by Alexis James
What’s most confusing about him and about the entire experience at the restaurant was not the hot and cold way he treated me but that his father seemed to know exactly who I was. I’m certain he felt like he was being subtle, but he made it clear he understood the repercussions of us getting together. I’d bet my last dollar he didn’t even run into an old acquaintance; he left the table to force Caleb and I to talk.
If only we’d done that. There was so much heat between us, but everything about those few minutes we were alone leaves me with more questions. Who is this man and what does he want from me, other than to destroy me completely?
Shoving those thoughts aside for another time, I glance at the screen and quickly answer. “Hey, Bella.”
“Hi, little sister. Just wanted to check in. See how you’re doing.”
Glancing down at my blank notebook, I ask myself that same question. How am I doing? Well, for starters I’m a nervous wreck whenever I walk into the office. I keep expecting him to engage me in some war of words, or maybe another few accusations about me enjoying drama. I wish I could tell him I hate every bit of it. I like my life just as it is: simple and easy.
Or at least it was … until he came along.
Once more, I force my attention off the intriguing man with the green eyes and back to the task at hand. “I’m fine. How are you? How’s Jace?”
I can almost see the broad smile on her pretty face when I inquire about her beau. “Jace is adorable.” There’s a bunch of mumbling in the background then, “Correction. Jace is not adorable. He’s is a hot piece of sexy man meat.” She lowers her voice. “For the record, I would never refer to anyone except Ryan Reynolds as a hot piece of sexy man meat. Jace made me say that.”
I giggle. “Oh really? I never would have guessed.”
“So, Soph, what’s going on with your professor? Anything new on that front?”
What exactly should I tell her? That’s he’s a turd who likes stringing me along? Or do I tell her that he’s trying very hard to prove to me he’s not interested but he’s failing miserably? “No, not really. I ran into him and his dad on Saturday. I ended up having lunch with them.”
“Hmm. That sounds … cozy.”
“His dad is really sweet.” Too bad Caleb didn’t inherit any of the sweetness, I think with a wrinkle of my nose.
“Sophia, what aren’t you saying? There’s more to this story. I know it. Spill.”
With a heavy groan, I run through the events of last Saturday, leaving nothing out. I should probably keep certain things to myself, like the heated way we looked at one another, or the firm grip he kept on my head to keep me close. I’m tired of holding all this in. At least Bella is safe to talk to.
She remains mostly silent while I talk, muttering an occasional comment here or there until I’m finally all talked out and more confused than ever. “So, how were things at school this week? Did he talk to you?”
My sarcastic laughter is louder than it should be. “Of course he didn’t. He locked himself away in his office, like usual. If I did see him, he ignored me. It’s really grown-up stuff, Bella.”
“Ah, baby sister. I’m so sorry. But you know, maybe he acts like that because he thinks he’s protecting you. Protecting himself too. You’ve got to admire the guy if he’s keeping you two apart because he’s worried about how that will affect your upcoming graduation.”
She’s right. About it all. I know Caleb is protecting me. Call it instinct or woman’s intuition, but the man is clearly conflicted. I know he wants me. He made it clear that night in his office, and he so much as said it at lunch the other day. I only wish I knew a way for us to be together and still keep our priorities straight.
“Once you graduate and have started the master’s program will it still be against the rules for him to date you?”
I nod, which is dumb, and stretch my legs out on the couch. “Yeah. As long as I’m a student here, we can’t date. Or sleep together. Or whatever.”
“It’s the whatever that concerns me,” she muses. “I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but can’t you switch schools?”
I groan into the receiver. “No, I can’t switch schools. Do you know how much work I had to do to apply for this master’s program?”
“No, I don’t.” She sighs into the receiver. “Can you try applying to another school?”
I’ve never even considered it, but she does have a point. If I were to change schools, that obstacle would be erased, leaving us wide open to explore whatever this might be between us. But then again, why should I have to be the one to make all the sacrifices? He could just as easily find another teaching position and solve the problem himself.
The bigger issue is that I don’t know what Caleb would consider because every time we start to get close, he shuts down and pushes me away. However, until I have some viable alternatives for us, approaching him with the idea of pursuing us as a couple isn’t an option. As it stands now, there is absolutely no way we can get any closer without risking both our futures.
“I don’t know. I’d have to look into it and see.” Hope springs alive as my mind starts to work. I can do this. I don’t care where I get my masters. Logistics means nothing, especially if it means I can be with Caleb. Grabbing my laptop, I start my search while we talk.
“If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask.” She sighs loudly. “I feel the need to warn you though, our brothers will hate him.”
“They didn’t hate Jace.” Well, there may have been a bit of disdain initially, but he’s been fully embraced by my hardheaded brothers since then.
“Trust me, kiddo, they’ll hate him because he’s older than you and he is technically your teacher, even though you don’t have class with him. On principal, they won’t be able to see past any of that.” She chuckles. “Mostly, they’ll hate him because you’re the baby and they feel it’s their duty to protect you. You know they’re convinced you’re still a virgin, right?”
I roll my eyes and continue pecking away at the computer keys. “That’s just dumb. I don’t need protecting.” Yes, Caleb is considerably older than me. Other than my brothers, who cares? His father clearly had no issue with it, so that’s one hurdle we’ve already jumped.
Whoa, girl. Let’s not get ahead of our self.
“Yeah. You and I know that. But if you do this, you’ve got to expect them to put up a fight.”
The computer screen lights up with a potential answer to all our problems. Brothers be damned. I am making this happen. “Bring it on.”
After the call has ended, I shoot off an email to my advisor and request an appointment, then get to work seeing what I’ll need to apply. This is a shot in the dark, but it will be so worth it if I can walk into his office and declare myself free to see him. I’m taking a huge chance on this … on him. I won’t lie and say I’m not nervous. I’m terrified. What if the school rejects me? Or worse, what if he does?
Squaring my shoulders, I refuse to let doubt wear me down. I’ve lived by the motto that you’ll never know until you try, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up now. I’ll make my inquiries, get the gears in motion, and present the entire thing to him. If he balks, and I am accepted into the new program, then I’m still switching schools regardless. I know without a doubt that putting distance between us is for the best. We’re in such a state of limbo right now as it is, I have no idea what he wants. Hell, I have no idea who he is. I need time to get to know him as a person and not as the man I’ve silently coveted for so long. I need him to get to know me too, because there’s always a chance that once he does, he’ll tell me goodbye.
So why am I trusting that he’ll be willing to go down this road with me?
I smile as the answer hits without pause. Because … even though he tries very hard to hide his feelings, he can’t hide the depth of emotion and need he feels toward me. I see it every time he tries to hit me with one of those hooded glances. I see it in the way his eyes change color depending on
his mood and in the clenching of his fists, the tightening of his jaw. There’s a knowingness I have about him that’s innate, which makes no sense considering we hardly know each other at all.
Setting the laptop aside, I sigh. This is the end—and the beginning. This is my one chance to make this happen, to give us a future. There’s no going back now.
Massaging my temple, I glance at my watch and grimace. It’s past seven and I’ve still got a mountain of things to get through before I can call it a night. I suppose if I were actually productive during the day, I wouldn’t be forced to stay here all hours of the night getting caught up.
I’m distracted. So damn distracted that I’m starting to lose my cool during my lectures. I’m so busy keeping my distance from Sophia that my concentration isn’t where it should be. I’m falling behind in many ways, and yet here I sit … thinking about her yet again.
The past month we’ve done nothing but dodge one another, which I suppose is for the best. We did say we needed to let go. Too bad I don’t believe the words—out of her mouth or mine. It certainly doesn’t help that my father asks about her whenever I see him. Although, I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that we are not dating, he can’t help but goad me.
He’s a pretty intuitive guy. And he did admit to deliberately staying away from the table that afternoon to give us a few moments together. He also admitted that he saw me holding her, which makes me wonder … did anyone else?
I worry like hell that someone will be able to pick up on the chemistry between us. The weeks until graduation can’t pass soon enough. Not that her graduation will change anything. She will technically still be a student here, and even though she’ll no longer be my TA, I’m certain I’ll see her around campus. Hell, I’ll make sure I do.
Jesus, have I really become this masochistic?
Growling under my breath, I glance down at my desk and attempt once again to finish my lecture notes. Having her as a distraction is wreaking havoc on my job, my sleep, my overall function on a daily basis. I can’t close my eyes and not see her as she was that day here in my office, silently begging me to give in. I can’t breathe without remembering what it felt like to have her lips within inches of mine. I walk around semi-hard all the time. I’ve tried self-gratification. I’ve tried seeing other women. Nothing works. Wanting her like I do, I have no idea how I’ve managed to keep my distance. My willpower is waning, though, and that’s scares me to death.
I can’t want her. Nothing good can come of it. Even though I tell myself the same thing a thousand times each day, if given the chance, I’d pull her into my arms and never let go. How ironic, since we know so little about one another. Maybe if we sat down and had an actual conversation we might find out there’s nothing to like about one another.
A soft knock sounds at the door and my stomach jumps with anticipation. “Come in.”
Sophia pokes her head in the doorway and smiles nervously. “Sorry to bother you. Do you have a moment?”
Putting on my game face, I nod. “Yes. Make it quick.” Staring back down at my notes, I feign annoyance. The truth is I’m far too happy that we’re actually speaking to one another again.
She shuts the office door then settles in the chair across from me and waits silently until I lift my eyes to hers. Her smile widens when she sees the hard look on my face, almost as if it amuses her. “I have something to tell you.”
Grinding my teeth, I snap, “Spit it out, Miss Moran. I have things to do.”
Her eyes twinkle happily. “I wanted you to know that I’ve been accepted into the master’s program at the University of New Orleans.” She leans a bit closer, her elation tangible. “After I graduate, I will no longer be a student here.”
The taunting words hang heavily in the air, as does her expectation. My mouth falls open as a sudden rush of realization hits. She’s opening the door with her words, beckoning me to come inside. All I can do is sit in stunned silence.
Rising, she leans over the desk and whispers, “This changes things for us, Caleb. It changes everything.”
Well, if that is the case, then why is my initial reaction to sit back in my chair and put distance between us? Why, even though my head tells me this is a good thing, do I imagine all the reasons why I should remain silent?
Her smile slowly fades the longer I sit there staring at her, and eventually she falls back into the chair and sighs. “Well, I guess I have my answer.” Pain etches her delicate features as her face pales. “Wow. I thought I had prepared myself for this.” I can’t tell whether or not she’s thinking out loud or if she’s fishing for a response. Either way, I can only continue to sit there shocked and unmoving.
What the hell is my problem? I should be happy for her, thrilled, in fact, that I no longer have to worry about being inappropriately attracted to a college student. In a few short weeks, she’ll effectively be a free woman—free to date whomever she wants without worrying about the fallout.
I am happy for her. I’m also scared to death for what this means. I no longer have an excuse to avoid her, but here I sit … like a mute fool.
Her gaze drifts to mine briefly before she slowly gets to her feet. “Sorry to have bothered you.” She takes three steps toward the door then pivots on her foot and moves swiftly around the desk until she’s standing directly in front of me. Leaning down, her hands frame my face and she whispers, “Please don’t do this, Caleb. Just give us a chance.”
“I’m too old for you,” I mumble, dragging in a ragged breath as my entire body comes alive under her touch.
She lifts one brow. “No, you’re not. And besides, I couldn’t care less how old you are.”
My hands come up to grip her forearms. “What would your family say?”
Leaning closer, she whispers, “I don’t care what they say. I want to be with you.”
“Jesus, Sophia, nothing good can come of this.”
She frowns and shifts her body, settling on my lap far too easily. “Why would you say that?” Arms around my neck, she rests her head in the crook.
My immediate reaction is to wrap my arms around her, which I do, even though the little voice in my head reminds me this is so very, very wrong. “Because it’s the truth. You’re just beginning your career. You have no idea what your future will be like.”
Fingers trail through my hair and when she sighs against my neck, I can feel myself hardening under her ass. “Neither do you. But I’d really like that future to include you. If you’ll have me.”
This brave, beautiful woman is going to be the death of me. How am I supposed to tell her no when she’s clearly gone out of her way to remove the largest obstacle between us? Do I want to tell her no? Given the response my body is having, I think not.
Regardless of what I want, now is not the time to have this conversation. Or for her to be snuggled in my lap. When and if we discuss a potential future together, we both need to be free to do so.
“Let’s talk after you graduate.”
Her head lifts, our eyes meeting instantly. “You’re worried about someone finding out?”
Gritting my teeth, I trail my thumb over her bottom lip. “Yes, of course. But I’m more concerned with what I might do.”
She frowns. “What you might do?”
Gripping her waist, I pull her closer until there’s no doubt she can feel exactly how I respond to her. “To you.”
Her mouth falls open and her eyes land on my mouth. “Well then, I look forward to our … talk.” She starts to lean closer, her intent clearly written all over her face. If I allow it, if I touch my lips to hers now, I might as well kiss my future goodbye. Once I go there, I’ll never be able to turn back.
Hands on her shoulders, I ease her to her feet and follow suit, looming above her. “You should probably go.”
The fingers of one hand curl around mine. “Alright. I look forward to speaking with you after graduation.” With a final squeeze, she leans over and grabs my pen, quickly jotting down a number on my des
k calendar. Then she stands upright, grins broadly, and hands the pen over. “Have a good evening, Professor.”
“You too, Miss Moran.” My eyes lock onto the curve of her ass as she strolls to the door. With a final wave, she lets herself out and pulls it closed behind her.
I can feel myself beginning to smile as I fall back down into the chair, elation settling over my chest. My eyes settle on her phone number, which I have no doubt I will probably use sooner rather than later. Regardless, I do admire her. She’s clearly in this for more than instant gratification. And for some reason, she sees me as someone she wants for the long term. Sure, that knowledge scares me. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.
Am I ready for something long term? How the hell should I know? I’ve still got Rianne pestering me nonstop. But this thing with Sophia, as forbidden as it’s been for so long, feels right. She’s accepted that I refuse to get involved with her if it means sacrificing one or both of our careers. Instead, she’s found a solution, which effectively no longer gives me any excuses.
Realistically, I know we could still face backlash over this. If the wrong person sees us together, it could be assumed we were sleeping together while she was my teaching assistant. Nothing could be proven, mind you, but the allegation would be there nonetheless. The smartest thing I can do is spend these weeks leading up to graduation figuring out exactly what I want. If, after much thought, I want her solely to warm my bed, I need to be honest with her and let her go. She should never be expected to settle for less than everything.
Reading the text message, I smile broadly. Caleb’s simple, “Thinking about you today,” makes my stomach jump all around with happiness.
The weeks between our conversation in his office and graduation have done nothing but slowly drag on and on. I’ve trudged through my classes, homework, and finals. I’ve worked tirelessly to make certain his office is organized and ready for when school resumes in the fall. And I’ve spent too many nights lying in my bed, imagining how life is going to change for both of us once I have my diploma in hand.