d hate to lose him now.’
‘There’s no fear of that. I have to say this, Janey. My son has proved a great disappointment to me in his choice of both partner and lifestyle. I’m coming to the conclusion they’re unsuitable parents for Justin.’
She stared at him, wide-eyed. This man was quite formidable.
‘I’m going to ask my son and his wife to place the legal guardianship of Justin in my hands, although I wouldn’t stop them seeing him, of course. Should anything happen to me I’d stipulate that guardianship be handed over to you. Would you be happy with that arrangement?’
Of course I would. Linda has shown by every action and deed that
she doesn’t love, or want her son. Janey did love him, and the thought of losing him was as painful as the thought of losing Saffy.
She nodded, but warned. ‘If – and only if your suggestion is acceptable to Linda and Martin.’
‘Thank you, my dear; I feel much happier about the situation now.’
They went through to the other room. Douglas was sleeping off his dinner in an armchair, and Mary was deep in conversation with John.
Saffy had climbed into the playpen with Justin, and they were playing quietly with their new toys.
Her father took Robert Pitt outside to see his boat.
She began clearing the dirty dishes from the table and carrying them through to the kitchen. ‘Leave the washing up until I come back,’ Mary said, rising to her feet. ‘John and I have decided to take the dogs and walk off our dinners.’
She decided to do it anyway, if just for the pleasure of seeing the two grandfathers together. They were talking animatedly, her father waving his arms over the boat, taking imaginary measurements.
I should ring Devlin and Griff and wish them a happy Christmas, she thought.
She left it until everyone had gone and the children were in bed for the night.
There were the sounds of revelry in the background when Devlin answered. The sound of his voice made her realize how much she missed him.
‘Hello, angel. Have you called to tell me you’re coming back?’
‘Don’t give me a hard time, Dev. I’ve called to wish you a happy Christmas.’
‘Thank you, but you needn’t have. I got your card.’ He suddenly chuckled. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to come back?’
‘Devlin!’
‘All right, I’ll behave myself. Have you started painting yet?’
She ignored his question, explaining about Justin instead, then telling him about the house and that Tim was moving in to help her redecorate it.
He whistled. ‘It’s just as well you’re not coming back. I don’t want to end up with a house full of other people’s kids.’ There was a short pause, and then he said cautiously. ‘You don’t intend to give up painting completely, do you, Janey? You’ve got too much talent to waste it.’