True Sacrifice

by Amanda Mackey

  He’d get a slap on the back later and praise for his good work. For now though, we were far from through.

  Holding position, he waited while Viper and I stepped up to the sons of bitches who’d mercilessly taken the innocent lives of townspeople and probably planned on more carnage. Intel led us to believe they wanted to recruit more soldiers and were doing so without regard to females or minors. We had to put a stop to it.

  Placing the barrel of my pistol on one of the men’s shoulders I pressed down hard, letting him know I wanted him on his knees before me. Viper did the same. False bravado marked their faces as they spat words about the Almighty.

  They had a date with their Almighty soon enough. They’d soon learn there were consequences to their actions even in the afterlife.

  Time to have some fun, though. In commanding voices, we ordered them to remove their shirts by lifting the hems of them with the end our guns. We did this until they registered what we wanted. Viper’s guy complied but mine continued to spout off at me, so I pressed the barrel between his eyes, watching him sweat. He began removing his shirt. When both men were topless, we barked more orders.

  “Undo your belts. Pull your pants down.” They didn’t have a clue, so once again we pointed to their scruffy jeans. I chuckled as they decided whether their pathetic lives were worth the humiliation, enjoying their fear. With pants down around their knees, my friend and I looked at each other and laughed. Some of the men in our unit had been known to sport boners during times of extreme stress and actually got off on the rush of terror. These two, however, were limp as fuck. Pitiful really. I wondered if they’d raped any of the women using their poor excuses for dicks.

  Lowering my weapon level with my guy’s crotch, I loved every moment of his sharp intake of breath and whimper that escaped. I fell to my knees to be on an even keel.

  That’s right, fucker. You’re scared shitless. Welcome to the worlds of all those you’ve slaughtered.

  I gave him my most evil grin.

  “What do you reckon, Viper? Should we shoot these assholes in the balls or the heart?”

  Viper laughed. “Man, you know me. I’m a sick fuck. I say let’s chop off their dicks and stuff them down their throats. Make them choke on it. Then we can put bullet holes in them so they don’t die right away. Make it slow and painful.”

  He was sick. Even more so than me.

  Snake stood like a marble statue, waiting for instruction. I couldn’t help but wonder if he thought we were insane. Perhaps we were. Perhaps war had created two monsters. I’d analyze it later.

  Reaching into my black army boot, I retrieved my knife, sharpened to lethal precision. I twisted it in front of my enemy’s face, watching in fascination at his horrified expression.

  “You first, man. I want my guy to see what awaits him,” Viper offered.

  Lowering my blade to a mass of pubic hair, I ran it backward and forward lightly while never losing eye contact with my prey.

  He literally began crying with a gun to his temple and his dick about to be removed.

  As I brought my hand upward, ready to slice him like a cucumber, a voice called out to me. No, it yelled. A woman. Scared.

  The next thing I knew, I dragged in air as I sat upright, not in the dank building in Afghanistan, but in a modern room, light filtering through the half-closed curtains.

  Jumping from the bed, I gripped my head, roaring out.

  “Harley. Stop. You’ve had a nightmare. It’s okay.”

  That voice. I could no more ignore it than I could the messed up images from what must have been a crazy dream. It had seemed so real. Spinning, I found her, hovering in the corner of the room. Her frightened eyes killed me. I’d put the fear there. She was afraid of me. Again.

  Had I hurt her? Physically?

  “Mac…” I moved closer with my hand out, hoping like hell I hadn’t added further trauma to her.

  Putting her hand out to stop me, she stood taller, drawing on that inner strength I admired so much.

  “I’m okay, Harley. More importantly, how are you? Do you want to talk about it?”

  Talk about it? Hell no. I couldn’t process it, let alone talk about it. I was a monster. I’d tortured someone, even if they deserved it. Not only that, but I’d enjoyed doing it. Jesus. Had I been born a savage or had war done that to me?

  Watching Mac take protection in the corner like a frightened bird helped me gain clarity. She was too good for me. I couldn’t be what she needed. She couldn’t save me. I don’t think I can save myself.

  Stopping before I reached her, knowing if she reached out to me I’d let her console me, I’d fall into her. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t give her any false hope of us being together. Everything had become so fucked up. The beautiful creature before me had the ability to bring me to my knees. I adored her, and yet because of these very real feelings, I wasn’t prepared to put her through hell piecing me back together. I would break her.

  Taking her in one last time, breathing in her spring garden scent, I held her eyes, trying to convey just how much she held my heart in her hands. I owed her everything and yet I couldn’t give her a damn thing without hurting her. She didn’t need to save me this time. I needed to save myself.

  Dawning lit her eyes. She knew this would be the last time we’d stand here like this.

  Tears welled and began their descent down her marred cheeks. Another reminder of what I had brought into her life.

  Grabbing my clothes and dressing without saying a word, I couldn’t look at her another second and see the pain glaring at me.

  Striding out into the hallway, I dragged my heavy feet and heavier heart out her door, feeling like shit for leaving her so vulnerable, but knowing I had no choice.

  It was a long walk back to my apartment, but one that would help me cool down. I needed to be alone. Viper would be pissed, but fuck him. Mac was safer with me gone. I didn’t even want to go to his place right now. To hear his words would only further my guilt. I craved fresh air and exercise to clear my head. Taking one last look back at her apartment, I steeled myself against the pain in my chest, knowing I’d just broken my own heart.

  Chapter Twenty

  Mac

  I knew he had no intention of coming back. He’d gone. For good. The resignation written on his face and the heartache I’d seen in his eyes told me the truth. He didn’t think he was good enough for me. Without me even getting a say. I made it to the bed before my legs gave way. Wretched sobs broke free, threatening to splay my chest wide open. After everything we’d been through, he’d given up. On us. On me.

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him while he’d been asleep his arm had flung out and caught me on my tender, bruised cheek, causing me to cry out in pain. He’d been too entrenched in memories to waken right away. I’d scrambled away to avoid another swipe, only to find him mumbling garbled words, but flailing his arms. The sheets had been wound around him in an awkward mess, his face scrunched tight.

  I don’t know what he’d been dreaming of, but it must have been major because it had sent him from my room and my life in the space of a few minutes.

  Screaming out, I let loose a string of curses while ignoring my swollen jaw, pounding my fists into the sheets which still smelled of him.

  Nothing seemed fair.

  Moments later, my doorbell pealed out into the silence. I was tempted to ignore it, but a sliver of hope had me praying it may be Harley coming back to apologize and accept my help. Would he use the doorbell or simply barge in?

  Throwing on my robe, knowing I looked like I’d been run over by a truck, I padded to the front door, failing to check the peephole before opening it.

  Charlotte stood there looking horrified. As soon as she saw me she threw herself at me.

  “Oh my God, Mac! I was so worried. I can’t believe you’re here.”

  Her arms squeezed me tightly, causing me to wince. She pulled away. “I’m so sorry. I…”

  Scanning my face and inj
uries and obvious tears, she shut the door and pulled me to the couch.

  “Are you okay? What happened? Can I get you anything?”

  So happy to see my friend in light of everything, I turned and wrapped my arms around her, bawling uncontrollably.

  She patted my back, whispering, “Shh. It’s okay now. You’re home. I’m here for you.”

  Thankful to have one person I could rely on, I let her hold me until I felt weak and drained.

  Setting me back on the couch she said, “Don’t move. I’m getting coffee.”

  Letting her fuss over me, I wiped at my face, my chest hollow. With Nick gone and now Harley, I needed Char.

  When she returned with a steaming mug, I relished it and clung on as if it were a lifeline.

  Scratching out a thanks, I asked, “You going in to work this afternoon?”

  “Nah. I swapped a shift with Steph at the last minute when I got your message. I’m not due back until tomorrow at six—which means, you’re stuck with me for now. I’m taking you out of here for a bit. We can grab you a new cell and eat dinner at a park somewhere.”

  When I began to open my mouth to refuse, she stopped me.

  “It’s not up for debate. You’re not sitting around here thinking about what happened to you.”

  Realizing she didn’t know about Harley’s abrupt departure, I swallowed and began.

  “Harley’s gone.”

  “Gone home? Was he here earlier?”

  “Yeah, but I mean gone, gone. He’s not coming back.”

  Placing her mug on the coffee table, she faced me fully. “What do you mean he’s gone for good? That man was out of his mind with worry when you were taken. He moved heaven and earth to get to you. How can he just leave?”

  “As cliché as this sounds, I don’t think it’s me. I think it’s him. He’s struggling with his memories and has some serious PTSD. He doesn’t want to hurt me.”

  “But he’s going to hurt you more by staying away.”

  “I know. He doesn’t see it that way. We lay down earlier and dozed off. He had a nightmare. Probably about his time at war. He struck out at me unintentionally for the second time. I didn’t tell him, but I think he could see my wariness when he woke up.”

  Shaking her head, and placing her hand on my arm, she offered, “He’s an ass if he lets you go. I’m sure he just needs some time to adjust. It must be scary to suddenly have twenty-something years of memories all flooding your brain at once. Not to mention being a hard-core soldier and reliving that shit.”

  I knew she was right and I should cut him some slack, but she hadn’t seen the way he’d looked at me before he left.

  Sipping my coffee helped pull me together a little. I didn’t feel like going anywhere looking the way I did, but perhaps Char was right. Getting on with things and not moping around might help.

  “Oooh, great news too. Word has it we’re both getting permanent day shifts.” She brightened a lot.

  That had me raise my eyebrows. “Permanent? How?”

  “There’s been two day spots open up. I spoke to Chase and he thinks we’re shoe-ins. We’ve earned it, girl. Quite frankly, I’m over working the graveyard. I need to get a life. Get a man. Speaking of which…that hunk of a friend of Harley’s is mighty fine.” She flashed me a smile.

  Glaring at her, I replied, “Trust me. He’s damaged goods too. You don’t want to go there.”

  “I’m not talking long-term. I’m talking about having a little fun. Breaking the dry spell.”

  I had to hand it to her. She could make me smile, regardless.

  Rolling my eyes at her, I scoffed, “Whatever. Good luck with that. He doesn’t strike me as being interested in women at the moment.”

  She swigged her coffee, smiling. “He doesn’t realize how charming I can be yet.” She batted her lashes in jest, easing the tension in the room.

  “I seriously look like crap, Char. If we go anywhere it will have to be where there aren’t many people.”

  “Psssht. Please. Girl, you’d look hot with a bag over your head. But fine, if you’re not comfortable heading in to town, we’ll grab drive through and take it somewhere. You’ll still have to get a cell organized.”

  I’d been going to anyway, so I’d have to suck it up and venture out. My mood had lifted slightly, so when I finished my coffee I headed to the shower.

  ***

  The phone salesman eyed me with speculation while selling me the latest iPhone, but I held it together. Char stuck close, giving me the courage to not feel like a freak while I filled out the paperwork. She’d managed to apply some makeup and concealer to my face to help, but I knew in all honesty it had done a poor job of hiding what lay beneath. The poor guy probably thought I’d been beaten by an abusive boyfriend.

  My stomach rumbled loudly as I signed my name.

  “When did you last eat?” Char whispered.

  “Ahhh, a sandwich Harley made for me.” It hadn’t been nearly enough.

  “Girl, you’re looking gaunt. We need to get you fed, pronto.”

  And with that we collected my new phone and headed back to Char’s SUV and drove to Taco Bell.

  “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Going out in public?” She turned the car into the drive through.

  “The salesman couldn’t stop looking at me. God knows what he thought.”

  “Well, you handled it well, regardless.”

  I didn’t answer her. She knew nothing about what had been going on inside me while standing there being ogled like a leper. Normally I didn’t worry too much about how I looked, but being every color of the rainbow proved a whole new kettle of fish.

  I ended up ordering a seven layer burrito and Char settled on a giant taco.

  I didn’t do Taco Bell too often, simply because it wasn’t on my route home from the hospital. After exhausting days and nights of work, I could never be bothered driving across town for food and just settled for what I happened across on my way home.

  As upset as my stomach had been, the food smelled delicious.

  We drove to Bandemer Park and sat on the riverfront. Char had been right. Getting out in the fresh air helped. I breathed in and out a few times, letting go of some earlier distress. I prayed Harley would come around after he’d spent a few days getting himself together. Surely the tablets would begin helping soon.

  “You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Char asked, ever her observant self.

  “I’m trying not to.”

  “Look. The way I see it is give him some space for now. If you haven’t heard from him in a week, call to see how he is. Don’t give up on him if you care. You need to show him you’re not going anywhere.”

  “I told him I wanted to be there for him. It’s what I do, but he seemed adamant he’s doing me a favor. You still think it would be wise to call?”

  “It’s either that or I’m going over to Viper’s house and demand he kick some sense into his friend.”

  “You just want an excuse to see Viper.”

  Smiling wickedly at me, she spoke with a mouth full of taco. “Maybe.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. If Char set her sights on someone or something, she became an unstoppable force. I couldn’t wait to see the outcome of this one.

  Feeling moderately better sitting in the late sun, chatting about inconsequential stuff, let me relax.

  I needed this. Perhaps now that we both were in the running to switch to day shift, we’d get to hang out more. It had been a long while since I’d had a girlfriend outside of work.

  “You’re smiling,” Char commented.

  Finishing my mouthful, I nodded. “This is good. Us. Spending time together just chilling. It’s always so frantic at work, we never have time to talk much.”

  “Yeah well, when you heal up, girl, I’m taking you out. As in a club. At night.”

  That would be nice too. I’d been so wrapped up in my career that I seriously couldn’t remember the last time I went clubbing. Perhaps in my teens
.

  We spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening sitting at the water’s edge, talking. It proved to be one of the best times I’ve had.

  Char dropped me off at my apartment after stopping off for a bottle of wine, which she gave to me and told me to drink.

  “It’ll help you forget Mr. Hotness.”

  Like that could ever happen. Unfortunately, sitting alone on my couch with my third glass topped up, I could only think of him. I missed him so much already. In such a short time he’d played a huge role in my life. I felt safe with him around. And he made me feel foreign things I’d hoped we could explore. If he kept pushing me away, that would never happen.

  When my head began to swim with the effects of the wine, I turned the television on and immersed myself in The Notebook, happy to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to ‘adult’ anymore that day. I just wanted to get drunk and wallow.

  ***

  The rest of the week dragged. I wasn’t due back at work until Monday when Char and I would begin day shifts permanently. Management had called to confirm after I’d messaged them my new cell number early in the week.

  My parents had sent a quick text to say they’d be back home in another week. They were staying with my mother’s sister in Dearborn before returning. I couldn’t wait to see them and find out all about their holiday. It would be nice to have some moral support besides Char too. I’d no doubt have to confess how my life had nose-dived while they’d been away. It hardly seemed believable, even to me. My dad would probably want to wring Harley’s neck for hurting me, but I couldn’t blame him. I wanted to wring his neck.

  On Saturday, Char was determined to drag my carcass out to a club. My face had healed remarkably well during the week, with a lot of the swelling having eased off. I’d been putting arnica on the bruising, and it had faded to a dim yellow which concealed well under makeup. My eye hadn’t fully opened and my jaw still hurt but I was going stir crazy at my apartment.

  Harley hadn’t called and I hadn’t bothered to go visit him. Each day that went on made me believe that he’d been serious about letting me go. My heart hadn’t received the memo though, and fluttered every time I thought about him. Which happened a lot. Too much. I couldn’t help it. I wondered if he was okay and what he did to occupy his time. I hope he didn’t act irrationally and take on another dangerous mission to help him cope. I couldn’t imagine the military letting him go anywhere with the state of his mind and his chest wound still healing.